Most Outrageous Thing You've Said In Church

[peter_mary]

Silverfox has been quiet today, so I'll take up the baton she usually carries so well. Hope I'm up for the burden.

What is the most outrageous thing you've ever said at Church?

On two different occassions, I was heard to proclaim that a statement made by either a prophet (E.T. Benson) or an apostle (Rusty Ballard, I think), was, and I quote, "crap." Both times in Elders' Quorum. Here's the most interesting time.

Several years ago, I made a hobby out of attending Sacrement meeting (looking for Sugar Beet material) and Elders Quorum (I had friends there). While in Priesthood, the game was always to attempt to participate in a provocative way, but still in a way in which the other men might possibly hear what I had to say. This particular time, a young man who had been married all of about 6 weeks was teaching the lesson on the divinely appointed role of "fathers." Knowing it was doomed from the beginning, since I've managed to "father" 4 kids and knew he wasn't likely to be terribly enlightening, I settled in for a boring lesson.

He decided that it would be great to tell a story by Russell Ballard (at least, I THINK that's who it was...it's been many years...it could have been another apostle). Regardless, the story was this. Rusty M. and his family were on a raft trip down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. When they came to the first set of rapids, Russ tells his wife and young daughter, who are in the back with him, to hold on to the boat. They are both tossed from the raft as they go through, and Russ has to fish them out. So when they came to the second set of rapids, ol' Russ gets an idea. "You hold on to me, and I'LL hold onto the boat." (Can you see this one coming?) They make it through just fine, and that sets the standard for the rest of the trip.

Now obviously, the moral of the story is that just like his family needed to hold on to him to get through the rough water, so do they need to hold on to him to get them through life. It is the father's role to hold firm to the gospel and cling to God by virtue of the Priesthood, and his wife and children cling to him. That way, they can all be saved. Ladies, are you paying attention to what I just said? :eek:

I wasn't going to let that one go. I probably raised my hand, but may have interupted, and said, "I don't WANT my wife and children to learn to be dependent on me for meeting their spiritual needs. They are fully capable of holding on to God on their own. It is wrong to think that only the husband and father in the home is able to do that."

The nice young man, who hadn't asked to teach this lesson, simply deferred to the manual and reminded me, nay, "chastened" me, that it is the divinely appointed role of the father to provide that link to God.

And I shot back, "I'm sorry, son, but that's just crap!" I probably had some other stuff to say, but it didn't matter at that point. I said, "Crap" in the chapel (we were holding class there) during a Church meeting in reference to what an apostle had said regarding the divinely appointed role of the Priesthood. What else COULD I say? :) Actually, these days it probably would have not only been much more colorful, but I would probably have had a coffee cup in one hand...

The lesson deteriorated after that.

I similarly derided Ezra T. Benson's "Mothers Come Home" talk, and suggested that he was personally responsible for much of the depression and confussion of modern Mormon women. That remark actually brought a rebuke from the EQ President. That was fun...

Funny, but I was never asked to teach again! :cool:

What colorful tales have you to share?

Paul

[Born Free]

What is the most outrageous thing you've ever said at Church?

What colorful tales have you to share?

Paul

It must have been about 1985 or 86. I was getting more and more fed up with the drivel that passed as scholarship at Church. I was taking the Elders Quorum lesson at the time, and the lesson for this particular Sunday was basically pro-Creationist.

I started the class by asking how many had read and prepared for the lesson. I got the usual 50% preparation. (Study it out in your own mind, is not advice I observed followed very frequently).

So I then opened with the question "Based upon the lesson manual, and the sources quoted, would you believe that the Church is pro-Creationism, Pro-evolution, or somewhere between?" The replies were universally "Pro-creationist".

I then said "Would you be surprised to know that a Church Prophet said that the Church has no official position on evolution, and that position has not been officially altered?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

So we then went into reading some of the information on the tension between the Smith dynasty and the academics on the 12, before the prophet called a full stop to the debate. (I have forgotten the characters invloved - was it Talmage?)

But, as we all know, since then the conservatives have somehow dominated study manual development, so that what is being disseminated to the great unread, has already been filtered to remove one side of the debate. If there is anything worse than politics, it is people who can't even fight fair.

As a footnote, when the lesson ended, I was approached by a visitor, a visiting plant geneticist (LDS) from Utah, who congratulated me on the class, and commendted that he was most unlikely to have had a lesson along those lines in Utah.

NOTE: A small curiosity to add to the above. The chapel we met at had a native tree over the car park, that had a fruit that fermented as teh season progressed, so we would come out of church and there would be drunken birdlife staggering around, or legless on their backs on the car roofs and car bonnets. I often wonder that some fundy nutter didn't insist on removal of the tree to stop the threat to the WoW! :eek:

[free thinker]

I never said anything that was controversial. I was a good little follower!! ;) I figured that the leadership was intellectualy honest! See, I never read anything that was not authorized. So when I read Grant Palmer's and Todd Compton's books I was pissed!!! :mad:

Now I am a free thinkin dude! I could no more sit through one of those " mile wide, inch deep " lessons than I could eat a bowl of --it!!! :p

Free Thinker

[silverfox]

It was in the mid to late 80's. I was in the YW presidency. I was preparing the lesson. It was about procreation and how the role of women is to build up the kingdom. In the back of the lesson there are always those tidbits suggesting ways to present the lesson. The lesson got way personal......suggesting I encourage the girls to be careful with birth control. To use it sparingly. WTF????? Well, as you know from a previous post I fell into this trap and had 3 children very close in age. It was very difficult. And my marriage was falling apart at the time.

I stormed into the bish's office, threw the manual down on his desk and told him I couldn't teach the lesson. I didn't agree with it. I thought it was crossing the line and getting way too personal. I came from a very dysfunctional family (my parents should have never had kids to be honest), I had three kids very close, my marriage is falling apart, no education, etc, etc, etc. It was WRONG to guilt these girls into having babies they cannot handle emotionally, financially or otherwise.

I was surprised because he agreed with me. His mom had 10 kids and ended up in the nuthouse.

Regardless, I was released the next week. I was very sad because I was close to the girls. But about a month before this lesson I had a girl come to me because she felt she and her boyfriend were going to have sex and she was afraid. She couldn't go to her TBM folks, she didn't know where to get birth control, etc. I told her about Planned Parenthood and encouraged her that if she was going to have sex to make sure it was the right time, for the right reason, etc, etc. And to not get in a situation where she was being taken advantage of. blah blah blah. I tried staying objective, not pushing one way or the other but did praise her for desiring to be careful and not end up pregnant at 17.

Her mom found out. I got in bigtime trouble with the bish. They felt I was encouraging her. She had confided in her friend that she and I had talked. Her friend told her TBM mom and well, you know the rest.

I was always a misfit, come to think of it. No matter how hard I tried.

Another time I attended sacrament in my flannel jammie pants and sweatshirt. I was on my way out on a business trip, trying to pack, etc. I had just started becoming inactive. My daughter wanted me to attend sacrament but I was so busy. She went off without me and I felt bad and just hopped in the car and went in what I was wearing. Of course she was sitting right in front so I proudly walked in and put a big ol' smile on her face. I thought F it. I'm here for her not to compete in a fashion show. Yeah, so the next week I hear the stake prez got up and gave a talk on how to dress for church. (too bad I wasn't there to hear it but I am sure he had to reprimand me publicly so I wouldn't start a revolution) Still makes me laugh. :p

[peter_mary]

Another time I attended sacrament in my flannel jammie pants and sweatshirt.

Still makes me laugh. :p

HA! This makes me laugh, too! This rates high on my outrage o' meter! :D

Paul

[stuckasamo]

Well, being the well-conditioned, thoroughly-brainwashed BIC Mormon that I am, I haven't really said or done anything too scandal-provoking. But I have these amazing fantasies about what I will say on my last Sunday in the Morg. Most of them involve rasing my hand in the middle of RS and saying something totally unexpected, like, "Did you ladies know that actually this stuff we're being taught right now is a load of crap, and that you're wasting the prime of your lives as slaves to power-craving, self-esteem-challenged MEN?" or something outrageous along those lines!

The other fantasy I have is doing what Steve Benson did when he went in for an interview: telling my bishop the truth for the very first time. "Do you sustain GBH as prophet, seer, and revelator?" "Nope! I think he's an old fraud!" etc. I think I'll write down all my fantasies and when the time finally comes I will pick the best one and act it out! That's probably really good therapy, don't you all think so? :cool:

[free thinker]

Well, being the well-conditioned, thoroughly-brainwashed BIC Mormon that I am, I haven't really said or done anything too scandal-provoking. But I have these amazing fantasies about what I will say on my last Sunday in the Morg. Most of them involve rasing my hand in the middle of RS and saying something totally unexpected, like, "Did you ladies know that actually this stuff we're being taught right now is a load of crap, and that you're wasting the prime of your lives as slaves to power-craving, self-esteem-challenged MEN?" or something outrageous along those lines!

The other fantasy I have is doing what Steve Benson did when he went in for an interview: telling my bishop the truth for the very first time. "Do you sustain GBH as prophet, seer, and revelator?" "Nope! I think he's an old fraud!" etc. I think I'll write down all my fantasies and when the time finally comes I will pick the best one and act it out! That's probably really good therapy, don't you all think so? :cool:

Sounds like you are getting ready to be un-stuckasamo! :)

Free Thinker

[miss taken]

Okay, I can think of two things

1) I set my alarm clock from a sleep over to go off during the sacrament (I was 16 at the time)

2) I suggested that because the Holy Ghost was always written in the Greek in the feminine that perhaps it meant that the Holy Ghost was in fact a woman.

Neither went down to well, but for the second, I was told it was the doctrine of Satan.

As for the churches position on evolution, I was given
Evolution a Golden Cow to wade through, so didn't know they didn't have an official position. I thought it was a big No No.

[bzcutah]

similarly derided Ezra T. Benson's "Mothers Come Home" talk, and suggested that he was personally responsible for much of the depression and confussion of modern Mormon women. That remark actually brought a rebuke from the EQ President. That was fun...




That has to be the funniest thing that I have read in months, besides the Peep Stone tales.

As Jimmy Buffet said "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane!"

If that isn't universal truth, I don't know what is..

[twine]

When I left, I did so very quitely. This is something that I regret to this day. There is so much I would love to say from the pulpit given the chance now.... boy would I make FATM something to talk about. Then again, I think of pearls before swine. TBMs would simply write me off and never take the opportunity to examine their beliefs. Hey I like that, TBM = swine. wonder how my TBM parents would feel about that. :Crazy:

Looking at this thread from another perspective, I am so embarrased by the outrageous (pro Morg) things I said while teaching classes in the Morg. Nearly everytime I pass an LDS church (this is very often, living in Pocatello, Idaho) I flashback to some asinine remark I made, or myth perpetuated. I feel a need to apologize. I want to go "tracting" again in my old mission field, this time talking to the people I introduced to the church and offer my sincere apologies.

[silverfox]

Looking at this thread from another perspective, I am so embarrased by the outrageous (pro Morg) things I said while teaching classes in the Morg. Nearly everytime I pass an LDS church (this is very often, living in Pocatello, Idaho) I flashback to some asinine remark I made, or myth perpetuated. I feel a need to apologize. I want to go "tracting" again in my old mission field, this time talking to the people I introduced to the church and offer my sincere apologies.

Boy can I relate to this! I remember after being baptized carrying my stupid BoM around in class trying to be a good little missionary. What a waste of some good years. I should have been off having fun instead of worrying about who I could be an example for. ugh. I had a couple friends who converted because of my "example". Makes me sick. I want to find them now and apologize. I often wonder if they are still active.

[tjohnson]

Twine,

Could you please contact me via Private Message? I tried to contact you, but you are not setup to receive private messages on this group.

[lisa]

well I didnt say it but my child did.

I was in sacrement mtg with the kids 4 of them between the ages of 1 and 8 they were busily coloring, and looking at their books when all of a sudden my son and daughter broke out into a brawl. She stood up right there and said give me the %$^$^$ crayons and then began to hit one another. I thought I would die right then. The little old lady behind us bless her, just said...."We love it whan little families come to church"