Hi! My name is Kelly and I chose the screenname "Kids are First" because I am a 9th grade Reading teacher in Jacksonville, Florida. Here is my story!

I was raised a Presbyterian but met 2 sorority sisters in college.  I was an intensely spiritual person and had told myself that if there was really one true church I wanted to be a part of it. I set out on a search to find "the one true church." Little did I know what would happen as a result. I would come to hate that decision.

They were LDS and they and the sister missionaries befriended me and I converted to the church when I was 21 years old. Through the ward there I met my future husband, an RM BIC TBM Mormon-the youngest of 8 children.

I was married in the Manti Temple at age 23 where his family lived. It was a horrid experience and looking back to that time-1978- I think somehow I knew right then this couldn't be true. In those days we got our endowments and got married the same day. The "naked" wshing and annointing part freaked me out. My MIL and SIL went through the temple with me. They started right off telling me my wedding dress wasn't "modest" enough even tho it was long sleeved and covered my shoulders and most of my neck. They put Kleenex inside the neck to "hide" my neck. Seeing my husband in that ridiculous get up was the only smile I had that day! In my arrogance at finding the "true church" my family sat out front for hours in pouring rain. INo one offered to let them come in and it breaks my heart now. What was I thinking?

The sealing was awful. The officiator gave us a long speech about all the horrid trials and tribulations coming our way in life and how important it was to endure to the end in this life in order to be together in the eternities. Nothing about the joys of marriage. I felt like I married the church-not my husband. After the sealing he asked us to step away from the "altar" to exchange rings. My MIL cried the whole time she was so "happy" and kept saying how beautiful I looked in my Mormon wedding dress stuffed with Kleenex. I hated the garments then and for 30 years. But ;I kept wearing them. One thing sticks in my mind about that day. She said" I know the temple experiennce is a bit of an ordeal but you will get "used" to it the more often you come." Why should you have to get "used" to a holy place. My husband whispered in my ear "Wasn't it wonderful when I pulled you through the veil?" I thought-"why does it take my husband to get me to heaven?" I cried off and on all day and everyone thought it was because I was so "happy."In a nutshell we spent the next 30 years in every "calling" we had. I was President of the Relief Socity, my husband was on the Priesthood Quoroum, a Bishop[, A Stake President, you name it. We had three beautiful children in the 1980's.

My husband began suffering severe depression, I believe because he struggled so hard to be "perfect' so he could become a "god." At age 45 with the advent of the internet I began delving into the "real" history of the church. What I found only confirmed my doubts., I quit going to church, gave up my callings, refused to talk to the home teachers and missionaries. I threw my garments away. My husband was horrified. His parents blamed me for his depression. It grew worse and worse until on July 3rd 2003 he shot himself in our back yard. My then 17 year old son found him. He was buried in his temple clothes which took lots of string pulling on the part of my FIL due to the suicide. My children were 17, 19 and 21. Within 3 years all four of us left the church. I resent the fact that everything I had taught my kids was a lie. What I had done to them by raising them in this charade was shattering. They got no comfort from this "wonderful" family oriented church. My inlaws and all my BIL and SIL have had nothing to do with me to this day. After 30 years. It was all my fault. If I hadn't left the church my DH would never have killed himself. If I wasn't going to be with them in the eternity families are forever why bother with me on earth?

I resigned from the church, so did two of the kids. The other-a strong willed piece of work insisted on an excommunication court so she could tell them off. She gave a 20 min speech to the court and walked out by flipping them all off. I thought it was great.

It has been a tough few years. I have continued to teach school. Two girls are married, one has two children. My son is still searching for something. I hope he finds it. One daughter is Catholic, the other two are agnostics.

I am now a Christian. I attend the Catholic church because it gives me a sense of peace and serenity. Its not for everybody but it is for me. I don't believe there is any "one true church." I wish I could rewind my life but I can't. I have learned to be a survivor and no longer a victim.

My favorite quote is "Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those of us who have already been there."

Peace and love to all of us as we deal with our struggles in getting out of the Morg. It isn't easy for most of us. You don't just give up the church-you give up everything. But the rewards to me of being able to think for myself, intellectually grow every day, set me free from the prison. I wish you all the best.