I became inactive for a superficial reason. It was 2004 and I was in the 3rd ward in my area. The boundary lines were re-drawn so that more active priesthood holders would be in the 2nd ward (namely, my dad and another Brother- both of whom they wanted for the new 2nd ward bishopric). This was shortly before my 24th birthday. I was married, "on my own", and had 2 young boys. All of the "cool, young" moms were in the 3rd ward and I didn't really enjoy going to church in the 2nd ward. The building wasn't as nice and the majority of the attendees was older (and had known me since my childhood).

 

As I reflect now, this was when my inactivity began, but my exit story really began years earlier. Pseudonyms will be used to protect individuals regardless of innocence. If you decide to read further, please be forewarned that I will be bluntly discussing my views on marriage, sexuality, boundaries, and, in the end, religion.

 

I was born and raised in the church. I was a fairly standard good girl, with one exception. I was raised with the knowledge that sex was good and fun (gasp!). This ended up being one of my disagreements with the rules provided by the church. I lost my virginity at age 16. I say "lost", but that is really just a phrase. It was not lost and I did nothing unwillingly. In fact, if you interviewed the boys I dated, you would find that I was an instigator on most things. It seemed like a natural progression (because it was) and I was not upset by it.

 

Contrary, I was mature and responsible enough to locate, contact, and set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood to put myself on birth control. My first serious boyfriend was not well liked by my parents because he was not a member, but they did their best to not speak badly of him and offered to drive us to events, etc. I still maintain the position that I have not lied to my parents, but I do require that they ask the right questions (rather than offering up the info). When my father asked if I was sexually active, I replied yes and explained how I'd put myself on birth control. He simply said that he was disappointed, but glad that I told the truth and doubly glad that I was using protection (we used condoms as well- I was really cautious!). When the time came for the youth temple trip, I admitted things to the Bishop and survived being put on probation. That was an interesting situation as I was ward chorister at the time and had to go through the motion of declining the sacrament each week for about 6 months. What I found, and still find, curious is that I never felt guilty for having sex. I didn't like that people were disappointed in me, but I never felt guilty. I was a B student and completed a full year of college during my senior year of high school as an early enrollment student. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I had completed my education.

 

I met my (future ex-) husband at an Institute event, (pseudonym) Mike. He was romantic, flirty, and we had fun talking with each other that evening instead of listening to whoever was boring us with his talk. He was stationed in my hometown for military training. In standard Mormon fashion, we announced our engagement after two weeks. We spent our four month long engagement doing lots of talking. We dug a few of our "skeletons" out and made sure that neither of us was bothered by them. I revealed that I wasn't a virgin and he said that he only was in the most technical sense (which is something we debated for a while after we were married). Is oral sex considered sex? Wait, didn't the whole country debate this a while back?!? I digress. The point was that he had received and given oral sex, but didn't not consider it sex. I wasn't bothered by it, so that subject didn't come up again until much later. The topic that was much more interesting was that my newly TBM fiancé said that he used to have a side job of exotic dancing. I found this more intriguing, than upsetting. I looked forward to exploring our sexual sides and thought that we would both be on the same page.

 

One month before my 19th birthday, we wed in the Orlando temple. My dad paid to "catch up my mom's tithe for the year" so that she could attend. It was an interesting experience, in that I had no idea what to expect. I thought the video was weird and I was so worried that I would forget my secret special name. Two weeks into my marriage, Mike said that he wanted to take a side job driving and guarding some local female escorts. I said (and truly thought) that it was fine. It was during this time that I found some porn websites in our computer's history. I remember thinking that I should have been upset, but I was more curious.

 

Five months later, we moved with Mike's job in the military. We were an 18 hour drive away. It was my first time really living away from home (an apartment 10 mins away doesn't count). We got set up with his command and with the local LDS ward. It was a half military/ half locals ward. There were babies abounding! Since I always wanted children, it was easy to make the decision to start our family sooner rather than later. At least, I can say, each of my children was planned. I fully believe that birth control, like so many other things, is a personal decision. My first was born in 2001. I relished my time when he was young. We never had much money, but ends were meeting and I was able to stay home with my baby. I held a few callings during that time, mostly in Primary. I was always much more organized and ready to follow the rules of the position than some others. My strict adherence to the rules probably bugged those that worked with me. Mike held some callings, such as Scout Leader, but he always seemed to have problems. He had problems with the leaders' rules, the parents' non-participation, getting up on Sunday, etc. I also noticed that he began to have problems at work. All of this was indicative of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which he was later diagnosed for. During this time, he also claimed to have more and more "visions" about how things were going to be when "war comes to U.S. soil". He would tell me things that he "saw" about my Primary studies. He told me a "vision" about our son in where, at 15 years old, he killed a man in a fight protecting someone else. He began forming friendships with people that he said he would gather in the end to help with his cause. In short, he believed the world had the problems, not him. Turns out, it was him. I learned how to handle his moods and grew good at knowing when they were coming. Considering that I fully believed him in the beginning, it took a while for me to come out of the "all his visions are true" stage.

 

During our time there, he also became involved in advertising himself as a masseuse and/or exotic dancer. This continued wherever we went. I eventually moved back to my hometown when he was stationed overseas. He caused a bit of trouble there and wrote a "semi-suicidal" only for attention e-mail that he sent to me and most of his family. His brother called his command and had them drag him out of bed at 1 am to talk to a counselor. It was here that he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was released from the military on a medical discharge. He came back to where we were living at the time. I became pregnant with our second child. He attempted a few jobs over the next couple of years. He also went back to his escort job. Interestingly enough, his escort job never really brought anything home other than a few trinkets from Wal-Mart.

 

One of his long time friends (pseudonym Brian) was in a different branch of the military and was stationed about a 45 min. drive away. Mike and Brian had known each other for about 10 years at this point. Brian came over every weekend, usually sleeping on our couch to avoid the drive back and forth. We got to know each other well and considered ourselves good friends. In January 2005, Mike began getting more and more calls for his escort job, usually on the weekend. If we had something planned, he would offhandedly say, "Just take Brian." I usually did.

 

I was not completely satisfied with our sexual relationship. Mike did not like to initiate and claimed that he needed me to initiate so that he would be "attractive and loved". I responded that I needed the same thing. Our sex life, or lack thereof, was usually blamed on having children, that it must have taken my libido and hidden it somewhere (got a flashlight? We'll go look.). Mike changed his mind on oral sex, saying that it should be considered in the definition of "sex". Fine. I became blunter in saying that I wanted intercourse. Period. He said that it put too much pressure on him. Eventually, I stopped trying.

 

In March 05, Mike and I discussed opening our marriage to occasional swinging. Shortly thereafter, we participated in a swap weekend that included me, Mike, Brian, and one other female friend. The four of us were all friends at the time. Three of us are still friends now. On Sunday, Mike came to me and said that what we did was wrong. He ranted about how we (Brian and I) were sinners and that I never should have "convinced" him to trying swinging with me. I spent the next month confused. I did not believe that I had done anything wrong. My relationship with Brian was done with the full knowledge and consent of my current partner, Mike. I was having problems reconciling my beliefs of right and wrong with the situation that I found myself in. I kept thinking that if my marriage didn't work, then what about Mike's visions? (I was still in partial belief mode) And if his visions were false, then what did that say about the church? It was a downhill spiral. I kept coming back to my belief that I hadn't done anything wrong.

 

Mike met with the Bishop to tell him what happened and told me that I should meet with the Bishop too since he had already told the Bishop what I did. On the following Wednesday, I met with the Bishop. I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I think the Bishop mistook that for guilt. Mike and I set an appointment to start therapy with a Mormon counselor. The following weekend, I remember laying in bed one night trying to remember why I loved about my husband. I rolled over next to him with the intent of initiating some foreplay. He turned his back on me. I left the room and went into the living room. Since it was the weekend, Brian was sleeping on the couch. I pulled out a scrapbook that I kept all of the poetry that Mike gave to me. I flipped through it trying to see what I seemed to be missing. I went back to our room only to find that the door was locked. A fight between all of us ensued. Mike and Brian talked into the night. I slept on the couch, Mike in our bed, and Brian on the floor next to me. Before Mike left for work that morning, he left me a note. In it, he said that Brian was no longer a friend and demanded that he leave. Mike gave me the following choices: 1) Separation; 2) Divorce; 3) A return to my wifely duties.

 

Mike must not have remembered how stubborn I can be. I did not take well to the note. I attended one therapy session with Mike. He was told to pray for a softening of my heart. One afternoon, we were talking and I confessed to everything I could think of that I had done wrong. "I should have written you more while you were stationed away. I should have sent more packages. I should have helped you get into therapy a few years ago. I should have finished school. I should be working to help with finances now." Mike only responded with "Yes, you should have." That was the final straw. Anyone who could not take the responsibility for their own actions is not the kind of person I wanted to be with. I believe that was the real reason behind our divorce.

 

I don't think that Mike ever wanted to understand that. Mike then began to "trash talk" Brian. Mike made sure that anyone he talked to- our friends, family, people he randomly met- knew that Brian had being having an affair with me for years and had stolen his wife. In this way, Mike could absolve any guilt that he may have felt for not taking responsibility for his own actions. Mike's family, who had once accept Brian as a part of their family, refused to ask Brian his side of the story and has not spoken to him since. Mike threatened to call Brian's command if Brian ever came back to our house. Brian has never forgiven him for this. At the second therapy session, I told the therapist that I was leaving Mike and that he (the therapist) needed to help Mike with that. Mike moved out in April 05 and stayed with friends for a couple of months. He was excommunicated from the church. No-not for the "affair", but for his more-than-exotic dancing. It turned out that he had been disfellowshiped prior to our marriage for being with a man (but only in the oral sense, which may or may not count....) and he confessed to the Bishop that he had been doing that again. But, it wasn't that bad, cause it was "only for the money". I will be the first person to stand up and say that being gay or bi does not make you a slut. He was prostituting himself out for money to shop at Wal-Mart (since he was always there!). Well, at least I could now put some of the "you have no sex drive since you had kids" stuff behind me. It was liberating to realize that I was not the cause of his weird sexual habits. As life went on, I discovered even more things that would make me wonder who Mike had really been.

 

In June 05, he called Child Protective Services and made a complaint that forced them to investigate our home. (I didn't know that he reported me until later). Then he said that he was moving back into our house, that I was his wife, and that I couldn't stop him. This was when I went to an attorney to start the divorce process. The first week of July, I volunteered to drive Brian to the airport to catch a flight home to visit his family. Mike had not come home yet that evening and Brian's flight was early. We needed to be at the airport at 4 am. Brian came over and we stayed up watching Friends episodes on DVD. After midnight, Mike came home and was upset that Brian was there. He called the cops and said that there was someone in his house that wouldn't leave. Then he called his dad, who said that he needed to get his wife in order. Then he called my dad, who said that he wasn't going to get involved. When the cops showed up, they asked me two questions. Is your name on the deed to the house? Yes. Do you want this visitor here? Yes. They told Mike that there was nothing they could do. Brian stepped outside with them and briefly explained the situation. I told Brian that I refused to leave my kids sleeping in the same house with Mike, so we took the kids and drove to my sister's house. Then I drove Brian to the airport.

When we arrived back at our house the following day, Mike acted like nothing had happened. I had surgery to remove my tonsils during the second week of July. My mother stayed with me to help with the kids. The end of that week, I was still in bed full time (if you've had a tonsillectomy as an adult, you'd understand), but Mike insisted that we go to the bank and transfer the car into my name. We did. Mike left for a Renaissance Event that weekend and never came back. He signed the divorce papers on the way out of town. The attorney said that he cried when he signed them, saying that he loved me so much that he wanted me to be happy. My attorney wanted to make sure that she told me that before I signed them. I realized that he had convinced her so I didn't argue (but still seethe a little bit inside to think of it), but signed the papers and left. After Mike left, I went through some of the boxes of stuff he left behind. In one box, I found one of his journals from the time he had spent stationed overseas. In it, he described in detail, the day he first met Brian. Mike described what color shirt Brian was wearing, the book he was reading, the room he was in, and the way the light shone off his blue eyes. I've come to believe that Mike loved Brian more than he ever loved me and that it was that relationship that he was upset over "losing". I don't have any inclination to ask him if this is true.

 

Brian resumed his weekend visits. He sat at the dinner table with us (Mike never did; he always ate on the couch or at the computer). Six months later, Brian and I decided to date. We had many discussions about our beliefs, especially since mine were evolving so much during this time. I learned the difference between Christian beliefs and Mormon theology. Brian was raised LDS, but hadn't ever really believed it like I had. He explored his own beliefs at this time.

It was at this time that Brian mentioned his theory on polyamoury, although we didn't have that word to know what to call it. His theory was simply that women need other women to connect to in a way that men can't connect to them. We debated the extent of those relationships, as it is something that John Gray also mentions in his Mars/Venus books. As Gray describes it, women need to talk to connect with their feminine side and relax. Once we stumbled upon the word "polyamoury", our world opened up as it turns out that we were not the only people discussing this. From then on, we have discussed over and over again the rules of our relationship and our opinions of why we have the rules we do. We listen to the PolyWeekly podcast and discuss the things we hear there. We have changed and adjusted a bit, but we have grown closer together too.

 

My change of testimony, as I call it (since I don't believe I ever "lost" mine), came from not believing that the standard LDS morals were the only morals available. I firmly believe that I could be a good person and (insert various thing here- drink coffee, have sex, smoke, live together before marriage, love more than one person). I have a testimony of integrity. I believe that you must first be honest with yourself. I have a testimony of moderation. I believe that we should make the most of the bodies that we have and that moderation is key in most things. I have a testimony of the power of (prayer, meditation, chanting, and spell work). I believe that focusing your energy on something can bring about change.

 

Mostly, I believe that marriage and children should be saved until people have had a chance to grow into adults and explore their own beliefs and traditions. Although young, my children have been affected by all of this. My goal is to make sure that they can think and decide their lives for themselves. Just as my parents taught me to do. I would not be who I am today without it.