Hi Tammy,

No worries about asking me what made me leave the church.  It was a combination of things really, and it could have started with the fact that growing up I lived with an angry and authoritarian father and everything I learned once a week at church was not the way real life was for me on the other 6 days. The rosy picture that was painted for me once a week was splendid, but not realistic, and ultimately that vast chasm between the "ideal" and my reality made my life hard no matter how often I prayed, or read the scriptures. Believe me, I always paid my tithing, I took all the callings that I was offered, I accepted assignments to give talks without any hesitation (even at a stake general conference in front of about 600 people), and I went on temple trips and youth conferences.  I longed for a happy family and a spiritual home and I tried so hard to manifest changes within my family, but it wasn't enough, always leaving me with the feeling that I could never measure up to the church's standards.  

By the time I got to Ricks, I was already riddled with guilt that I was not good enough, and at Ricks it was hard not to compare myself to these happy kids who grew up in big close knit families, and had amazing testimonies. I wondered what was wrong with me? Why wasn't I happy? Why was I miserable? The culture at Ricks really shocked me for starters, and there were lots of little things that didn't sit well with me, for one, in my anatomy & physiology class, scriptures were quoted by my professor as we were learning about the human body. It was the first time in my life where religion ever entered a science room.

Anyway, I only stayed for two terms at Ricks and went back home to looming disaster. My parents filed for divorce shortly after I came back home, and then I became sick and was diagnosed with type I diabetes (with no health insurance). My parents separated and then my dad started dating a woman from the same ward! It was a scandal and a lot of the members whom I thought were my friends were taking sides between my father and my mother, and I heard all this gossip and back talk.  Didn't they see that I was crying inside? Where was this Christ like love and compassion that I needed so badly? So, I went to another ward so that I didn't have to see the madness every Sunday, but my home ward bishop told me that I was disobeying God because of this. Why didn't my bishop see the big picture? Why couldn't he be more tolerant toward my feelings? I always assumed that God would understand and allow me to attend a different ward.

Amidst all my family and health turmoil, I discovered masturbation for the first time in my life at the ripe age of 20 and I felt so sinful and horrible immediately afterwards (like I had nailed Jesus on the cross with my own hands), and I did what all good Mormons are trained to do: I confessed my sins to the bishop. How embarrassing that was! The bishop told me that I wasn't praying hard enough, or reading the scriptures hard enough,and if I did pray and read my scriptures more then God would give me the strength to stop. Problem is I was already reading the scriptures and praying all the time! So I would pray some more and read the scriptures more, but to no avail. Then the bishop told me that the "devil had my soul" after which I was disfellowshipped. I was released from my calling as a relief society teacher and told by my bishop that I was expected to continue paying my tithing, but I was not allowed to participate in class, pray in class, and not allowed to take any callings. (Meanwhile, I learned after many years later, that my cousin was having sex, and got herself a temple marriage! Isn't that nice?) So, I was at a breaking point Tammy. I felt that my life was worthless and so I planned my suicide. I was going to take one of my dad's guns and blow my head off in a remote field in Maine somewhere. Then one day while driving home with tears streaming down my face and my heart broken, something inside my head clicked and it was a simple thought that rose above all the other chatter, "why would you kill yourself for a religion Kim?"

And that's just what the mormon church became to me, another religion selling salvation. The amount of guilt and shame and fear of committing a "sin" that is dished out by the mormon religion and every religion for that matter is astounding. The book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" actually helped me to want to kill myself...thanks Mr. Kimball. I felt so horrible after reading it. And the "Christ like" love, and the redemption of sin through Christ's sacrifice wasn't coming through the members, or the bishop, or Mr. Kimball's book, no matter how hard I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried, but it was never enough. So, ultimately I guess the answer to your inquiry is that I had to leave the church to save my life, You know, after leaving the church, for the first time in my life I felt that I was actually a good person after all. That's my story in a nutshell.

So, Tammy, if there was ever a time when you needed to talk to somebody about leaving the church, I extend myself to you now that if you ever need anyone to talk about your feelings about the religion I am always here for you and I'm a pretty good listener too. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do to leave the church because of 1) the fear of the promise you've been fed your entire life of what will happen to you if you leave "the only true church", 2) the people whom you thought were your friends in the church AND YOUR FAMILY turn their backs to you because they too have been fed all their lives about the consequences of leaving "the only true church," and 3) being uncertain for the first time in your life what is true anyway?

Well, Tammy I divulge a lot of this in your trust and hope it doesn't get used for some young women's class to scare them into behaving properly. If anything my story should be a lessen on what happens if you do everything right (except for the masturbation per church doctrine) and still nothing changes.  I certainly remember getting a lot of those scare tactic stories growing up as a kid and I think it's sad that children have to be frightened into faith/belief.

I hope to hear from you soon!
Your friend,
Kim