Almost a year ago as I was meditating outside in the sun, I asked God to show me HIS truth. I felt that there was more than what I was getting from the Mormon church, in which I had spent all of the 51 years of my life. I didn't feel that I was on the wrong path, just that I wanted to know God better. A voice spoke to me that day in my mind and said, "Are you sure?" I assumed it was God talking to me and that question surprised me, but I said, "Yes, I am sure. Whatever truth you show to me, I will follow you." Then he said, "Are you REALLY sure? Because it may take you where you don't want to go." I thought, "I am already on the right path, how could it take me where I don't want to go? I just want a deeper knowledge of what I already know. But never-the-less, God, whatever you show me, I will accept and I will follow you." He said, "OK, but remember, I warned you."

 

As I came out of my meditation, I was confused but excited that I would now be able to get the testimony that I felt I was seeking. I thought the most logical place to start building my testimony of the church was to read all I could find on the teachings of Joseph Smith and the history of the early church. I wanted to learn all that Joseph Smith had ever taught, as well as all the other prophets. Thirty years ago, I had bought my husband a set of Journal of Discourses which had been sitting on our bookshelf for all these years, untouched. I started with that and also started cross-referencing with Church History books. It didn't take me very long to discover that the teachings of the church were very far removed from my own personal beliefs. I started reading the biographies of all the wives of JS and how he kept the knowledge of them from Emma. Then I read a biography of Emma Smith, and other books that cast serious doubt on my once strong faith in the church.

 

Suddenly, my whole life seemed to be crumbling before me. Everything I had believed in my whole life was unraveling. I felt like I was about to lose everything in life that I valued...my husband, my children, my friends, my way of life. As this knowledge was ripping my heart out, I sobbed through my tears, "God, I will still follow you." It was like he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Yes, it will be hard, but I will be with you the whole way. Remember, you are sacred, you are beautiful to me, you are loved." I have held on to that moment many times over the past year as I have tried to come to terms with the things that I have been learning.

 

I haven't been able to get myself to stop going to church. It has been such a part of my life, that I don't know what else to do. Though, now that my eyes are opened, I can see how so much of the doctrine that we are taught is so distorted from what the Bible teaches us and from common sense, for that matter. Many times I have to just leave early and go home. I am still the choir director in our ward, which I love doing, but feel like a hypocrite acting like a True Blue Mormon, but inside knowing that it is all built on a lie. I don't know how to leave the church. My husband is a very strong TBM, and thinks I am being deceived by the devil. He prays for me that I will come back to the "truth". I haven't worn my garments for about 6 months, and refuse go to the temple with my husband. (I had a second hole pierced in my ears, just out of rebellion.) I feel so very alone and really need some support. I love my husband very much, but can't see how I can leave the church without leaving him. The church is so ingrained in him. When I tell him about the things I have learned, he just tells me that it is all Satan's lies trying to deceive me. I can't go on pretending to believe something that I can't believe anymore. But how can I leave?

 

UPDATE: I have subsequently emailed the bishop and asked him to release me as choir director and visiting teacher, then attached a version of this letter for an explanation of why.  He immediately wanted to meet with me, and because I had been such a strong and active member for so long, and because he almost felt like a friend to me, I decided I owed him a personal explanation. So I went and talked to him in person. He wanted me to open with a prayer, I told him I would rather that he did it. This was the first time in his reign as bishop that anyone had ever done this. It pretty much hit him like a ton of bricks. He asked what had led me to my decision, I told him as much of the crap that I could in a few minutes. He asked if I had been to all the LDS apologetic sites, (FARM, FAIR, etc.) I told him yes, and they didn't hold much water. He asked me what I wanted to do, I said I wanted to be released and didn't want to come anymore. He said the Stake President might want to talk to me. I said, whatever, but I haven't heard from him. I haven't been back to church since. The Sunday that was the catalist for my decision never to go back was the Sacrament meeting that was all about Joseph Smith and what a righteous man he was and how the world would be a dark and evil place if it had not been for him restoring the Priesthood. I about threw up! I knew right then that I could never go back.

 

My husband and I are still taking it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Some days are REALLY hard. We have hurt each other more in the last year than we have in the previous 33 years combined. Some days I go as far as going online to look for a house that I can afford so I can move out, but then we make up and things are OK again for a while. Still don't know if we're going to make it through this. Time will tell.