Well I was born and bred European LDS. We had two stakes in my home town and the Church programmes were fully implemented in a strict sort of presbyterian way!

 

In 7 months into mission, I was at a packed church building for a baptism of 6 new members. The place was so full the cultural hall was seated as well. Everyone was feeling the spirit and the musical item was pumping up the emotions level. And I looked around and realised how deluded everyone was. I did not feel the emotional manipulation and I was partially responsible for this manipulation. People were changes their lives and I had convinced them. I started to cry as well but my crying was disturbing the people around me as it was deep heartfelt sobs of dispair which sound distinctly different. I had to excuse myself and get it together outside. I told my companion it was not true. I verbalised it! We went home and immediately he called the Assistants and they sent me to stay over with a missionary who was a friend and then they planned a small holiday at a spa! I got it together pretty fast as I realised what this would mean for my family and I towed the line by justifying my staying.

 

As I finished my mission, at the farwell with the Mission President, I was subdued. Time for reflection was not what I wanted.  To make matters worse I knew I could not go home and escape as it would be the same. Sadly, It was not the same but worse, as some of my non-member extended family had been taking the lessons and were converting as well and I was to baptise them. The shock was awful as I realised I could not leave yet as these people were family and were fragile.

 

At BYU, I was a Nibly Scholar, Hinckley, University Trustees, Covey- Gardiner scholar and it  provided me with opportunities to study more church history. The feelings of being lied to were now getting meat on the bone as I was presented with half truths, distortions and outrights lies from the Leadership. As Gospel Doctrine teacher, we were reading BoM and I decided to address the Black/Lamanite issue head on. The reading was even more alarming. I discussed with my flat mates and before I knew it I was in the Stake presidents office. Someone in my appartment had 'fessed up about my extracuriccular study.

 

As a homosexual, you realise that if this is not true then your whole life based on this untruth and advice from liers could be way too complicated and hurt too many people to allow such doubts to continue.  I told my girlfriend about my church doubts and the homosexuality. I actually did love her, but just not in the way she wanted, needed and deserved. She dropped out of school and was heartborken for a while but I knew I could not lie and let someone else's advice ruin our lives. 

 

I left BYU and went home to Scotland to deal with my family and extended family before I could leave the Church.  Sadly, even at University there people around me kept wanting to join the Church. It was so annoying.  When one of my friends ( Afghan daughter of the former Finance Minister now in exile) joined the Church we had a great time but finally her father threatened to withdraw her financial support and send her back to Afghanistan to live in poverty under the Taliban if she kept attending LDS services. She was a TBM but the prospect was terrifying. She stopped attending on Sunday but kept reading scriptures and set aside a Sunday block to read her SS  & RS lessons. However, all the LDS YSA basically dumped her socially, emotionally even on seeing her on campus. They vocalised negative opinions on her. This caused her even more grief! I tried an experiment and did not go to Church for 4 weeks.......no-one called me or came over or even tried to ask what was going on! 

 

This was the straw that broke the camels back.  I went and told my family and extended family the whole truth as I could not lie to them. It was tough and we decided that I should resign from the Church and leave the country for a while. However, this was not to be.  

 

Church Leaders would not allow me to leave. They ignored the resignation letter. It was discussed in toilets at Regional Church  Leadership meetings, and I finally had stake president member turning up at my work place, at university brow beating me and digging and digging. It was already an awful period to realise and admit that all you knew was a lie and have to deal with family but the pressure was "cult-like" from the leadership. My parents and friends felt the pressure too. 

 

Finally, I was excommunicated for apostasy two months later. People I knew all my life and who had converted through our family were told they could not have a Temple Recommend as I was still welcome in their home.  This was from a Bishop who had homosexual experience while he was young and allegedly had a criminal record for exposing himself. My family continued to attend Church as they had all their lives until about five years later when they had to admit that they could not in good faith teach the majority of the Sunday School manual. 

 

My leaving and the circumstances have been a catalyst for people around me. This was not ever what I wanted but life does not always go as planned. My seminary teacher, young mens president, parents, brothers and sisters, best friends, former bishops, school friends and some cousins have all now stopped attending the LDS Church. Their inactivity is not unintentional but planned and based on principle. This is consoling.

 

I miss Church sometimes and this is to be expected.  I now attend my old home ward for sacrament meeting only. I get to be with some of my best friends and their family. The service is for me ritual, hymns, and a collective opportunity to reflect. Some of the TBM think my presence confirms their testimony, some of them hate me being there as it causes unnecessary questioning. I choose not to act like an ex'd LDS as this is playing tehir game.  Personally, their opinions on me are none of my business and they made up their minds a long time ago. 

 

I am grateful for my upbringing and people they taught me principles even if the basis/dogma around the principles were fabrications. People do their best in life and sometimes we are decieved even by those we love.  Tough luck but no-one escape without influencing others unintentionally for good and bad............as they say "Love the sinner, hate the sin". I dont feel the need to bash up my TBM friends as how you live your life says more about you than what you say.