My family converted when I was a child, and I was a sincere believer from the start. I was seminary president, president of my young women’s classes, taught lessons, etc. I tried my best to keep all of the commandments to the letter, and repented sincerely where I fell short. I never strayed from the word of wisdom, law of chastity, tithing, church attendance, daily scripture study, etc. I received many spiritual confirmations of the truthfulness of the gospel that brought me to tears. My faith was unshakable, I believed – no, I knew the Church was true.

While at BYU, I encountered a fellow student who was in the process of leaving the Church due to contradictory and confusing spiritual experiences. I was sad to hear about their loss of faith, and to reaffirm my own, I fasted and prayed, as I had done hundreds of times before, for a confirmation from the Holy Ghost of the truthfulness of the Church, the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith as a prophet... For the first time in my life, instead of a burning in my bosom, I heard a resounding silence, and felt a yawning emptiness in my heart.

I figured it must have been a spiritual test of some kind, so I kept fasting, praying, and reading the scriptures. Over a couple of years, I continued to do this. I met with my bishop, my religion professor, and other priesthood leaders to address my issues. I studied, I read the scriptures, I talked things out with fellow students and friends, etc. Most of all, I kept praying – and I kept getting that silence, and that empty feeling, as a response to my prayers asking if the Church was true.

Finally, I had to admit that God was trying to tell me something, but it was something I didn’t want to hear – that the Church wasn’t true. I had been ignoring His very clear answers to my prayers, because I didn’t want to face that possibility.

I began to understand that the warm "burning in my bosom" feelings I had in the past that I thought were confirming the Church's truthfulness to me, were just emotional responses to my own wishes and desires -- my wish that the Church was true, my desire to have a personal connection with God. I realized that I had made that leap of logic (positive emotional response = the Church is true) not because it made sense or represented reality, but because the Church told me to, and I had not considered other possibilities.

Of course, admitting that to myself was devastating. Losing my religion, my identity (which was so tied up in the Church), and that very important element which I had in common with my family, was terrifying. But living a lie would have been even more devastating, and would have caused me to lose something much more precious -- the integrity of my soul.

None of the reasons Mormons typically give as to why people leave the Church applied to my departure, and I know several people who have left for the same reasons I did. It was after I left that I began to consider information about discrepancies in Church history, and was exposed to post-Mormon information on the internet. I wasn't offended by anyone in the Church, or tempted by a life of "sin." Sometimes sincere, obedient members who want nothing more in the world than for the Church to be true, leave because a genuine spiritual experience takes them away, and it’s that simple.

Fortunately, the ending to my story is a happy one. Although my family was very upset when I first left, over time we have found ways to maintain our closeness and be at peace in spite of our differences in faith. And when I finally accepted what God had been trying to tell me all that time, it ultimately opened the door for spiritual experiences many times more powerful than I had ever experienced in the Church. Now, years later, I operate from a paradigm of spirituality that is independent of religion, but I have chosen to be part of a vibrant religious community which brings added richness to my spiritual practice. 

That's my story. I hope it helps those who are going through something similar to know that they are not alone, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel; and I hope it helps those with questions about why people leave to understand another possibility of where we may be coming from.