I was born second eldest in SLC to a couple of TBM's with a hippy dippy view of religion and the world. I was home-schooled to  help reduce the influence that "The World" could have on me. I learned to read by the time I was 3. I remember the first word I read: "Tree" -crayon on paper by my mother, and the first sentance: "I can walk! I  can walk!" -a comic book bible (I don't remember it's real name).

Needless to say I was in deep. However I was blessed with an inquisitive mind and a strong inner "Liahona". There were a few questions that I asked my mother when I was young that I never got a very good answer for, like: "If everyone on earth who was ever born has to be baptized, then what about someone who nobody knew was born? Like in the olden times before they wrote things down if someone had a baby far away from everyone else, and they died, and nobody ever knew they were there, what about them?" My mom said that she thought we just needed to have faith that God had a plan for such a situation. Which generated my next question: "If God has a way for those kinds of people to get baptized without our help, then why don't we just do it that way for everyone?" again I got "have faith" as the answer. Another question I asked my mom was after I heard the term "brainwashing" on the radio, and she explained what that was, I asked if that wasn't exactly what she and dad were doing with us kids; what the whole mormon religion was doing to it's kids, really. She explained that the difference was that our church encouraged it's members to explore and learn and ask questions and that there was no question that you could ask that the lord wouldn't give you an answer for if you "asked with real intent, nothing wavering".

   Around this time is when my parents embarked on what was unquestionably the most intelligent thing that they could have done (if their intention was to keep their kids in the church forever regardless of what things they might find out about the church in the future). They TAUGHT US THE SECRETS! They told us about the Adam-God doctrine, they explained to us about Joseph Smith and his wives, they taught us the"lying histories" of J.S. They told us all of it was explainable through faith and that we could know that these things were part of God's overall plan for the church. They basically gave us the framework with which to deflect ANYTHING that someone might try to tell us to destroy our testimony. We were also made aware that EVERYONE IN THE "WORLD" was subject to Satan's will, and that deep-down they all wanted to hide the truth from us or twist it to make it look like a lie.

   My parents credibility came under considerable question when my father began molesting me, but my Bishop cleared it all up for me. He told me that my father's trials and challenges in this life were between him and God, and that I should concern myself with the things that God was giving ME these trials for, namely to learn forgiveness. From that point on I did have a much harder time with the whole concept of "Honor thy Father and thy Mother", but that was the test the LORD had given me to help me grow.

   Eventually I convinced my parents that I was indoctrinated thoroughly enough to be able to attend public high-school without losing my testimony. I wasn't my science teachers favorite student. I refused to learn the theory of evolution on the grounds that it was against my religion (however, my parents later explained to me the theory of intelligent design which seemed to make a little more sense than Creationism at the time, so I gave it another shot).

   Around this time I started getting a tad impatient with the Lord. I'd been reading my scriptures, fasting and praying like a crazy person for years with no "burning bosom". My Bishop told me that in addition to having real intent, I also needed to be worthy. So I forgave everyone everything, and really buckled down on the "good thoughts about those who treat you ill" front. I mean, I wasn't killing anyone, I was pure, wasn't drinking, smoking, lying, drinking tea or coffee, I wasn't doing ANYTHING that I wasn't told to! I read my frustration as a possible sin and worked on being more patient too. Finally another bishop told me that God was offended because I was asking for something I already knew. Huh. So, there problem solved, I already knew the church was true, it was just another test God was giving me to help me grow as a person. So then I worked on my envy, I really tried not to be too envious of all those other people who got the special burning. It helped to imagine that it felt like heartburn.

   Finally, in a church class, Young Women's maybe? A teacher said that sometimes it is difficult for us to receive answers to our prayers because we have already decided what the answer will be, and that part of having "real intent" was having your heart truly open to whatever the answer would be. The "no" answers were described as "a cloudiness of mind" while the "yes" answers could come as a burning, a swell of happiness, or as a simple clear "yes" in our mind. Well, Okay, I decided to give it another try. I was so set on not controlling the expected answer to my prayer that I didn't even ask a question, I just opened my mind, and I felt... ...LOVE. I had a feeling of being held close to something immense that was part of everything, and it loved me. I had tears streaming down my face. FINALLY! Confirmation of... love. Wait, That wasn't the question I was asking! Don't get me wrong that was great to know and all, but I had more questions! I prayed and prayed, but only got cloudiness of mind when I would ask if the church was true. Every single TIME... cloudiness of... oh.. OH! Oh crap.

   So when I asked the bishop about this, he said that the Devil was trying to deceive me. Well, I KNEW that I had gotten a special answer to a prayer, so I knew that prayer was true, and the church had taught me to pray, and told me I could receive answers to prayer, so really it was KINDA like knowing the church was true right? I bore my testimony often after that, although I don't know if any one noticed or not, but the testimony was always of "prayer", not "that the church is true". I drifted on FOR YEARS like this. I had a great deal of comfort, knowing that I was loved, and I often prayed with an open mind when I was looking for guidance in particular aspects of my life. I learned from a friend of mine that the kind of "praying" that I was doing was remarkably similar to "meditation", still, what ever you called it, it was the one thing I knew was true.

   Then the leaders of the church started really pushing that any answer that you received from prayer which wasn't in keeping with the council of our elders was of the devil (so why do people bother praying anymore to receive a witness that the B.O.M. is true? If they got a "no" that would be from Satan, so the only possible answer is a yes, so why bother asking?). That shook me. You see, I'd recently fallen in love with a girl, and I was a girl too. When I prayed about it, I felt good, I felt peaceful and clear. I knew that "God" or whoever it was that was the source of love that I felt when I prayed knew this relationship was a good one. I was very moral about it, we held hands and only shared very chaste kisses, and I was diligently trying to convert her so that I could feel better about dating her. I couldn't very well have a serious dating relationship with someone who wasn't a mormon could I? Well, now the church was placing me at direct odds with things I KNEW were true. I had to choose.

   I will always find it very ironic that the first real leap of faith I ever took was following my heart over following the sweet old guys who ran the church. Nothing could have swayed me away from the church, no "fact", no "dark history" only the reality that I knew in my heart they were wrong about this. My mother nearly disowned me, and my father strongly disapproved. Eventually they came around to my new relationship, just in time for it to end. I was so lost. Why did God tell me that this relationship was a good thing if it was only fated to end? Well the answer to that question when I prayed about it was that LOVE is good. It sometimes lasts for a long time, sometimes it does not last as long, but LOVE is always from GOD.

   Long story short, (too late) it took many more years and many more changes in my identity (I am now the happily married [to a man]mother of 1) for me to finally leave the church officially. I suddenly realized that I was still a member of a church which had given me one thing: the ability to find my own answers to life's difficult questions through meditation. A skill that I could have gotten from a good yoga class. I could no longer keep my token membership without becoming a complete hypocrite after the prop 8 stuff.

   I sent in my resignation letter a few weeks ago. 36 years old, and finally taking the yolk off my pile of discarded relics from the past and throwing it out the metaphorical door. When my mother asks me things about my happiness and such these days, I am always surprised by how happy, contented and fulfilled I am. I am clear on how my world works (do unto others as you'd have them do to you, and do the best you can), what I believe (Jesus philosophy was rockin': always question authority) and what life is all about (LOVE. For yourself, for others and for the miracle of being able to experience life on this remarkable planet).

   Only now, after sending in my resignation have I really sat down and looked at the new mountain of evidence there is that the church is not true. The DNA... wow, Book of Abraham... huh, crazy. There are a lot of things out there to prove that the church is not true, but for me, nothing beats a good old fashioned testimony.

-Mustard Seed