I actually feel a little strange writing about leaving the church.  I was born in the church to "good mormon" parents.  I was baptized at 8, received my patriarchal blessing at the age of 13, graduated from seminary in '92, married my hubby in '95 at the LDS church, had 5 children, all of whom were blessed in the church, and last year I was sealed to my husband and our 5 children in the Omaha Winter Quarters Temple.  I've held many callings in the church.  From RS secretary to meal cooridinator for the ward missionaries.  The church was all I knew.  Deciding to leave was scary in the beginning....I was afraid of losing my "membership" for even THINKING about researching the church....but I was on a quest, and not for what I found.  I was in search of a testimony.  A testimony that I have never had nor felt compelled to have...I thought there was something wrong with me.  That maybe my heart was too hard to be like all the others I watched on F & T meetings get up and bare theirs, in tears no less!  Professing on their belief in the prophets and in the church.  I couldn't do that!  I thought that if I studied the church more, that maybe, just maybe, I might find what I needed to gain a strong testimony like everyone else seemed to have.  Boy was I in for a big surprise!  The more I read, the more hurt I became....that hurt turned to anger...then to embarassment for being so gullible, then to fear about the consequences of what I was doing....then to freedom.  I have never felt so alive!  The grass seems greener, the skies more blue.  I'm HAPPY!  I look at other people as EQUALS and I'm the LAST to judge someone just because they have a cigarette in their fingers...My eyes have truly been opened and for the first time in my life, I feel as though I can breathe!  And, believe it or not, I have found Christ...not in the church, but in my heart and in my life.  I still worry about how my parents are going to feel about my decision, but I'm a grown-up now and have my own life to lead.  They did their best to guide me down THEIR religious endeavors, but I now have my opinion.  I don't hold them accountable, nor do I blame them.  They are my parents and I will always love and cherish them.  I just hope they can love me and accept me for who I am now.  My husband, today, is still a TBM, but he supports me in my choice.  We have decided to let the kids decide on their own when they get a little older, but for now, the 2 youngest stay with me and the 3 older have the choice to go to church with dad, or stay at home with mom....no pressure either way. 

     I am still discovering more facts, and I will continue to read and study documents.  But I have made up my mind...I am no longer a Mormon.  I can't, for the sake of the kids, request to have my name removed.  Because we live in Utah, in a very small religious community, my kids would not benefit from having an "ex mormon" mother.  The rumors would be horrendous for them...so, for their sake, and the time being, I still remain on the roster.  The bishop is my next door neighbor and there's a temple in my backyard....but I choose to overlook those things....I admire nature and my neighbor is a good man....I know I've got a long road ahead of me when it comes to "recovery"...but I'm strong willed and I have God with me at all times...in my heart.