I was born and raised in the church. I have a fairly large family (6 kids--large by today's standards). I'm at least 5th generation mormon, maybe more; I can‘t say for sure, as I‘ve never really looked into it. My father was BIC, mom was a convert. Church is her entire life. Everything she is revolves around TSCC. She's one of those members who always bears her testimony when the opportunity presents itself (even when attending church out of town), she has "significant" dreams which involve personal revelation--you get the idea.
I've always had trouble with a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), though I didn't know what was wrong with me when I was younger. I used to feel like I wasn't good enough, that I had these problems because I wasn't righteous enough. I would pray and pray that god would heal me, that he would fix my problems. I would pray at night and wake up in the morning, hoping that I would be healed. I never was. It tore me apart inside. We were told by scripture to be perfect, and I could never be perfect, but oh how hard I tried!
Growing up in the church, I did everything by the book. Completed my young women's requirements, had my patriarchal blessing at 13, served in callings as I was asked to do.
I never felt the spirit--I constantly thought there was something wrong with me. I recited the words when it came to testimonies, prayers, etc., but never felt like I gained a "true testimony". Again, I thought that maybe I just wasn't doing the right things--maybe I wasn't trying hard enough, maybe I wasn't righteous enough. I really tortured myself with these and other similar thoughts.
When I was 14 I was in seminary. Our teacher mentioned the "there are other worlds than these" scripture. I started asking him:
"If there are other worlds, and the knowledge is that we are the wickedest world and that's why J.C. was sent here to be crucified, then these other worlds must know about us, right?
Do they have the same scriptures or another set of scriptures?
Are there scriptures that we may not know about that they have?"
And other questions along that vein. We ended up spending the entire seminary class discussing this issue. After class the teacher pulled me aside.
He said, "Did somebody put you up to this?"
"Put me up to what?"
"Taking up the entire class with these ridiculous questions."
I was so taken aback that I didn't even know what to say. I was horrified that he though my innocent, genuine questions had any ulterior motive. I was crushed. How could an adult of the church even think I could do such a thing? And my questioning of the motives of the religion began.
I started losing interest in church & seminary at that point in time, but kept going because I was afraid to tell my TBM family.
At 17 I graduated high school and went on a foreign exchange to Central America for a year. I became clinically depressed while I was down there (depression runs in the family). I went to church for a while, thinking maybe it would help. One day I went and a 10 year old girl asked me,
"Is it true what they say about you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"They say you do drugs and invite men to your house when everyone else is gone and have sex with them, especially married men."
Yet again, I was so horrified I didn't even know what to say. Until that point I had more or less gone to church, followed the WOW, etc. Eventually I found out that for some unknown reason my host mom (a nevermo) had told these things to the ward bishop, and of course, everyone believed her. That was about the worst I've ever felt in my life. Never had I thought that people would do something so cruel. That's the last time I went to church in Central America.
I came back to the states and went to college. Yet again, I tried to go back to church, but my heart just wasn't in it. I saw the hypocrisy in the student ward and it just disgusted me. I prayed and felt nothing. I read the scriptures and just wondered why I didn‘t feel anything, why I wasn‘t being blessed or comforted by god. So I just gave up, and I stopped going to church. After a while I realized that it wasn't so bad not going, and eventually I had no real desire to go back. I continued to be very depressed and have self-esteem issues for several years (mental issues left over from my TBM childhood, I'm sure).
In the middle of my sophomore year in college I finally told my dad that I "just wasn't interested in being mormon anymore." His response? "I'm very disappointed in you." That's the only time in my life he's ever said that he was disappointed in me.
So, after that just wasn't active in the church in any way. At first my family was extremely uncomfortable with me being inactive. My mom, dad and older brother each came to me at a different point in time and asked, "don't you believe? Why don't you want to go to church?" I would just tell them that I didn't see any problem with the doctrine, I just had a problem with the hypocrisy of members.
I met my husband (a nevermo) around that time. His family welcomed me with open arms, and his mom considers me to be her daughter. I feel so lucky to have married into such a wonderful family.
So, fast forward to late 2008--I've been "inactive" since 2000, and never really thought to take any further steps. And then in December something hit me--I'd never gathered the courage to do my own research on Mormonism. Lucky for me, the internet has a wealth of information. Even after 8 years of being out of the church, it felt so wrong to do a google search for "mormon temple ceremonies". I felt like I was a horrible person, discovering these secrets through the internet instead of discovering them personally as a worthy member of TSCC! And then I read the details. And read some more. And I was horrified that I had been duped into thinking that TSCC was anything but a farce. At that time all my feelings and anger about the church came back full force. I joined this site. I read up on Joseph Smith and the history of the church.
At the end of December 2008 my husband encouraged me to take the final step and remove my name permanently from church records. I wrote my letter on December 15th, but didn't have the courage to send it until the beginning of January 2009. And after weeks of waiting (and gnawing my fingernails in fear of missionaries or members showing up at my door), I received my official notification from SLC on Saturday Feb. 14th.
I am free!
And yet, I know that as long as I live the journey will continue.
- blonde