I was born a Mormon.  My father was converted in his teens and my mother converted when she married him.  I have 6 siblings, only one of which is an active member.  Truly (although it seems odd, perhaps, to think about it in this sense) my journey of leaving "the church" began when I was a young child.  I am now 22, but have realized that the experiences of my youth, particularly my relationship with my father, were perhaps some of the most important steps that lead me away from the gospel. 

My earliest memories with my father are the best because they are the fuzziest.  I'm referring to when I was maybe 3-5 years old.  As soon as I became a self-aware individual with opinions and a strong personality the memories of our relationship seem to have cemented themselves in my mind as much clearer incidents.  I do not feel the need to go into too many particulars, and would like to assure the reader that there was no sexual abuse and very minimal physical abuse, but the emotional and verbal abuse that I received from my father was enough to do permanent damage to my pscyche.  The reason that this is relevant is because as I emerged into my teens, having already suffered from having a loveless, aggressive, controlling, domineering, manipulative father for years, I began to question mormonism's role in his behavior.  It wasn't until my mother announced to me one morning when I was 16 that she had asked my father for a divorce after 27 years, that I began to see the connections.  She had desired to do so for at least the past 5 years, during which she had suffered from depression that affected the whole family.  Her guilt over how it would be perceived by members largely affected her reluctancy to do so.  And her fear of him as well as hurting the tight family bond that the church preached we should uphold were enough to cause her to suffer through his temper tantrums and control.  I felt shame because I was happy about this.  Eager, in fact, for her and the rest of us to be free of him.  My mother, in an attempt to put my father in a much better light than he deserved, told me that he had been beaten by his father, as well as routinely watched his father beat his mother, and that I should be understanding and respect him for his own restraint.  It occurred to me then (much more so now) that it was probably the patriarchal rule of the church, conservative view of the family which emphasized the mother as a subservient housewife, and illusion of his goodness that it supplied that drew him to the church in the first place.  Since I, since youth, had been an independent thinking feminist, with an assertive bold nature, he could not "deal" with me and chose instead to over assert his power on me.  As a result, I more than any of my sisters, have the worst relationship with him.  Anyway, experiences with him planted the first seeds of doubt.

When I found out that our "perfect" family (which I was never deluded enough to believe in) was disentegrating, I had been in a healthy happy relationship for a couple months (mind you, I was 16).  Before meeting this boy I had been in 4 previous relationships.  3 out of those 4 were with mormon boys, one of which cheated by kissing my best friend and another who compulsively lied to me.  The sweetest, kindest, most trustworthy of that bunch was a non-member.  The cheater (a member) was the one with whom I had done more than just kiss because he pressured me into letting him feel up my chest.  When I told him I was ashamed of this he said he understood, but then did it again.  It was then that I dumped him.  I began to become confused as to why all of the men who didn't respect me were mormon and those who did were not. 

Well, the boy I was with when I discovered my parents were getting a divorce was a non-member and had every single charcteristic that I wanted in a man, except that he wasn't mormon.  I told myself that eventually I could convert him.  Slowly throughout that first year as our love grew deeper we started to sexually explore little by little.  I felt tremendous guilt for this and always told him that I wouldn't do whatever we had the previous night again, but was consistantly drawn by the sweet genuine connection I had with him (and let's face it, my natural sexuality) into doing it again.  He never pressured me and I almost always instigated.  I prayed and prayed hoping for an answer as to how expressing my love to him in this way could feel so right, but be a sin and I never received an answer.  After a year we began having sex and although immediately before, during, and after the act I felt that I was doing something pure and right, at any other time I felt that I was evil and sinning.  Reconciling those feelings was impossible.  When we had been together for 3 years and gotten engaged, we moved in with each other and I slowly stopped attending church more and more.  It was at this point that sex became very very painful.  I went to doctor after doctor and was told that nothing was wrong with me.  For a year we had sex only a few times, suffering from frustration and anger like you would not believe.  Eventually I was referred to Stanford where I was diagnosed with vaginismus and referred to a physical therapist.  I was told that I had developed a psychological condition most likely brought on by fear or shame related to sex that made my PC muscles spasm causing trememendous pain upon penetration.  She then asked me if I practiced or had recently practiced a religion that taught that pre-marital sex was sinful.  This was a moment of enlightenment for me.  I realized that I was so indoctrinated, so guilt-controlled, that I had literally unconsciously caused my own body and beautiful loving relationship to suffer.  She then taught me that masturbation techniques were going to be the only way to slowly become reacquainted with my sexuality and healed to the point where I could have pain free sexual intercourse.  I had to re-program my brain to love my body, love natural sexual impulses, and see the beauty in sex with my fiancee again.  Because of this amazing therapist, after 4 or 5 months I was almost completely healed.  My husband and I were able to combat my years of mormon upbringing and have enjoyable sex on our wedding night.  This experience was eye opening for me.

I am happy to say that I have been married to this boy that I fell in love with when I was fifteen for 3 years and have been together for 7.  I have not attended church for almost 4 years except for the occassional visit to support a friend or family member in an important event.  I have become comfortable with my sexuality and have been able to have a relationship with a kind, thoughtful man who never needed the church to dictate to him how to be a good person and husband.

Also, a very crucial part in my total severance from the church has been my study of biological-anthropology, evolution, attending Cal (a very liberal university) and learning slowly to love the natural processes of things and to let go of fear or concern of any after-life.

The absolute nails in the coffin have been my recent miscarriage and discovery of all of the limitations placed on member's sexuality even after marriage and the detriment this causes to their own psychology and relationships.  When I miscarried, I suffered from extreme depression and wanted so badly to have some sort of faith in God.  Instead of giving in to the temptation (it's odd to think of it as such, huh?), I learned from it.  I learned that people cannot stand their own weakness or confusion and ache for answers whether they are the truth or not.  I felt shame and guilt as though I had done something wrong and God was punishing me by taking away my child, but I worked through those emotions and used my intellect to establish that it was just a natural process of life and that I in no way deserved to be childless.  

The further away I get from the church, the more I feel like me.  Independent, free-thinking, a sexual-being.  And I can be these things without guilt or shame.  I can be a good person by my own and humanity's (as a whole) standards by treating others and myself with love and respect and by embracing what my mind (not spirit) knows is true.  I miss, more than I can explain, the community of mormonism - friends, events, unity, a sense of belonging - but the price that they come at is too much for me to pay.  I'm part of a larger community that embraces diversity and culture, human expression, and boundless, unconditional, uncontrolled love.