Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others. --Winston Churchill 

 

I know that as I was struggling to break free of Mormonism, my overwhelming feeling was one of being trapped, confined and limited. 

 

I wanted to grow.  I wanted to increase my awareness. 

 

But, due to the fear that had been conditioned into me from birth, I was scared to death of trusting myself and becoming an AUTHENTIC person who lived with actual INTEGRITY. 

 

I was ashamed of myself for no good reason.  I experienced crushing guilt for no good reason. 

 

I grappled constantly with the crushing certainty of my 'unworthiness'.

 

My capacity for rational thought was undermined while my blind obedience to authority was rewarded. 

 

I denied my true, genuine self so that I wouldn't be a disappointment.  I denied the anger and the resentment that I felt. 

 

I buried it deeper and deeper with each passing day. 

 

I did it so well and for so long that I truly began to feel like a stranger to myself.  In a discussion about anything remotely controversial, I would hear my voice speaking the 'church position' while my true self silently screamed the words that I really wanted to say. 

 

I came to be aware of the huge gulf that existed between my true, inner self and the contrived, outer self that I presented to the world.  It became all but intolerable for me.  

 

And then one day it finally happened.  I stood up and said, "NO MORE!  I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS FOR ANOTHER SECOND!"

 

And that is when my world came crashing down. 

 

It felt like I was in freefall.  Like I was falling and there was nothing to orient me... no landmarks... nothing to grab onto.  

 

I fell and I fell but I was free and it was worth it.

 

I sobbed.  I screamed obscenities.  I laughed like I had never laughed before.  

 

I was scared to death, but I was free and it was worth it.

 

Slowly but surely, the broken pieces began to realign themselves.  Like pulling the handle on a Las Vegas slot machine, one by one the spinning spools of authenticity dropped into place.

 

I reoriented myself.  I found myself.  The inner and the outer merged into one beautifully flawed human being.  

 

My thoughts are now my own.  My actions now come from within.  

 

It has not been easy and my course of action has not been without its casualties.  I have lost friends and damaged family relationships.  I have had to walk away from much of what I once considered to be 'me'.  But I have also forged new friendships and discovered new areas of life that I find fascinating and infinitely rewarding.  

 

And I no longer feel trapped.  I no longer live in a tiny sterile box with neat, tidy labels for anything and everything.  I no longer fear my own thoughts and feelings.  I take responsibility for my actions and I embrace my humanity with all its uncertainty.

 

I have made my choice and I have regained my inherent right as a human being to grow and progress as I see fit. 

 

So, in conclusion, if you feel trapped and confined as I once did, I hope that these words of mine will encourage you to continue down the difficult yet wonderful path that you know in your heart you must take.  

 

-Blue