Hello I am new here and wanted to leave my story . I posted one on exmormon.org and thought I would paraphrase it because it is sooo what I feel I hope that is alright

 I am a return missionary , mother of six , married to a return missionary and I have come through the looking glass and have begun to free myself of the cult of mormonism .

 I grew up in a liberal California non LDS house even though my parents joined when I was 6 they were never really active. At 19 I decided that when I turned 21 I wanted to go on a mission . I went through the temple at 19 and then waited spending all my free time tracting with the sister missionaries until I turned 21 and could go . I enjoyed my mission and I was little miss OBEDIENT!!!! Oh I get annoyed with myself when I realize how fanatical I was. So mental!!

 After my mission I moved to Utah (of course it is Zion right?)and got married to the best man I have ever known . He really balanced me as he grew up in the original mormon taliban house and his mother I am sure is a female version of Osama . He was so moderate , got doughnuts on sunday with mountain dew and spent no time preparing for the end. I however felt like we were always failing because I just couldn't conform to my missionary like state and be a fanatic. I realized how insane it was .

   I spent the first 12 years of marriage waiting for God to strike me for our lack of zeal. Or as my sister in law would say my evil ways ( she is a WACK JOB) It never came. We have been very blessed , I mean we have the hardships all mortality brings sometimes big ones but no zaps from God for my diet coke intake. My husband refused to pay tithing until we had a life established and yet he still had no problem going to church . I however went less and less to hide my shame from God for not being faithful. There is so much to say about the insane things I experienced in Cache county. I found so many people in my husband's family proud that they did nothing for their kids as it was WORLDY, proud that they were ignorant as to the things that were going on in the world, fear that people had of the end to the point that they don't live . I was treated like the oddest thing because I would not hide my big gulp like it was a crack pipe.I wont even tell you the hell I went through because I love Christmas . There are so many good people there but there are enough nut jobs that I was so glad to leave. After leaving I began to shed that mold.

  I was so happy being mom as I was an only child I loved having our big crazy family. I noticed that the more time I spent doing for them I could not and WOULD NOT give time to help run the church machine. I would not budge that my first job was to them not the LDS machine! Upon moving again we did not let the church know where we were nor family . It is bliss! no shame , fear mongering , nasty mormon women who have to level you in order to feel happy and close to God. I started to see that we have been "highly favored" so to speak even tough we did not attend . I got tired of the shame and guilt  ...I began to read exmormon sites non stop and it changed my life .

I could not believe how filtered the church history is .I was floored about the book of abraham story , Temple being a fraud, journal of discourses teaching were a shock from start to finish ...oh and the list goes on and on . What I really spent alot of time thinking about was that why God's temple did not have a shelter, or a soup kitchen attached?? they do not have ONE rehab center or woman's shelter. They do not have one Orphanage in Africa. they have million dollar temples though....but no help for orphans?? giving hygiene kits do not count !

  I now realize that I know so little , I was not part of something that has all the answers and knows more truth than others.I realize now that I spent so much time feeling guilty for not living the way their God said I should that I did not spend my time thanking God for all he had given me and I just sat in this false shame I thought came from my lack of devotion. I saw that the church takes God out of almost everything and puts these regular men in charge and it is as if God can do nothing without these mortal men nothing happens except through the "priesthood" God does nothing in and of Himself. I began to read Thomas Paine and have adopted the view of his quote " THE WORLD IS MY COUNTRY , ALL MANKIND ARE MY BRETHREN, AND TO DO GOOD IS MY RELIGION" I read everything and shared it with my sweet hubby who all these years was "righteous" if there is such a thing . He has never not worked his tail off for his family , never has smacked his children , or even yelled at me but he was never considered good because he drank mountain dew and did not sing his Jesus songs the way they liked him to . All of his TBM brothers have wives who medicate to stand being married to them . We now have decided that if God came tomorrow he would not be found sitting in a white chair with gold-leaf paint inside a temple doing strange masonic handshakes, that instead he would be in a homeless shelter , on a street-corner, in Africa with the AIDS orphans, home of the elderly , crack-house etc, That has become our "church" now to try to help others instead of being indoctrinated with the thoughts of another mortal  . I will never sit again in a chapel and have ANY mortal tell me what God says . If I want to know I will ask him myself!

Nikkie