HI everyone, 

I’ve been on the site for sometime, just looking around really I’ve decided to post my exit story I’ve excluded a few names but have left a few in. I don’t think it would be hard for the church to identify who I am to be honest I don’t really care if they do. This is a letter I sent to a friend who had also left the church it cost him his marriage and family for which I have the greatest respect for him living to his convictions.  

Dear …. 

I’ll explain my departure from the church. I apologise in advance if it goes on for a bit but it is a bit of a saga that went on for a months. I haven’t yet written it so here goes. 

 

 It all started on a youth night when we lived in HB I was in secondary school. We had done a candle making activity that night and to finish off we were playing a silly game of tag the others were playing football. This game of tag was a little different; instead of just tagging you would slap the person around the head. I decided to slap J*** (then a student in who was on Young Men’s) he chased me into the kitchen where he wrestled me to the ground overpowered me and without going into specific detail sexually abused me. I never told anyone about this for until my mission.  

I was serving in Limerick Ireland as a missionary we were really quite limited to our reading material as such I was reading the ensign there was an article on abuse by president Hinckley. Basically the idea of the article was about how people who have been abused are not to blame but are covered by the atonement and how they could be healed it also encouraged victims of abuse to inform there priesthood leaders who could help heal the wounds of abuse. 

 

Having read this article I felt prompted to tell my first mission president about what had happened to me. When I told him he asked me how I felt I said I was confused and not sure what I should do he told me that it would not do anything that “no good could come from this” and the best thing to do would be to “forget about it and move on with my life”. This was the first person I had ever told about it and to be fobbed off like this was devastating, but as such I tried to be an obedient missionary and follow the council to forget it and move on with my life.  

 During the later part of my mission I developed serious stomach symptoms coupled with extreme fatigue, needless to say this effected my being able to act an effective missionary. I spent a lot of time in the flat and at the doctors, I was amazed at the lack of compassion I received from other missionaries although looking back they were all a bunch of 19-21 year olds so I guess that is all I should have expected. I guess it came to a head on the mission when I was assigned to the second mission presidents golden boy he was told to work me and was especially hard and uncaring of me or my situation. In an interview with my mission president he confronted me saying I needed to repent I remember him saying “Do you think I want to be here Elder, I’ve just bought a new yacht and it’s sitting in my garage” I really didn’t see the comparison as I was genuinely ill. He then went on to ask me if I wanted to be senior companion. I answered that it was up to him to assign me that and that I would do it if he wanted me to. I was under the impression that assignments within the mission and church came through revelation/inspiration from the lord. Eventually after undergoing a number of invasive medical procedures I was sent home to receive medical attention I was not released but left in a state of limbo being a missionary keeping all the rules but at the same time being around all of my family and friends. I was eventually released as a missionary as my condition had not improved and it was clear I was not going back until it did.  

I returned home a few days before Christmas and as such was excited to see my family. I went for a meal to tgi Fridays with my mom and dad just so we could have a chat more than anything as the house was always so loud. During this meal the conversation moved onto the subject of child abuse my mom said that she was glad she was so over protective and felt blessed that it had never happened to any of her children especially as when we lived in the old ward it was not uncommon. I said well that’s not entirely true and went on to relate my experience to my parents. Both were extremely saddened and asked me what I wanted to do to which I replied I was not sure at the moment I just wanted to get better from my illness.  

During the few months I remained a missionary I attended the doctor on a regular basis, after a few visits he referred me to a counselling service for young people. I really didn’t feel I needed counselling just some pills or an operation. After some time with the counsellor we discussed a number of things including the abuse I came to the conclusion that I needed to report the abuse to the police as a way of gaining closure on the matter the logic was if I had done all I could then that was all I could do. A major factor was that if I found out that someone else had been abused at his hand that I would feel partially responsible for not reporting what he had done to me.  

In the meantime my dad had spoken informally to both SP1 and also Bishop; he didn’t want to push the church to do anything because it was ultimately my decision. I finally gathered the courage after sometime and went to the police it took sometime for me to make my statement about 4 visits over about 6 weeks, at the same time dad contacted Bishop  and SP2 to tell them they had been contacted Bishop asked dad for the investigating officers details to pass to the ‘helpline’. Dad had asked SP2 to take some action against the abuser i.e. being released as branch president but SP2 said his hands were tied. It wasn’t until my dad sent a fax to salt lake that the abuser was speedily released he was arrested and ultimately released without charge this was no surprise as both my councillor and also the investigating officer had informed me that too much time had passed and unless he confessed there was no way of getting a conviction and besides I had mainly gone to the police for the reasons stated above. 

 Soon after this had happened I was visited by Bishop he informed me that a disciplinary council had been arrange for J*** and that I was invited to come and give my account he said that if I didn’t attend that no action could be taken against J***. After some discussions with my father I agreed to attend before the council I attended a meeting with SP2, Bishop, Mom and Dad. The first part of the meeting consisted of us all talking together about the situation. Then I met with SP2 alone he explained how the council would be conducted that I would be invited to give account, that members of the high council would be permitted to ask me questions and that J*** would also be allowed to question me. SP2 then asked me to relate my account to him then. SP2 then went on to explain that ultimately he would have to make a decision on the matter he explained that he had met with J*** and that he like me had looked him in the eyes and denied anything like this had ever happened. SP2 went on to explain that on one side he had J*** a pillar of the community a righteous man and on the other he had me that I’d been wishy washy with the gospel. I explained to SP2 that I had no reason to lie, and that I felt his comment on me being wishy washy unfair I informed him that I had been on a mission while J*** had chosen not to, that J*** had been subject to prior disciplinary action in old ward as a student. SP2 said that he did not know where I had heard that as no such action had been taken ( It wasn’t until much later that I was told by PG then on the bishopric, that J*** had been told to change his behaviour in relation to his moral conduct whilst at university. He had decided not to follow council and disciplinary action was due to commence. That was until the bishopric had been told to drop it as then stake president had taken J*** under his wing and was dealing with the matter. This in the words of PG was ‘a joke’ old SP had only stepped in because of the position of J***’s father.) I then told SP2 that all of this was immaterial to the fact that he was the perpetrator of the abuse that took place all those years ago. In retrospect after that meeting I knew what the outcome of the disciplinary council would be.

So the evening of the council arrived I travelled with my parents, as we arrived we were ushered into a room where Bishop met us. After sometime I was called for Bishop asked if I wanted him to come with me I agreed, my dad also came in. As we entered the room the high council stood up we sat at the opposite end of the table to SP2. Area Authority Seventy (AAS) was also sitting at the head of the table. We sat down, SP2 introduced me and explained that AAS was in attendance in his role as an area authority and the ‘helpline’ to ensure that all the correct protocols would be followed. I was then asked to give account of what had happened. I related the experience of my abuse. After I was questioned by various members of the high council most of the questions were general and not of any significance except one posed by a high councilman he asked if having been on a mission and through the temple and attending the related interviews concerning personal worthiness didn’t I feel I should have told the relevant leaders of this? He obviously thought that I should have confessed to the sin of being abused (It wasn’t until sometime after I cam across the talk by Richard G. Scott at April 1992 general conference ‘Healing the tragic scars of abuse’. Obviously I must have been responsible for my abuse). I answered a few more questions before SP2 stepped in to announce that Elder AAS had something to present to the council.

 Elder AAS told the council that the police had not contacted either Mission President and had no intension of contacting them. Elder AAS then went on to explain that as I had claimed to have told my told my first mission president the church had dispatched a pair of it’s lawyers from Salt Lake to interview my mission president he then went on to read an email from the lawyer concerning the visit. I can’t remember it word for word but it basically said that my first mission president could not recall me confiding the abuse with him, but that his memory was not what it used to be and that there were many things he could not recall in his old age. The email portrayed my mission president as being an older man who’s memory was not what it used to be. My first mission president was actually quite young as mission presidents go he was in his 50’s was an institute teacher both prior and post to serving in Ireland. SP2 then hesitated and passed the passed the email to Elder AAS saying I think you should read this president. Elder AAS read the first part explaining that my second mission president had been contacted and had no recollection of me telling him about any abuse (I had never claimed this) Then Elder AAS paused and passed the email back to SP2 saying “No President I feel you should read this”. SP2 looked very uncomfortable as he began to read the email. The email went on to explain that I was a destructive force within the mission that I was a hamper to the work of the lord. That I did not get on with any other person within the mission that I had self diagnosed crones disease as an excuse to leave the mission. He also went on to explain that my family had paid a surprise visit to the mission and that my dad had told him to give me some discipline as I was a lazy son who needed to be taught how to work. Elder AAS then went on to say that the police had not contacted either M This was entirely untrue the trip was well planned and my dad had sought the permission of the mission president as I was to baptise my brother obviously a recommend would have been required and was issued by then bishop. I had never self diagnosed I had only ever told the mission president what the doctors had told me that it may be crones disease amongst other things when questioned. All of the comments seemed irrelevant to me as none of them seemed even to be related to my abuse and truly hurt even reducing me to tears. I can honestly say I felt I had served a good mission I tried to keep all the rules and worked hard. At that time I could not fathom why my second mission president would say anything like that about me especially when I had received an honourable release as well as being given a letter from him to SP1 that I could only describe as being contradictory to the email that had just been read. 

After the email had been read I voiced my concern that the email was inaccurate that I had a letter at home that President Brighton had sent to SP1 that contradicted what the email said. As SP1 was in attendance as J***’s Branch President SP2 asked if there was indeed a letter. SP1 denied it that there was any such letter and that if any letter existed it would be inline with the email that had just been read. Next My dad bought up the point that the police had contacted President Crowther, to which Elder AAS replied that they hadn’t (he had a clear smile on his face he knew what he had done). After this my dad bought up the fact that he had disclosed the abuse to SP1 sometime before. SP1 denied this saying that no such discussion had ever taken place and that he knew nothing of this abuse prior to the last few weeks. After some discussion and my dad relating where he had told him it was at his place of work as dad had bought a treadmill from him the veil of forgetfulness was lifted and did remember but insisted that he had not been given a name. Needless to say this was of no consequence.  

We were excused from the room as I entered the other room with Bishop and dad I remember just saying “what did I do to deserve that” !!! Bishop said he felt that it was uncalled for and that there was no place for that in the council that this was a first for him, dad agreed this discussion went on for a bit until SP Councillor came in to say we could stay but they would probably be sometime, that we could stay or go, we decided to go home Bishop stayed. I was emotionally drained as I drove home the discussion of what had happened continued I told my parents to not hold their breath I said I felt like Jesus on the lamb of God video that I used to share with people on my mission when they take him before the Pharisees and they spit on him I had been abused again but this time by the council. I remember asking who the council was for, me or J***. I felt as though it had been for me. My dad was still optimistic that the spirit would guide them to the truth. I realised that there had been a disciplinary council that night but not for J*** but for me and that I had been as good as excommunicated.

 The next day I arrived at my parents house to the news that J*** had been cleared of any wrongdoing in the eyes of the church. I was not surprised I thought if I heard that description of myself I probably wouldn’t believe it either. Soon after I arrived SP2 and Bishop pulled up they had come to officially tell us of the decision. We sat as SP2 explained that he didn’t think I was lying, that something had gone on just that it was not as I had described it. The main bulk of the discussion was directed at the email and AAS. What capacity was he there in he was clearly directing the meeting unfortunately SP2 did not know. When asked about the hesitancy in reading the email my mom said “maybe it was the spirit telling you not to read it”? SP2 answered “Yes it might have been”. Dad expressed his thoughts clearly that it was as good as a kangaroo court and that SP2 was a puppet with AAS pulling the strings. Needless to say SP2 didn’t take it that well and soon left saying I’m sorry you feel that way let’s draw a line under this and move on. I was of course reassured that the lord would sort everything out in the end. A few days later dad had a conversation with Elder Lund in which he said we don’t think D*** was lying. We just don’t know. 

Our initial thought were that if we got the email we could appeal to the first presidency with the email that they would read it see that it was a dreadful miscarriage of justice and put everything right. 

 Initially we sent a letter into the church asking for the email, no surprise here we never received any response. So we asked a solicitor to write in and ask for it we were informed that as SP2 had read it and was the leader we should ask him. So we did, as such our solicitor received a letter back from the churches solicitors explaining that SP2 did not know the whereabouts of the email but would deal with the matter in due course.  

A few months passed and still no response we were advised to instigate legal proceedings and as a result of these the email would be given to us in the form of preaction disclosure. So we commenced when word got back to Bishop he was obviously asked to put the feelers out to see what our intensions were I told him that all I wanted was the email and someone in authority to sit down read it to me and explain what it was doing in that disciplinary council and why it had to be read. Bishop seemed to think this was a reasonable request as he openly admitted that he was confused about its purpose in the council.  As the court hearing was set our solicitor was amazed at the resources the church was willing to throw at the case. Expert opinions were gathered from QC’s and a barrister was assigned travel up from London on the day. The day before the hearing our solicitor called us he explained that he had lodged the case in the wrong court and that it would more than likely be thrown out. We instructed him to make an offer to the churches solicitor that if the  

Situation would be dealt with internally then we would drop all legal action. The churches solicitor declined our offer informing us that we could either drop the matter completely with no conditions or it would go to court. We were also advised by our solicitor that if we didn’t go to court then we would have no further way to proceed legally. So we proceeded to go to court the case was thrown out and the church was awarded costs in the sum of around £4,000 against me. Somewhat dishearten and financially worse for wear I decided to call it a day, obviously we did not tell this to the church.   

A few weeks later I received a letter from the churches legal council asking if we would like to meet to discuss the situation. As such we met at our chapel present were myself Bishop and John Zackrisson General council from Frankfurt. We talked about the council and the email and it’s relevance within the council. He asked me what I wanted I explained that we wanted the email to appeal to the first presidency about the email, council, AAS etc. During the meeting Zackrisson raised a few points of interest. He suggested that the will of the lord may have been to take no action against J***. Also that all letters sent to the first presidency and quorum of the twelve in relation to matters of abuse are referred to him directly and that he makes a recommendation he was eager to point out that recommendations were always followed. I could see that Bishop was shocked that this was the way it worked. He made a comment that the first presidency would be informed of any letter but Zackrisson made a point of correcting him that the mail was redirected to him and they only received what he gave them with his recommendation. Zackrisson went on to ask me again what did I want? He then went on to say that the only reason people go to court is to get money. I disagreed I said the only reason I had instigated legal action was to gain access to the email. He then asked me if I wanted apologies as that would be all I could get from a court. I said yes if they were sincere. He said he would arrange for me to receive apologies. Bishop then tried give the situation a bit of spin, but it was clear that this was a clear cut deal that Zackrisson had the power to broker. It was clear that Zackrisson was the decision maker for the area, that the decision was clearly his. He also pointed out that it was him who had let it go to court despite our offer that the churches council had asked actually asked to go just for the fun of it. The meeting was then concluded it took some time for us to receive the apologies this considered with the expiration date in relation to a possible appeal made sense. 

It was clear when I received the apologies that they were not sincere, merely because if either had wished to apologise they could have done it anytime previously. And that Zackrisson had told me they would be in the post. I left the matter at that.  

Although I saw what had happened I still felt that I had a testimony I truly felt that if someone in authority was to hear the case they would see what had happened and put it right. I decided one week to attend church I only went for sacrament meeting I did this for 2 weeks on the third week Elder Holland was at church apparently he was on holiday. I left after sacrament as always and went to my parents they said I should go and speak to Elder Holland and explain the situation, I was extremely nervous I didn’t know Elder Holland but believed he was one of the lords apostles that he was the person in authority that I had sort. I entered the chapel and saw Bishop I asked for a word and explained that I would like to speak with Elder Holland if that was possible, Bishop had to make sure I still thought he was an apostle through a series of questions, kind of like a mini temple recommend interview. Bishop explained that Elder Holland had to perform some healings as his wife had told of his healing power during sacrament and there had been some requests. I sat outside and waited for about 45mins until I was called in Bishop had already explained to Elder Holland what had happened. Elder Holland asked me to relate my story, which I did he then went on to “apologise on behalf of the church for any wrongdoing that I had been subject to”. I felt that finally things would be dealt with. Elder Holland then explained that he was not in a position to involve himself in local affairs that they were left to the local leadership and that he would not be involved in any decisions that had been made. He then commented that I had carried this for to long, that this wasn’t my burden to carry and that I should put it behind me and get on with my life that the church needed me and that I should stop carrying this weight. He then offered me a blessing which I accepted, this blessing just echoed what he had told me about carrying a weight and that now I could carry on with my life leaving this burden. When he was finished he gave me a hug but couldn’t help to feel for my garments. It was blatant, maybe this was the key to the truthfulness of the statement if I was wearing my holy garb I was telling the truth if not I was lying. As I wasn’t wearing my garments I guess I couldn’t be telling the truth.  

As I left I sat in my car and pondered on what had just happened. So I had received my audience with someone in authority. What had it achieved? I learnt that a member of the quorum of the twelve doesn’t have the power over the decisions of leaders at a local level. That he could apologise for something on behave of the church but had no interest in investigating the problem or rectifying it. That in effect I had been told to drop it again, just like my first mission president but this time in a more friendly way after all this man was an apostle of the lord Jesus Christ. And the blessing confirmed what he had said, so this must be the will of the Lord. I knew that this was the end of the line; there were no more avenues to pursue. I soon came to the realisation that this was not the way a fair, loving and just God would treat one of his children who I had been taught knew me by name. I came to the conclusion that if living with God meant that I had to coexist with these types of men I would rather dwell somewhere else. So that’s basically the story of how i received a true testimony of the church.  J