Anyway, DH and I experienced infertility. I prayed, I fasted, we attended the temple regularly (which was over 2 hours away), I received blessings, I served in the church...and nothing happened. I saw doctors, took pills, did tests, exercised, lost weight, changed my diet, learned yoga to reduce the stress...and still nothing happened. Why did Heavenly Father not bless us with the posterity that is one of our purposes here in this life?
Then one day, my husband had a head trauma. It was very severe. He was no longer the same person, nor has he returned to that state, even after a priesthood blessing that was immediately administered to him promised that he would. I had always understood that the gospel claimed that we are here on this earth to inhabit bodies, to learn to control them, to choose the right, and then be glorified in the resurrection as perfected beings. My poor DH became violent, mean, paranoid, hallucinated, and even threatened his own life. As he continued to heal and the doctors (not the priesthood!) gave him the right medication to calm his brain so it could heal properly, it became clear that his personality was forever changed. So, which personality was the real spirit occupying my husband's body? Who would I be married to in the eternities? We went from having a wonderful, close, equal relationship to an imbalanced mess that has mostly been hampered by his inability to communicate maturely as well as his ongoing paranoia.
At first I figured that maybe it was just a test of our faith. But my prayers for comfort were met with silence. The scriptures gave me no solace, and instead raised questions. Why did the priesthood not heal my husband, especially when we had such faith? Why did it not work even after we prayed for more faith, if that is what was holding it back? Why would God not answer my prayers in such a desperate, lonely, painful time of need? My husband was our sole provider and we are so lucky that he was able to heal enough to return to work. There was no way at that time that I could support us, as I had no college degree and administrative work pays little.
After much agonizing prayer and fasting and asking God questions, it finally occurred to me that it might simply not be true. I prayed to God one last time, for something to hold on to, or I would remove my garments and after being met with silence, I left my faith. About a year later after a lot of acupuncture, we were finally blessed with a son. I was a full-blown apostate by then. Odd timing from God, don't you think?
DH's family has a history of a genetic mutation that causes an early form of mental dementia that usually starts around the age of 30. For obvious reasons, we decided that it would help our plans for the future if we knew if he held the gene mutation or not. I was pregnant when we confirmed that DH has this mutation. Due to his patriarchal blessing and faith, DH prayed and felt assured that it was God's will that his DNA be altered so the promises in the blessing could be fulfilled. I returned to church activity to support him and give God a second chance to show me that the church was true, promising that I would never again leave it if God would just heal DH so we could have more children and DH could continue to be a worthy priesthood holder and husband. After another priesthood blessing promised that DH was healed of this infirmity, we had another *expensive* genetic test done, which confirmed that DH still has the mutation. I assure you that DH has faith to move any mountains that God wants moved, and a pure love of God and desire to do good. Why would God not keep this priesthood blessing, either? Why not work the miracle to confirm that our faith was well-placed and strengthen us for the rest of our mortal journey?
Finally, I tried so hard to continue to maintain faith, in hopes that it would be enough to "pass the test". I studied more, prayed, sacrificed, and earnestly sought God out, with no response. As I read carefully, cross-referencing and trying to thoroughly and properly understand principles and doctrines, more doubts arose. I found more inconsistencies and issues that did not comfort me. I eventually had to stop studying the scriptures because they were raising so many questions and I would get no answers.
While trying to learn more about Jesus and his status as messiah, for example, in the New Testament of the Holy Bible, most of the scriptures that are references as pointing towards Jesus, or claiming that he fulfilled a prophecy are taken out of context or are a complete stretch of the imagination, if they are even there at all. The knowledge I had already learned about the origins of the Bible (when learning more about the Great Apostasy) had already given me reason to doubt it as an inspired work, due to all of the political machinations that went on during its assembly. I was also suspicious that the primary person we have recorded is Paul, rather than Peter or some other Apostle who had served directly with Jesus. The abundant references to devils as the cause of illness also raised some serious questions, like if it was a devil afflicting my health or just natural causes.
The Book of Mormon, touted to be the most correct book on Earth was no better. Why do the people always fall down with the spirit and are granted their salvation without baptism? Such instances do not fit with a God of order. The arguments of the anti-christs’ were very weak and the miracles of God were always portrayed more in the scriptures than they ever seemed to actually occur in real life. The scriptures’ stance regarding polygamy bounces all over the place (it’s okay! No, it’s not okay!), with the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants directly contradicting one another. Also, far too much of it seemed to be quoted from the Bible for my comfort.
My last straw was while sitting in the temple for an endowment session. I was struggling to remain faithful and had hopes that the temple would strengthen the presence of the spirit in my life and that the lord would bless me with faith to carry on. When Eve covenanted to Adam to be obedient, rather than to Heavenly Father, simply because she was the first to eat the fruit, I realized that the endowment did not support the Book of Mormon. In the Book of Mormon, it states that man will not be held accountable for Adam's transgression. The concept of original sin is not in Mormon belief, supposedly. There in the temple, however, I learned that original sin supposedly counted towards women. According to the teachings of the temple, I - as a woman - am not worthy to approach God directly, due to the transgression of Eve, and can only get to God through my husband going through Jesus. That sure is a lot of middle-men. No wonder I didn't ever feel like there was a personal Father who loved me and was guiding me!
By this point, I was in so much pain that I could not take it anymore. I was trying to be obedient, but the more I tried, the more doubts and questions arose, the more loud the silence from God seemed, and the more my self-esteem was suffering. It occurred to me that since I had tried everything to regain and support a testimony of the church, perhaps it was time to see if there was any factual support that the church is not true. I determined not to look at "anti-mormon" sources, but to simply see if there was anything out there that proved that Joseph Smith lied, because to my mind, that meant the church was a fraud.
Due to my scholastic enthusiasm, I had dipped my toes into apologetics for a while, and enjoyed the resources of the FAIR website, so I returned there to find answers to my questions and see if it could lead me to any good sources or issues to research my questions, which also included apparent contradictions between creationism (taught in the temple) and evolution/age of the Earth. The section on the Book of Abraham seemed rather convoluted and confusing, so I did a search to see what the fuss was all about. Lo and behold, I found that decades ago the Book of Abraham papyrus was found. It included the images of the facsimiles that were included in the scriptures, which Joseph Smith had included his translations for. Egyptologists had translated these documents and there was no doubt that they did not say what Joseph Smith said they did; it wasn’t even close. Additionally, I learned that there were some pretty serious anachronisms in the text itself from a historical and linguistic standpoint. The apologists’ responses were completely weak and riddled with logical fallacies. I finally had my answer and could rest assured that Joseph Smith had lied. I have learned many things since that have further confirmed the fraud of the church and convinced me that the men at the top that I had so respected must surely be aware of it.
Lastly, after my apostasy and earlier this year, I finally found the source of several health problems, and likely the cause of my infertility: Celiac Disease. Celiac disease is an autoimmune response to gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley. It can cause severe reactions in a person's body, and is indeed different for every person. Celiac disease is the most under diagnosed illness in our country today. It is estimated that 1 in 100 people has it, due to a random sampling of the population, and yet only a small percent of that has actually been diagnosed. The cure is simple: avoid gluten and the body heals and is fine. However, the word of wisdom tells us that wheat is the grain for man. If we obey the word of wisdom, we will be blessed. If I eat wheat, I run and am weary, and am not blessed. So, we have a contradictory commandment. Is this God's test for us? A small portion of the population has to disobey a commandment to have health? Why would God not at least tell me in one of those blessings I had received that if I avoid eating wheat I will be blessed with a healthy child? What is the point in having priesthood revelation if it is never used and is only contradictory?
The God I was taught about when I converted is nothing like the cruel monster I experienced in the church. I envisioned a father who loved me, wanted to have a relationship with me, and a partnership that would help me safely navigate this life. Instead, I experienced an emotionally abusive relationship with impossible demands, no grace, confusion, pain, feelings of abandonment, and no peace. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to do the right thing. I wanted to know God, to do His will and serve him. I sacrificed so much time, money, and family relationships to the church and then found out it was a fraud. I am much happier now as an athiest/agnostic because I do not have to believe that there is a cruel God out there playing with my life for his own amusement, much as a 6 year old boy pulls the legs one-by-one off of a bug. The horrible things my DH has endured, without cause, as well as the experiences that have left me so scarred and jaded are not God's work, nor are they his test. They are simply coincidence and we must do our best with what faces us. If it turns out later that there is a God, I would rather burn in Hell than live with him for the cruelty and pain he has already put me through. He is certainly not just, nor merciful, I testify to you of that with all the knowledge in my soul.
Furthermore, I can rejoice in living my life free to make my own choices and come to my own conclusions. If reality and science reveal knowledge to me, I can fully accept that knowledge for what it is. I can decide the morality of something for myself without fear that it isn’t what God would approve of. I have found that I am a different person outside of the shackles of the church. I am happier, more at peace, and my opinions on many things are my own. I love thinking for myself and making my own choices. I revel in learning new things and the words “I don’t know” don’t scare me as much as they used to.
One last thought for you, and I hope you think about this thoroughly. If there is a God testing us, preparing us for Godhood, why is obedience and faith in the face of all opposing evidence the number one priority for this life? If the glory of God is intelligence, wouldn't he want us to use our minds to see past the forgeries in this world? Perhaps the true test is to find him in the reality that we behold instead of behind the blindfold of faith.
Update March 2012:
DH has finally been diagnosed with the early-onset dementia that runs in his family, in spite of his healing blessing. The fact that he had faith in the blessing caused him to not plan with me for the future. He has not mentally prepared for the changes that have begun and are to come. He is now advanced enough that it is hard for him to understand the diagnosis and what it means. I am left to care for him while he rejects the limitations that are necessary to keep him and the rest of our family safe. The "Power of the Priesthood" left our situation worse than it would have been if he hadn't been "healed" and had actually had to come to terms with it years ago when we had the tests done. Living on faith is not good enough, and as his situation shows, it can be dangerous in the long-term. Instead of staying in the home with me and the kids, I am in the process of looking for a facility that can care for him. I've had enough and just can't do it anymore.
DH was a good man before his injury. Now he is simple, and sometimes unintentionally mean. He lost his parents when he was young. His career dreams were shattered when he unknowingly went to the wrong kind of college because he had no one to guide him, so his credits wouldn't transfer for a higher degree. He suffered that senseless head trauma, and now I, his wife, am on the verge of leaving him as he sinks into an early-onset dementia. This tragic life was led by a man who believed in God, had faith, and was kind. He paid tithing, and he served. Do you see the windows of heaven pouring out blessings? I sure don't.
Not being a member of the church wouldn't have stopped some of this stuff from happening, but it might have reduced some of the damage. It would have at least stopped that huge chasm in our marriage that can occur when two spouses have different beliefs. Perhaps he wouldn't have been so paranoid about me and would have yelled at me less. Perhaps we could have good memories of enjoying a glass of wine together on Valentine's Day. Perhaps our love life would have been more enjoyable without those hideous garments on his body. Without having to pay out so much to tithing we might have been able to take that trip to Europe together that we always dreamed of. Most of the time I don't think about the church or really care about it at all, but lately I am bitter at it - for his sake, and the life we should have had.
Our life together is a living testament that the church is not true. The so-called restored priesthood of God is a falsehood. The Plan of Happiness gave us the exact opposite. The idea of Heavenly Father is no comfort to me in these dark times. Instead, I find comfort in the love and support of friends and family, rejoice in science and have hopes that research will be developed enough by the time my sons are older that perhaps there will be a cure so I don't have to watch this happen to my sweet boys. I have found incredible strength and tenacity in myself, and look forward to my future. I just wish I had discovered all of this in time to save my husband.