I was born in the covenant to a Mormon family in Edmonton, Alberta. My ancestors joined the church in Wales during the late 1800s and immigrated to Canada shortly thereafter. I was a happy little boy; always active in the church. I was baptized at 8, made a deacon at 12, teacher at 14, priest at 16, elder at 18 and high priest at 36, serving in our bishopric.
The Joseph Smith story always seemed a little flimsy to me. I didn't make sense to me that God would give him a sacred record to translate but make it impossible for others to confirm the translation. The story of Moroni leading Joseph to the plates hidden in the Hill Cumorah and then taking them back before others could see them just didn't seem quite right to me. Many times, even as a youth, as I read the D&C I would say to myself, "If I was trying to get people to completely obey me, and they believed I was a conduit to God, and I was amoral or immoral, I would write just the things Joseph did in the D&C." It always seemed a little too favorable to Joseph. Polygamy also never made sense to me.
But the church was my heritage. I came from a good family and so I assumed whatever problems I was having would be sorted out in the end and the Lord would answer my questions. I assumed the church was true. In fact, it never really occurred to me that it could be a fraud. I always thought any wobbliness in my testimony was a result of my own weaknesses and lack of knowledge. Although I could never bring myself to bear testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet.
I started to realize my views on the church might be a little different from others when I was 12 and was asked by our bishop what I wanted more than anything else in the world. My answer: to be happy. That was clearly not the answer he was looking for, but to this day I don't know what he wanted to hear. Oh well.
I never liked being told what to do. Once people started discussing the fact that I would serve a mission (I was probably 9 or 10) I started pushing back and telling them I would not be going on a mission. At a very young age I decided it was always good to manage my mother's expectations. If she expected that I wasn't going and I later chose to go, it would be a pleasant surprise to her. If I decided not to go, that was the expectation all along.
In high school I dated a gorgeous red head. We were very much in love and decided to get married in the Alberta Temple shortly after graduation. The marriage was very high risk with an 18 year old bride and 18 year old groom. Given our very young age we decided to wait a bit before having children. However, reading pronouncements of the prophets (particularly Brigham Young) we felt too guilty to wait longer than a couple of months. Our first child was born in the covenant 11 months to the day after our wedding. We had 6 kids over the next 11 years. Fortunately, our marriage has been wonderful these 29 years since taking our wedding vows. I have, however, felt guilty almost my entire adult life for not serving a mission.
I always wanted to be a businessman. So I studied business at the University of Alberta. We had some remarkable Institute instructors who were very sincere and taught the church-correlated material with conviction. Four years after graduating from college we moved to Boston and I entered the MBA program at Harvard. Our ward was chock full of people with brilliant intellects (including Mitt Romney, several Harvard professors, students attending various schools at Harvard, scientists, and many highly successful businesspeople) who also had strong testimonies of the church. I concluded that if they were all are certain of the Church's truthfulness I could also accept it, too.
Life was extremely busy. With a large family, a very demanding career and my church callings (including a four year stint as Gospel Doctrine teacher, followed by several years in the bishopric) I never had time to actually study church history and doctrine outside of the church's officially sanctioned curriculum until I made time about a year ago.
Cracks began to form in my testimony about five years ago in reading about the Flood of Noah. I read a number of scientific analyses of the impossibility of the flood being real. I raised these in a conversation with our stake president who assured me that most religions all over the world have flood stories as part of their teachings so it had to be true. I let it drop and continued to try to manage a very busy life never considering the church could be a fraud.
More cracks began to develop over the next couple of years as I wondered why there was not a shred of physical evidence Book of Mormon peoples ever existed. If it were true I reasoned that archeologists would have to find something. I discussed this with my bishop who gave me a book about BOM geography written by a member of the church. I started reading it but it seemed like the author was extending meaning to archeological work that was not inconsistent with the BOM but, at the same time, did not prove anything. There was just no physical evidence. The guy was grasping at straws. So I ended up not investing much more time in his book.
About this time I began to question the purpose of faith itself. Why was it necessary to have faith? What eternal significance could possibly be attached to our willingness to believe the words of someone else? Why wouldn't God just communicate directly to us instead of through fallible humans? It just didn't make sense.
A year or so ago, one of my married daughters became extremely upset about the notion of having to live the law of polygamy in the celestial kingdom. It didn't seem right to her that God would have so little regard for women. In fact, she went so far as to say if polygamists are the only people in the celestial kingdom she doesn't want to go there and live among them. So, being a good father and considering myself to be an amateur gospel scholar, I set out to do enough research on polygamy and church history that I could explain it to my daughter and, hopefully, bring her some comfort.
All unique Mormon doctrines (First Vision, restoration of the priesthood, BOM, Pearl of Great Price, temple, polygamy, plurality of gods, etc.) are inter-related. It's not really possible to do a deep dive on one topic and not end up hitting many. As I peeled back the layers on polygamy it was like peeling an onion; the stink beneath one layer was stronger than the one before. I kept thinking that soon I would find something that would rationally support polygamy, but it never came. I had the same experience with the rest of the unique Mormon doctrines. The underbelly of the church was very ugly. The church had systematically suppressed and changed history and doctrine to suit the purposes of the leaders and it appeared like it might not be true.
These worries were eating me alive; I had to talk with someone about it. At first my wife was only willing to listen to faith promoting stories and facts but, as time went on she allowed me to share some of my real concerns with her. I read Grant Palmer's An Insider's View of Mormon Origins and B.H. Roberts' Studies of the Book of Mormon. Then the floodgates opened for me. I added close to 100 books to my personal library and read everything I could get my hands on. I spent time on the PostMormon.org, MormonThink.com, i4m.com (Rethinking Mormonism), Recovery From Mormonism, trialsofascention.net, Bob McCue's website and many others. My head was swimming because by now I had to decide if I could accept an alternative worldview if the church was, indeed, not true. But I had to know the truth and so kept reading every spare minute. I tried to make sure I kept my wits about me because I wanted so badly for it to be true.
While this was going on I was teaching church history to the 15 year old Sunday school class. I refused to teach things that I knew were not true, so ended up jumping around the manual quite a bit until I ran out of curriculum I believed true. After agonizing over what to do for weeks, I finally sent my bishop an email and asked to be released. He responded angrily and told me "You say that you are not the kind of person that ever has a burning in your bosom. It is not that you cannot, it is that you will not. If you stopped telling yourself you cannot and humbled yourself, you would be able to." In that same email he stated, "Mark, there is no law against stupidity. I just don't usually recommend it." This did not impact my decision to leave the church, but those remarks stung. My bishop and I had been close friends for 20 years and business partners for 10. We were both Harvard graduates and had been successful in our careers. He knew I was at least somewhat intelligent and had been a good businessman. His calling me stupid was like a punch to the gut.
In my business life I make decisions based on snippets of data that's available. There's never enough to make a perfect decision, but I am more frequently right than wrong so I have done well. I was finding myself applying this same methodology to assessing the truthfulness of the church. However, the cost of being wrong on my evaluation of the church was so high that this approach would not work. I had to be completely thorough.
My approach was to organize all the data and all my thoughts into one integrated whole, pressure-test it; then have my wife pressure test it. I ended up writing a 55 page mini-thesis, tested it on myself, my wife and a couple of very close friends (one a member and one never-Mormon). Once I completed my research and pressure-testing process, I was done. I felt the two most basic questions one should pose to the church are:
- Is it plausible or even possible that the BOM was an historic document about the ancient inhabitants of the New World?
- Is it plausible or even possible that Joseph Smith could be a conduit to God given that his behavior was completely out-of synch with principles of integrity, honesty and moral conduct?
My answer to both these questions was a resounding no.
In June 2009 I stopped attending church completely, as did my wife. I resigned from the church on August 16, 2009, our 29th wedding anniversary. Since leaving the church I have been happier than at just about any other time in my life. I am so grateful that my dear companion had the open-mindedness to be willing to hear me out
I had a chance recently to see if I had truly disinvested emotionally in the church. A couple of weeks after sending in my resignation I received a letter from my bishop stating that all blessings would be withdrawn, including temple sealings, and the priesthood would be withdrawn to me. I anticipated receiving this letter and feeling a little frightened that I had made the wrong decision. But no. I felt nothing. No fear; no guilt; no remorse. I was finally free!
The full healing/recovery process will take more time and I still have plenty of ground to cover but I am free and my family is in tact. I'm one of the luckiest guys in the world.
Appendix - Text of My Resignation Letter
Dear XXX (bishop),
This letter is to serve as my formal resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, effective immediately. I take this action in accordance with my right to freedom of religion as guaranteed by the United States Constitution. I hereby withdraw my consent to being treated as a member and I withdraw my consent to being subject to church rules, policies, beliefs and discipline. I would like my name permanently removed from the membership rolls of the church. After extensive research, prayer and careful consideration, my decision is firm. Please forward without delay the "Report of Administrative Action" to President XXX, as specified in the Church Handbook of Instructions, and notify me that it has been done.
Where required to list on the form "reason for leaving," please indicate "at member's request as he is not a believer." My records should show the only reason my name has been removed is that I requested it to be so, and that the word excommunication or any other derogatory word should not be used as there is no basis. I emphasize that my decision is not the result of sin, or taking offense, or any other stereotypical justification, but simply that the church is not what it claims to be. It is disturbing that the church doesn't follow its own teachings on honesty. After completing intensive research, I cannot belong to an organization that systematically deceives its members.
You have repeatedly counseled me that I need to have more faith. Specifically you have said:
"Faith is not logical, and cannot be determined by logic...The problem of faith will never be solved by looking at the fallibility of man...Faith is something completely separate and different. It will never be solved by logic at any level. That does not make it not legitimate." (email dated June 1, 2009)
"As a Bishop and as a Mission President, I have had the opportunity to talk to many, many less active members of the church or members who come just to support their spouse, but do not have a testimony of the gospel. Many of them have approached the problem as you described it in your e-mail. After setting a hypothesis and going after it based on a purely "evidence based" quest, they have concluded that ‘there is not enough tangible evidence to prove that the Gospel is true, therefore I conclude that it is not true.'" (email dated April 27, 2009) In this same email you also likened my thinking to Korihor's.
"You say that you are not the kind of person that ever has a burning in your bosom. It is not that you cannot, it is that you will not. If you stopped telling yourself you cannot and humbled yourself, you would be able to...Mark, there is no law against stupidity. I just don't usually recommend it." (email dated April 19, 2009)
I have pondered your comments and have done all I can to marry facts with faith. In matters of spirituality, I agree, faith has an important role to play - to trust that the gaps between church teachings and observable facts are matters the Lord will make known in his own due time. Faith should allow us to bridge gaps where no information exists. Faith, however, should not conflict with facts and reality. God gave us a brain and expects that we use it. Faith should be based at best on a consistency of facts, but faith should not contradict observable and thematically consistent facts. The economy of God cannot work that way. The fundamental issue is not the absence of information; it is the conflict of information between fact and the church's teachings. There is overwhelming, thematically consistent evidence from multiple sources that the church is not true. I do not fall into the camp of the people you describe in your second quote, above. The primary reasons I am no longer a believer are 1) it is not plausible that the Book of Mormon is an historical account; and 2) it is not plausible that Joseph Smith's conduct could qualify him as a conduit to God. As Gordon B. Hinckley has stated, "Each of us has to face the matter - either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground. It is the Church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing." A summary of some of the most important specific issues (there are many others in addition to these) follows:
- Book of Mormon. Extensive anachronisms, complete absence of archaeological evidence that Book of Mormon peoples ever existed, impossible language evolution patterns, fantastic claims of military activity, lack of Hebrew markers in the DNA of native peoples of the New World, Martin Harris' public testimony that the 3 and 8 witnesses to the Book of Mormon saw the plates only with their "spiritual eyes" (i.e., it was a purely metaphysical experience), the 11 witnesses were not independent - most believed they stood to gain by the publication of the Book of Mormon and so had strong incentive to comply with Joseph's demands that they sign his pre-prepared affidavit, strong similarity with Ethan Smith's A View of the Hebrews, plagiarism from the Bible, extensive examples of 1820s cultural milieu, and Joseph Smith's celebrated track record of dishonesty paint a very compelling picture that the Book of Mormon is a piece of 19th Century fiction written by a creative genius, not an historical document.
- Polygamy. As the father of 5 daughters, the doctrine of plurality of wives is personal to me. I am convinced that the practices of polygamy and polyandry are evil and demeaning to women and came about solely to justify Joseph Smith's committing of adultery. There are at least 33 well-documented cases of him taking plural wives. 11 of these women were married to other men and continued to live with their husbands while engaging in dalliances with Joseph Smith. Many of his plural wives were teenagers, some as young as 14 in the case of Helen Mar Kimball. Polygamy relegates women to the role of common property and has imposed enormous cost and suffering on innocent women and children. It is impossible for me to believe that God considers women inferior to men. It is clear that D&C 132 has not been repealed and plurality of wives continues to be fundamental doctrine of the church (notwithstanding President Hinckley's denials to Time). There are many statements by the church's prophets, seers and revelators that conclusively support this statement.
- Book of Abraham. The papyrus Joseph Smith used to "translate" the Book of Abraham has been shown to be only common Egyptian funeral documents. Indeed, Joseph Smith's "Egyptian alphabet" has been proven to be nothing more than gibberish. LDS church leadership has been well aware of these facts for many years and yet they continue to deceive the members by claiming it to be of divine origin.
- Lying For The Lord. The church's practice of theocratic ethics (the concept of independence of church ethics and traditional ethics of honesty and integrity), initiated by Joseph Smith, is alive and well today. The church espouses a "faithful history" policy articulated by Elders Packer, Oaks and Nelson. President Hinckley's misrepresentations to Time regarding the doctrines of plurality of Gods and polygamy are evidence that "lying for the Lord" is still accepted practice. I find the fact that leadership continues to misrepresent the historical difficulties and doctrines of the church appalling.
- Retroactively Altered Revelations. The church has made extensive retroactive changes to revelations to meet the needs of leaders over the years. This practice was particularly pungent during the church's early years, but continues to our current day. A recent example is the change to the introduction to the Book of Mormon. A more fundamental example is the multiple conflicting versions of the First Vision.
- Management by Guilt and Fear. The practice of the church controlling members through guilt and fear is not healthy and I believe not consistent with the gospel of Jesus Christ. In addition, since I do not believe priesthood leaders legitimately speak for God, I believe blind obedience to them is harmful and something I do not want for myself or my family.
I have given this matter considerable thought. I understand what you consider the seriousness and the consequences of my actions. I am aware that the church handbook says that my resignation "cancels the effects of baptism and confirmation, withdraws the priesthood held by a male member and revokes temple blessings." Since I no longer believe the church to be true, I do not believe any of these consequences will have eternal implications. I also understand that I will be "readmitted to the church by baptism only after a thorough interview."
I expect this matter to be handled promptly, with respect and with full confidentiality. I had no doubts about the sensitivity with which you would personally treat this until I learned that you discussed my situation with Stan XXX, who then brought it up with my brother. It is inevitable that my resignation will become known at some time to members. Fortunately I had spoken with my brother before Stan did. All too often in the church departing people are demonized. I would like to be clear that I will take legal action against the church corporately and any complicit or offending individuals if anything is done to tarnish my good name or that of my family's, or if members of the church are given the impression that I left because of sin or for any reason other than I no longer believe. I will not tolerate innuendo or representations that may harm my family's reputation, family relationships or business interests.
My resignation should be processed immediately, without any waiting periods. My decision is final.
I would like to emphasize that I have no quarrel with any local authorities of the church. In particular, I value and appreciate the friendship and business association you and I shared over 20 years. I appreciate the support my family and I have received from you, Bruce XXX, Larry XXX and many others over time. My problem is with the institution of the church and its systematic and pervasive practices of prevarication, dishonesty and abuse of power.