To grow up Mormon was like growing up without your own personality. This occurred to me first when I was a teenager, to have any questions or thoughts that didn't agree with Mormon belief was not ok.  I remember asking some questions and being told I just needed to pray and have more faith in God. I came to realize this was code for you need to not be asking questions! I tried to read the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine & Covenants but it all seemed too far fetched. I liked the family views (even though my parents didn't attend, they sent us kids) and going to camp and dances, I must admit my youth was full of fun activities because of being apart of a large ward. When I was 18 I remember watching on the news that the Prophet had a vision and now African Americans would be allowed to hold the Priesthood! This seemed so insulting to me. I grew up in a area with all races of people and didn't understand the whole African Americans couldn't hold the Priesthood thing.  That day was the first time I considered pulling away from the Mormon religion.

It was 10 years later that I'd had enough.  When my children were little I'd take them to church even when I really just wanted to stay home and enjoy a nice Sunday at home (it was my husbands only day off). when I talked to my Bishop about staying home occasionally he said that was a bad idea and I should keep coming no matter what. I was so passive when it came to my church. Now I can't imagine what the hell I thought I need anyone's permission to stay home and enjoy my family, rather than drag my kids to church and feel miserable. I always had to do visiting teaching even when women would ask us not to come we were to visit anyhow since it was for their own good, you know! We had to mark everyone on our list off as visited each month. I remember going to the bishop once to ask advice and feeling afterward it was so wrong and I would never humiliate myself again by asking for the bishops advice. I started to realize I had never learned to trust myself or have my own feelings & thoughts, I'd taken the churches word about everything to believe & think! I hated that you weren't supposed to do anything on Sunday but worship and if I spent a great day with my family doing something else besides going to church, I felt so guilty. I remember when the church would take us (I was 13 the first time I went) to the Phoenix temple to be Baptized for the dead and Sealed for couples that were deceased. I was Baptized for 35 people and Sealed for 20 couples. Now that I think back on it this seems so creepy!

I was told people outside the church didn't know true happiness for Satan deceived them all the time, their smiles were fake and without real joy because they didn't have the gospel! Well I can tell you now from over 20 years away from the Mormon church that I know true happiness, I would never have been happy had I spent my life in that church. I would never go back. I don't hate Mormons but the religious beliefs are not to be trusted to take you back to God. Trust yourself and you will find god if you're really looking for him!