Mormon Eddie:  The True Story

Little Eddy was born into a loving Mormon family.  His mommy and daddy kind of forced him to go to church but he went along with it.  They would often take him to a room and beat him with a belt when he acted up in sacrament meeting  but little Eddy was only responding to the arrogance he saw in the people of his ward.  One day young Eddy was in a get-together and and needed a place to sit because the meeting had just started.  There was only one chair left.  Eddy said “oh there is a seat, I think I will go sit there”.  All of a sudden a little pencil-neck Mormon-boy stepped in front of him and took the seat before Little Eddie could sit down on it.  Little Pencil-Neck Mormon boy thought to himself:  “I am glad I took little Eddy’s chair from him.  It will help me survive in this dog-eat-dog world when I grow up so I can make lots of money”  Little Eddy began to see how his life as a Mormon was going to be.

Little Eddy then became a teenager.  He was taught how masturbation is wrong and you shouldn’t ever do it.  He thought:  How does everyone else keep from doing it?  It’s impossible to stop doing something like that.  You would have to be superman or have some kind of extraordinary genes to not masturbate.  Or maybe they don’t have to do it because they are guaranteed marriage because of being well-off enough to support a family or being good-looking.  Little Eddy just went on with life and kept beating-off anyway.  Next thing you know they are telling Eddy and and his friends not to have sex with girls.  They tell him how you can get a girl pregnant and that it is not good for them to have babies at such a young age.  So little Eddy’s teachers keep saying it over and over again and scaring Teen Eddy and makes him worry he will make a girl have babies.  So scared Teen Eddy makes a resolution to himself that he better not go on any dates till he becomes an adult even though other boys and girls his age are doing it.  After all, Teen Eddy does not want to get any girls pregnant.  Little did Teen Eddy know that their abusive control of sexual things would cause problems all his life.

So Teen Eddy decides he needs a new friend.  One boy he knew from his church group was always getting labeled as a trouble-maker.  Little Eddy wondered to himself:  “I can see why this boy is a troublemaker.  People don’t become troublemakers when people are nice to them.  Therefore he must be being treated bad by other members of the ward.  The church even teaches that Christ said you should make friends with these kind of people anyway as long as you don’t do what they do.  This boy needs a friend.  I think I will start hanging around him.”   Next thing you know, teen Eddy’s parents become angry that he is hanging around with the troublemaker.  Teen Eddy gets called rebellious by his mom and dad and other people.  Teen Eddy is now labeled as “rebellious” for the rest of his life. His mom even tells him he is like Laman and Lemuel when he won't obey.

One day Eddy goes to a boy scout meeting.  A member of his ward was the scoutmaster because the scout program was run by the church in the Mormon state.  Eddy didn’t like wearing his neckerchief because it was very uncomfortable.  Some of the other boys didn’t either.  The scoutmaster became very angry and Eddy wondered why anyone could be angry over such a small thing.  The scoutmaster took Eddy and two of his “rebellious” friends into a room and yelled at them.  He also broke a table and was throwing things around inches from where they were sitting.  Eddie was very concerned about the scoutmaster because he was always like that.  He wasn’t sure the guy should even be in a position like that.   One day in an interview, he told a bishop’s counselor about it.  The counselor defended the scoutmaster and wouldn’t do anything about it.

  Next thing you know, Teen Eddy’s teachers are saying over and over again not to use drugs, alcohol and things like that.  They also say when you start out on something smaller, it will always make you go to something bigger.  Saying those things over and over again makes Teen Eddy scared and it weakened him.  Finally, Teen Eddy is given some things that he isn’t supposed to take and he is so weakened, he ends up using them anyway.  

So Teen Eddy’s mom decides it is time for Teen Eddy to get his Patriarchal Blessing.  So Eddy and his mom goes to the patriarch’s house to get the blessing.  He sees lighted candles and other things and it looks as if the patriarch and his wife really prepared for this.  It seems to  Eddy to look like a  room where you get psychic readings even though the church has always said those kinds of things are bad.  So the patriarch asks little Eddy what his hobbies are.  Eddy tells him “guitar and art”.  Then little Eddy wonders why the patriarch needs to ask such things because he thought the patriarch was supposed to know everything about his life.  Eddy also wonders if he should have even said to the patriarch that he likes guitar because then the patriarch could automatically assume he is listening to rebellious music.  So the patriarch lays his hands on Eddy and gives him the blessing.  Then the patriarch’s wife prints it out and sends it to Eddy.  Eddy goes over it and many of the things seem very nice but little Eddy missed some of the bad things because he was so happy to get his blessing.  One thing Eddy did notice is that the patriarch said he would show the “finer qualities of good people” in his art.  Eddy decides it must mean that he will paint portraits of people.  But Eddy wonders why because whenever he paints portraits, they end up looking like Lady Elaine on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  Later in life, Eddie wondered why the patriarch told him he would be “discouraged and despondent” and why he also said his life would be too heavy for him if he didn’t obey every thing that the church was saying.  It sounded like a death threat to Eddy.  He also later wondered why he never received most of the promises even though he worked his ass off for them.  

So Teen Eddy goes through school and decides to try to do what the leaders in his church say, even though many of those things seem a little strange.  He gives up beating off and follows the word of wisdom and everything else.  He becomes old enough to decide for himself whether to go to church or not and decides it would be better if he didn’t go.  After all, his church wasn’t very good to him and none of the teachings really worked for him.  But he still obeyed the law of chastity, the word of wisdom, and everything else they said.  He even stops swearing and other such things.  He even kind of figures he might serve a mission when the time comes.

So the time comes when Eddy is old enough to serve a mission.  Bishop National Guardsman calls him into his office and Eddy decides to say yes.  Eddy then goes through the temple for his endowments.  He sees that they charge money for some of the things in the temple.  Eddy thought that Christ didn’t like that.  So he goes through his endowments and they do many strange things and one old guy touches him softly near his no-no area during a strange ritual where you are half naked.  Eddy also realizes that they make you do strange gestures which mean you will be killed if you don’t obey what they say.  He also starts wearing the strange underwear, and when he goes to the store to buy it, he wonders why it costs so much.  Eddy swore he would never wear that strange underwear because he always saw his parents wearing it and it wasn’t very sexy to him.

Eddy then has his interview with President Dullard.  Eddy thinks to himself:  “isn’t this one of the ward members who called me rebellious when I started hanging around little troublemaker”?  President Dullard then asks him over and over again if he needs to confess of any sins.  President Dullard also says “you are going to have heavy baggage on your mission if you do not repent”.  Eddy wonders if President Dullard is accusing him of sinning.  Eddy also thinks to himself:  “I repented over a year and a half ago so why would I still need to confess”.  So Eddy gets scared that he really will have “heavy baggage” and come home from his mission early.  After all, Eddy has heard many stories of missionaries who have sinned that have ended up coming home early.

Then Eddy has his mission farewell and the subject he is given to talk on is “How the Church has made me happy”.  So Eddy gives a talk on how the church has made him happy.  He gives a few scriptures that relate to the subject and talks about what he thinks the church teaches about the being happy.  The very next sunday Mr.  Farmer, who Eddy has known and respected all his life gives a talk on the same subject.  Mr.  Farmer says the exact opposite of many of the things Eddy said in his farewell talk.  Eddy wonders if Mr. Farmer is accusing Eddy of teaching false doctrine.  So Mr. Farmer goes on in his talk and appears to be thinking that it is his job to set the ward straight so they aren’t deceived by Eddy who used to hang around his troublemaker nephew.

So the new Elder Eddy goes into the Missionary Training Center in Provo Utah.  Elder Eddy thinks they are teaching some very strange things.  Elder Eddy gets his first companion.  Elder Eddy can see that his new companion doesn’t like him.  His new companion ignores him as much as possible and appears to think he is much better than Elder Eddy.  It seems to Elder Eddy that it is because his companion appears to be rich.  Elder Eddy thinks back to how most of the members in his ward acted the same way.  Elder Eddy’s new companion often hurts Eddy’s feelings over little things.  Elder Eddy becomes depressed.  

Elder Eddy  finishes the MTC and goes to London, England where he was called to go.  It is his first time being in another country.  This is Elder Eddy’s first chance to make some new friends.   He meets his new trainer Elder Idaho Spud.  Elder Eddy and Elder Spud go to a store to buy some snacks.  Elder Eddy proclaims in delight how great it is to buy snack with a new form of currency in a new country.  Elder  Spud then makes a sarcastic remark.  It makes Elder Eddy feel bad.  

Elder Eddy then goes to his new area outside of London with Elder Idaho Spud.  It is his first day knocking on doors.  He begins to knock on a door and  Elder Spud is standing behind him and the person inside the door cracks the door open.    Elder eddy makes his presentation and the person inside decides they aren’t interested and closes the door.  Elder Idaho Spud then becomes irate about  how Elder Eddy handled it.  Elder Eddy was just trying to be himself but Elder Idaho Spud is mad because Elder Eddy didn’t do it exactly as he was told!  Elder Eddy thinks to himself  “I was one of the best salesman in my whole county when I was a paperboy for 6 years”.  I won a nice bicycle and other things and was even in the newspaper a few times.  Why can’t I just be myself?  If I use my own personality, I think we can talk to more people about the gospel.” So Elder Eddy and Elder  Spud go tracting for much of the rest of the day.  Elder Spud keeps giving sarcastic remarks and Elder Eddy becomes discouraged.  Little did Elder Eddy know, he would just become a robot for the rest of his mission.  Elder Idaho Spud then makes friends with an old man who tells Elder Eddy that he will “never make it 2 weeks in England”.  Elder  Spud seems to love that.  Elder Eddy is then with Elder Idaho Spud for the next four months.  Elder Spud asks him to give his input but when he does, Elder Spud makes a nice sarcastic remark.  Elder Eddy also gets told such things as:  “you can’t beat me up because I’m bigger than you” and  “you have no soul”.  Elder Eddy wonders where all this is coming from.  Elder Spud seems to think he knows how to read minds.  Also whenever Elder Spud talks to someone else, he talks about “stupid greenies” and how great it is to humble people.

Elder Eddy soon realizes that many of the missionaries would use dishonest tactics to baptize as many people as possible.  Also, most of what Elder Eddy was expected to do was somewhat dishonest.   

One day Elder Eddy and Elder Spud were knocking on doors and they came across an inactive member.  The member was very angry at the church and asked Elder Eddy and Elder Spud to have her name taken off the church’s records.  Elder Eddy though to himself “That’s a damn good idea!  I really need to do that someday!”  Elder Eddy was happy.

One day Elder Spud is riding his brand shiny new expensive bike while Elder Eddy is struggling to keep up because his bike is old and falling apart.  Elder Spud seems to think he is stronger and more muscular than everyone because he has a nice new bike that is easy to ride.  So Elder Spud gets so far ahead of Elder Eddy that he can’t see him.  Then Elder Eddy thinks he sees a bus come by and the next thing you know he flies over the front of his bike and hits his head on the pavement.  The scenery turns into a strange dream and he loses consciousness.  Then a nice ward member and her family comes by and sees Elder Eddy and takes him to the hospital.  They wonder where Elder Spud is at.  Elder Eddy then gets to the hospital and  the doctor tells Elder Eddy that he has a mild concussion and needs to stay overnight.  Elder Idaho Spud shows up later and Elder Eddy wonders if Elder Spud is mad at him for taking away precious tracting time.  

All the time Elder Eddy is thinking what he should do about Elder Spud’s abusive behavior.  He can’t really talk to Elder Spud because he just gives sarcastic remarks.  He can’t really call the district leader because he doesn’t know how to buy or use a phone card and he would have to break the mission rule about being with your companion at all times.  Plus the district leader would have to go through all the ranks and they would probably just schedule an appointment with the mission president instead of letting Elder Eddy talk to him on the phone.  Then the mission president would control the whole conversation.  It would also take a whole day to go to London and Elder Spud would be bitching the whole way wondering what was going on and worrying about precious tracting time.  Elder Eddy also thinks about telling his family in letters he writes every week but decides that isn’t a good idea since the latest big thing is to read letters from your family with your companion.  Elder Eddy wouldn’t want Elder Spud to find out.  Elder Eddy doesn’t dare talk to anyone else he knows because Elder Spud seems to be liked by everyone because of how he says he likes to humble people and stuff.  That is how Elder Spud makes friends.  

One day Elder Eddy was on a workover with Elder Surfer.  Elder Surfer was a stereotypical California surfer blonde.  Elder Eddy and Elder Surfer were teaching someone and it was Elder Eddy’s turn to teach.  Elder Surfer decided he didn’t like how Elder Eddy was teaching and snatched the books out of his hands and took over.  Elder Eddy wondered why Elder Surfer did that.  Elder Eddy was only trying to learn how to teach.

So Elder Eddy gets a new companion named Elder Accountant.  Elder Accountant has the most clothes that Elder Eddy has ever seen.  Elder accountant has to use Elder Eddy’s bed for studying because his bed always has a pile of clothes on it.  Elder Accountant tells Elder Eddy that he has permission from the mission president to go jogging in the morning even though it’s against mission rules because the mission president himself does it.  So Elder Accountant goes jogging every morning and often comes back hours later saying  he was giving “Book Of Mormons” to homeless people and such things.  Elder Eddy has a hard time keeping track of Elder Accountant because he would sometimes disappear and come back saying he was teaching a Turkish aupair the gospel or some such thing.

Then Elder bodybuilder becomes  Elder Eddy’s next companion.  Elder Bodybuilder is upset about leaders demoting him for a trivial thing in his last area so he wants to stay home all the time and lift weights and eat raw eggs and such.  He tells Elder Eddy that he wants to become like Arnold Swartzenegger.  Elder Eddy thinks this is cool and can stay home and lift weights with Elder Bodybuilder instead of working like a robot all day long.

Elder Eddy is then moved to London and becomes Elder Executive’s companion.  Elder Executive wants to run a corporation someday.  One day Elder Executive makes fun of Elder Eddy because he doesn’t remember how to play tennis.  Then Elder Golfer becomes his companion.  Elder Golfer used to work at a golf course.  Elder golfer and Elder Eddy go golfing every p-day.   Elder golfer tells Elder Eddy that he needs to BS more.  Elder golfer is just joking but Elder Eddy is kind of mad because he has been told that all his life.  He wonders how people bitching is going to help him.  Then he gets a companion from Birmingham England named Elder Photographer.  Elder Photographer loves photography.  Elder Photographer wakes Elder Eddy up every morning on purpose with strange horn music recordings.  Elder Photographer is just joking around and Elder Eddy thinks it’s a little funny but also annoying.

Elder Eddy is now become more depressed and is having nightmares about going home early because of what President Dullard said.  

His next companion is Elder Drummer.  Elder Drummer is obsessed with playing the drums and rock music.  He even lights a candle every day.  Elder Eddy wonders what this symbolization could mean.  Elder Drummer liked telling jokes.  Elder Eddy was very depressed at this time and didn’t laugh.  He didn’t find the jokes that funny anyway but he would have laughed just to go along if he was actually happy.  Next thing you know, Elder Elder Eddy gets an interview with the new mission president named President Businessman.  He is an English businessman who Elder Eddy thinks must have got rich and then retired so he could become a mission president.  Elder Eddy hears that a lot about many of the highest leaders in the church even though the same people always say money is bad.  So Elder Eddy is at the interview and President Businessman tells Elder Eddy that he has no sense of humor and needs to make a joke book.  Elder Eddy wonders if Elder Drummer cried to the president about not laughing at his jokes.   

So Elder Eddy and Elder Drummer move to a new area and they share a kitchen with some other Elders and a few other people.  Then Elder Eddy gets a companion named Elder Annoying.  Elder Annoying has to do everything perfectly.  He also uses his hairspray near Elder Eddy.  By that time Elder Eddy’s head is spinning and his eyes are going around in circles.  He can’t take anymore.  The mission rules made it so he had to be working all the time and he is exhausted and depressed.  He then spends two whole weeks in bed, has a hard time eating much and can’t sleep good.  He won’t even go to church with his companion so Elder Annoying is with Elder Eddy all the time.  Elder Eddy then feels depression like he never knew possible and thinks all kinds of crazy thoughts.  So Elder Speed Metal calls President Businessman.  Elder Speed Metal is cool to Elder Eddy.  He listens to speed metal on his mission and uses speed metal to attract investigators.  

So President Businessman decides that Elder Eddy is one crazy person and sends him to a regular doctor and then a shrink.  Elder Eddy wonders why President Businessman did that.  Elder Eddy then goes to the shrink and doesn’t say one word to the shrink because he is depressed and upset that President Businessman would do that.  Elder Eddy then talks to the assistant to the president Elder High And Mighty.  Elder High And Mighty sits behind the largest most expensive looking desk Elder Eddy has ever seen.  He wonders why an Elder who is supposed to be an equal gets put in such a high position.  Elder High And Mighty then advises Elder Eddy to get a puppy to help his depression.  Elder Eddy wonders how he is going to get a puppy on a mission, plus it’s against the rules.  

So President Businessman then decides to send Elder Eddy home without actually showing much love.  So Elder Angry is chosen to “escort” Elder Eddy home on the plane.  Elder Angry is mad because he can’t serve the rest of his mission because of an injury so he takes it all out on Elder Eddy.  On the plane he goes berzerk at Elder Eddy for eating his vegetables first.  He also apologizes to the stewardess when Elder Eddy didn’t get out of his seat fast enough saying that Elder Eddy is mentally slow.  Elder Eddy is a very intelligent person, he was just depressed at that time.  Elder Eddy began thinking that his church was trying to kill him secretly.

So Elder Eddy gets home and meets his family in disgrace at the airport.  They take him home and all the neighbors find out about it.  Eddy knows it is a bad thing to be sent home from a mission.  He continues being depressed and even the beautiful snow and being home is hell to him.

Then President Dullard wants to talk to Elder Eddy and basically tells Elder Eddy “I told you so” and forces a confession out of Elder Eddy even though he had repented more than one and a half years before his mission.  President Dullard gives Elder Eddy the choice to finish his mission or not even though President Dullard seems to think rebellious teenagers shouldn’t go on missions.  Elder Eddy works with the missionaries part time while at home for one month.  Elder Eddy is very depressed but he wants to finish because people look down on those who don’t finish.  Elder Eddy is then put in a threesome in a city near his home.  He is again told he is crazy and sent to another  shrink so they can figure out if he can go to another state to finish.  The senior companion tells some other elders that he “hates being around rejects from other missions”.  Elder Eddy wonders if the senior companion knew he was in the room.  Elder Eddy’s other companion wants to be the dominant companion and won’t let Elder Eddy drive at all.  One Sunday, Elder Eddy his companions give a talk in one of their wards.  Elder Eddy goes a little short on his time and the senior companion goes crazy and insults Elder Eddy in front of the ward.

Elder Eddy is then sent to Seattle Washington for his last four months.  He is given a companion named Elder Wanky.  Elder Eddy wonders if Elder Wanky is masturbating at nights in the same room as him because Elder Wanky has a girlfriend on his mission.  Elder Eddy soon realizes that this mission is very relaxed compared to London.  Many of the missionaries break a lot of the rules.  Elder Eddy likes that and sort of wishes he got called to this mission.  Elder Wanky liked to  chew Copenhagen and one day forced Elder Eddy to put a request in the mailbox for a free sample of tobacco.  Elder Wanky would also chew Copenhagen with the landlord and wouldn’t let Elder Eddy go with him.  One day Elder Eddy and Elder Wanky were at a party.  Elder Eddy was still used the London Mission and thought he should watch his companions closely.  Elder Wanky began having a gigantic shit fit about it and said “stop following me around”.  

One day they were at Elder Wanky’s girlfreind’s house with her and her mom.  They were members of one of the wards.  Elder Wanky went into another room with his girlriend for a short time.  Elder Eddy couldn’t do much about it and wondered what they were doing.  
Another day Elder Wanky wanted to go to Canada on a boat.  Elder Eddy would have liked to go but said “no” because he had heard a silly idea in the church that missionaries shouldn’t go on boats because Satan has power over water and likes to kill missionaries.  Plus it was against mission rules to leave the mission.  Elder Wanky decided not to go.  

Elder Eddy and Elder Wanky had a car.  The mission took the radios out of the mission cars because they had the silly idea that music was a bad influence.  One day Elder Wanky had a great idea and traded a voice recorder for Elder Eddy’s portable music player.  Then Elder Wanky hooked it up in the car and Elder Eddy and Wanky had some great music to listen to.  Elder Wanky also bought a nice ghetto blaster and played some nice music that the church leaders didn’t like.  Elder Eddy kind of liked this companion because he did some of the very same things before his mission.  The only problem is Elder Wanky liked to be the dominant companion and wouldn’t let Elder Eddy drive at all.  He also called Elder Eddy a pedophile for accidently teaching a 9 year old girl about the law of chastity.  Elder Eddy was still reeling from the London Mission’s strange practices and left that part out.

One day Elder Eddy recieved a phone call from Elder Baldy the district leader.  Elder Baldy was going bald and was always worried about it.  Elder Baldy wanted to talk to Elder Wanky.  Before Elder Eddy could go get Elder Wanky, Elder Baldy whispered something strange on the phone.  Elder Eddy wondered if he had said “you’re going to commit suicide”.  Elder Eddy wasn’t too surprised because it seemed like a thing many Mormons use when they don’t like someone.   After all, the church founder Joe Smith prophesied about how a guy would die of a broken heart once and then it really happened.  Elder Eddy had also seen others doing the same thing.  Even though it didn’t surprise Elder Eddy, he still felt bad about it for many years after.

So Elder Eddy finished his mission and went home.  He was never given any kind of leadership position or became a senior companion or trainer like everyone else he saw did.  None of his companions let him teach much even when he was out of the London Mission where they allowed you to read out the the discussion booklet.  Elder Eddy read the scriptures many times over, even during lunchtimes when he wasn’t eating.  He even used a regular dictionary and a popular bible dictionary written by a Mormon scholar and other scholars  so he could understand them.  He even prayed time and time again about whether the gospel and the church was true but never got an answer except that it wasn’t true.

He got home and threw all his mission photos and other things away because he couldn’t bear the horrible memories.  He forced himself to go  to college, even though he was depressed from his mission.  He was again told he was crazy by an instructor for some unknown reason and send to the college psychologist.  Eddy wouldn’t have been surprised if the instructor was a Mormon.  In one of his classes, a pencil-neck, much like the little pencil-neck Mormon in his youth, went berzerk because a minor detail that Eddy left out.  Eddy wouldn’t be surprised if he was a Mormon as well.  So Eddy dropped out and never wanted to go back to college.

Eddy was sad that his family didn’t understand about his mission experiences.  One day he was hanging out with his brother and teasing him like most brothers do.  Eddy’s mom became concerned and overreacted and called the police without sitting down and talking to Eddy.  The cops didn’t talk to Eddy either and handcuffed him.  The handcuffs were too tight and Eddy begged for the cop to loosen them but he wouldn’t.  The cop also said “I am doing this for your own protection”.  Eddy wondered if the cop meant he was going to beat him with his baton if he tried to get away.  The cop also said other things to intimidate Eddy.  Eddy was wondering why after he chose to go on a mission people stopped liking him and overreacted to everything he did.  Eddy was taken to a mental ward in a general hospital where he was labeled a schizo even though he was not.  A crazy guy didn’t like the way Eddy looked and threatened to punch him in the face.  Then that night he was put in a bed next the the same guy.  All night long the guy made sexual comments and Eddy thought he was going to be raped.  There was also a man in the room that stabbed himself after a fight with his girlfriend.  Eddie wondered why all these things could be happening after simply choosing to go on a mission.  After two days Eddy’s family let him come home.  Eddy’s wonderful relationship with his family was never the same after that simply because of going on a mission.  Eddy’s mom even tried to kick Eddy out of the house and put his belongings on the front lawn and locked the door.  Eddy was able to stay despite his mom trying to kick him out.

After Eddy was labeled a schizo, they shot him full of drugs.  He was forced to see a psychiatrist for 20 years.  They never listened to Eddie.  The problem could have been solved by people talking to him.  Eddie wondered if they were keeping him there just to make money off him.  They never appeared to care.  Eddy decided to stop taking the drugs and stop seeing the psychiatrists.  They would accused him of being in a bad mood and would even give him mood enhancers.  Eddy thinks they were in a bad mood.  Every time they were in a bad mood they would increase his medication.  Eddy wondered why all kinds of silly things happened after he chose to go on a mission.  Eddy knew he was a stable person.  His mission was what caused the problems.  Eddy thought his church was supposed to be better than everyone else and be nice to people.  He knew many of these people had to be Mormons.

Eddy was jobless a lot after getting labeled a schizo.  When he did work it was very hard for him.  He had nightmares for the next twenty years.  He had all kinds of crazy thoughts and depression like he never knew possible.  He even thought he had denied the holy ghost, even though he hadn’t.  He would spend hours writhing in agony in bed.  His best friend wouldn’t even talk to him anymore.  He vomited most days for about two whole decades.  He lost interest in the hobbies he had before his mission.  Before his mission, he was happy and healthy but now he was not.  

He decided to confront as many of the people he could that did him harm on his mission and simply tell them they hurt his feelings.  President Dullard forced himself to say sorry even though he didn’t want to.  He then went back on it and reinforced his own story.  Elder Spud just gave Eddie a wonderful personal insult.  Eddie sent a letter to Elder Surfer but the letter was sent back to Eddy.  Eddy later found a current address and Elder Surfer never replied back.  Eddy talked to Elder Wanky’s wife and left a message for him.  Elder Wanky tried to avoid Eddy.  President Businessman made poor excuses.  Eddy couldn’t find any of the others.  Eddie later talked again with President Dullard and Elder Spud.  Eddy was able to make some small progress but it wasn’t very satisfactory.  Eddy would have though they would try to repair things or at least say sorry because that is all the church talks about all the time.  After all, Eddy read the “Miracle of Forgiveness” three times cover to cover and did all the steps of repentance to people he had wronged.  He even paid back money to someone who had their purse stolen even though he wasn’t directly involved in it.

Eddy had ward members give him personal insults and joke about him.  He went with his dad hometeaching and received insults there as well.  He even tried to stop going hometeaching a couple of times to one of the families.  One of the people he hometaught said a strange thing.  She hoped her son would get in a car accident because she thought it would straighten his rebelliousness out.

Eddy stopped going to church and tried to throw away his strange underwear several times but just couldn’t seem to get rid of them.  He would cut up the symbols and then began burning them so he wouldn’t desecrate their ultra-sacred super-duper religious importance and burn in hell for all eternity.  He took them to places such as dumpsters in parks in the middle of the night so his mom and dad wouldn’t see that he threw them away.  He finally was able to stop wearing them and went on with his life.  Eddy wrote a nice long letter to a stake counselor about things on his mission hoping for some kind of emotional support.  The counselor never replied.

A guy at one of Eddy’s jobs (who was probably a Mormon) wouldn’t let him take hours off so Eddy could keep his government disability for being labeled a schizo after going on a mission.  Eddy quit the job in disgust.  Eddy was put between a rock and a hard place when his dad offered to help him get a job working for the church.  It is ironic that Eddy was now working for the same people who had caused so many problems in his life.  He was even cleaning crap off their toilets while everyone else was raking in the money.  He saw all kinds of strange things going on at BYU and found himself writing a letter to human resources every month with a short list of human rights violations towards him and other people.  He was called gay three times simply for things like looking at someone.  He was called a slave in two different instances in a figurative way.  He was called mentally ill by a building security guy.  Eddie couldn’t figure out why because he was only walking down a hallway and the guy walked up to him and started accusing him of being mentally ill.  He saw many strange mottos on signs and in the school newspaper that seemed very evil and nazi-like.  He even talked to a big whig about some of his concerns and the big whig became pissed-off and got revenge in a Christmas card he wrote to everyone..  Eddy  saw money wasted on all kinds of remodeling that was unnecessary.  It seemed they wanted all the nicest, newest things.  It reminded Eddie about how his own brother who laid brick on church buildings and BYU buildings said that they buy the most expensive materials instead of what worked best.   It made him angry because they wouldn’t even let him work more hours when he asked or even give him a full-time job after working there 13 years.  They gave everything to the students first.  He even saw a few of his friends forced to retire because of very trivial things.  His own dad had his life threatened by one of his bosses at BYU and said he would “push his face in glass”.  He saw many angry people at BYU and knew of others even before he started working there.

One day Eddy went to Bishop Butthole  looking for some emotional support.  For some strange reason Bishop Butthole’s face went red and steam began coming out of his ears.  Much to Eddy’s surprise, Bishop Butthole was nearly pounding his fists on his desk.  Next thing you know, Bishop Butthole sent a paper to BYU saying that Eddy wasn’t going to church.  Eddy wondered why Bishop Butthole was trying to get him fired.  He was just asking for some emotional support.  Bishop Butthole began intimidating Eddy in interviews after that.  Eddy told Bishop Butthole that he hurt his feelings after that.  Bishop Butthole just did it some more so Eddy gave up on it.  Bishop Butthole reminded Eddy of a giant butt with eyes staring him in his face.  Eddy was then called into the human relations department at his work.  The man coldly told Eddy to “comply”.  It sounded very robotic nazi-like to Eddy.  Eddy decided to drag himself to church one Sunday to try to cool Bishop Butthole off.  He hadn’t been to church for a long time and was looking for a positive experience.  As soon as he walked in the door an old lady blew up at him for not wearing a coat into the church.  As he sat by his mom in sacrament meeting, he wondered why his mom was having tears of delight listening to the speaker while he was having insanely depressing thoughts.  Then one of the leaders began intimidating the whole ward simply for voicing their opinions in meetings he had with them.  Eddie decided not to try and go to church again after that.  

Eddy tried and tried to leave his horrible job at BYU.  He looked for other jobs and even quit several times but was talked into coming back by his dad.  He started considering resigning and having his name taken off the church’s records.  Eddy needed to release some pressure somehow and decided a good way to do that was shred all his church things.  He shredded his patriarchal blessing and his baptism certificate and many other meaningless things he had collected from the church.  Eddy had seen “apostate Mormon” things on the internet just by accident.  He decided he really needed to know if other people had the same kinds of stories as him.  He began searching for similar stories and found many like his.  It was a surprise to Eddie that these “evil anti-mormon apostates” were different than what the leaders in the church had said.  They seemed so loving toward each other.  They even loved their families just as much as anybody.  Eddy began finding things that made the church’s teachings and history fall apart even further.  He even saw more substantial proof of it than he even saw inside the church.  Eddy saw how they were covering up many things and even lying.  Eddy had seen much of these problems without even looking at anti-mormon things but now he discovered a gold mine.

Eddy decided to go to Bishop Politician and ask for some money for pain and suffering.  After all, two decades of his life were wasted after they disabled him.  He never even got to have a family like the church said was so great.  Eddy figured since they talked about reparation as a step of repentance all day at church, they should do something about it.  Eddy then wrote a six-page letter to Bishop Politician about his mission and about the compensation he thought he deserved for all the suffering he went through.  Next thing you know, Bishop Politician had sent a letter to BYU just like Bishop Butthole had done, saying Eddy wasn’t attending church.  Bishop Politician wanted to talk in person and made an appointment with Eddy.  Bishop Politician seemed to be accusing Eddy of making up a story among other things.  Bishop Politician just ignored it and only briefly mentioned it to the stake president.  Eddy kept sending emails and making phone calls to Bishop Politician but he didn’t seem to care.  Eddy researched taking it to court because after all, psychological abuse comes pretty close to sexual abuse.  A lawyer he emailed didn’t want to give him info at all.  Many people who have tried it found it was worthless.  The church could pay for nice expensive lawyers while Eddy didn’t have any money at all.  The law seemed to be on the church’s side.

Months later Eddy decided Bishop Politician wasn’t going to help so he called the stake president and left a phone mail message.  The stake president never called back.  Then Eddy called the Church Office Building and talked to several people.  Nobody would help.  Eddy found out later that one lady knew exactly who handled those things but didn’t tell him.  Eddy got frustrated and calmly told someone that his next step might be to take it to the media.  Eddy knew they seemed to control the media in his church state but he did it anyway.  Then the man he talked to became convinced that Eddy was a psycho and talked to Security Man about it.  Security Man then called Eddy and said he would help Eddy get through to the people who handled those things so Eddy sent him a copy of the six-page letter he sent to the bishop.  The security man never replied back even after Eddy sent more emails.  And the phone number the security guy called from was like it didn’t exist.  It reminded Eddy of some secretive government bureau.  “Why would a church that teaches the love of Christ do such things?”, Eddie thought.

Eddy talked to a few people who had been in similar situations on the internet.  Many of them had worked for the church.  Eddy decided to just resign even if it meant losing his job.  Eddy was worried about becoming homeless because his mom had tried to kick him out before.  Eddy was already having health problems that were a result of his experiences on his mission.  Eddy saw no way of recovering if he went homeless.  He even told Bishop Politician that and he didn’t seem to care.   Bishop Politician gave a few of the standard answers Mormons give and told Eddy resigning wouldn’t be good for him and that he was walking away from Heavenly Father.  Many things the church said had started sounding much like death threats a long time before that.   Then the Church Office Building began being a little tricky.  They told Eddy that there would be “eternal consequences” if he resigned.  Eddie laughed to himself and figured it was another way of keeping him in the church so they could make money off him.  After all, they had been building expensive malls and hiding information and other such things.  They also said that they weren’t going to honor Eddy’s resignation request and were sending it to Bishop Politician.  Eddy knows that once a request is received you are automatically resigned.  The church just has to mope and play around with paperwork for a few months.

Eddy can now go on with his life.  He is even getting his old personality back and many of his problems are going away.  He doesn’t even have to argue anymore.  Eddy has wanted this all along and he is happy now.  The end.