I first started questioning my religion when I was still in high school. I had just gotten back from an LDS pageant with my young women’s group and was sitting around thinking about these “anti” pamphlets that had been handed out to everyone that entered the parking lot. Of course our leaders wouldn’t let us take them. When I got home I decided to browse the internet and see what was out there. Needless to say I ran into LOADS of information. Some stimulating, some downright wrong. I began as a “defender of the faith” but then began to run into so many brick walls that I gave up for a while. In college I had my first drink of alcohol and smoked my first cigarette. I continued reading and searching and even returned to the fold for a while thinking that books like “The Trial of the Stick of Joseph” had solved all my problems. However, the old questions and concerns kept haunting me. I talked to everyone I could think of, my parents, my friends and even the missionaries.  I spent several hours in front of the Logan temple praying in my car for an answer. The answer never came. That was essentially the last straw. I have gone to church a few times since then (mostly for Christmas with my family) and I have even requested blessings from priesthood holders when I felt like I was falling apart (looong story and I won’t go into it). Of course none of these things changed the way that I felt. I still wonder sometimes. I have that nagging “what if”. It is hard to get over sometimes but I just remind myself about all the issues I have with the church i.e.: blood atonement, the role of women, blacks in the priesthood, plural marriage, the new DNA discovery etc. It is hard, especially when my parents and the vast majority of my family are all true believers. My mom still gets upset when I go on a rant about LDS doctrine. I hate to hurt her but it still bothers me that my parents believe so fully and say that the reason that I can’t know the truth intellectually is because I have to have FAITH. That is not something a person can really argue with except to say that I don’t think that everything in life should be based on faith. I have so much more rolling around in my head that I want to say but I am having problems articulating how I feel so I will leave it at that.