The Following is an explanation I wrote to give a more detailed answer for why I left the church to family and friends who asked.
I anticipated friends asking for a more in depth explanation of why I left the church, so here is an attempt to put into words the many things that have affected my decision. Some may say that these things don’t affect their testimony, and if that’s the case I’m glad for you, but they are more than I can overlook. This is not written to one particular person.
I have always had my doubts ever since I was young. I always thought it was just a weakness of mine. As I grew older, and did my best to live according to the commandments, I was disturbed by the fact that all my righteous living was not leading to the testimony promised. I read my scriptures regularly, I prayed, I kept the commandments, and yet still didn’t get the answers to my prayers about if the church was true. I thought maybe for some reason I just wasn’t worth it to God to give me an answer. This of course made me very depressed, especially when I saw the other guys my age many of whom would brag about their sexual experiences with their girlfriends, and then still administer the sacrament on Sunday and claim to have great testimonies and spiritual experiences. I’m ashamed to say I made up many stories myself to seem cool like they were, but the truth was I never even had a real girlfriend in high school. I kept going on doing the right thing, without getting the answers to my prayers. I had some spiritual experiences, and I would try to use those to build my testimony, but in the end these experiences didn’t really have anything to do with whether the Mormon Church was true or not. I went on a mission even though I wasn’t sure, because that is what I was supposed to do.
My serious problems with the church started on my mission. The MTC was fine, and it was a good experience. But when I got into the field I started having problems. My first companion was a good guy. He was very stalwart, and taught me well. I thought, if he can know it is true, then maybe I just have to keep trying harder. I did, but to no avail. While I was on my mission, I started having medical problems. Problems I had in the past, and had to have surgery to correct before. I went to a doctor who was a member. He confirmed that it was the same problem and I did in fact need surgery. I contacted my Mission President, and was given a blessing by the other Elders in my apartment. I was on a plane home the next morning. When I got home my Stake President had arranged for me to be seen by a doctor who was also a Bishop in the stake. Since he would see me for free, and he was a bishop, I thought it was great. That was a big mistake of mine, but really started my questioning of the church. I went to see the doctor/bishop and he told me that there was no problem at all. That I must have been healed by the blessing and that I could return on my mission. What a great testimony builder, right? WRONG. I went back out into the mission field and continued to have the same problems. I went to see another doctor who confirmed that the problem was still there, and that there is no way a doctor could have missed it. This really bothered me since I had been pronounced healed, and it isn’t something that could come back that quick. The doctor said that I would indeed need surgery again. I again called my Mission President. He was confused and said he would get back to me about it. A couple days later he called me back and said that he had planned to have a conference call with my Doctor, my Stake President and the Doctor/bishop I saw back home, but he was busy during the call so the others had the call without him. He told me that my Stake President told him that they all agreed that there wasn’t something wrong that needed surgery, and that perhaps I was trying to get out of being on my mission. This made me livid. I did not understand how the Doctor out in California could tell me I needed surgery, and then tell my Stake president that I didn’t. I told my Mission President that something wasn’t right, and I wanted to talk to my doctor again. I set another appointment with him and asked him what exactly was said during the conference call. He told me he insisted that I needed surgery, but that my stake president and the bishop/doctor both said that it could wait until after my mission, and therefore I should just be told there is no problem, otherwise I would be too distracted. He said they questioned his ability as a doctor and he finally told them that since they had no desire to listen to his input, he would hang up. This of course made me very angry. I called my mission president and explained the situation, and gave him my doctor’s phone number so he could confirm the story. He said he didn’t need to, and that he would be sending me home. (I still wonder if he was in on the lie or not.) I was again on my way home the next day. This time I asked to be released when I got home and I confronted my Stake President with what I was told. He denied it, and said that their only concern was for my health. I told him it didn’t seem that way, and left. Even though I was seriously questioning my faith now, I still went through the motions. I went to church, went to institute, and continued to follow the churches rules. I desperately wanted answers to my questions, and wanted to know desperately that the church was true. Despite reading my scriptures and praying regularly, the answer never came. Meanwhile, I started dating my brother’s ex-girlfriend, and ended up getting engaged to her. We were married in the temple. While sitting in the celestial room before being sealed, she asked me, “Are you sure you want to do this?” Inside me a voice was saying, “NO” and I wish to this day that I had listened to that voice and ran out of there. Needless to say I didn’t. I won’t go into details but suffice it to say my ex-wife was extremely abusive both physically and emotionally (which literally started the night we got married). I stayed for almost 3 years because I thought that is what a good priesthood holder would do. We separated a couple times, and I even told my bishop about the abuse. He didn’t seem to care, and was more interested in being credited with saving our marriage. Our “counseling sessions” with him were nothing but tag team attacks on me. I finally said, “Screw this, I’m out.” By then we had a 4 month old child. When I finally filed for divorce, my temple recommend was automatically taken away. Hers was not, even though the church was aware of her abuse of me. I suffered through the rumors and gossip about how bad a person I was for abandoning my wife and child; however that was better than the abuse I suffered. Fast forward to when I was engaged to my current wife. We wanted to be married in the temple too, but that would require going through the Prophet to get approval to be sealed again. When I went to my Stake President to discuss the process (the same Stake president as from my mission) he laid into me about how I abandoned my family, and how the church rarely approves of divorce, and that there would likely be discipline issued. He had not even asked me what happened, but was strictly going on what he heard from other people, and my ex. This pissed me off, and I went off on him, setting him straight about what really happened, and reminded him that if anyone should be disciplined, it was him for lying about my problems on my mission to keep me out in the field. He apologized and agreed to start the process. My ex of course refused to cooperate with the process by writing the necessary letter, therefore my current wife and I were married civilly first. We continued to try to get through the process to be sealed. It wasn’t until my ex wanted to be sealed to her 3rd victim that she finally wrote a letter for us. Of course her letters both for her and for me were completely full of crap (she accused ME of being abusive) and my letters both for her and I was strictly about the facts. We both sent in our petitions about the same time, (mine to be sealed again, hers to cancel our sealing so she could be sealed) I wasn’t worried at all because I figured; this is going to the prophet. If anyone would have the revelation and discernment to see through her load of crap it was him. I was wrong. Her petition was granted, and several weeks before mine. I couldn’t understand how the prophet would let someone as purely evil (and yes she is purely evil) as her to go to the temple. Many people tried to ease my concerns with things like, “well she’ll get hers in the end” or “maybe the prophet knew, but let her go anyway.” However, if that is the case, then what is the point of the long drawn out process in the first place, if it didn’t really matter. This was a turning point for me, because now I wasn’t just upset about how local leaders had treated me, or how other members had treated me, but I was truly questioning the truthfulness of the church and whether the prophet really was a prophet. However, shortly after that we received our approval to be sealed, so we were very happy, and I forgot somewhat about those problems at the time. I was just happy to be able to be sealed to my family. After that, more questions kept arising. I had many personal issues, and other problems that I won’t go into, but that just kept building on my questions. I became inactive, had a huge falling out with my family, and ended up moving out to Ohio. Again there were more issues that caused more questions. I finally decided I would find out for myself if the church was true. Since I couldn’t get an answer, I would find it. Keep in mind I was trying to prove to myself that the church was true. Not the other way around. I did not read “Anti-Mormon” material. Rather I read many books by Mormon authors, some General Authorities. I read the Doctrine and Covenants more in depth than ever before. I read talks from early prophets in the Journal of discourses, and of particular interest was a book called “My Life’s Review” that was compiled from the journal of an ancestor of mine named Benjamin Franklin Johnson. I found many inconsistencies in a lot of what I read, but nothing was a jarring as what I read in “My Life’s Review.” To give some background, Benjamin Franklin Johnson Joined the church back in the beginning of the church. He was a close personal friend of Joseph Smith, and served as his body guard a few times. He served several missions, and was very faithful. He never left the church. In his journal he records a conversation he had with Joseph Smith in which he asked Joseph where the lost tribes were. The conversation went like this:
I asked where the nine and a half tribes of Israel were. "Well," said he, "you remember the old caldron or potash kettle you used to boil maple sap in for sugar, don't you?" I said yes. "Well," said he, "they are in the north pole in a concave just the shape of that kettle. And John the Revelator is with them, preparing them for their return."
That was a direct quote from the book. Many apologetics from the church explain this away by claiming it is taken out of context, or saying that clearly Joseph was just stating his opinion, and not actual revelation. These arguments don’t hold any water with me because if he were simply stating his opinion, he would have said so, and not have spoken so matter-of-factly. If you are a prophet, and someone asks you a question because you are a prophet, you don’t answer with your opinion. You answer as a prophet. Clearly we all know now that there is no secret cave at the North Pole with people hiding out. I tried to find other references to this, and found that Joseph told other people different stories, that were equally as bizarre. One was that they were on a planet that was orbiting the earth that had separated from the earth, and would reunite with the earth when the tribes returned. Needless to say these things really rattled me. I finally started to come to grips with the fact that the church may not be true. I realized that maybe the reason I wasn’t getting an answer is that I wasn’t asking the right question. All along I was praying to know the church was true, when I should have been praying to know the truth. Once I did that, I received my answer, and that came as a voice that said, “You already know the answer.” I realized that I had been getting my answer all along with all the evidence that the church wasn’t true. I just didn’t want to see it that way, and saw the answer as something to overcome. Once I realized this, I continued to do more research, only this time I made it more balanced. I didn’t stick to only “church approved” literature. I soon learned why the church didn’t approve of this literature. It was because it was very damning evidence against the church. For instance, the fact that the scrolls that Joseph Smith claimed to have translated the Book of Abraham from turned up in a museum (they knew they were the same because the facsimiles shown in the Book of Abraham were on the scrolls as well.) Egyptologists translated them, and stated they were nothing more than Egyptian Burial records. (This makes you look at the facsimile that supposedly shows Abraham about to be sacrificed in a very different light.) The church of course neither confirms no denies this, but rather ignores it. Apologetics claim that the Book of Abraham was encoded on the burial record and only the Prophet could decipher the code. There were many other damning evidences that the church wasn’t true, that I will not list all here because it is not my aim to convince anyone of anything, but to give my story. Plus I think it means more if someone does the research for themselves. That way you don’t have to take my word for it. In the end, however, it all comes down to this. The truth can withstand ANY criticism. The church cannot. I feel very happy with my decision, and am more at peace with myself and my life than I have ever been in the church. I hope you can read this and respect me. If you are reading this, you probably know me pretty well, and you know I am an honest person, and one who truly tried to follow the church’s teachings. You know I’m not the kind who would leave the church just because I didn’t like the rules and you know I wouldn’t make such a big decision on a flight of fancy.