You really want to know why? Are you sure? 

Condensed version = I grew up in the church cult doing everything they ever asked of me, yet I still never got the holy Test I Mony that everyone else seemed to have. I could still occasionally pretend to bare that Test I Mony and say all the right words, even crank out a tear or two, but I never felt that Witness.

What I did feel like was a complete and utter failure of a human being.

Just like the cult wanted me to feel... so that I'd be too scared to figure out why I felt so completely miserable despite doing everything a good molly was "supposed" to do.

After a lifetime of pretending, hoping, praying, paying, obeying, ... and hating myself more and more with every passing year because I was such a molly failure... I think that something inside of my finally snapped. One Sunday, the blinders suddenly disappeared. They didn't slowly dematerialize, I didn't accidently take them off. They were just suddenly not there. 

And my world was never the same afterwards...

Which has been a very VERY good thing.

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... hopefully I will be able to add to this/edit it as my thoughts gel enough for me to put fingers to keyboard and make at least a modicum of sense.