My Journey Out

 

In January of 2007, I was channel surfing and stopped on a Utah cable show, Heart of the Matter.  The host was interviewing Utah Lighthouse Ministry co-founder, Sandra Tanner.  I heard things about the Mormon church that I was unaware of.  At first, I thought what was said about JS and church history had to be wrong and that these were just Mormon church hating apostates.  However, my curiosity was peaked.

 

Some of the things talked about on the show reminded me of comments a co-worker made at lunch several years before.  At that time, I had been inactive from church for many years, yet passively still believed the church was true.  I dismissed my co-worker's comments as crazy.

 

Sandra Tanner and my co-worker had to be wrong, I thought.  Yet I was disturbed enough to start investigating their claims that the church, its history, and teachings weren't true.

 

"An Insider's View of Mormon Origins" by Grant H. Palmer was the first book I read.  That book was followed by many others.  The more I read, the more I was convinced that Mormonism wasn't what it claimed to be.  That Joseph Smith and his successors were not prophets.  That the Book of Mormon was fiction.

 

Many doubts and questions I secretly harbored about the church, yet kept telling myself would be answered in God's time, were made clear to me during my studies.  Things made sense to me now.  I didn't have to pretend I was receiving answers to prayers or divine priesthood inspiration, when I knew I was not receiving anything.  I didn't have to attend church, accept church callings, stand and recite a testimony I knew wasn't gained through any witness by a "Holy Ghost".  I didn't have to behave or speak or conform to expected Mormon standards just to fit in and be accepted.  Church peer pressure would not cause me anymore anguish or self-loathing because I knew I was a fraud.  I didn't have to hide non-mormon behavior and fear being seen or found out.  My true self was rescued and I felt free.

 

My journey, unknown to me, out of Mormonism had started years before.  And my final journey to resignation would take over two years more.  But that January evening, in 2007, was when my journey to personal freedom and happiness truly began.