I'll start by admitting that I haven't formally exited TSCC, but my actual de-conversion has been a gradual process which began while I was at school- you guessed it, BYU. I grew up in Iowa, which at the end of the 80s only had about 4 or so stakes and has grown to 6 or 7 in the last 20 years. Not many new members or conversions around here - and interestingly, there's a saying around here that "the members here have to be stronger" because there are so few.
My life was spelled out in perfect form before I ever knew there was a problem with that. Always the president of whatever Priesthood Q I belonged to, Eagle Scout by age 12 (my mom was my Webelos leader, giving me a jump start), no dating until 16, no driving until Eagle, straight-As in high school to ensure acceptance to BYU, perfect attendance in early-morning seminary (taught by my mom in my basement at 6am or so), mission plans, etc. Follow that process and do so realizing that I was one of those teenagers who never questioned, never thought to question why.
I put up with the silly and embarassing priesthood interviews. It wasn't weird to me yet that a 50-year-old man would ask a 12-year old boy, alone and unsupervised, questions about masturbation. Never a problem, from age 14 I paid a full 10% of whatever I earned. I was at church every Wednesday night for mutual believing those kids that didn't go were bad members. Until I was 15 or so, more than half of my clothes were slathered in BYU logos because my parents did our school shopping in the BYU bookstore during our yearly vacations to Provo. My mom decorated our house with decals on walls (such as full scripture passages in 6 inch tall lettering) and pictures of scripture stories. Friends that would come over would always ask who Nephi and Moroni were because it was hard to miss their names spelled out on our walls. Sundays consisted of going to church but not spending a minute with friends. Blessing the sacrament at church meant another opportunity to show the world how gentle and humble I could make my voice, you know, so that everyone could "feel the spirit". I would have told you during this era that if you weren't a baptized member of TSCC that you simply ignorant. I was so "blessed" to have the circumstances I had.
And it could have been much worse, too. I felt free. None of the above was forced. To my parents' credit, I was very free. I didn't feel smothered. They were simply chill about everything religion, but were, in every important aspect, TBMs. I was indoctrinated. TSCC, to me, was the very definition of TRUTH. There was zero denying the BoM, JS, Kolob, etc.
Despite being so true, holy, and non-faltering, my favorite activities consisted of gory video games, heavy rock music, and sports. Music has always been a huge influence for me. My favorite band was (is) Tool, but I could never listen to their song Opiate. Funny that a few lyrics from that same song explain how I feel about the very way TSCC makes me feel about my upbringing...
"Choices always were a problem for you.
What you need is
someone strong to guide you.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to
follow,
What you need is someone strong to use you..
Like
me,
Like me.
If you want to get your soul to heaven,
Trust
in me .
Don't judge or question.
You are broken now ,
But
faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.
Deaf
and blind and dumb and born to follow.
Let me lay my holy hand
upon you."
I went to BYU and had what I thought was a great freshman year. I hooked up with a friend of mine and I thought I was going to get kicked out school for getting to 2nd base. I even remember telling my mom about it and she cried: "How could you do this after everything you've been taught?!" Of course I felt guilty. I could write an entire essay on how depression had entered my life countless times as a direct result of the guilt I felt because of breaking moral rules of TSCC. I am sure a doctor could have diagnosed health problems resulting from that guilt. Anyway, I submitted my mission papers - went to Mexico - which is where everything started to change (I just didn't realize it yet). I was a terrible missionary. My teaching methods were forceful. I thought if we were having fun that something was wrong. My MP put me in the offices as the secretary of finance, and in no time the mission hated me. Harshly, I reduced the amount of money was deposited to each missionary to save the church money. I remember leaving the offices and being placed as a zone leader. The very first day in my new area (and for the first time in 8 months with regular missionary responsibilities again) my new companion confessed to the tune of, we are all dreading you being in our zone, our fun is over, this sucks. Something changed in me because for the remaining 8 months in Mexico I didn't do any real work, slept in, played board games at times all day, counted the days, etc.
Back at BYU, I suddenly didn't fit in. Was I simply becoming too liberal for the BYU crowd? Too many free-thinking ideas? Staying in Utah for more than a year this time, I also started to realize that TSCC was different in Iowa from Mexico from Utah. Utah was the worst. I didn't want to become like most people I met. They were on a different level from me. Their idea of what life was didn't make sense to me. Once my friends started getting married and talking about having families, it dawned on me that the amount of time TSCC requires out of higher-responsibility callings was unhealthy and unfair. I don't remember much of my life with my dad until he was released from bishop. Luckily, I was only 11 at the time. But I started to imagine how backwards it felt that such a pro-family organization would require some men to work 40 hours a week as a bishop on top of the 40 hours in their profession. In the extreme rare case that a fully active TBM denies a call to be the bishop, he wouldn't be commended for considering his family and his health, but rather he would be counseled and possibly punished. This is just an example of a criticism I realized once I started thinking freely. I'm sure I'll consider listing a few other things later.
Back to post-mission BYU, girls didn't respond to me at all once my new life after Mexico shot my self-esteem. I did not feel like an individual but as a product. My expectations of adulthood did not mirror my fore-ordained plans. During my JR and SR years at BYU it dawned on me that I was an outsider in the religion. In my final ward, no one knew my name. They knew my roommates perfectly well, and we were always at the same place at the same time. I knew that I was a good-looking guy, plus, if you've ever seen some of the match-ups at BYU, you'd know any guy can end up with a gorgeous girl. No one in the bishopric knew me. They would ask for my name each time they saw me. Despite going to church every week, I was the only person I knew in the ward without a calling. This series of events didn't make me feel offended by the church (some claim people leave from being offended); it simply made me start to consider my life and my religion from a different light, from a different angle. Knowing, as a senior, that my final ecclesiastical endorsement had already been signed, I simply stopped going to church. Not once my last semester did I attend church. Not a soul besides my roommates knew it. The extra sleep was a form of medicine, but it wasn't enough.
The interesting thing during all this was that I thought I was strange. I was depressed. I felt depressed for the final 8 months of my mission, too. I couldn't put together why things were turning so awkward for me. The indulgence of a church-less Sunday was like candy. Not praying was the same- it saved me time and effort from the monotonous drill I had done the previous 23 years of my life. I indulged in keeping that extra 10% from what I earned. It was great to eat food whenever I wanted without feeling like maybe I should pray first. It was nice to know that the state of my morality – which had always made me feel guilty through my entire teenage life – was no longer important to follow.
I started researching. I always had the mentality that TSCC was either true or not true. I had to choose true or false. After some time researching, I began to feel guilty for questioning so I dropped the topic completely and began living in apathy.
I took a job (a year ago) after graduating that has had me working a night shift which covers every other weekend. This provided the means for not going to church – which was the perfect way to avoid the issue with my family, who live in the same city. Now that I've been able to free myself for some period of time from the process of indoctrination, I have been able to analyze my life with very crisp and rational tools.
Doctrinal doubts had been creeping up on me since the mission. I found it inexcusable for some of these doubts to exist without a rational and logical explanation beyond “we don't know, but I'm sure we'll find out why it's that way some time.” I'll list some of my biggest problems. This list doesn't come close to describing the full scope of the doubts I've felt.
How is it even close to rational to believe that humans have lived on Earth for approximately 6000 years? How do you explain archaeological remains and carbon-dating?
Is it rational for a loving and perfect creator to raise up his church in an environment where ~.17% of the worlds populations are members of it? Will he condemn the other 99.83%? Another question: why would he raise up this church under such controversial circumstances as are many that regard JS and BY (among others).
Why aren't temples or temple work described at all in the BoM? Why don't we have any convincing geographical proof of the existence of Lamanites or Nephites?
Why did Joseph Smith marry a 14 year old girl among 31 others
that were not his espoused Emma Hale? Better question: why does
either no TBM know this or question it?
Why are there several distinct versions of the 1st vision? An experience unlike anything that any person could forget a single detail, JS told it several different ways.
How is the lost manuscript any proof at all that JS is a prophet?
Why is there little to no mention of JS's true method of translation (seer stones, the use of a hat)? Why is the story currently told in an obviously altered form?
Why can't church leaders prophesy anymore? Why can't they make bold statements like many have only generations ago?
Why is the most important man in human history (save jesus) able to teach not only that moon people exist but details about them and not be ridiculed for that today? I can't be the only one that thinks this is absurd, and that no inspired man of god would teach something so ridiculous.
Why have temple ceremonies changed? I probably should have mentioned this during some of my explanation above. Temples scare the hell out of me. They always have. Why aren't we taught how the temple ceremony came to be? I feel that far too much of the endowment is “up for interpretation” to be “essential to live with God”.
Why do I feel cheated out of
a normal childhood? College-life? I feel like I have not been able
to explore this world, explore life. I actually know the answer
here, it is because I was indoctrinated from a very early age.
I feel very privileged to have courageously questioned my lifestyle and belief system. I have lived the happiest year of my life since realizing TSCC was simply not what I thought it was. I have started living. I believe society can (and should?) function without the mechanism of religion to keep people in check. I'm not worried about people leaving religion behind. I have not felt guilty for any of those “nasty sins” since my decision to cease calling myself Mormon. Alcohol is great, and I understand how it should be consumed responsibly. I think sex is a natural thing that should be celebrated (also responsibly). Unfortunately for me, whereas living a celibate life is celebrated to TBMs, I now feel so embarrassed.
I do not fear excommunication. If I was told I was excommunicated, I might say “oh” and go right on living my life. I am considering even now removing my name from church records so as to avoid the defamation that comes along with it.
Truthfully, I am scared to death of what my decisions will do to my family. I feel it possible for the rest of my life that I will be considered an outsider to my own family. The Mormon religion has prescribed this situation. The kicker is that I know I can't go back to the lifestyle and religion, even if it means not being shunned from my family. I am the first out of about 25 fully active members on my mom's side of the family. I do not know how they will consider me. And I know that while it makes me sad to think about the future, it is so much better to know that I am living life on my own terms and following my own feelings. I also know that a true god cannot hold me responsible if I am in error. I say this because all of my recent decisions (and my decision to leave TSCC) have been by following rationality as my brain sees it and feelings as my heart interprets them.
I do not have any hard feelings. I feel like a lot was lost in my TBM life, but I also realize that many things have I gained. I will never be anti-Mormon. I will never try to take away a system that works for anyone else. I guess that's why I am so glad to find this online community. If my family continues to prescribe to the Mormon church, and it makes them happy, so be it. And that goes for anyone. So long as it makes them happy...
But happiness to me is feeling free at last..