This is my story of liberation.

I am in my early-30's, born and raised in the LDS church. In 2004, after many years of inactivity, I found out I was pregnant with a non-mormon guy's baby.  My very LDS family took me straight to LDS Family Services, and I was cajoled and coaxed into giving my baby up for adoption. (Mind you, this is my complete decision, and she is healthy and happy and I would not want it otherwise.... however there are days where I wonder if it'd have been different, had I not believed in the pre-existance and the "divinity" of "God's plan").... After baby's gone, all is back to normal, and the pure LDS image is returned for my family.  They collectively give a big sigh of relief knowing that all the impurity of my actions is gone and now I can be sorely guilted back into the sheepish LDS lifestyle, having a mark on my record.  I go to singles wards and try to assimilate.  I date Mormon guys.  Unbeknownst to these "pure" dudes, I had sex before marriage, I was a mother, and had already experienced the charm and wit of non-Mormon guys. They were more interesting. Single LDS guys were horribly boring in my opinion, and I had more life experience than my fellow single church-mates.

After a year of inactivity, I meet my future husband through mutual friends.  He was raised Catholic and would now be classified as a pantheist.  He treats me better than any other man I have ever met. He knows the LDS church is a cult, and after much urging and pushing, I finally allow him to show me the LDS Family History site search for JS.  I learn that Mr "Prophet" himself is married to 32 women, some underage, and some severely underage.  At first, I get the gut cog-dis reaction that everything is baloney, and then I realize that this is a church approved site.  Then I feel stupid.   Then I feel sorely cheated and severely angry.  Then I miss my daughter. This defeated sense of agony lasted with me to the point of almost suicide and complete despair.  God cheated me.

Not 2 months later, I find my cousin in a parked car in a church parking lot facing the chapel, dead of a gunshot wound to the chest. He had committed suicide on a Sunday after also struggling with leaving the church for many years.  He didn't leave a note. He was married to a believing wife with 5 super-active kids and as I was forced to watch the aftermath LDS bullsh*t that crept into his funeral in the LDS chapel that day.  i.e. "This is God's plan" and "Families are forever."   Well...I remember learning in my youth that if you commit suicide, you do not go to the Celestial Kingdom.  This was a turning point for me and I realized through his death how fragile life is....   this is our only life and we don't get a second chance.  The only good thing to come out of this horror was my personal awakening that life is precious and every moment counts.   I stopped smoking, stopped despairing, got uber-fit, married the greatest man ever, and haven't looked back since... There is no God, no Satan, no boogie-man!!   I feel brand new now and overwhelming sense of freedom and excitement takes over me daily.   

My entire family is still LDS and I do not discuss my findings with anyone except my husband and never-Mo friends....  it's very difficult to try to maneuver through LDS relationships that are so delicate that you are unable to freely be yourself; my integrity is newfound and I'm still unable to completely share with them how I feel.  This sucks.  They assume I'm only inactive and most likely believe that I am not only a heathen, but a heathen who is withholding the "truth" of the gospel to my never-mo husband as well....  

I'd rather be silent and wait for their questions and "concern" to tell them my new findings, rather than have them completely erased from my life.  I remember how quickly I'd delete people who were possible apostates from my heart back in the day and do not wish to lose contact with my family for the sake of my own liberation. Maybe in the new few months I'll get some courage and see what happens....  Everyone should feel this free.