I just recently left the church, and first posted the note after the 2nd dashed line below in a private email with the sister of my TBM best friend from high school who had also left the church... I have edited it slightly to remove my wife and son's names to retain some semblance of anonymity.
---------------------------
A bit of a back-story before I begin, though. My siblings and I are 7th generation LDS. Our particular family string has had some 'outages' starting with my grandfather (b. 1917), but the influence has been sufficient that all of my siblings were baptized in the '70s, though at this time only one is TBM. Of my extended family on my father's side, most are TBM but my uncle separated back in the 60s and has stayed out. My mother's side was never LDS to begin with and my mother's brief sojourn began and ended around 1970-71.
I first left the church in 1977 after a lot of harassment due to the fact that my family was not intact nor was my single father active. My father passed away that same year and I decided that since I had only been attending church for his sake anyway I didn't need the abuse anymore.
I briefly returned in 1991 (?) for about 6 months, but didn't find anything useful, so I left again.
After my mother-in-law's passing in 2007, my wife went through some hell (idiotic botched inheritance crap), but we started attending a local evangelical church. Didn't feel right to me, and eventually I drifted back to the LDS Church. Thought I'd do it right this time, give it 100% effort. And then...
---------------------------
Our story is necessarily fairly short, with my wife baptized in July 2008 and our exit in August 2009. We did all of the things we were supposed to do, and were in fact just getting ready for temple prep classes. I had been in and out (of the church) a couple of times before, but I really put my whole heart into it this time, instead of just going because I was supposed to go.
It worked out fairly well early on, but we always struggled with the fact that our autistic son (my wife's son from a previous marriage) never was fully accepted because he was quite different. Things started falling apart in earnest during a young men's trip to a cabin near Schofield, Utah. I appreciated the ward allowing my stepson to go (he was nearly 19 and kind of out of the age group), but some difficult things happened with the capper being invaded by a girls camp group who showed up the day before we were to leave. We were summarily dismissed from the cabin and our boys weren't allowed any contact with their girls. My son blew a gasket and I actually had to drive up to Salt Lake to spend the night with my sister because he couldn't tolerate the situation. It became quite clear during that trip that he was merely tolerated instead of embraced.
His difficulties continued when we came back as his expectations were not met by the others in his general age group. Up until June, he had been living at a residential facility and wasn't home that much. He came home though and expected be more involved with the people at the church; however, what usually happened was that events would happen and no one would tell him about them. Essentially, he was ostracized, much as I was as a kid because I lived in single-parent family with a father who smoked cigarettes.
At the same time, my wife was getting frustrated because there were too many activities, and my testimony essentially evaporated (I've referred to it as 'catastrophic testimony failure') when I began to read some of the lesson manuals where Joseph Smith came across to me as basically a maniac. The last lesson I read I had to drop the book as if it were radioactive. Joseph Smith is central to the faith; if you don't trust that he was who he said he was, it all falls apart. I guess I'll always believe that HE believed what he said, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it was objectively true.
Anyway, we left at that point - I abandoned my Elder's Quorum calling and my stake AV calling, and the only thing I completed at that point was a promise I had made to provide a men's quartet for a stake conference priesthood meeting. I loved the singing, but August 30 was the last time I set foot in the church. I've tossed around the idea of returning to a choir I was in, but ultimately discarded the idea because I don't want to be burdened with the constant questioning.
I then had to put up with a lot of well-meaning people telling me that "the adversary was trying to mess with me", etc., no doubt not much different than you had to several years ago.
I just had one of my missionary friends tell me he was impressed to ask me to read John 10. For whatever reason, I internally reacted rather hostilely to that suggestion. I suppose it is part of my separation process and I imagine it will pass in time.
Right this minute I don't feel the need to reach out to a community of ex-Mormons (though I appreciate the definition of TBM - that had escaped me in some of the posts I saw), but I appreciate the opportunity to share my feelings with you - someone who clearly understands the issue. I don't feel a need to actively debate any of my active LDS friends/family, but if I do I appreciate the reference materials.
My wife and I are relatively content with the way things are. We don't feel we can readily interact with those friends we made at the church (and they were many) because that elephant always sitting in the corner is saying "when are you guys coming back to church?" and if the answer is "never", there's not much else to talk about.
-------------------
I guess my perspective has changed a little bit, since I'm here joining PostMormon.org, eh?
Thanks, Lyle
PS January 4, 2010 - After 4 months plus away from the church, I'm finding that I have a desire to purge my life and belongings of anything LDS-related. I've deleted picture albums, trip souvenirs, basically anything that reminds me of the lost year spent pursuing nothing. I have a newly TBM aunt that is going through the temple right now, and I haven't been able (nor have I had a desire) to answer any of her emails gushing over the experience. I don't want to rain on her parade, but I certainly cannot share in her joy about the experience. I'm sure somewhere there's a list of grieving cycle stages and I'm in the one called 'bitterness' right now. This too, shall pass in time, and I will turn a new page on my life free of the bondage of the LDS church...