Hi Everyone,
I have been lurking here and on other sites and posting a little and thought I would introduce myself and why I am here. I was BIC in a bedroom community of SLC. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old and my dad has never really been a part of my life since. My mother is an incredible person; strong and caring and fairly liberal for a Utah mormon. Part of my attitude toward the church comes from watching her go through the divorce and the treatment she received. For example, although my dad was the one who cheated – my mother was the one that was shunned. My dad was disfellowshipped, although according to church doctrine he probably should’ve been exed. However, my mother did not want that to happen because she thought it would reflect badly on the children. My dad got remarried very quickly and after a short time of inactivity was back in all the way (temple marriage, made a bishop, etc.). My mother was not granted a temple divorce until several years later and when we lived in Utah was always looked down on because she was divorced. We also were fairly inactive, but definitely social mormons. My mother put herself through school and became a teacher for a short time. Like I said, she is a very strong woman.
Anyway, my mother eventually remarried a man from TN. We moved there when I was 16 and a JR in high school. It was a hard move for me and the only friend I had for the first several months was a boy who lived a few houses down. Knowing little about sex and less about birth control, of course, I got pregnant. That was when things with the church got ugly. We were pretty active in TN and my mother called in LDS Social Services. Although my boyfriend wanted to marry me, he was a bit shy and scared because he was 19 and I was only 17. The social worker convinced my mother (who felt like the whole thing was her fault because we had moved) that adoption was the only way to go. In fact, that is the church policy. Either marry the boy (if he is a member) or give the baby up for adoption to an LDS couple. Plus the guilt was overwhelming. After all, I had committed a sin that is to this day compared to murder in the church. I also felt like I had let my mother down. Both of us were so plagued by guilt that we let LDSSS take over. They packed me up, sent me to GA to give birth. I lived with a foster family I had never met before, I was not allowed contact (or very limited) with my boyfriend, and only saw my mother once or twice the 3-4 months I was there. I was told if I changed my mind about the adoption I would have to pay all my living expenses and my medical expenses (I didn’t know that my medical expenses were being paid by my insurance). And I was also told I would be excommunicated if I didn’t go the adoption route. I was routinely told I would be a bad and selfish mother to try and parent. I was not allowed to see my son until I got out of the hospital and signed the papers, and only then for a few minutes. I was told to go home and forget and I could have children the “right” way one day. And I tried to do everything they told me. But I also realized I was and would always be, damaged goods.
I married less than 2 year later (to a wonderful nevermo). Three years later I had another baby, then another, then another. We lost our last son to SIDS when he was 6 days old and from that time on, although I was again very active in the church, I began to question church doctrine. In a way it was comforting to think I could raise my son after the resurrection, but it was horrible to be told that if I screwed up – the deal was off. It was also horrible to hear that he died because “he was too good.” WTF!!! Anyway, I worked hard to be "good enough" to raise my baby after the resurrection. I went to the temple and tried to do everything right. In the meantime I went back to school. It took me many years and 2 degrees (a B.S and a M.Sc.) to get to the point where I realized just how badly I had been treated in the church and how stupidly wrong the doctrine is. I still beat myself up about the length of time it has taken me. Why I didn’t fight back at 17 is beyond me. I know the guilt was paralyzing, but I lost my firstborn because I didn’t fight back! And why did I keep going to a place that rubbed my face in guilt every moment of every day? Most of all, why did it take me so long to use my otherwise pretty good critical thinking skills, to figure out that there is no way TSSC could be true. I figured out other religions pretty quickly.
Anyway, my DH has been supportive every step of the way. He always let me do whatever I thought was right and although I tried to convert him, he always did what he knew to be right. We agreed that our children could go to church with me, but when they were old enough to choose, it would be their choice. When they both chose not to participate in TSSC anymore it broke my heart. But it also was the push I needed to reevaluate my beliefs. TSSC encouraged me to think of my children as lost or sinners. It encouraged me to change my relationship with them. I hated sitting alone every Sunday after they left the church. Families First my a**!
It felt like I went to church alone for years, but in reality it was only a year or two. Their abscence was one of the things that encouraged me to rexamine my beliefs. The other thing that caused me to "rethink" the church was my search for my firstborn. The search and ultimate reunion brought back some very painful memories. I had buried much of the pain associated with his relinquishment and most of that pain came from TSCC. One day, after missing church, I remember thinking about the consequences of never going back. What would that mean for me? If the church is true it would mean living for eternity in the terrestrial or tealestial kingdom instead of the celestial kingdom. And I realized that my my children and my DH (and all of my dear friends) would not be in the celestial kingdom AND, I didn't want to be the 15th wife of a man I didn't love having a zillion spirit children. Frankly, the thought of the celestial kingdom, as described by the church, made me feel ill. This gave me the push I needed to finally take a critical look at TSCC. And it only took me a few hours to verify what I already knew. The mormon church simply isn't true. Since I had fairly thoroughly debunked other religions (for myself anyway), I now classify myself as agnostic.
Anyway, my mother and stepfather are still TBMs and I have not officially resigned because I don’t want to hurt them. But I haven’t been to church in about 5 years. Just thinking about reentering the building gives me hives.
I hope to make many friends here. Thanks for reading,
Deb