“Right,branded on my brow.

Wrong,printed on my mind.

Yousee. The seed is in me.”

--Front242 06:21:03:11 Upevil: Religion.

Mid2006 is when the walls came down.

Idefinitely made mistakes along the way, but in hindsight they werethe mistakes of the overzealous and intellectually dishonest (that'smy description of me at the time, not pointing at anyone else, sincenow I am an 'individual' this is my story). I let what others thinkdictate my actions. But in the end, the actions, my mistakes,are/were my own and I own them.

Iwas 'born in the covenant'. Seminary grad, rarely missed churchgrowing up and rarely still do. I was True Believing Mormon throughand through. Family home evening never consisted of actual familymeetings, but religion and politics were just the average topics ofhome when I would chat with my brothers. By the time I finished highschool I felt that I knew all the doctrine and had shockingindoctrination into all of the faith promoting rumors. I was theMorality Police and Word of Wisdom taliban. I weaponized the theologyto be used on the girls in my school and other people and followedthe rules to the letter. I missed my junior prom by enforcing my ownmoral code on myself, “No way am I going to the Prom and risk beingin close with a girl”. So I put up an arrogant front at all timesand was a complete cocky jerk. The hotter the girl, the more derisionI projected at them. (Not that I could have dated her anyway..but Iwas the hero of my own story...) This of course led me to be thejudge, jury and executioner in my minds eye when I projected mybelief system onto others, as is the case with most religiouszealots. Various personal experiences that I attributed to thedoctrine even led me further down the belief rabbit hole, though nowthey can be logically explained.

PreMission

Summerbefore my mission was the best summer of my life. Got in betterphysical shape than I already was by working out all the time,working hard at my job, and just enjoying life completely obliviousand carefree. Friend to everyone, and hair grew out to hippieproportions, and since I am the most drug free human I know, it wasthick and long and I got more than a few compliments about it. Iloved it as well to be honest. One thing I noticed now in retrospect,that was the one summer I never really paid attention to thetheology. We had the internet in our apartment and low and behold,Pr0n! ('Porn' for those out of the 'know') I am sure I have anaddictive personality since my father was an alcoholic until I wasborn. (My mom ultimatum ed him and he gave it all up cold turkey. Iam super proud of him. I grew up in a very loving environment eventhough he had an authoritarian streak at times.) So I about died athow hot the female form was and I kind of kicked myself for treatingthem so bad in high school. Then the guilt set in. (Oh NOES! Nakedchicks!) I ended up dating, during a fantastic make-out session Ifelt up a date's boobs, went to the bishop in self loathing andconfessed. Then was given a 6 month sentence for it, no sacrament.Then I messed up again, 18 ½ and felt boobs, confessed to the samecharge again, “Dog returning to it's own vomit, yada, yada..” andwas given a year. Though the 'bar was in the process of beingraised', and I hadn't 'fornicated', I went out on the mission at 19½, not too conspicuous in terms of 'worrying about what the culturethinks'. It was more of an, “Oh, he is probably just saving moneysince his parents aren't rich...” And I was saving money, so Ididn't kick myself too much. Dated a girl who turned into mygirlfriend. It became her life's mission and goal to get me on amission. It worked.

Boughtmy mission clothes and had saved enough for a couple of months of mymission, but my mom and dad worked their guts out to pay for the restof it.

Putin my mission papers. Met with my 'home ward' stake president to begreeted with, “If you plan on going on a mission, repent of yoursin and cut your hair.” That took the wind out of my sails, but Iam far from thin skinned in terms of letting anyone get me down, Iwas too busy doing it myself to myself. Yet I still kick myself forletting myself give away my power by letting his words cut into meand to begin what I noticed the changing of my happy go luckyattitude. So I took approximately 8 inches off the length...babysteps, ya know :), so it was close to my ears and I gelled the heckout of it to raise it higher up and went back for round 2.

“That'snot a missionary haircut!? If you plan on leaving, you cut your hair,you must start being a missionary now.” So the hair came off. Gotmy calling. By being so exposed to the Book of Mormon growing up andpaying attention to all the lessons and internalizing them, I reallyhad a solid grasp of the Book of Mormon, I knew all the doctrine andwhere to find things, but I never had the actual storyline since Inever read it completely cover to cover once. So three weeks beforeMTC, I figured I better get the storyline down as opposed to just thetheology. I will admit, the build up in 3^rdNephi rocked my world. From the believers being threatened with deathif the signs didn't appear to the descending of Jesus amongst theNephites, I was blown away and it all clicked.

Serveda mission 97-99. 1 week into the mission and my transformation wascomplete. I became the taliban personified to a degree that put myhighschool persona to shame. In a matter of 7 weeks I went fromcompletely happy go lucky to completely authoritarian. RULES comebefore all else. SAFETY in the rules. SUCCESS in the rules. IF youcan keep the WHITE HANDBOOK SCHEDULE for your entire life YOU WILL BESAVED NO MATTER WHAT. The theology took on a reality that I look backon in full fear at what I would have done had the prophet given theorder of anything else aside from missionary work.

Iwas in the MTC throughout Christmas season, mid November throughDecember. We heard many prophets and apostles speak. During onemeeting, I am not sure exactly who it was, It may have been the MTCPresident who spoke. Either way, the gentleman received a letter froma mission president in South America. The letter stated that 2missionaries got abducted while tracting and a man held a gun to oneof the Elder's heads and screamed for him to deny his faith. Themissionary stated he would not, the man pulled the trigger then ran.The bullet entered the missionaries head and somehow it was deflectedfrom penetrating the missionary's skull, but instead followed acurved path under the skin around his head and came out of the back.The missionary, though bloodied, survived relatively unscathed withbruising and only puncture holes from entry and exit wounds. We wereall in shock. In my mind's eye I thought, “I am immortal...bring iton world.”

Behindthe rules...I was an empty dead shell. I was completelymiserable...especially when others weren't keeping the rules as goodas I was. Then I looked into the mirror and it hit me, as if mybottled up depressed subconscious was just begging to bring me back,“This sucks..this isn't living. I am a complete jerk and I loverules more than people.” Now even with this realization, I then hadto figure out...how do you love the people? My only outlet was tostill keep the rules, but at least I figured that the white hand bookwas exactly that...a guide only.

Needlessto say my trainer and other senior companions could never be goodenough in my eyes. We never tracted enough, we didn't pray hardenough, they didn't speak the language good enough, or try to strikeup conversations with random 'fellow family members of God' enough,or felt “Godly Sorrow” for the people enough. I looked to all ofthe above reasons as just extra tic marks on God's Master ExcelSpreadSheet in preparation for my judgment and damnation. I drovemyself insane.

ThenPresident Charles Didier shows up at a zone conference / missionconference...and then lays into us about how ineffective we are. Thenhe gives us 'techniques' on, well..for lack of a better phrase todescribe them, 'used car sales'. He says, “When you approach aninvestigator be confident and hold their gaze. Then hold out the booklike this..” he holds the Book of Mormon resting on top of his leftpalm while holding the edge with his right hand. He continues, “Then,when you present the book and they see it and reach down to grab it,give it a tug! This is something you don't just give away, this issacred! Then, when they are surprised at your slight pull back theywill look up at you. That moment of eye to eye contact is when yourspirit can communicate directly with theirs and then you beartestimony, 'It is true!'”. (I still can't find scriptural backingin this tactic working, but hey, when you are making it up as yougo...why not!)

Thougha zealot, I had a sense of humor...it's a family thing that wasripped from my psyche during my MTC zealot days since 'lightmindedness' is evil and that's all I was before I got to the mission.My only coping mechanism with the behind the scenes guilt I had noidea how to define, was destroyed by the temple...but I'll get to mythoughts on the temple later. But, at this point, my humor somehowslipped through.. The next day we met up with some missionaries atour favorite restaurant for lunch, “Pass the fork..” I presentedthe fork in 'Didier' fashion. He grabbed, I tugged, then he looked atme kind of miffed like “What's the big idea, moron.” Then I said,“It is true!” The tiger was unleashed and from that point ontestimony was born over all commonplace items that needed hands forexchanging. (Another reason for damnation on the spreadsheettally...) A slight tug on any random item would then trigger the nowPavlovian trained response and the Elder would instantly swivel hishead around and bring the face within mere inches of your own, eyesstaring, locked into a mental vice the savviest of Jedi would envy,then you had your opening...“This sock is true!”. (Which...whenyou think about it...the sock is tangible..and serves a realpurpose...so that is a true statement! The socks, forks, spoons,backpacks, coats, and everything we used as a joke, in hindsight, areliterally true as compared to the mental system/maze we pushed ontopeople.)

Laterin the mission, I delved into Joseph Smith's teachings after Imemorized my discussions in the language since I was allowed tofinally have study time outside of the language. The Teaching's ofthe Prophet Joseph Smith by Joseph F. Smith. It blew my mind. Then Iread 'Answers to Sundry' questions where he denies polygamy. Thepolygamy thing always ate away at me. Well, I took the answer at facevalue and said, “SEE! They LIED about him! It was all 'ANTI-MORMON'propaganda.” But still I knew that Brigham had matter-of-factpracticed it...but I guess since it wasn't Joseph I could use the'out' of “Well the church is perfect, yet the people are not, andsince Joseph denied it's practice...that's the way it was regardlessof who said otherwise.” I even found a copy of the 27^thwife in one of the local universities...didn't read it since it wasfor sure all fabricated ANTI-MORMON literature.

ThenI read the strongest, most powerful piece of theology I could everread. Joseph Smith was able to bridge the divide and justify thecontradictions in the bible in this sermon. It blew my mind.

“Godsaid, “Thou shalt not kill;” at another time He said “Thoushalt utterly destroy.” This is the principle on which thegovernment of heaven is conducted—by revelation adapted to thecircumstances in which the children of the kingdom are placed.Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we maynot see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire. Ifwe seek first the kingdom of God, all good things will be added.”

Ididn't have any of the back-story or context, but it didn't matter,Joseph was most definitely a true prophet.

Everydoor I knocked on and got turned away became an “OHNOES!!!11!!ELEVENTY!!11, I and they are going to hell for I wasn'table to present the perfect door approach. I am a failure!” moment.

Dayin and day out. (God's “You're damned, here is the proof,spreadsheet was being ticked off nicely...)

Anytimea missionary wasn't focusing on the people or teaching at all timesthe people, my 'Godly Sorrow' for the gentiles was destroying my mindand eating me alive. “WE are their ONLY HOPE and we are WASTINGIT!!! Their damnation will be our curse!!! We are going to be damnedfor all the souls we didn't save!” AAGHHHH!!! These impressions andthoughts coursed through my mind at all times.

Ibeat myself up in my own head as much as I beat up everyone else inmy own head as well. I read John 16:33: “Thesethings I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In theworld ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I haveovercome the world.”Also, I then read in John 3:17, “ForGod sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but thatthe world through him might be saved.“

Why,then, was I feeling so depressed all of the time and inadequate; thatGod himself was going to come down and shove me to hell for mypathetic performance? (Still pulled off 6 baptisms...one I am awareof went on a mission and converted 13 as well, so at least mydownline is true...:)

Butyeah, I remember even writing a letter home (paraphrasing), “All Iam doing is learning a language, this feels like an extension of highschool with some of the people I am surrounded by and it seems thatthere is no unity at all and we are accomplishing nothing. I shouldjust come home and put the $325 you are paying for me to be here tobetter use going to school or something.” I was a mental wreck. Butthere was always the lingering thought, “Satan is trying to swayyou! Of course! Yeah, that's it...Satan!”...

Iended up as district leader and branch president in a new area. Westarted with 1 member and by the time I left we had 13 people showingup regularly. My greeny came in and we taught an investigator alldiscussions and I gave him the baptism. I got a phone call out ofnowhere. I thought it was just a typical call. It was a female...andshe had started to read the Book of Mormon! I set up an appointmentand she turned out to be shockingly hot! And I am sure I will stillburn in hell for all of the late night phone calls in a foreignlanguage, but I began to dominate the language. (ProTip: You reallywant to learn a language? Get a native girlfriend...) From then on mygreeny was miserable the whole time out until I finally requested atransfer to get out of dodge in the event things got crazy. Funny howthe dichotomy of lust and zealot in religion can somehow feeljustified and how it works so well together...and I did justifyeverything at this point, my mind was such a mental maze of guilt.One of my friends in later years commented to me, “I thought it wasinteresting how for a year and half your letters were explaining howJoseph Smith was so awesome, then abruptly, to make a complete 180degree about 'Hot Chick'.” (The women were scantily clad in countryenough for me to still appreciate the female form.) It now reminds meof all the Evangelicals, Priests, and Republicans who are fightingagainst homosexuality just to inevitably be outed for being part andparcel of the lifestyle they so desperately condemn.

SoI call Mission President, “Uh..I need to be transferred. We tractedinto a lady and it's getting bad. I gotta get out of here before itget's worse. I haven't kissed her or anything, but we spend way toomuch time together and it will get out of hand shortly.” I had evenwent to the American Consulate and got papers and began to researchhow to bring someone to the states.

Tomy shock, “Well, can you make it just 2 more weeks?”

“Uh...wha!?Huh!?...uh... Yeah...uh, I think I can.” And I did! Woot! In aninterview with my President later about it he asked, “Well, do youlove her?” How do you answer that!? I nodded in the affirmative. Ithink my mission President had a subconscious hatred for the males inthat country and secretly wanted us all to take the super hot womenhome and away from them. After that interview he made me zone leader.

Marriage

Millionmore stories, but I'll leave with the following. I was the missionarywho made fun of other missionaries, “You are going to end up goinghome and marrying the first chick you see...” Just like thecloseted Priest, Evangelical and Republicans who rage against thegays while partaking at the same time themselves in that lifestyle, Imarried the first person I met.

3weeks home I pretty much found myself engaged. She was beyond chasteand during the courtship and make out sessions I slipped one evening(it was past 12:00 midnight...Satan was in full force:) ) I grabbedher boobs. Well, in her minds eye there went our temple marriage andour recommends and what would our family do when they find out we areEx'd!? She was in complete freak out mode. I was a bit concernedmyself since 'boobs' had put me on hold for a year and half myself.We also had already sent out wedding invitations and it was coming upin less than a month! So a trip to the bishop was in order toconfess. '6' months flooded my mind. Everyone would know...we wouldbe humiliated. (Humiliation is a fantastic passive aggressive threattactic to keep people in social/cultural line.)

Bishop:“Well, you are to be married in a month...do all you can to stayclean.” He counseled her.

Thento me, “And you? Do you feel ok in the eyes of the Lord?”

Uh...Iwas waiting for the '6 month' sentence..but I was so shocked at himkind of saying, “Well, it's between you and him...” that I justsaid, “Yeah..uh..sure.”

Bishopthen brings out the 'triangle'. At the apex of the triangle is theword 'God'. Then in the bottom left corner of the triangle is theword 'Man'. Then in the bottom right is the word 'Woman'.

“Howcan man and women come together on this triangle?” He asked. (Iimmediately thought, “Straight shoot it across the base!”)

“Hethen said, “If you try to come straight to each other and do notinclude God, it will be empty and joyless, and you will not havelasting happiness and most likely your marriage will fail. You mayhave temporal happiness, but without God, it can't continue on intothe eternities. So you both must work as hard as you can to comeclose to God...notice how when you do that you both become closer toeach other? The nearer to God, the nearer you both come together.”(Does the polygamist see an octagon presentation?)

Soin my opinion, she settled for the first guy who 1. showed interest,(though she is super pretty as it is and I was surprised she didn'tdate more..) and 2. break through her mental purity psyche yet stilltake her to the temple. She was 24, return missionary, and I was 22,freshly returned missionary back to where the church was just alittle more 'truer'. It was a match made in LDS'dom heaven. Later Ifigured it out, whether she agrees or not since in my reality I amright, that she felt completely pressured by the 'system' to getmarried. 24!? Oh NOES!!1111!ELEVENTY!11! Your time is running OUT! Sothough I can be considered in the bottom of the cultural caste leveland she was super above me in terms of lifestyle growing up, Icharmed her into settling.

Beforethe marriage we were in my hometown visiting. We ran into ‘StakePresident’.

Ihold her hand to him with the ring, “We are engaged, Sir.” (Inever call or called anyone ‘brother…so and so).

Heresponded immediately in his authoritarian voice, devoid of empathyand happiness for us, and inquisitively enquired, “Which temple?”You had to have been there to fully appreciate the look on his faceand the way he said it. My ‘weakness in writing’ doesn’t do itjustice.

Wekept our hands to ourselves from then on and on our target weddinginvite date we got married. Woot.

Life

Nowyou can read the rules all you want, but until you actually get onthe court and dribble the basketball you aren't going to be a greatplayer. So regardless of the 'Pr0n', I had no clue what I was doing.Well, honeymoon night after the 'moment'. She's in tears, “I thinkI hate sex”. A fear like no other entered my soul. My eternitiesliterally flashed before my eyes.

Howare you to know if you are compatible or not? It's literally alottery. You do all you can to be chaste and 'pure' and in 'theory'you 'learn together'. Well, if I were in a vacuum, I would haveagreed. Though we were both 'virgins' (some may argue I am not due tomy transgressions of boobs and porn) we 'in theory' should have beenable to 'learn together'. But I am not living in a vacuum. I alsofeel that the incessant guilt she felt over our make outs and havingher boobs grabbed ruined her psyche and she carried the guilt intothe marriage. I own that. It's my fault that I ruined her to thatdegree.

WhatI do not own is the following contention and I lay it at the feet ofthe LDS Church and organized Churches in general: When you are raisedwhere it, sex, is sooo evil, wrong, vile, impure, horrid, abhorrent,“I would rather my son come home in a casket than unclean”,licked cupcakes, “Die protecting your virtue than being raped”etc. the sexuality is obviously stifled and there WILL be problems ifone or both of the members in the relationship take that language,culture, and social more's seriously. And she did. And I did as well,obviously. But in that environment the more ‘devout’ and ‘pious’of the two parties involved in the relationship will take lead andsway and dominate the relationship. She ran the show.

Thenthe question enters... “OH NOES!!111!!ELEVENTY!111! How long can welay here without our GARMENTS ON???”. The church comes between youin bed. But 'the Church' is set up by GOD therefore Church = God. SoGod is watching us in bed...So for the first year the 'system /culture /theology' made it's way into our marriage. She began to pushme away. I am male. God created me and for some damned reason I havea sex drive. I have a sex drive regardless of how evil it is to letmy little factory manufacture it's product that I have no controlover. I just do. So it was a massive case of consistent, “I'mtired. Not tonight's.”

Iteven got to the point that she would make it a point to say, “Islept lousy, I am still tired” when she first woke up...that washer 'sign' to me that I shouldn't even ask later that night. So Ididn't.

Well,9/11 happened and to overcompensate for my high sex drive I delvedinto politics. (Hell...is 1 time a week a high sex drive? I dont'know... but I guess it is and I am a bastard for wanting it that manytimes.)

Sexwas still a problem, but politics at least took my mind away. I mostlikely should have been doing love notes, etc. But I weaponizedaffection to a degree as well. It became a script. At first once aweek only. “Same bat time..Same bat place, and of course...same batway!”. It then turned into months. I was as strong as I could be.Then after the first year I broke and checked out Porn online. Then,what seemed out of nowhere, those revelatory geniuses in Salt Lakebegan the crusade on Pr0n. So my wife is now filled with 'Oh NOES! Ishe!?' So one time when she acquiesced from her chastity throne toappease the beggar, I mentioned to her, “Hey, what if wetried....” She explodes, “WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT!!??!?!?!?!? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT IDEA! YOULOOKING AT PORN!!???!?!?”So I am laying there in bed..she is sobbing uncontrollably. I hadbetrayed her. And like the good HONEST (Suck on that Joseph) soldierI said, “Yes.”

Herworld view shattered. I was it's destroyer.

Soher coping mechanism is, “Hmm..it must be SEX that makes himinterested in Pr0n. He betrayed me and I am hurt. I will withholdintimacy from him..so the less ‘sex‘ the less desire for‘Pr0n.’.” (I applaud the attempted logic, but it just doesn’tjive with me. I will explain further below.) So she makes me agree,borderline covenant, with her that I will never look at it again. Iam not proud of the fact that I looked at it myself either, and amreeling and self loathing myself for I am the scum of the earthdoctrinally as well. Temple covenants are now broken in her mind andmine pretty much as well. She owns me from that point on. She ownedme completely theologically, socially, and culturally, she wasjustified in her mind, the mind of the church / 'system' / and aswell as in my own mind for I had betrayed her that I was the guiltyparty. And I was. I looked at porn. I own it. It's my fault. She heldher ownership of me by maintaining her perfection while I was fallen.

Therelationship just gets worse. She is more intimate and attentive tothe 'internet search history' button as opposed to her own husband. Iam hollow and a shell, but I always put up a smiling face andattended to my callings though the 'spirit' was basically goneaccording to her feelings towards me. I know I could and should havedone a million things differently to be a better husband. But I amgoing to church, fulfilling my callings, working full time, schoolfull time, (I told myself..even if we didn't have kids..I would notallow her to work...for my dad had made my mom work the whole time Iwas growing up and I was never going to fail in that regard.Well...marrying, and discovering that the better half had this pieceof plastic called 'credit cards' really put the hurt on us when shebroke the news that she missed a few of her payments. Me, a typicalproduct of public education, therefore not a clue about finances orinterest and not understanding credit, I say, “Oh..babe, it'sok..we'll be fine.” As of this typing we still carry credit carddebt. Though only about 3 payments left! Woot!)

Soshe got her sex and validation: Shopping and spending. Since I camefrom the 'new school' of “You treat her like a queen”, as opposedto the 'old school' of “Shut up and get in the kitchen... yousubmit to your husband, get naked and brace yourself.” Iinterpreted ‘new school’ as meaning, “She is never wrong, ifthere is a problem, chances are it's your fault since you are thebase male. The church makes good boys men and bad men better. (orhowever that phrase went) You support her, and let her do what shewants and live how she wants, you are to just make the money andprovide.” (I am way laxed anyway, and I do want her to be happy,when she was happy..I was happy, or so I thought I was anyway) Couplethat with the next 8 priesthood conference sessions that worked theirmagic on me. I looked at porn in the past...I was damned for it, mywife lost all hope and trust in me and any hopes or dreams of a sexlife that had any meaning or connectivity between us were dashed andlost.

NowI did put on some weight, she did as well, post marriage weight...orwhatever. 2004, I took a job where I worked outside, I sweat likecrazy, dropped my junk food and ate more protein. Even eating isn't aneutral thing anymore. “You are eating too much protein! You willdie! Your kidneys will malfunction! You are breaking the word ofwisdom! OH NOES!!” The church invades literally every aspect ofyour life. Literally. So I am in pretty rocking shape again. So Ilook at myself, “Wow, am I ugly? no. I most likely SUCK like crazyin bed!? Well, when it's less than 5 times in a years span...howcould I really know? When it is completely scripted and oneway....hers, I couldn't make an educated decision. Somehow we had ourfirst child. The stork? Osmosis? Asexual reproduction? Well, thechild looked like me...so I will own him. :) Super good looking kid.

ThenI after I graduated school in 2005 I took a completely stupid job. Ifelt misled after I took it, but it was too late and I didn'tresearch it out fully. Somehow another baby came along. Cutest littlegirl evah! My wife ended up being forced to get a job to keep usafloat and we ended up putting the kids in daycare while we bothworked. I was a massive failure. I then came up with a business ideaand I tried to run with it. It failed miserably. She resented me fromthen on that she had to work and miss her daughter growing up in herbaby years and not be at home. I mentally destroyed myself too overit. She was able to spend more time with our son growing up in hisbaby years, but being our daughter it was particularly hard on her tomiss it.

In2006 I joined, at the time a right wing blog renowned for it'sresearchers and critical thinking, me being the logical andimpassioned type I fit right in and we were in all out assaultagainst Islam. I read the Qu'ran. It is misogynistic, brutal, andfull of death and fear tactics and overt threats via Mohammed. Not tomention they are modern day polygamists along with the FLDS andallowed up to 4 wives. (In some cases they are allowed more...)

Tokeep my mind off of sex, I would join the chorus of bigotry online,though we did our best to focus on the theology and not the muslimfollowers. Woot. Then we became brutal fact checkers. You brought upa topic, opinion, idea and you couldn't back it with proof, you weredestroyed by the commenters there. We became fantastic researchersand critical thinkers on all the issues. Then the admin of the siteturned his sites toward creationism. The masses howled in pain thathe could betray their world views and wasn't a 'true conservative'. Ididn't care either way and survived the mass bannings. The sitebecame more intellectual and less emotional. Prove your assumptionsby facts and history and you had nothing to hide or be afraid of. SoI then employed my critical thinking skills and applied them to myown worldview. I can no longer be a Republican or a Democrat. Then Iapplied my critical thinking / fact checking skills to the LDS churchand religion in general. There are a lot of consistencies withbiblical teachings and Islam. LDS and Islam are WAYYY too close forcomfort in a lot of things Pre-Manifesto for my liking. But allreligion is quite BS anyway.

Sexstill was a problem.

Still,in terms of sex, denied, and denied...and denied. Anytime I wouldtouch her body, or her arm while we laid by each other she wouldstart off, “Have you been looking at porn?”... That's a MAJORturn on I tell ya. So she weaponized the sex and I know for a factshe was ashamed of me as her husband. Well, she had every right tobe. Her judgments were validated every Sunday and every 6 months atconference as well as every time she got with any group of women. Theevils of porn was topic number 1 in her peer group. Then she would dorandom ‘Gotcha moments’ during our days at home, “Hey, how isthe porn thing?” Just out of nowhere and at random. That’s thetrue glue that cements a relationship I tell ya.

Then4 out of 5 of my best friends are divorced starting at this time.Hey, the women won on their technicalities. (golf clap...bravo.) They held to the rod of purity, while their perverse sex fiend vilehusbands were left to forage and fend for themselves. I mean...hey,you don't need sex...it's just a luxury and to indulge, let aloneenjoy..god forbid, is evil and sinful and vile andabhorrent...right? The men couldn't survive in the relationships theywere in when the sex was systematically removed due to the wivesdiscovering porn on the computers. The wives then turned into (ifit's even possible) a larger strain of religious fanaticism andturned to falling on their knees in prayer...when in REALITY theyshould have been falling on their knees...but not for prayer.(Sorry...I am a base jerk.)

Myworld view was rocked when they split up and I freaked out when I sawmy exact same relationship in them as well. I started analyzing mylife. I delved into the church doctrine to make up for my evil sin. Iprayed, payed, obeyed, and am so programmed that though I don'tbelieve in it, I still read, pray and pretty much am exactly the sameperson I was in terms of 'works'.

Idecided I wanted to write a book. Polygamy still ate away at me...butthen I started secretly hoping it was the real deal. On a scale of1-10, my 6 years of sexual intimacy at that point could be labeled a2. 1 being the lowest rating on the scale. So I am thinking...dang,polygamy HAD to be true. These women own us men. I mean, in 2002, Isat through 12 weeks of church followed by a priesthood conference and in each meeting D&C 121: 36 and 37 had been read every week.All topics, literally from 2001 up to NOW consist of guilting theevil man to death. My priesthood had been “Amen'd” on all fronts.Everything I did, I was sure the spirit was grieved and I was toblame. Anytime my wife was upset, it was my fault for not being anadequate priesthood holder.

Ithen realized that outside of the church, I had NOTHING, literallyNOTHING, in common with her. But you can't tell, for your lives areso invaded and dictated by the theology and you always are doingchurch dictated things together that you really can start believingthat you DO have a lot in common. Good ol' Spencer and hisdestruction of 'true love' where he basically states that as long asyou both are religious and strive for perfection you can make themarriage work. Sorry, but I hate 'work', I want..'joy'..or evensettle for it‘s lower pal ‘happiness‘? Is that allowed?

Thenin 2006, researching for my book, I began reading the history of theLDS theology and discovered all the contradictions and lies. JosephSmith HAD been a polygamist. I said to myself, “Well, it wasjustified in the Old Testament, he most likely had a sex drive, andEmma hated sex.” I was 100% justifying polygamy by projecting thesituation I was in back to Joseph Smith. So I became obsessed withthe topic. It actually gave me a modicum of hope at the same time. HEWAS HUMAN, not just a perfect prophet without parts or passions, asopposed to the current sanitized man that speaks from the conferencepodium. (August 2010 as of this writing..:)

ThenI read Rough Stone Rolling, and then my jaw hit the floor. Hedid what with married women?!Wow. Then I saw that my favorite piece of literature in the church,the 'sermon' Joseph Smith gave on the contradictions in the OldTestament and the New Testament...really ended up being justificationfor polygamy in order to not be considered an adulterer, and toauthoritarian guilt his way into sex to get a piece of Nancy Rigdon.The woman has all of my respect. Then Joseph and his threateningHelena Mars Kimball's salvation if she didn't comply was beyond thepale. I was sick to my stomache when I realized the way he practicedit and the way it was meant to be had nothing to do with each other.He set up a system to get sex and to justify it. I couldn't believeit and I didn't want to believe it. So I didn't, because I wanted sexjust as bad as he did.

Thenthe guilt would set in for thinking about polygamy and I was obsessedwith the eternal perspective. I freaked out, because I knew that the'same spirit' in you here, is the 'same spirit' in you there. My sexlife was to be hell for eternity. But POLYGAMY!!! That, sadly, gaveme HOPE! (How messed up is that?!) Then I would freak out evenmore...”What if it's WRONG!? What if the church is a fraud? (I haddoubts of course after all the tripe I waded through) What if I getto the other side and I am not CHOSEN for it since it's such an eviland perverse desire; have more wives in hopes that 1 out of 30 are atleast going to tolerate 'sex' and take it for the team. (I projectedmy wife's sexual outlook onto everyone else..I was depressed for nowoman can possibly like sex. No woman is comfortable sexually, nowoman enjoys it. If you do something outside of 'set sexual pattern'you are going to hell for being perverted and disgusting. So I coinedthe phrase “Married Celibate”.) Or worse ..there IS NO OTHER SIDEand you are missing OUT on the one chance of happiness you got!?...

Backto my sex life, “Gosh..-sigh-, hurry up and get it over with.”.(I have a testimony that nothing is more horrid than 'obligationsex'. With every fiber of my being I can tell you that you basicallycome away feeling like a rapist since you know she is doing it fornothing more than her 'wifely duty'. Feeling like you raped your ownwife? Good grief.)

2008and I got a job overseas. It was fantastic. I felt like: 1. I was theprovider. 2. She had two maids and a driver and 3. Most importantlyshe could stay home with the kids, and not work, our daughter was 2so there was still time to be salvaged between mother and daughter!Woohoo! I was making solid money and we could pay off our debt. Thishas the makings of a fantastic turn of events! WRONG.

Andof course...she then became depressed and miserable. She wasn't ableto be with her mom like she wanted or her family. And sex, ifpossible, got worse. She spent and bought and purchased her way outof her depression and then it would get worse when our bills camedue. She was miserable, though she had literally all the free time inthe world. I would have killed to be in her position, but I wasworking upwards of 60 + hours a week at times to get this project Ihad been hired to complete off the ground.

Ihad 2 callings in the church. And she had been called also. It wastough at times for the language barrier. But in a couple of months Ifigured out a lot of phrases and began to pick it up. After a year Idid quite well in conversations so I was ok, though I never studiedlike I did for the language of my mission, but she was completelyisolated in her depression and chose to not try to assimilate orlearn. She did have a group of other American women to associatewith, but when it's forced and not chosen they weren't the type thatshe would choose to hang out with so it was really hard on her.

Mylife became work, working out at the gym we had in the condo, andswimming with the kids and going to church. To make things worse, Iworked the nightshift since I worked on an American schedule. So onweekends I would try to force my body to switch to daylight to spendtime with the family, but after 3 weeks it messed my system up waytoo bad. So weekends became me and my xbox 360 at night, and browsingonline. By that time I had studied enough to know the church wasn'twhat it claims and I had really began to emotionally divest myself ofit. But 31 years isn't easy to get over in a couple of moths.

Sexbecame even worse, and I got sick of it. I looked at porn again. Thenat about 2 in the morning I heard the door open from behind. Ofcourse, I was using a new browser and I moved quickly to 'x'it out ofthe screen...but 2 tabs were open, “Are you sure you want to exitout of both tabs?” Thanks a lot Steve Jobs... So I get busted. Sheis crushed...again. Shocka. This time I hold my ground, “I amsorry, I am a sexual person, if I don't get it from you, I will getit from somewhere.”

Itwas the first time she realized that the 'church' couldn't be herfirst, last, and only line of defense...but she had no way of dealingwith it or even know how to rectify it. I wanted sex. But sex wasevil..how could she comply? We had a massive argument, not the onlyone, but this time it was the most pointed and I was the most blunt.I had received oral sex in the 9 years of marriage less than 10 timesand even then it couldn't be considered 'real' in my mind..just ateasing pretend that quickly transpired into me doing what shewanted...same ol', same ol.

Shewas in freak out mode. Porn was now at the front, back, sides andmiddle of her mind from then on. I made some friends with themanagement of the company and I told her I would spend my time outwith them and not online at all, or I would just play the xbox 360 onweekends. (every hour or so during the evening she would burst fromthe bedroom in attempt at 'catching me'..but I just played. Call ofDuty and many others are such good games...thank you Bill Gates.)

Thisworked out for a good while. Come to find out the 'management',though married, were not LDS and didn't care about their fidelity atall. I hung out with them, but never did what they did.

SoI started to read books on weekends and during my free time. Twomoved me to tears. 1984 by George Orwell, and the other AtlasShrugged by Ayn Rand. I did enjoy the 'validation' my politicalconservatism was looking for in them, but it was the dissertation andphilosophies on sex that moved me to the break point. I cried forhours when Winston in 1984 described the relationship between him andhis first wife Katharine: 'Shehad not a thought in her head that was not a slogan, and there was noimbecility, absolutely none, that she was not capable of swallowingif the Party handed it out to her.' (Part 1, Chapter 6, pg. 67)Katharine hated sex, but insisted that she and Winston should try tohave children for the Party.” The way Winston describes hisencounters with her...he knew she wanted to enjoy it...but her mindhad been completely bent to big brothers will and being who she trulywanted to be was an impossibility. But every Thursday no matter what.(Every THURSDAY and Winston is crying about it! What a wuss! That'slike...once a week! I wouldn't have known what to do and would havebeen ecstatic and beside myself!)

Thenin Atlas Shrugged, and the relationship that Henry Reardon had withhis wife Lillian and then with Dagny Taggart and Francisco..etc..Just the concept of giving yourself, wholly, completely, andwillingly just because you can and it's what you want. That was soforeign to me. But in LDS...you can't. You can only do that for God.He is always there and always between you. Ayn Rands philosophy aboutsex. (A million opinions on the subject, but I made my own and it fitmy current world view at the time quite well...well enough to breakme to tears reading the book.)

Iopened up a Facebook account to keep in touch with friends in thestates. Immediately I had a lot of local friends and employees on myaccount as well as a lot of stateside. One local 'friend' proved tobe extra 'friendly'. Even though I was a married man, it was beyondflattering to be perceived as an object of affection. So we chattedand chatted.

Well,the company paid for the flight to let my wife and kids to go back tothe states for a month and half to see family. I had my 'friend' comeover the next day. You can't imagine...black lace bra, black lacepanties...I made her leave. I sat there alone in my condocontemplating the abyss of hell and eternal progression in tears. For3 hours I sat against a wall on the floor blubbering and convulsingin tears, weeping and 'gnashing of teeth', literally. (See the churchis true! They nailed it on exactly how your torment would be! Sarcasmpeople.) The hardest and longest cry of my life. What would happento my family ties and my children? I would never see them again,ex'd, no more eternal unit, no eternal burnings for me, just outerdarkness ...ad infinitum. Then the contrast...living an eternity ofinvalidation. Living an eternity where I am the beggar, begging forscraps from Longshanks table. (Braveheart). Living an eternity where'joy' is exactly there, yet never to be had. Our walls were built, weare just not compatible. Either way, I don't know how I made herleave, but I did, ..just to have her come back the next day...samething. I made her leave. I still had polygamy thoughts via Josephgoing through my head and I invited her back the next day. Finally Isaid, “Enough, I am making this choice.”

Ifailed. I own it. It's my failure, no one else. I knew how to talkto her, I knew how to push her buttons and I am the guilty party forinviting her over. The first night after, I sent her home and I criedfor 10 hours straight, there was no path of return I thought. It wasover. So now I had to figure out how to be there for my kids. Easy,be Joseph Smith and lie. Wife called me that day, “Hey! I am soworried...I had the worst dream of my life. You cheated on me. It washorrible. You didn't? Did you!?”

(maybeLehi's dream wasn't BS!)

“WHAT!?”(Faux-righteous indignation) “No way! You are crazy!” (Phone goes silent...)

“Ok..well,I am just worried now.”

“Ohmy gosh..you are crazy, it's ok.”

“Ok..loveyou. Do you still love me?” (that phrase became the theme from thenon out)

“Ofcourse! Gosh, silly! Love you.”

(EnterDoc Holliday, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”)

Sheworked where I did, and literally nothing but work, food, sex duringrandom times, places, and locales, and laying in each other's armsand watching TV and eating out.

Sad,but life had meaning again. I was happy. I was. It wasn't just'happy' it was beyond it. To have someone who prided herself in hersexuality and aimed it all at me. I hated garments as it was. So thefirst time I saw her on the bed, black bra, black panties, voluptuousbody, jet black hair... I, in some bout of herculean celibacy, turnedher away, but the moral is that the LDS woman can't compete. Theyjust can't compete to something like that. Garments are meant torepress and destroy the sexuality in a woman, this woman held nothingback and I drank it all in. Swam in it. I felt more appreciation andvalidation by her more in one night then I had felt in 9 years. Shejust wanted sex and enjoy it. She didn't need the 'spirit' to prompther it was ok.

Iagree you can't base a relationship on sex alone, but I know I am tobe with someone where sex is more of a priority than just 10 minutesevery other month and immediately shove the garments back on.

So after the 6 weeks she flew back from the states. In my mind I wanted to play the 'polygamist' role andsay, “I truly love them both, there is obviously room for both, soI'll just keep it quiet.”, but, I don't see how that can work. Iresented my wife to a degree, but more than that I felt a deep seatedangst at the church for destroying in her what could have beensomething truly amazing and unifying. But she was so conditioned anddoctrined to believe sex was an abhorration that she carried it intothe marital relationship. But can you blame her?

LDS lifecycle: Born. Baptism. Church, “Sex is evil wrong, be wary! Don't date til 16 and onlythen groups for you must wait and marry a Returned Missionary! Evil sex, bad sex...” Date. Now PresidentOaks, “Oh NOES! The youth actually are OBEYING ourcouncil...uh...start pairing off! No more groups!” (Damned if youdo..damned if you don't...) Find partner. Get engaged, “Be CAREFUL!ETERNITY IS ON THE LINE!!!” Temple Marriage and literally afterone 'yes' later: “Where are the KIDS! BIG FAMILIES!”

Uh..butthat requires sex.

Thoughwe fought and fought and argued over it the 9 years, I wasintellectually honest enough to not demand her to be who she wasn't.You can't change someone. You can force something, but they hate andresent you for it and I knew I would never force her to do or be whatshe didn't want to do or be. I do know there are some of the “oldschool” patriarchal bastards out there, “You will submit to yourhusband” types..but that is a Pyrrhic victory in my opinion andhow they can look at themselves in the morning and be happy inside isbeyond me....(this coming from the adulterer (see Doc Holliday quoteabove)).

Forthe next 8 months I lived the lie. Kept it secret. I told myself, Iwill NEVER ask for sex from her again. It's not worth it, if she isinterested she can ask now. So then, after I stopped asking,immediately I was the bad guy for deviating from the script, “I amworried? You don't ask me anymore!?” Yeah, I was the perfectglutton for punishment: Chinese definition of insanity, “Keep doingthe same thing and expecting a different result.”

Isaid, “I am done asking. I am beyond tired of being shoved down andhaving it thrown into my face. I am now pre marriage in sexuality(Hypocrite I was, I had more sex in that 8 months than I had in 9years...) and I am not going to ask you for it again. If you want it?Fine, by all means know that I am willing to comply. I just don'thave it in me to continue being rejected, after 9 years I havelearned my lesson. You win.”

Shesaid, “Well, I am just weird.”

Isaid, “That can't be the only reason. I doubt it, but I am going toask anyway. Were you abused growing up?”

Shesaid, “Oh no! Never.” (My BS detector agreed, I would neversuspect that to be an issue also.) She continued, “I don't know..Ijust have a low sex drive, I guess.”

Isaid, “Ok, I can agree with that. I can even respect that.”

Soof course it then removed me emotionally from her. Why do all thenecessary things, why add all the necessary ingredients and then gothrough all the motions to baking a cake, just to be forced tolongingly look at it and never actually eat it? So I stopped thecuddling, the hugs, the off handed touches throughout the day thatshe used as her validation. I had no validation from her and no waywas I going to bother anymore. So we had the perfect businessrelationship. We were companions, hang out people, parents inagreement to raise out 2 kids. But what she couldn't figure out iswhy I was pretty much happy that way.

Sheasks me a lot, “You still love me?”

“Yes.”

“Doyou?”

“Yup.”

“Youaren't going to leave me?”

“Nope.”

Contractended overseas after a year and half. I'm still the liar, andhypocrite. I am doing all I can to be with my kids and am playing the'church game' to be with them. I still don't ask for sex. It's beenover a year and a half and I think I 'initiated' 2 times in thatperiod. First 'initiation' was met with rejection again. So now thatwe are stateside I tell her we are going to go the Bishop.

Herwords, “But what will other people think if they find out we seethe Bishop!?”

Thenit hit me. “We gotta get counseling for this.” I said.

“But...myparents, and people, I am worried what they'll think.” Shereturned.

“That'sexactly the problem. In all of your thoughts “I” mean nothing.It's only what “They” will think. So of course..sex is evil..whatif the neighbors knew we had it. You are so worried about what theneighbors think. I am done with them and their opinions onrighteousness. This is us. You must think in terms of me and you.”

Sheagreed, finally.

Inher mind the Bishop is her authority figure. I was hoping to get himto say, “uh..hellooo? You are married...it's OK?”

Wesat in front of him and I just said, “I hold the church indirectlyresponsible for our intimacy issues. I can't 'prove' it empirically,but I feel she has carried the cultural guilt that she has receivedfrom the people who are part of this institution into our marriage.All of the teachings on how evil and bad sex is before marriage can'tjust be pushed aside after the temple marriage 'yes'. So now she has2 conflicting ideals in her head and can't resolve them. Sex isbad...but you must have sex for kids..”

“Well,you are married. It's ok to have sex.” He said. (Kudos to him forthat.) Then to get control of the dialogue he said, “Well, I amjust curious if you had any preexisting expectations on what intimacyshould be like before you got married?”

'preexistingexpectations' was the codeword for = You had a porn problem, right?

Isaid, “I am from a family of all boys, absolutely we used coarselanguage, and had base assumptions on various things. I have heardand told bad jokes. I admit it. As a pretend Alpha Male, I do have ahigh sex drive.” I continued, “My contention is that Joseph Smithwas the only Mormon at his time if you think about it who was a 100%product of 'Mormonism' when he had his visions directly and was giventhe intelligence and knowledge to restore the church. Then he spentthe remainder of his years growing it and keeping outward dogma andexternal ideals from infiltrating. He spent most of his time puttingdown false traditions. But after his death, in my opinion, theyinfiltrated and all the 'personal opinions' and ideals of others weregiven free reign. One of those is the idea that the more you 'deny'yourself the 'holier' you are. I reject that. We are here that wemight have joy. We are told to bridal our passions, not destroy them.When you bridal something, you keep it in check and under control,you are able to guide to the correct path, but once on that path andin the right conditions you can gallop at full speed.”

Thenhe says, “Well you can't gallop forever.”

Isaid, “I wouldn't know...I rarely get to ride let alone gallop.”(Now I just turned my wife into a horse....geesh. I am a jerk.) “Ican't tell you what she was taught during her Young Women's classesby her teachers. I don't know who she associated with growing up. ButI can say that from what I can deduce, it's partly her home life andpartly her religious upbringing.”

Bishop,“Well, I've never noticed any of that, the way you describe it.”

Me,“I mean, her family is honestly the most sanitized group I haveever met. Sexuality, the topic, we all know that in that home it's anunwritten rule that 'sex' is completely taboo to be brought up inthat family. No one will, and no one dares, and no one does. (Her momis the perfect Utah Statistic for Prozac. She has all the symptoms:Stake President's wife and living according to the fear of what theneighbor's think. When she is off her meds she is a wreck. In myopinion, I now know why, but I will concede that depression iscomplex and I shouldn't paint with broad sweeping brush strokes.)

Iwent on to say, “I am honest enough to know you can't force someoneto change. There are a million things I love about my wife. (Andthere are. She is amazing in a lot of ways.) I respect who she is inthat. I can even respect that she has a low sex drive. But thatrespect, and all the ways she is a fantastic person, do not mean Ihave to live with that. (It sounds like all I got married for wassex...but FYI, I can do anything else BUT SEX in the currentsituation with ANYBODY, male or female, outside of marriage...andthat's how it's been with us. So, at the end of the day, if I am notgoing to get my selfish sexual wants met, I will change theenvironment until it is where I am getting my selfish sexual wantsmet.)

Well,after that meeting with the Bishop, she finally grasped how seriousthe situation was. She has initiated more and actually attempted oralsex one time to a degree I would consider it 'real'. But it's not whoshe is. I am grateful to the attempt, but it's just not who she isand the guilt will hit her like a freight train. She just needs tofind someone compatible who is on her level if not more stricter.It's done. I destroyed the hope for her change. And also it's just afleeting change. Already things are moving back to the same and Ialso don't expect her to change. My jerkness is to the degree alsothat I am secretly hoping she doesn't to justify myself even morewhen our relationship ends.

Formore research on book 2 of mine I checked out “In SacredLoneliness”. She flipped. Porn has fallen off the front of her mindnow, but now she is trying to be the 'thought police'. She is nowworried I am reading 'ANTI-MORMON' literature. I have been quiteupfront. I am tired of the guilt this system perpetrates. (Many wouldargue it's because I shattered, pillaged, and maimed my baptismal andtemple covenants, hence the guilt...but I had been feeling guiltstarting at about age 9 when the 'Strength of Youth' pointed out myeternal damnation for masturbation...OH NOES!!! *Runs around withhair on fire...)) Well, sad when the actual history is a threat tocurrent belief. I drop thoughts here and there and ask her manyquestions to try to break open her mind. But it's a lost cause and myheart isn't into it. I don't want to ruin her worldview. But now sheis the 'thought police' and is even more worried about the historybooks I am reading as opposed to Porn. I guess I am just hoping thatafter we are over, I can just prepare her for success with her next'TBM' as opposed to going through a vicious cycle and find another'me'.

Paintingwith the BroadBrush

OnceI found an article on the “Double Bind”...the matrix finally hadsubstance and I could pinpoint all the guilt. Adam and Eve were“Double Binded”: “Don't eat the fruit...to become human...butyou must have kids! And in order to have kids...you have to eat thefruit to be human. So..Do NOT eat the fruit..but you MUST have kids.”They were damned on all accounts...exactly what the binder is lookingfor: You are never good enough, never worthy enough, never prayingsincere enough...ad infinitum.

JosephSmith pulled the same tricks. “Sell the Book of Mormoncopyright!...What!? I can't be wrong...YOU are the guilty one.Oh..well..uh...it was from Satan anyway..or a test..yeah ..a TEST!”

“Heybabe...(door creaks open, in walks husband)..uh..Oh! Uh...nothing tosee here, well, other than God commanded me to have your wife. Yeah!That's it! God commanded me to take your wife! But uh..it's just atest, don't worry, nothing wrong here,..uh..but I will take yourdaughter..she's a spry looking fiery tart..younger and hotter.Fourteen you say?”

I don't believe, life being hardenough as it is, that God will then deliberately mess with us andjerk our chains. Is he that petty? I don't believe so. So I am happybelieving in God, and I even dig the concept of him being in humanform, even to the extent that GodJesusGhost are separate and are theCEO's running the show! I love that doctrine. But that's as far asit goes. In the world of pretend, that's my pretend, as you are allentitled to your 'pretend'. I am not going to jihad anyone or forcethem to see things my way.

Aftermath

The TBM who reads this will say,“HA! The common denominator is PORN, internet, church history andfacebook! DEATH TO TECHNOLOGY!!! We must BAN the internet, we mustchange the history (which they overtly have in some instances) and beat war with Eurasia only...until the prophets say otherwise!”

Tothat I will say, “Porn is the symptom to the greater problem thatno one wants to face. The church is so embarrassed by “TheDeliverance” backwood hillbilly polygamists of the early days whofounded the club, that they now have overcompensated to keep a cleanimage. This in turn has caused them to villify sex and sanitize thehistory to the point of overt lies in some cases to just omitting keyfacts to keep the 'faith promotion' and frame the debate. The churchis in denial about this, so 'Porn' and 'homosexuality' are the newLDS Red Scare. It, the church, cannot bear to even think that itcould be the creator of it's own problem. The church knows...'If welose the women...we lose the church' and so porn is on the sermonoven and the heat has been turned up to full blast and the men whoactually think that 'sex' is necessary have the very real chance thatthey will marry a spouse whose world view on sex is exactly theproduct of the conference talks and cultural society they have beenput through.

Inmy worldview now, pornography is the symptom. Not the problem. Eventhen..if both parties are fine with it..porn isn't even a problem orsymptom. Whatever you do in your own home..and it's legal..and Itdoesn't effect me unless I want it to...GOOD ON YA!

(Myeducated guess / bias opinion) The 'broadbrush' truth: 98.3% of menon planet earth have looked at porn. The other 1.6% are gay...andlook at gay porn. The 00.1% remaining who have not partaken of theforbidden fruit are commandeering the reins of the Good Ship Mormonand projecting their 'work your way into heaven' world view onto us,the sinful masses. Well, I am trying to be like Jesus, I love myfellow man/woman and do all I can to serve others. But I can never belike Jesus for my physical form is not half deity. I am 100% thelineage of Adam, fallen. But, if the accounts are true, he did diefor me. But I hope the “Q” manuscript is true and not just somerewritten mythos taken by others to use and weaponize. Because peopleare only good and no one is looking to usurp power overothers...right?

Ijust do not buy that God put us here to fail and to send us to hell.Life is too beautiful and I intend to enjoy it and help others do soas well.

ChurchIssues aside from what has been mentioned above:

Inthe world of the tangible and real, something can be justified asbeing labeled 'true' if it can be replicated and is repeatable. Inmy book I wrote, it focuses on demons and angels and pre-existanceetc. Then I read all that Joseph Smith had to say about demons andSatan, and there is A LOT. Then it just hit me...how were they havingall these 'visions' / 'spiritual manifestations' / ' Glossololias /Tounge Speaking' / 'Angelic Visitations'...and yet none of thathappens now? It just does not, and for those who claim it does...itthen becomes a matter of sign seeking or not having enough 'faith'.How quaint.

Theanswer hit me like lightning. Is it because God has ceased to be God?Is God not a God of miracles still? I would argue...yes. He is. It isour methods and means in which we approach him and get the visionsthat have changed and therefore it is no longer duplicateable. Thistook me to focus on the Word of Wisdom. Under the current rules andsystem there is no way we can replicate the methods in which JosephSmith and others were able to have 'visions'. They used entheogensand psychotics. It made perfect sense. I went online later...and loand behold someone wrote the same argument. In my opinion the drugswere approached as neutral tools only. How you approached themdetermined their efficacy and outcome. They would darken the windows,bar the door, and then would open with prayer and song and then blesswith prayer and partake the blessed 'wine and bread' of sacrament.The 'laced wine' was kept under lock and key. And ALWAYS after it wasadministered the Holy Visions and meeting would get in fullswing...literally.

Afterthe accusation was presented to that very degree...ta da! Thesacramental wine was immediately changed to water...by revelation. Ofcourse, how nice.

Racism,bigotry, and misogyny of the past along with current Prop 8 reallychapped my hide. If they, the GLBT's have found a happiness andacceptance that is eluding the LDS...why take that away? They aren'teven part of the club. After going through what I have been through,I now take a different view on homosexuality, I am more and moreconfident that it is hardwired. I know how I am in terms of sex. Ilooked at it as a 'choice' only. Well, once the genie was officiallyout of the bottle...I don't see any reason to be forced to hatemyself for it and deny it and self loathe over it.

FromTironian script to all the pretzel logic and cognitive dissonance youhave to engage in to justify theology..I am done. If I am wrong on myaccounts. I don't want the 'clique', the guilt, the “work andnever, ever be good enough.” I am mentally and emotionallyexhausted and tired of it. I will see God at judgment and say, “Well,I was wrong. Sorry. But after reading and hearing all the informationI could get, this was the most educated decision I could make. Whydid you put in me a sex drive? Why? Why give me something and thentell me to self loathe myself for having it?” That baffles mythought processes. I like people. I am friendly. I like people morethan rules. I choose happiness and it can't be found where I was.There are radical changes coming up to my future.

“Sonow he is just one of them 'Leave the Church, but never leave italone' types!”

MyENTIRE life up to this point has been invested in the culture,theology, society of LDSnessness(?). It has taken me a good year of thought andpondering to bring me to the point where I am even able to write thisjumbled mass of incoherency.

Nextstep will be to send my resignation letter. Just not sure exactlywhen. “Oh! He just doesn't have the guts to face up to the programor his superiors...(or however they'll say it). I would in a New Yorkminute. I would go through the 'courts of love' and theexcommunication process etc, just to sate the lust for 'JUSTICE' thatany TBM would desire. Then when given back my 'full fellowship', I'llsend in the letter. I just might in order to have a final 'closure'and to adhere to my personal pretend code of conduct. Where myScarlet Letter and serve my penance. But I don't believe in the'system' anymore and it would just draw out the process. I am sure Iwill still attend church just to go for the heck of it even after Iam done and off the records. I guess I just like the abuse.