This is the phrase that my daughter-in-law used in a conversation with me about two years ago.  Her purpose in saying it was to imply that I had left the LDS church because I had been offended that several of my friends had been excommunicated in September of 1993.  

What my daughter-in-law did not understand is that these excommunications, for me, were the equivalent of Dorothy stripping away the curtain that revealed the fakery of the "Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz."  The more I learned about the back-room machinations that led to these excommunications, the more I began to doubt the truth of Mormonism.  This disillusionment went through several progressive stages.  

The first stage was to validate my discomfort at the controlling nature of the current LDS leadership.  I did not feel this discomfort until my late husband took a job as a professor at BYU.  At first, as I took advantage of my free tuition as a spouse of a BYU employee, I felt encouraged when my instructors in the English department warned us that if we had a complaint about any of the assigned reading material that it was a waste of time to write to the General Authorities as they did not take such letters seriously.  If any of us felt a book was inappropriate, the instructors said they would allow us an alternative.  I was glad to hear that the GAs seemed to respect academic freedom.  However, this satisfaction was short lived.

So, the first event that disillusioned me was when BYU "fired" Cecelia Farr for her feminist views and pro-life stand.  I became more and more interested in the feminist view point, partly for personal reasons. I had never felt completely satisfied with the role of mother and homemaker.  I am an intelligent woman who had, before getting married, been involved in music and drama.  My creativity felt crushed and I was overwhelmed trying to parent by myself while my husband spent almost every waking hour working.  A fellow BYU professor even told my husband that he should work on Saturdays if he wanted to get ahead in his career.  But my patriarchal blessing said that my greatest calling was to be a mother, and the GAs were constantly talking about how important motherhood was, plus, it had only been a few years earlier that Ezra Taft Benson had given his infamous talk about mothers in the LDS church not working.  I thought something was wrong with me for not being satisfied.

My husband was sympathetic to my wish to have more in my life than just being his wife and the mother to our children.  He encouraged me to start taking classes and pursue my degree.  However, when things did not work well--like conflicting schedules and child-care needs, he would moan that he wished I would just be happy with staying home.  But then, at the same time, he did not seem as attracted to me when I was not taking classes.  He seemed to find me a more interesting and attractive person when I was engaged in pursuits outside of the home.  

As I became more and more sympathetic to a feminist view point, and the idea that I could be a faithful LDS woman and have a career, I also started attending Sunstone symposium and began reading their magazine, as well as the Mormon journal, Dialogue.  I was also drawn to a woman in my ward's women's book group who seemed to be a very strong believer in Mormonism and a feminist at the same time.  I began talking to her more and more.  Shortly after having an interesting conversation with her at our book group that perhaps the current LDS church leadership might sometimes have it wrong, I found out that she was related to an old friend of my husband's, Paul Toscano.  My husband ended up renewing his friendship with Paul and from time to time we would get together with Paul, and his wife, Margaret, with the woman in my ward, Margaret's sister, Janice, and her husband, David.  We had interesting and lively conversations.  

My husband and I developed a belief that the Book of Mormon was true, and that Joseph Smith had some type of transcendent experience, but that clearly, the idea of the Mormon church that we were given growing up had been sanitized.  We learned about Joseph Smith's polygamous relationships and started to think that God could work through some pretty messy individuals.  We became very sophisticated in our ability to rationalize away the cognitive dissonance.

To complicate all of this, my husband was also suffering from a rare form of cancer.  The disease went into remission for 5 years and then returned.  We wanted to believe in a metaphysical force that might deliver him from this illness.  So, we remained believers.  However, we had also come to believe, because of Boyd K Packer's speech about the enemies of the church, and his condemnation of certain symposia, that the LDS church leaders had abused their power as outlined in the Doctrine & Covenants.  Plus, we saw abuse of power in the LDS church close-up, as my husband's father was a controlling individual who often used his "authority" to manipulate and emotionally abuse family members.  I think this led to my husband's rejection of the GAs as a kind of transferential reaction.  I think this was true of myself, as well.  

The evening before one of my husband's surgeries, David and Janice Allred dropped by at my husband's request to help give a blessing.  My father-in-law and mother-in-law were also there.  My husband, who wanted to get his mind off the surgery, and who also had a habit of being provocative, brought up Paul Toscano's writings.  At some point during the conversation my FIL started to pontificate about the importance of following leaders and proceeded to tell a story that I had heard several times already (my FIL has a habit of answering challenges with a story and there are only about half a dozen stories that he tells).  It was a story about a time he had disagreed with Gordon B. Hinckley, and then GBH turned out to be right.   After he finished telling the story, David Allred leaned in and said, "Power is important to you, isn't it Brother Rossiter?"  

My FIL's face got as red as a beet.  He sputtered and proceeded to tell another story that was meant to show his humility and lack of caring about power.  Later, my MIL admitted that David had gotten it exactly right, although, she also later recanted this statement once FIL explained to her that David was critical of the LDS church.

Well, at first it seemed like David and my FIL would not be able to give my husband a blessing together, but eventually everyone calmed down and my FIL gave a short speech about approaching God from a position of righteousness and strength.  His belief seemed to be that if my husband had been a good check-list Mormon (paying tithing, attending church, WoW, and so on) that God would "owe" us a miracle.   

Unfortunately, the surgery failed to take out 100% of the cancer and my husband and I spent the next two years trying to raise our 5 sons while also dealing with chemotherapy and radiation therapy.  

In September of 1993, we stood in a church parking lot in SLC during the excommunication hearing for Paul Toscano.  About a year later, we did the same for Janice Allred.  As it so happened my in-laws were in town that evening and were livid with us for attending the vigil.  My FIL even scared my husband, who was still bald from chemo treatments, and obviously in need of his health insurance from BYU, that he was risking his job as a BYU professor by being at the vigil.  I was even quoted in the press which further upset FIL.  My husband called his department chair to make sure he wasn't in any trouble.  His chair assured him that it was fine.  

At the time of my husband's death in 1995, we believed in the central doctrines of Christianity, the Book of Mormon, and Joseph Smith's teachings.  We believed along with the Allreds and the Toscanos that Jesus was God and that a powerful message of both Christianity and Mormonism was the fact that God humbled himself in the person of Jesus to be with his children on an equal basis.  We were inspired by the message of love and equality.  

I requested that Paul speak at my husband's funeral.  This was denied.  I then asked if Janice could speak.  Also denied.  In fact, Janice's bishop accused me of using my husband's death to make the church look bad.  Margaret, however, spoke, giving a sermon, at my request that she had given at Sunstone.  People in my ward thought it was either the best or worst funeral they had been to. Some thought it was too "dark" because Margaret talked about how Jesus had not only been resurrected, but had also died.  A lot of ward members didn't think death was an appropriate topic for a funeral.

Since 1995, I have come to learn that I don't actually believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ, the authenticity of the Book of Mormon, or the writings of Joseph Smith.  Since 1995, I have obtained a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology, and believe that Smith most likely suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  My belief in Christianity has also fallen away, and I have some problems with some of the implications for institutionalizing scapegoating and victimization, that I find inherent in a Christian cosmology.  

I have left a great deal out of this narrative.  I have 5 sons. Four of my sons have also left the LDS church, but one has not.  I haven't spoken to Janice, David, Paul or Margaret for many years.  I think Janice would be disappointed that I no longer believe in The Book of Mormon, as she is a devout believer.  Recently, I listened to John Dehlin's interview with Paul, and I thought his statement that he no longer has faith, but only hope that Mormon doctrine is true, was one of the most honest testimonies I have ever heard.  I'm not sure I even have hope.  I believe in the power of the human spirit and I hope that my consciousness survives my mortal existence.  However, I have no personal experience that would lead me to believe this could be so.