I was born to goodly parents, into a large family.  Every family member I knew was a member of the church.  My parents instilled a belief that the church came first, then family and so on.  I think they believed that if church came first everything else would fall into place.

At the age of eight I remember being told it was my choice to become a member of the church.  I had some serious doubts at the time as I didn't even know what they were talking about and yet I was told it was one of the biggest decisions of my life.  I wanted to wait until I knew more, and got all my sinning out of the way so I would be perfect when baptized,  but I knew that would break my parents hearts so I acquiesced.  When in primary a year or two later we were talking about temple marriage and were told one couldn't get into the celestial Kingdom without it.  I asked why there wasn't an account of Jesus being married and yet he set the example of baptism?  The teacher got visibly upset and started crying.  She left the room and got someone else to come in and watch us for the rest of the class.  I seriously had no idea what I had done to offend her and thought I should learn to keep my mouth shut.  I was determined to know if the church was true.  I spent hours on my knees hoping to get an answer like Joseph Smith.  He was only 14 and I thought I could at least get a warm fuzzy feeling.  I read the scriptures every day and thought about President Kimball reading his scriptures and thinking I could be like him. A large part of my childhood was spent thinking I could never be good enough.  I would never measure up.

 At the age of 17 I had a boyfriend and we got a little too physical.  I was asked by my branch President to read the "Miracle of Forgiveness" I did not like the feeling I got from it.  I wondered about a  prophet that would rather his child die than have sex with someone out of wedlock.  Thank heavens I hadn't done that ...so there was still hope for me.  He seemed to have a real hang up with women in general and I kept thinking there was something seriously wrong with his way of thinking.  Still I pursued and tried to follow all the rules.  I only dated mormons and all my best friends were mormons.  

I didn't want to get married at a young age because frankly I didn't care for my parents arrangement.  My mother was very subservient and would use the term "go ask your father, he holds the priesthood"  about questions like what we were having for dinner? or may I go on a date with so and so?

After graduation I moved out and had an active single life and for the most part bought into all the stuff I had been told my whole life.  I wanted the white picket fence and happiness.  Then I decided to go on a mission to find out once and for all if it was true.  I felt maybe if I give it a good year and a half of my undivided attention an undeniable answer would come to me. I still had a lot questions but I wanted to believe so badly I was able to shelve them.  I never taught the JSMITH story but had my companions do it.  I was really uncomfortable about polygamy and so wanted to avoid anything to do with it.

After getting home I married the man I had met right before going.  We dated for two month and then were married a month later.  My patriartical blessing states that I would marry a worthy priesthood holder in the house of the Lord.  I wanted to follow that path.  After a short time of marriage for reasons I don't want to discuss here I found out the my husband had been sleeping with someone the whole time I was on my mission.  That kind of threw the "worthy Priesthood holder" out the window.  Either that or I had married the wrong person.  Either way I had some thinking to do.  I was so emotional drained, physically and every other way and I really didn't know what to do.  No one in my family had been divorced and I didn't think I would be strong enough to go through with it.  I had spent all my personal money on going on a mission.  I had quit my job and was enrolled in school but I had nothing.  I went to my dad for some answers and he basically told me "you made your bed now sleep in it"   I felt I must have done something to deserve this and this was another trial I was going to have to overcome. 

Family life

I became pregnant not too long after and started on the 2 year plan.  For years I had been so engrossed in my children, going to school and church callings that I didn't have time for much else.  I was in several young women presidency, Primary presidency, and the relief society presidency among other callings but those were the biggies. The YW presidency was the hardest as I felt the pressure to conform and hold to the rod more than any other calling.  I started to wonder what impact the teachings were having on my children.  Would they grow up to be bigots?  Would they be understanding of other people?  Would they have compassion, or would they only worry about what someone was wearing or if someone drank or smoked? 

My youngest just started school and I've started having more time for questions.  I read quite a lot and in the ( very mormon) book club I am in, we read "Escape"  which is  about a women getting away from the fundamentalist mormon church.  I was so upset by what I read I couldn't believe it.  It was our church but in the truer form.  Others in the group were bothered but they chose not to accept that we will all participate in polygamy in the celestial kingdom or the myriad of other issues raised by the book.  

 I have not physically left the church.  I still hold a calling.  My children are so ingrained in our church community I don't know how I would ever get them out with out irreparable damage.    Divorce would be for certain if I came out.  I am very lonely surrounded by many.  Politically I don't fit, spiritually I don't fit, and intellectually I don't fit.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  I don't want to discourage anyone from finding their own faith their own way. I personally do not have that luxury.  It would be social and family suicde for me to leave right now.   I am trapped.