In October of 2004 I lived what I thought a normal life. Sure, it had its’ ups and downs, but one conversation on a crisp autumn evening would change it all….
My husband Brent and I have a pretty good relationship. We laugh, cry and in general enjoy one another’s company. We try to have a weekly date night. I sometimes worry about the money we spend, but in Brent’s words, “Would you rather spend the money on a date or counseling?” I choose the date most of the time.
This life change started with two pretty normal people, on a pretty normal date night at a pretty normal restaurant over a pretty normal meal. We were talking as usual about everyday things when Brent asked me, “So, how do you think our relationship is going?” I felt pretty good about it at the time. It seemed like we were both giving our 100% or close to that, and so I told him that. He said, “Good, good. That’s good because I have something I need to tell you.” He paused and looked at me nervously for a moment. The first thought that crossed my mind was that he had had an affair. I felt a little sick. He then told me that he had been having doubts about the church for quite some time and that he didn’t feel he could be a member of the LDS church anymore. I felt some relief because he wasn’t having an affair and said something like, “Is that all?” We finished our date both a little relieved, me about him not having an affair and him because I didn’t freak out and throw him out of my life.
The next day the weight of what he said sunk in. We were driving home from a family gathering in Sandy. We were on the I15 and I exploded. Arguably not the best time to explode, but I did. That whole day I had been asking myself question after question. I knew the life we had a day ago, and now I had no answers. Will he attend church with the kids and me? Is Brent going to still wear garments? Will we as a family have the blessings of the temple? Who will baptize my children and give them blessings? Will we still raise our children with the gospel in their life? Is Brent going to start drinking…and then what if he does? Is my family safe with a person who drinks? (My Grandfather was an alcoholic and on occasion beat my Grandmother.)
Many questions crossed my mind that would take years to figure out. I was so afraid of this life without the gospel and my family’s eternal salvation that the best I could think of was to call most of Brent’s family and every member of mine and ask them to pray for us. I got a blessing from my brother to help me see what path I should take. I even begged/forced Brent to go to the temple with me. I needed answers and I needed them NOW. We went to the Bishop and discussed our situation. Brent started meeting with the Bishop for monthly chats. I purchased books that I thought would help Brent with his issues concerning the Joseph Smith papyrus. Nothing seems to be working. Brent became quiet and withdrawn. I became depressed, sad and moody. What kind of a person was I if I couldn’t make my husband see the error of his ways? Was I not spiritual enough? If I was righteous enough my family would be blessed and Brent would come back, right?
I started reading the Scriptures every day. I read the Book of Mormon to my children every night. In addition to my personal prayers, I prayed with my children morning, at every meal and at night. I pleaded with God from help. I bargained with God. I was mad at God. I did all the “requirements” I was supposed to. How could God let this happen to me? I didn’t know if I wanted to be with Brent. Should I get a divorce? Would life be better for the children and me if he was gone? I am embarrassed to say that on occasion I even wished he would just die. Isn’t it written that it is better for him to die than leave the LDS church? I stupidly thought that would make my life so much easier.
Brent continued to come to church with the children and me. He still wore his garments, which gave me hope that this was just a learning phase and he would come back to the true light and knowledge he previously had. But he was really just going through the motions to keep our little family together. Also, I am ashamed to say, because of the great pressure I was putting on him.
WHY I STAYEDMany people have asked me why I decided to stay and not just leave. My leaving would be justified because I was saving myself and the children from Satan. The following will hopefully shed some light on my thought process. As I said earlier, I was reading the scriptures A LOT. I came across a set of verses found in 1 Corinthians Chapter 7:
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. [1] 16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how [2] knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
I was also reading my Patriarchal Blessing which stated that: “I bless you with a family and children to bless your life and to love and teach. I bless you, Colleen, to prepare your life for this great time when you will be responsible for a family and that you will be diligent in keeping and obeying all our Father’s commandments.” Being and staying married were Heavenly Fathers’ commandments.
At this time I also read the literary classic, The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. At the end of his book the main character, Edmund Dantes says, “All human wisdom is summed up in two words; wait and hope.” I felt I had faith. I just needed to wait and hope for the best, which of course was Brent returning to the gospel and our eternal family being saved.
It has been said, “You find what you are looking for.” I believe that statement is true. I desperately needed comfort and that is what I found. For better or worse, these words written kept me moving when all I really wanted to do was too stayed curled up in the fetal position.
In February of 2007, my oldest turned 8. We were still attending our church meetings and Brent was still struggling with his testimony. We went and talked to the Bishop about getting Logan getting baptized. The Bishop felt there was no reason why Brent couldn’t baptize him. I thought Brent should perform the baptism too. I am sure this went against his better judgment, but he did. We had the usual party with all the family and friend over and everything seemed to be on the mend. Surely this display of the priesthood power would help him come back, but it backfired. I am sure that Brent felt such cognitive dissonance, that he slowly quit trying. Our family life got even harder and our relationship suffered. The children and I started going to church alone. This was extremely difficult for me. I no longer felt the support Brent had once given, and was embarrassed to be seen without the Priesthood representative from our family.
INVESTIGATING ON MY OWN TERMS
At this time, we not only had these spiritual and emotional trials, but were beginning to suffer financially. Investments we had made were not turning out as planned and Brent was working on a few different projects to help us out.
I was also in physical pain. I had broken my tailbone a few years earlier and the regular shots of cortisone were no longer working. I could no longer sit and function. In July 2007, I elected to have surgery and have my tailbone removed. What was going to be a fairly easy recovery, turned into a painful nightmare. Surgery went fine and a week later the post-op prognosis was good. A few days later, I took a turn for the worse.
I went to the emergency room on a Sunday in terrible pain. I could barely move. The E. R. doctor told me he couldn’t do anything for me and to call my doctor the next day. I went home beaten. I called the home teachers for a blessing. They came over and gave me a blessing. I was still in unbelievable pain. Once again my faith wasn’t strong enough. I got a stronger pain medication called in and felt better. Surprisingly, the doctor was not in Monday and I had to wait until Tuesday afternoon to be seen. At that appointment he told me I had an infection and would have to be re-opened. I was in surgery 3 hours later. I ended up having a staph plus infection. After a stay overnight in the surgical center, four surgery scrapings, a PICC line, visits from an in-home nurse twice daily to clean my open wound for two weeks, an enormous amounts of drugs and months of recovery, I got better.
This is indeed a painful memory, but it has many silver linings. During this time I had much love shown to my family. Ward members made meals and watched my children. My brother John came and mowed my lawn and helped with the kids. My sisters each spent a week with me, my Mom two. While my Mom was here, the kids and I got lice. I was so weak that I couldn’t lift my arms over my head for more than a few seconds. I couldn’t have taken care of my family without the help of others. The LDS church is a great community for service and good, and I will be forever thankful for that.
I came away from this experience with the feeling that my family, the love we have for one another, and how we treat each other are more important than being ignorantly right. I needed to do what I needed to do to keep my family together, no matter the consequences. Instead of fighting against Brent and being bitter towards him for bringing up inconsistencies and historical problems in the church, which I didn’t know about, I decided to investigate some of these issues for myself. My stubborn walls crumbled slowly.
In April 2008, I started to question the LDS Church. I read Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Lyman Bushman. This book is sold at Deseret Book and I thought to myself, “Deseret Book is sort of church owned. This is still in the parameters of ok reading material. Not that “anti-Mormon” stuff.” The book was long and a struggle to get through. I came away surprised that other besides Joseph Smith claimed to have a “first vision” of sorts. He was also a “treasure hunter” and that was how he found the “seer” stone that he used to translate the plates instead of actually translating from the plates like I was taught. Joseph Smith was also married to other women besides Emma, and some of these women were married to other men. I talked to a family member about my beginning doubts, and they said this same book helped build their testimony. What was my problem then? Why is this bothering me and not my family member? Maybe I was turning to the dark side.
I also started researching on the web. Brent emailed me a site, www.wivesofjosephsmith.org to learn more about these other women. I remember talking to another member of my family and mentioning that Joseph Smith was married to other women and some of those women were married to other men. They told me that I can’t believe everything I read and the only stories they knew were the ones told in church about the “test” to Heber C. Kimball and John Taylor concerning their faithfulness. I also heard how polygamy was needed at this time to raise a righteous generation and that there were so many women who wanted children and not enough men, etc. None of these reasons sat well with me. I was told it didn’t sit well with me because we were no longer asked to live that law. I then thought, “Plural marriage caused so much conflict and personal turmoil in most of the women asked to live it, that maybe it wasn’t right then either.”
I was still attending church and we had a written question time that were mixed up in a basket and pulled out one at a time. There was time for only two questions, mine was the second. I secretly asked, “Why was it ok for Joseph Smith to marry women who were already married to other men?” The Relief Society leader turned my question over to the Bishop who was there. He said, “We didn’t know all things, but would find out in the life after. And that something’s really didn’t matter to the truthfulness of the gospel.” Another person said that she just put things on her spiritual shelf and would ask God in the next life. None of these answers satisfied me. My frustration was growing.
In June 2008, my daughter played with a neighbor who happened to be the child of the Relief Society President. My daughter (6 at the time) had mentioned how she and her Dad hated going to church. The neighbors’ daughter agreed with her. The next day was Sunday. I was at church and the Bishop wanted to talk to me. He asked me how things were going and how Brent was doing. He then told me that Brent’s “problem” with the church usually was because of some sin. I thought I am going through Hell and questioning my childhood beliefs because of some sin Brent is committing? I let Brent have it when I got home. Brent handled it calmly and said that his questions concerning the church weren’t because of any sin, and we proceeded to have the same talk we have had for years about all the historical inaccuracies and deception in the church.
Later that day, the entire Bishopric came to our house. They told us that some of the neighbors were concerned with what our family was saying to others. We talked about polygamy and other concerns with the church. The members of the bishopric swore that they would hand their wives over to the prophet if he asked them to. I didn’t get it. Then one member said that he didn’t really know Brent that well but thought he was one of the most unfriendly neighbors. I thought, “What the hell! How dare you come in to our home and criticize us.” Brent handled it better. He said, “I don’t know you very well either, but if I have offended you or your family I apologize.” They left soon after. It was a weird meeting.
I called my Relief Society President neighbor after they left and asked her why she didn’t just tell me about the conversation. She said, “Oh, did my husband tell you?” I said that it was pretty obvious who it was and figured it out myself. We had a relatively nice chat where she told me I could raise my kids how I wanted and I told her I planned to. I told her that maybe she could use this as an opportunity to share her testimony with her daughter and make it a teaching moment. She was a little offended. I tend to try to make things light when things get touchy so I said, “I hope you can still sleep at night having us as your neighbors.”
I thought we left things ok.We were in and out of town the rest summer, so didn’t have a lot of contact with the neighbors. This particular neighbor started ignoring us. I would wave as we passed one another and she would visibly look at me and turn her head. She would leave when I arrived at the same place, or see I was there and just decide to not come. This was quite hurtful to me because we were good friends before. I didn’t understand this form of bullying so I went to her home and apologized to her for whatever I did. She just told me that I really hurt her feelings, that Brent was a liar, and she was mad at him for yelling at her daughter a year ago. She then told me had washed her hands of me and my family. I was shocked. I had never had someone treat me and my family this way and she was the Relief Society President. Obviously, I put her on some sort of religious pedestal. Some neighbor relations have suffered a bit, and it does hurt. My silver lining from this is in knowing who my real friends are.
Around this time I decided I wasn’t going to wear my garments anymore. I now knew too much about the history and the way people were in the church. The true colors. I spent the next year being a pendulum. I could see things that didn’t rest well with me, but then think of the good the LDS Church brings. Back and forth, to and fro, this and that. My mind was a jumbled mess. It was no way to live. I couldn’t sit on the fence forever. I was so afraid of the new territory I was entering. Would more people treat me the same as this Relief Society friend? Would more families reject my children because of our change in beliefs? How could I change the way I was raising my family and what I had been teaching my children for the last 10 years? I would become the liar that I despised so much. How would I raise my family now that I had no guidelines?
I still believe there is a God and I still pray. The answer I got was to step away from the LDS Church. Really? Did I just get that answer? I had spent the last few years clinging to the cliffs’ edge trying to hold on to my religion. That was the life I knew. I started prying my grip from the ledge.
The first part of 2009 I stopped attending church. I started going to C.A.L.M. meetings with Brent. In August of 2009 I made the decision to resign my name from the Church. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Brent. I didn’t want to tell Brent because I knew he would be elated and I wanted to do this for me. I was unsure, and second guessed myself, but felt I needed to do this. I guess I just wanted to know what it felt like, to test the waters a bit. I also didn’t want blame placed on Brent and I wanted to feel it for myself. In late September I told Brent. He was shocked and elated as I predicted.
The first part of October I told my parents. I was so afraid that they wouldn’t want me in their lives. I had heard so many sad stories, but I feel honesty is one of the highest virtues and I felt like if I didn’t tell them that I was living a lie. I cried and told them I was tired of sitting on the fence and felt like I needed to make a decision and that I felt peace in leaving the church. I had found out to much to believe the church was what it says it is and that I couldn’t pretend the history was ok anymore. I also told them I hoped they could still love me. My Dad got quiet, but my Mom was crying and she said that she was sorry that I would ever think her love and relationship with me depended on the church. She sent me and the rest of my family the following email:
Our time here on earth is for us to develop our character. The character we desire to develop is like the Saviors. He taught us how to do this when he gave us these two commandments:
Love God
Love one another as I have loved you.
I've shared the above truths as a preface to the following: We each have been given the right to make choices. We each have been given the command to love one another.
I love each of you individually and all unitedly for what you have been, for what you are, and for what you can become. I will always love you.
Mother
My family has been surprisingly tolerant. I still feel their love and realize that we do have a relationship, that is still and always tied to the church since they are all still Mormon, but that there is still more. Our mutual friendship, respect and love are not based on any religion. I still talk to a few, if not all of my siblings on a weekly basis.
A week or so after my “coming out” to my family, I went to the Ex-Mormon Conference in Salt Lake City. I went swimming and hung out with my children mostly, but did listen to a few speakers. I met many wonderful people there. Some of their stories broke my heart. I thought mostly of the families who disown individual members when they don’t conform to the LDS Church. I thought of how I was almost numbers among those who let their loved ones go. That hits me especially hard.
After the Ex-Mormon conference I decided I needed to tell my friends about my life change. I was hoping they would accept me for me, and had reconciled that if they didn’t they probably weren’t my real friends anyway. I called most and spoke to a few in-person. The comment I heard most was that they were sad, but I was still Colleen and that they loved me for me. These friends have remained friends and still treat me the same. I am grateful for them and their genuine nature.
When my journey first started, I shot the messenger (Brent), and ignored the real problem. The problem wasn’t my husband and making him see the errors of his ways, it was actually in the history of the Church, the half truths, the lies and the covering up of the not so faith promoting information. The problem was in letting others take control of my life and my choices. The problem was also in me. I needed this time to change. I needed to grow my own brain and have my own thoughts instead of relying on someone to tell me what to do. I needed to realize that good can be found in so many aspects of life, not just in a religion. I was afraid of others rejection of me. I really needed to learn to accept myself first. I agree with what a good friend once told me. He said, “My turmoil came more from the fight within than any other conflict.”
Since resigning my membership and telling my family and friends, I have felt peace. I have not felt this happy and comfortable with myself and surrounding for a very long time. True, my beliefs have changed from what they were, but basically my major belief is that we are all just here to help one another be better people, to live happy lives and to love. I believe there are many paths that can help this come about and the path they have chosen is not the same as mine, and that’s ok. I don’t feel the need to change others as I did when I needed to convince others that the only way to get to God is to join the “one true church”. I am now learning to accept and embrace others and their differences.
I slowly let go of the dark, sandy cliff’s edge that I clung so desperately to. I fell into a seemingly endless black abyss for a few long years. When I finally decided to open my eyes and looked around, I was standing on a more solid ground, the dark storm clouds that once surrounded me were gone and a world of brilliant colors lay ahead. The air is clean and fresh and I can breathe again.