Having been raised a Mormon, it was as much a part of my psychological and emotional structure as any aspect of culture can be.  It was my identity.  It was my children’s identity.  Even my slightly rebellious and free-thinking teenager relished being identified as “the Mormon girl”.  Living in New York, it made her different and interesting at a time in her life when defining herself is part of growing up.  Questioning that culture has been incredibly stressful and frightening.  Disappointing and hurting my family is even more stressful and terrifying.   I have always avoided conflict like the plague, and this promised to be one very major conflict indeed!  Hah!!  I told them via a heartfelt, gut-wrenching email and got one liners back from them, the gist of which were “do what you want”!  Oh well.  Still, the inner conflict and self doubt is huge.  Is this right?  Am I crazy?  Am I evil?  Will Heavenly Father now completely reject me, never answer my prayers ever again and never send another blessing my way?  Am I signing my own one way ticket to hell?  Will I ever be safe again – does He only protect those who are doing everything they are supposed to be doing?  Will this mean my healthy family will now suddenly all develop cancer and I won’t be able to ask for a blessing to take it away?  Does this mean that after I die I will never see any of my loved ones ever again?  Wow. Panic. 

 

I have always been somewhat rebellious in nature.  I hate being told what to do, even more so when a good reason is not forthcoming i.e. having to just “obey in faith”, or doing things just “because that is what Mormons do.”  I have always maintained that if I hadn’t been raised in the church from the age of three, there is no way I would have joined.  Not because I thought it was bad, but because some people just don’t fit well with organized religion.  I am one of those people.  So was my grandfather – a man for whom I always had so much respect.  I’d like to be able to accept the good in all beliefs and ideas, from shakras and auras and praying to Mother Earth, right  through to Buddhism, running through Christianity, Muslim beliefs and even Greek mythology along the way.  I’ve never had a problem respecting other religions or belief structures, and never had a problem with gay people and felt that everyone has a right to find love.  I have never been racist either, in spite of growing up in South Africa. 

 

But I loved the church.  I loved the comfort that came from feeling I either knew the answers to life’s major questions, or that the answers were out there even if I did not know them.  I had the arrogance to look down on scientists spending vast amounts of money trying to figure out what is “out there” when I already knew.  For freeeee!!  I loved having faith in the priesthood – if my kids were sick they got a blessing and I knew they would be alright.  I loved the fact that there was a social network and assurance of acceptance no matter which country I lived in (Africa, England, USA, Seychelles Islands – we’ve lived in them all).  People were there who thought the same way I did, and were required to be nice to me!  Even though very often I am socially awkward and inept!  Well, except in the Seychelles Islands – there is no LDS church there.  They have an eclectic mix of Catholicism mixed with voodoo and Rasta beliefs.  But the people are all very friendly and accepting anyway – probably because most of them are high on dope most of the time!  Just kidding – although there is something to be said for the whole laid back Rastafarian way of life.  Back to Mormonism:  I loved being useful and fulfilling my callings.  I loved the moral compass that it gave me when teaching my children right from wrong.  Until my children got old enough to really question my instructions and rules.  It’s hard to tell a teenager to do something just “because” – they see right through it and start to regard you as an idiot.  Suddenly I had to think long and hard about how I really felt about things and why I did what I did.  What do I really believe?  Not out of habit, or social conditioning, or brain washing!!   What is really in my deepest conscience – my heart of hearts??  I’ll tell you.  I believe in God.  I believe He loves me.  I believe he answers prayers.  Other than that?  The jury is still out.   

 

I often joked that as Primary president I was simply brainwashing the children. In reality I was only half joking, because sometimes it felt like that was exactly what I was doing.  “Sit still.  Listen.  Don’t move – even if you are only four years old and bored out of your tree. Stop talking. Sing. Repeat after me…”  Wow.  Hitler’s Youth had nothing on Primary.  In retrospect, I am glad I went to primary.  I am happy that I feel close to my Heavenly Father.  I’m glad that I feel I can pray and that God hears my prayers and answers them.  But even that knowledge has been a source of conflict and sadness for me.  Because I have read my scriptures (perhaps not as often as I should?) I have kept the commandments, I have served in the church, and I have prayed to know that the church is true and that the Book of Mormon is true, but I have never received that spiritual witness that it is.  Oh, I have felt good about being at church.  I have felt emotional about hearing how living the principles has helped people.  Every testimony meeting I would shed floods of tears.  It was embarrassing, but didn’t really mean anything because the minute anyone starts crying so do I.  Some idiot could start crying in a movie over his crappy life and the faucets all turn on in my head.  But I felt broken because when I asked for a personal witness, it never came.  So something was obviously wrong with me, right?  I would get clear answers to prayer on smaller things, and clear promptings on daft things like where my keys were, or not so daft things like  my kids needing my help.  But not the big stuff, which should be so much more important, right? Apparently not.  

 

Anyway, so now I am dubious about a lot of the doctrines I was both taught, and spent a large amount of time teaching.  Still, if it keeps our kids off the streets, out of drugs and alcohol, and prevents unwanted pregnancies and incredible heartache, then it’s true, right?  It does do that, right?  Wrong.  A very large percentage of kids will hit their teenage years and do exactly what they please anyway, only they will be burdened with a huge amount of guilt which will destroy their confidence and self esteem, making them feel worthless.  They will not communicate with their parents at the one time in their lives when they desperately need their parents’ help, for fear that they will hurt or disappoint them.  Either that or they will become openly hostile and nasty as a defense mechanism.  They will lie because they will feel like they are the only evil and broken ones and that everyone else is perfect (teenagers go overboard like that – I know, I was one of them).  These negative feelings may even affect their ability to achieve on every level in life, for the rest of their lives.  We were close to that stage with our own teenager, with strained conversations or no communication at all.  Now we can talk openly and happily and the atmosphere in our home is far nicer.  

 

But let me start at the beginning. I met my husband through the church.  He was tracted out by missionaries when he was 18 years old.  He was looking for a religion to help him focus and become a better cyclist!!!  He had noticed many competitors pray or kiss a cross or do some other religious ritual before a race.  Missionaries from various religions had knocked on his door, but never came back.  The Mormons were the only ones who did.  So, because the principles didn’t conflict with any of his personal standards or beliefs, he joined the church.  Without gaining a testimony of the Book of Mormon or Joseph Smith.  But never really feeling that it was necessary.  And I will always be grateful that he did join the church, because I would not have met him otherwise. We started dating, and a few months later he was called up to do his compulsory South African military service.  We went less active, broke all the written rules on chastity, and did not once feel guilty as we loved each other very much.  So much for conscience!! 

 

We came back to church after we got married, and got sealed in the temple a year after that. I had to really push my husband to do this which hurt my feelings.  Did he not want to be with me forever??  We were about to move to the Seychelles Islands to run a scuba diving school – he could get trapped under water and die!  And I would never see him ever again because we weren’t sealed!  The panic was real for me. I didn’t realize that he didn’t believe the temple ceremony would guarantee that.  He already believed we would be together forever anyway, because love is an eternal thing that spans things like death.  After a year in the Seychelles, with no death incidents thank goodness, we returned to South Africa. We had three children, and my husband baptized all three of them, and we became “core members” in every ward we attended, holding many callings and spending vast amounts of our time fulfilling them.  But at home, I would get stressed out and cranky and resentful towards my hubby because we didn’t have regular family prayer, or regular scripture reading, or proper family home evening.  I felt that he should be leading our family in that.  I worried that he obviously really resented paying tithing.  For years I felt really lonely because I felt we had different levels of commitment to the church.  I didn’t know what was wrong, I just felt something was off.  When I questioned him about it he would just do the silent, passive aggressive thing, and I would give up in favor of keeping the peace.  

 

I felt like we were the perfect Mormon family on the outside while many things closer to home went to hell in a hand basket.  We weren’t “Jack Mormons” by any means!  We kept the Word of Wisdom, said our prayers, asked a blessing on meals, wore modest clothes (much to my teenager’s frustration) and even paid tithing (reluctantly) but I am an all or nothing person, so felt that if we weren’t doing EVERYTHING right, and not only just doing all the right things but having the right attitude about wanting to do them as well, then we were in deep trouble.  I would suppress feelings of guilt and memories of doing things wrong till they quite literally no longer existed.  Schizophrenia? 

 

A few weeks ago, I was just feeling so tired.  Physically tired, emotionally tired and tired of stressing about my calling as primary president.  I would dread Sundays.  They were never a day of rest or rejuvenation.   While at church I would love being with the children in primary, but getting there was a chore.  I worried that when I was given names to pray about for callings within primary, I never felt able to receive that inspiration.  I felt like a fraud, but felt that if I kept trying, one day everything would click.  It didn’t, and after being primary president for a year I told the Bishopric to just call whomever they felt was right and leave me out of the equation.  They were perplexed but agreed.  I lived with constant guilt that I had no real desire to go to the temple regularly, and that cursing was a habit I have never quite been able to kick in the arse.  Well I am sorry, but my genealogy is all British and no-one curses as well or as amusingly as the British, except perhaps the Scottish.  Quite frankly I see it as an inherited talent!  Although I do find blasphemy offensive and have never wanted to use God’s name as a curse word – I guess a real indication of what I do truly believe!!.  I felt bad that I watched some R rated movies because I didn’t think there was anything really wrong with them, and stressed that I could never be the perfect Mormon that my friends in the church were.  I had no interest in learning church history (my mistake – I would have realized the error of my ways far sooner if I had researched church history!)  or going on a pilgrimage to Palmyra or Nauvoo. I always renewed our subscriptions to the church magazines but never read them.  I would welcome General Conference weekend as a week off from church.  I hardly ever did my visiting teaching and that made me feel really bad for the poor women I was responsible for visiting.  I hated waking up early to have a fight with my eldest daughter every morning about getting to seminary on time.  And I have to say, a twenty minute drive to Seminary at 5:40 a.m. in the freezing cold and pitch dark with ice all over the NY roads which are falling apart is a REAL test of faith! 

 

Suddenly, the rebellious side of me kicked in big time, and I candidly asked my husband how he would feel if I said I did not want to go to church any more.  He was a councilor on the Stake Young Men’s presidency at the time.  I expected him, as always, to listen, be understanding, and love me anyway, while attending church with the kids while I sorted myself out.  I was in for a shock!  He told me that he has had serious doubts about the validity of the church’s formation and rules, and about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, right from the very beginning.  But years ago when he tried to tell me about his doubts and concerns I reacted like I expect most True Blue Mormons do – with horror and intolerance and fear.  I would not listen.  Even though I had doubts myself I would not accept that the church wasn’t true.  I didn’t realize that in order to keep our marriage and our family together, my husband decided that the church wasn’t a bad place to be even if he didn’t believe all of it.  I love him even more for doing what he felt necessary to keep our family together, especially as he had to oppose his own parents at times who have never been members, and that must have been really hard for him.   He has had no problem whatsoever with stopping going to church.  He helped me write our letter to the Bishop and Stake Presidency saying that we needed a complete break while we figure out what we really believe.   

 

And then it started to become apparent to me that other high profile families in the ward weren’t getting it right either which further rocked my faith.   What bishop gives his child vodka to help him get over a cold??  Not only is that against the word of wisdom, I think it’s illegal!!  So there goes our belief in “obeying the laws of the land” too!  I kept hearing of many families who had serious problems with their teenagers rebelling against the rules and this causing major conflict and breakdown of family relationships, some even to the point where they no longer knew what normal healthy relationships were.  But the church was still true right?  I started to wonder.  The rules are so clear.  The consequences of breaking them even clearer.  Surely there is no room for a middle ground.  Either you live the gospel or you don’t!!  Wrong again.  So many members live in happy blissful ignorance that they create by willfully ignoring those aspects of the gospel that they either disagree with, or cannot conform to.  Again, near schizophrenia.  And just for the record here, I don’t think schizophrenia is a healthy state of mind!  We recently received an email from a member whose son had returned home early from his mission.  He was asking us to pray for his son, who had “remembered” sins he had committed, then buried deep in his subconscious and not confessed to before going on mission.  Now he was wracked with guilt, and a sense of failure, and his whole family was suffering.  Who sends out an email like that??  Who publicly embarrasses their child like that??  Let me guess.  The boy, like 99 percent of all teenage boys and most teenage girls, both in and out of the church, had discovered masturbation.  I honestly don’t believe that masturbation is wrong!  I believe it is simply part of growing up.  Discovering and learning about your amazing human body.   I don’t believe it makes you gay, as some church leaders have incorrectly claimed.  I don’t believe it makes you evil or vile, and I don’t believe it hurts your soul.  I DO believe that the guilt and self reproach forced on people because of misleading and incorrect beliefs  ARE very harmful indeed.   I believe the horror in the reaction of a parent to their child when they discover that the child (often at a very early age) is masturbating, is incredibly harmful to that child.  It makes them feel they have done something absolutely awful and have been rejected by their parents – the very people that should love them unconditionally and without whom they cannot survive.  This is crazy! 

 

I get the whole “no sex before marriage” goal, even if it is unrealistic – unwanted pregnancy, unwanted babies  and broken hearts are a huge problem in and out of the church.  Surely solo sex is then a solution, not part of the problem!  Also, education is a solution.  We are so scared to teach our youth about protected sex because that would mean getting them to think about sex.  News flash!!  They already are.  Church attitude to sex is still stuck in the dark ages, and LDS members are paying the price.  How many youth rush into marriage too soon, before they know the other person well enough?   Point in case:  my sister’s first marriage.  She hardly knew the guy, but they wanted to get married in the temple.  So after only knowing each other six weeks, and not wanting to break any chastity rules, they got married.  Seven years later she finally divorced him because he was a physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive bastard.  She was too ashamed to tell anyone, and suffered alone.  He would refuse to let her use the bathroom then mock her and call her filthy and disgusting when she had an accident. Her husband continued to hold callings within the church, but at night would make my sister sit in a chair while he held  a loaded gun to her head and told her all they ways he could kill her and no-one would ever know because he had military training in how to do just that.  I am not kidding.  Why would any truly inspired leader call such a man to any position of responsibility within the church??  The first Bishop counseled her to pray, forgive and keep her marital covenants.  I know, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I heard that too.  They moved, and her second Bishop asked her why the hell she hadn’t gotten out of that abusive relationship years ago!!    She is now married to a wonderful man who was raised atheist who treats her like royalty and is good and kind and loving because he just is, not because he is obeying some rule. 

 

The church doesn’t stop invading your private life there.  Even after marriage you are told what and what not to wear at night, and what kinds of sexual relations are acceptable between a husband and wife and what aren’t!  Only very recently have bishops stopped questioning what type of sex lives married couples have, and only question their monogamy.  Which is as it should be.  Loyalty, and monogamy are good things.  Even swans get that concept.  Although I know a lot of other animals don’t so my theory falls on its face a bit.  However, my point is, why would the rules suddenly change, if they were inspired in the first place?  If it really was such a big deal that married couples never have oral sex, or that they wait a certain number of days after the birth of a child before having sex, or that they only have sex in order to fall pregnant, why would the rules suddenly change?   I’ve had one bishop tell me it is sinful to French kiss even after you are married or to have sex in any position other than missionary.  I’ve had another Bishop say anything goes as long as the relationship is monogamous and both people consent to whatever shenanigans they get up to! 

 

Bear with me while I vent about another pet peeve:  WHY are gay people such an object of horror, and hate and rejection?  Sure, some people choose to be gay.  But  MOST DON’T choose.  You can TELL when some people simply have a different hormone balance within their bodies.  I honestly believe that homosexuality exists in nature, is normal, and is not condemned by the very God who created it.  If sex were only for the perpetuation of the species, then homosexuality  would not exist in other animals.  But it does.  In almost every single species.  In the wild as well as in zoos.  Many scientists have theories to try to explain animal homosexual behavior as illness, stress at being enclosed in a zoo, or displays of power to establish dominance.  However, when these bonded couples are split up and put with females of the same species, they show no interest in bonding with them.  Sometimes they even pine for their same gender mate and some even die. And now studies of homosexual behavior is being done in the animals' natural habitats and it is just as prevalent there. I hate that people who are gay have to go through so much self hatred because their screwed up beliefs don’t allow them to be who they really are.  Some even choose suicide as a preferable alternative.  That is insane.  Some choose to marry and live as heterosexuals anyway, which is unfair to both people in the marriage.  Mormons are now taught to treat homosexuality as an illness, or disability, like being blind.  Blind people are not excused from keeping the rules, and neither are gay people.  Well that is comparing oranges and apples.  You cannot compare your ability to function in life as a blind person with your ability to function in life unable to ever feel completely accepted and loved for who you are.  It is a basic human need. 

 

This “intellectual and spiritual awakening” has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have gone from being sure I am doing the right thing, to feeling like I am not sure of anything, and back again.  I have no need to get all angry with the church, or say nasty things about previous prophets.  I’ve read about their many wives, some of whom were only children, and others who were already married to other perfectly decent men.  I’ve read about some of the weird “prophecies” and rules that have subsequently been refuted.  None of that means anything.  I have to go with what is in my heart.  I take full responsibility for having chosen to be a member my whole life.  If I was duped, shame on me.  No-one forced me to be narrow minded or just follow like a sheep.  I was always told that I was free to choose, and to question, find out for myself – I just didn’t till now.  I don’t need to find proof that I am making the right decision in order to justify it.  I just have to feel it is the right thing to do in order to do it. 

 

Some of the issues I have with some basic principles and beliefs are these:   

 

My first issue:  If the church and everything it teaches is true and right, then living by its rules and principles should make one feel elated, focused and happy.  So why is depression a huge problem amongst LDS members?  Why did I feel worried, scared, depressed, unhappy, moody, rebellious, tired, like I was incapable of ever getting anywhere or doing anything right, and that I was  a crabby, domineering, pedantic, religious control freak of a mother who alienated her family on a regular basis?  Why did I feel constant guilt?  And why do I feel so much better now?  People say “Mormons look so happy”  but if you look a little closer, you’ll see it’s a fake Mormon smile (the Utah Mormons do it the best) that they learn to fix on their faces.  If you catch them unawares, the smile is so often replaced by an extremely grim expression and it is usually while they are sitting in sacrament meeting! 

 

Second issue:  I don’t believe that the ONLY people on this earth that can be with their loved ones in the next life are those that have been married in a Mormon temple.  That makes no sense. 

 

Third issue:  Some of the temple rites and rituals make me uncomfortable.  I’ve never been able to define why.  They just do. 

 

Fourth issue:  I don’t believe homosexuality is a grievous sin.  I don’t even believe it is wrong.  I think it is as much a part of nature as heterosexuality. 

 

Fifth issue:  Mormons are taught to be tolerant, but in reality the very nature of what they believe requires them to be arrogant.  Most of my Mormon friends are intolerant, and arrogant, although New Yorkers are probably more open minded than many other Mormons.  It used to bother me.  Now I understand.  I am having to learn to rethink things; see things in a more open way.  It’s not easy to let go of the arrogance that is always tied to “humbly” believing you are the only one who has it right. 

 

Sixth issue:  Basing the finding of ultimate and all encompassing truth i.e. the ONLY way to return to our Heavenly Father, on emotional response when emotions are so unpredictable and so influenced by our upbringing and culture and state of mind, is a flawed system and I believe God is more understanding of us, His children, than to expect us to do that.  I believe that God loves all His children and answers all their prayers, regardless of which organized religion they do or don’t belong to.  His only criterion is faith. 

 

Seventh issue:  If gospel rules and standards are for the weakest and simplest among us, why are they so damn near impossible to adhere to for the vast majority of the members? 

 

Eighth issue:  If Mormonism is the only way for people to find salvation, and the entire earth needs to hear about it and become converted in order to make it to heaven (whatever or wherever that is), then we are falling badly behind.  Also, the number of members quoted from the General Conference pulpits is misleading, as it is based on names of members on record, when many, many of those members have left the church and just not had their names officially removed. 

 

Ninth issue, albeit a petty one:  The church teaches that family is more important than anything else, then promptly takes away most of your family time. 

 

Tenth issue:  Psychological problems affect Mormons just as much as non-Mormons but we feel we cannot go to a psychiatrist for fear that they won’t have the same perspective, beliefs and understanding that we have.  But what if that is a GOOD thing? 

 

Eleventh issue:  we are told that Heavenly Father would never allow an uninspired or unworthy man to stay in charge of His flock.  So why are there so many abusive, bad, clueless bishops in the church, and why are they left in their position of authority?    Our leaders have no training as ecclesiastical leaders.  They have no psychiatric or social worker training either.  They are volunteers who have full time jobs which means you are imposing on their personal time when you need them.  Which explains why there are so many bishops out there looking like they have the whole world on their shoulders.    I feel bad for them.  They are not equipped to deal with our personal problems, even if they feel they have been given the “keys” to fulfilling their calling.  In story after story bishops give conflicting advice and instructions that cause damage to the people they are counseling.    I have to ask this question:  if you have to have 2 missionaries, 2 home teachers, 2 male teachers if they are called to teach in primary (now isn’t that scary?) then why do we trustingly send our teenagers at their most vulnerable, most emotional and most confusing time of their lives in to talk alone with one untrained man who feels he has to ask them about very personal things.  This is wrong.  Obviously not all bishops are bad.  Most of them are good men doing their very best.  I love our Bishop dearly as a person and feel really sorry for him because our decision hit him like a bolt out of the blue.  And I know that because of how he still thinks, he is going to in some way feel responsible for our decision.  But a lot of Bishops are just as confused as the next guy and can cause untold, if unintentional, damage.  

At this point I need to say how sorry I am.  Years ago my brother in law held the position of Bishop and when he was faced with the reality that the church was not true, he did a very difficult thing and left.  He didn't pretend, or cover up, or lie.  He had to deal with the shock and sorrow and pain of feeling like he had been mistaken.  He felt he had been duped, and lied to.  Was I understanding?  Did I try to see things from his point of view even if they weren't my point of view?  Nope, in TBM fashion, I was unaccepting, mean-hearted, cold and judgemental, mostly because his actions frightened the hell out of me.  I wondered how he could do it.  Just turn and walk away.  I hope one day he will forgive me for being such an arrogant, intollerant bitch.

 

Twelfth issue:  So much of what we do in the church is done because of a sense of obligation or guilt.  Point in case:  visiting teaching and home teaching.  The panicked making of appointments in the last couple of days of the month.  The apologies for being a “bad” HT or VT.  Honestly, if someone wants to come and visit me, they are welcome.  If they feel they have to come and visit me, I’d really much rather they didn’t bother.  It is awkward!! 

Thirteenth issue:  why do we now give priesthood responsibility to immature 12 year old boys who have so many other issues to deal with without having this extra burden of guilt and responsibility, when in the first days of the church it was only given to grown men?  These changing principles worry me.  Surely what was right in the beginning is still right?  Changes made in the temple covenants, ceremonies and procedures, and changes made when social pressure makes things like excluding Black people from holding the priesthood an unacceptable practice.  Principles like not being racist are eternal principles, not new ones.  I wonder what else is going to change in the future? 

I have other issues but this is getting boring now.  You get the picture! So here I stand at the brink of forever.  Not sure what to expect.  Eating too much because I am an emotional eater yet at the same time thinking – don’t be so stupid!  You actually get to wear attractive clothing now!!   You should be losing weight, not putting it on!!  Especially as you have an appointment to get your rebellious navel pierced next month and it won’t look good on a fat belly!  Somehow the biggest surprise is how calm I feel.  Not guilt-ridden.  No longer panicked.  Still close to God, and excited about opening my mind.