My Journey:

I come from a very LDS family, on both sides I am seventh generation LDS, my grandparents are LDS, my Aunts and Uncles are LDS, my cousins are LDS, and most of my siblings are LDS.  My ancestors on both sides crossed the plains, left family behind and suffered much for their new chosen religion. Growing up I heard stories of them, especially my namesake, AnneMarie. Growing up I wanted to have the faith they did and I wanted to be just like them.

When I was little, the church was my everything.  There were abuse issues in my early years and the only reason I even had a desire to overcome was because I knew I had a heavenly father who cared. I had heavenly parents who loved me and were there for me if I needed them. That's how I grew up, I could not depend on my earthly parents, but who needs them when you've got God at your back?

As I said my earthly parents were not much support for me growing up, for me or my little sisters. I became the mother figure when I was about seven, and still am. They come to me for curfews, homework help, dinner, punishment, and everything. I am very much their mother.  Because of this I raised them the way I knew. When things got bad at home I taught them to pray, to love God, to depend on his help, to fast, to read scriptures, and to strive to live with our heavenly parents again. For years it was just the four of us every morning reading scriptures together and praying.  We were our own family unit within the family, each just trying to flourish in a less than desirable situation. They followed the examples I had set for them, and to this day they are highly devoted and for the most part very well adjusted little girls.

 
When I was in ninth grade the same sort of abuse problems popped back up. I was scared, I was hurting, and I was lost.  I turned to God. It is because of God that I am still alive today. I came very close to killing myself on a few occasions. I saw nothing of value in myself and had been hurt time and time again. I could not do it anymore. Yet, do it I did. I still had little girls to raise, and a house to take care of.  That year for me is what I would call my year of the living dead. I was as alive as I could be considering I was dead. I was hurting, depressed, suicidal, and switching between extremely devout and knowing I simply could not believe it anymore.

It was during this time my faith in religion started to be questioned. I had joined an online forum, and on that forum that had a specific hangout for LDS teens called "The Army of Helaman" I found friends there and I found support there.  I decided that I could do this.
I also wandered around the rest of the forum, mostly into "Extended Discussion" where I learned a lot about different issues and different sides of them. My most favorite area was "Morality and Religion" I learned a lot there about all sorts of different religions and it fascinated me. Eventually I found a thread titled "FAQ about Mormonism" I figured, Hey! I'm Mormon! I know stuff! So I started reading. That was the beginning of the end.  On this thread I met a guy named Bryan, at the time he was engaged to an LDS girl and was planning on lying through the interviews and whatnot to get a recommend to marry her in the temple, because he was technically inactive at the time. My first "well thought out reply" was "You can't do that! Our temples are sacred and it will never work. Just watch, the truth will prevail" yeah, not my most convincing argument. He replied with something like "F*** off child, come back when you're all grown up and can debate with the big kids." I was upset.

I stopped replying to the thread but kept reading. For months I read, and read and learned. I didn't believe much I read but learned a lot nonetheless. Eventually Bryan made a claim that I really wanted his source for. I got brave and sent him a Private Message online. Much to my shock and amazement he was actually nice and kind and willing to help. I almost died of the shock because in public he can be somewhat hostile to just about everyone. Regardless, I started talking with him on a regular basis and he challenged me to do my homework. Learn for myself.  At this point in time I was in my first year of seminary and I had a fabulous teacher who encouraged me to do the same thing. "Learn for yourself" So I did. I read everything I could get my hands on. I paid attention in seminary; I paid attention to the things Bryan had to say. I devoured all of it.
This was a highly painful time for me personally. The belief system I had based my life on, and the lives of my sisters on was crumbling beneath me. It hurt. I wanted more than anything to know it was true. I wanted all the problems to go away and I wanted to live as I had been. Yet I couldn't. I could not deny what I had learned and for me, knowledge is power, truth is important so I kept learning.

By the end of my ninth grade year I was more confused than ever. I have always been somewhat of a person to not cause contention. I wanted my teacher and leaders to be proud of me, but I wanted Bryan to be proud also. So I did what I had to do. Emotionally and mentally that was not the smartest choice. I threw myself back and forth from one extreme to the other. I was hurt and upset, I felt lied to by the church, I was angry with it and I wanted to be free from it. Yet sometimes I found peace there and hope for a better future.

It was mostly in that next year that I really came to my conclusions.  I studied, and learned and decided that I could not believe anymore. I think my employment also helped me come to this conclusion because at work I was surrounded by people who came from all sorts of different backgrounds and religions and we all accepted each other for who we were, and it didn't matter what religion, or ethnicity you were. We were just friends. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by a really diverse group.

While employed there, the same abuse popped back up into my life; a constant in my ever changing world. For the first time however I tried to deal with it without relying so much on a heavenly figure.  I did smart things like actually talking to people about it and eventually (although too late) developed a desire to turn the person in to the cops. I realize that I am still affected by those events in my life but I am finally learning to deal with them on a personal level and I am learning that it is acceptable to talk and hurt and want to hide from the world. I never allowed myself any of that before. 

That summer a lot of other things changed for me. I spent my summer in Italy as an exchange student. I loved it. For the first time in my life I was playing the role of "daughter" and "sister" instead of "mother" and I was free to be who I really am. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  At this point I did not believe anymore and thus I did things I would not have otherwise done. Things I do not regret. I did drink, I got a third piercing, slept over at a guys house who was at the time my boyfriend. And I don't regret any of this.  I don't think God cares if you have three holes in your ear.  I don't think God cares if you drink as long as you do so responsibly. I don't think God cares if you sleep over at someone’s house as long as you are being safe and not stupid.  I do regret one night though. It was my sixteenth birthday and my sister had thrown a party for me. Thing is that morning my boyfriend had passed away from his cancer and I did not feel like a party. That night I did get drunk because I did not want to be there. I did not want to feel. Luckily I did it in the comfort of my own home and will never get drunk again. Between the health risk and the flat out suckiness of it, it is not worth it.  I do value the fact that I was able to make that decision on my own based on valid information and personal experience however.

That summer I found who I was and coming back to America I felt very stifled. I found I do not enjoy church anymore, I found that seminary simply frustrates me and I have been able to accept that everyone’s path to happiness can be, and most likely will be different.
I value the journey I have made. I value the pain and the triumphs. Although this journey is far from over and I have quite a bit further still to go, it has made me who I am today, and I am happy with who I am today. That is more than I can for the first fifteen or so years of my life.

Yet it still hurts.  Now and then, I still feel guilty. Call it a conscience if you want, but I’ll just deny it. It hurts still because I lost a lot when I gave up the LDS church.  It hurts because I loved that church, I poured my heart and soul into it, only to find I had been duped, like so many others. It hurts because I still have to watch those I love most, my sisters, struggle with it and with their own self-esteem from church related things.  Occasionally when I have flashbacks of old memories, it hurts all the more because I cannot seem to find a heavenly father now.  I won’t lie; I miss the church.  I miss feeling like I belong and being able to depend on the church for stability. 

  

During my summer of adventures, I found God again in a very different form than that of which I was use to. I found God in the laughter and smiles of my nephew, Giovani. I found God in the cobblestone streets and the vendors that were always so friendly and just wanted to talk. I found God in the fields of corn, and in the starry sky that was oh so visible from the balcony in my room.  In Italy, God was everywhere.  In Italy you could not open your eyes without seeing God.  Then again, in Italy I realized God, to me, is more symbolic of peace and happiness then anything else.  It may be quite some time before I can find God here.

 

My Current Beliefs:
This is where my journey picks back up. I do not know what I believe, and I am okay with that. I find it acceptable and demand the right to be able to question things and take my time deciding what is right and wrong for me, this is my life. For now my religion has simpler names, such as kindness, love, charity, service and I feel living by the these and the dictates of my own conscience has made me a better person than trying to live by other standards ever did. I am still a good person and I still accept many of the teachings that have been instilled into me by the LDS church, but I accept them because they are right for me. Only I know what will bring me happiness and I seize the privilege of finding that happiness for myself.

I do not know if I believe in a human God. I do not know if Christ was actually a savior of all man-kind, and I am okay with not knowing for now.  That is a whole other journey that will be taken as I am ready for it. As for now, I hope there is a God so that I can have a chat with him one day and just ask "why?"

 

 I still “feel the spirit” often; I just feel it for different things, yet it’s that same profound sense of peace and knowing.  I get that feeling when I watch an exceptionally beautiful sunset, when I study history and become in awe of the things people have done for us, and for our country, when I am spending time with my sisters, when I see the stars shining so brightly. I "feel the spirit" on a regular basis.

 

I will never believe in the church again though. I have been hurt by it and you know what they say, “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”  I loved the church and it was there when I needed it most. In my darkest hour of need when no one else was, God was. I felt an undeniable peace that this would be okay.  However, I have grown past my need for the church. I have learned to be more self reliant, more able to stand on my own two feet.  I did not loose my testimony, I know right where it went and I do not think it will ever come back. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr. “Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty I’m free at last.”