I was raised in the church. Grew up in the little town of Rexburg, Idaho which was 97% LDS at the time. I was a good kid, a people pleaser. I wanted to make my parents, coaches, teachers, leaders happy and proud of me. I didn't do anything to rock the boat. I got good grades, played ball, attended seminary, and did EVERYTHING they expect you to do. Boy they were proud of me!

My motivation at the time wasn't from some burning testimony - it was from fear. I was afraid they would quit loving me. I was afraid of going to hell. I was afraid that bad things would fall upon me immediately (and I do want to discuss this Fear Factor in another post). My motivation for being such a shining star was Fear!!

I went to college at Ricks College because that is just what you do. It never occurred to me to doubt the teachings, but in the back of my mind I was convinced some of the rules were idiotic. I was baffled by an Honor Code which doesn't allow you any Free Agency.

Anyhow, everyone around me was getting married. You know - engagement rings everywhere, bridal showers, temple ceremonies...oh, and then they were allowed to have sex!!  So, I started dating this guy, and what a gem he was. He had been absolutely perfect his whole life - and he was even more naive and sheltered than I had been. He was an RM, and one day he came to me and told me that he had had an experience at the temple and felt like we should get married. I looked at him and said, "well, I've had no kind of confirmation or experience like that. But you must be entitled to some sort of spiritual guidance that I'm not, so yeah, I will marry you."

I wasn't in love with him. But I thought I was following God's plan for me. We got married in the temple, at which time I was distraught that my name wasn't special, and that everyone looked so silly in their temple clothes. I was upset that the primary "proof" of your obedience was knowing handshakes, and consequently we rarely attended the temple after that.

I struggled with being married. Mostly because I was trying to be and do all the things that I was taught Mormon women are supposed to do. I wasn't ever true to myself because I hadn't even figured that part out yet. I was just following blindly - and putting on that good show for everyone else so they would continue to love me and be proud of me.

This went on for several years. We had 3 children. About the time my last child was born, I was starting to drift away from the church in a major way. I had grown tired that our only motivation for attending the temple (or even having a recommend) was because we were afraid of missing a family function, and what would the family think? In 9 years, I think we went 5 times....all for sealings or endowments for family members.

I also grew tired of attending church for the wrong reasons. I can't tell you how many times a meeting finished and people around me were saying how wonderful it had been, while I was just waiting to get my grumpy little kids out of the building. I kept asking myself if we were in the same building and what was I missing? We went to church on Sundays and sat on our little bench, looking the perfect little Mormon family. We could sure play the part. But I was very unhappy that our motivation for attending was so that the Ward wouldn't wonder about our worthiness if we didn't go.

I quit going to church. The Bishop came by a couple of times. He told me he was baffled that we didn't attend church, and yet we were full tithe payers. I just told him I wasn't attending until I wanted to be there for the right reason.

Then I started testing the waters. I wasn't attending church, and nothing bad had happened to my family. So I quit paying tithing, just to see if we would immediately burn in hell. Nope, we didn't.

My next rebellion was to take off my garments. DH didn't even notice, didn't ask me. At the time, that was a major turning point in our relationship. We did eventually divorce and wasn't that a shock to family and friends who still thought we were living the Mormon Dream??

One evening I was reading online and I came across info about the Mountain Meadows Massacre. I was shocked, and curious. I also ran across some info on Masons, and that just made me want to vomit. And little by little, I had continual doubts creeping into my head.

I was asked to speak at a Christian Women's group luncheon about a non-religious topic, and I went with great curiosity. I didn't know what to expect, and the fact that I was going meant I had grown up from the intolerant way I had been raised. As the other speaker shared her message, I can honestly attest I felt the so-called "spirit" more than I had at any sacrament meeting in my entire life and I was baffled that I could feel something at a non-denominational meeting. I thought long and hard about how and why this could happen, and I was also thrilled to have heard her message and use it to improve my life.

Two years ago, I completely stepped back from the church. I wanted to clear my head all the way, and see if the desire to develop my own burning testimony was there or not. I was tired of following everyone else's plan for me, and I just quit cold turkey. I didn't say anything to anyone, and then I was divorced about 6 months later.

Ex has recently remarried a nice young gal (in the temple) and she loves being LDS and exemplifies what a Mormon woman should be. They are very happy, so I can't begrudge them. I'm not extremely bitter, I don't hate the church. I've grown up enough in my views that I accept everyone for their own beliefs...even when they differ from my own.

Without a lot of factual evidence, I have come to believe in my heart that a loving God would not set us up for failure. I am a parent and I understand unconditional love - which is not what you receive from the church - and it's also not what they teach you you'll receive from Heavenly Father. I find it hard to believe that he would disallow 2/3 of his children to live with him for eternity. I don't believe the way to heaven is through a series of secret handshakes. I don't believe the ONLY way to have guidance and inspiration is by sitting in church for 3 hours, and reading their scriptures, etc. I don't believe you have to be married in the temple, sealed, in order to make it. I just don't.

I'm certain as I read more of the factual evidence and these forums and articles that my opinion will become even more solidified. My family is extremely unhappy with me right now, and it "just breaks their hearts" that someone who was so picture perfect of a Molly Mormon could be such a disappointment. They are mourning the fact that I won't be there with them in the Celestial Life because they will miss me.....on and on and on and on. I would rather disown all of them than continue to listen to the persistent lectures. I figure in time, they will choose to have me in their lives, warts and all, rather than not having me around at all. Wishful thinking?

J