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View Full Version : I am not sure how to preface this. . . (Emotionally Charged, Adult Theme, Cusses)


darkslider
8th October 2005, 05:26 PM
. . . So I am going to just jump into it. I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I need to get it all out.

This is the fifth time I have attempted to type this out and share it with you all. . . it is a development in my life that I feel needs to be shared, not only for the support, but also so that others might learn.

For those of you who have read my posts, you may have picked up on the fact that my mother was physically and psychologically abusive to me and my siblings. As a quick refresh in history, so we are all on the same page. . .

I have two siblings. A half-sister, Camilla, age 18 and a half-brother, Ben, age almost 16. WE all have different fathers, our mother was the only thing that we shared.

My mother kicked me out of the house at age 16. "Get the F**k out of my house and get the F**k out of my life." were her exact words.

I was placed in State Custody after a 4 month legal battle. The state (utah) was trying to get my siblings out of my mother's custody as well. However, my mother is a masterful manipulator. She has it down so good that when she put my sister in the hospital by beating her, my mother convinced the police that it was Camilla's fault for "back-talking". The cop told my sister that, "If you were my kid, I would have taken you home and beaten the shit out of you, too."

As I said, master manipulator. An artisan of deceit, lies and manipulation.

Anyways, back to the point. When I was kicked out of the house, nearly 7 years ago, my Mormon Bishop. . . did nothing. For years I had viewed him as an accomplice to the abuse perpetuated by my mother. Bishop R*****s of the Battle Creek 5th ward, was alerted to the abuse not only by myself/siblings, but by neighbors and friends as well.

He did nothing.

In fact, this man had the audacity to place the blame upon me. . . as if my mother kicking the shit out of me was my fault. "Don't you think it would be better for you to just do what she asks? Then she won't hurt you."

What. The. F**k.

It didn't matter if us children were obedient or not. . . she would make up reasons to beat us. Breathing too loud, completing our chores, cleaning our rooms, taking longer than five minutes to walk the 1.5 miles to Church, just about anything. There was no rhyme nor reason, no method to her madness.

Anyways, skip ahead to my being placed in the care of the State. I knew that my mother was continuing her abuse with my sister and brother, but there was nothing I could do about it. The police were wrapped around my mother's finger, the state was terrified that if they tried to take Camilla or Ben, my mother would kill the other one. My hands were tied.

It has taken me years to recover from the situation. . . and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be fully "healed".

But the object of this post is my siblings. Because, while I was safe, they were still living with my mother. They were still "behind the iron curtain" as it were.

I knew that my brother was getting the brunt of the physical abuse. Going to his Eagle Scout Court of Honor, he had a black eye and his torso was all bruised. He "said" that he received the injuries playing baseball. . . but my sister told him to stop lying.

Skip ahead a few years. Yesterday morning, I was walking home from work. It was about 10:30 am (because I had to wait for my check to arrive) and as I was walking, who should bike past, but my sister Camilla. I called out to her and asked her if she would walk along with me and talk.

She had some really good news to share with me. My brother, after one beating too many, bugged out of there and is living out east with my grandfather.

My sister, after my mother turned to her as an outlet for physical agression. had enough and left for the local women's shelter. Some of you may know, but at a women's shelter, they do analysis and basic therapy (mostly in a group setting) to help people recognize the abuse.

My sister, after a week, came to the realization that what our mother was doing is wrong. Not just wrong, but sick and wrong. She expressed to me that she realizes, now, that she was being abused as well. Not just psychologically and physically. . . there might be some hidden sexual abuse as well.

All in all, it was a rather healthy conversation that lasted nearly 4 hours (in the middle of my sleep cycle) and a meal.

Remember the Bishop I mentioned before? Apparently he did a lot more than just ignore what was going on. From the information that I received, he called the Department of Child and Family Service (child protective services elsewhere) several times. He also assigned members of the ward to watch over my siblings and make sure they had places to turn for comfort, under the guise of being my mother's friend. There is an entire ring of people who made it their business to look out for Camilla and Ben.

So, all is well that ends well, right?

I have decided that I am going to sue my mother for custody of my brother. He doesn't have to go back to her.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Edited to Add: Also, I started asking Camilla about her religious beliefs and she made the comment that "Mom has a predilection for people and groups that are abusive and manipulative. Bryan, what do you think that says about the Church she made us join?"

There is hope out there yet.

sakerra
8th October 2005, 06:12 PM
I have two beautiful little sisters and an older sister who were seriously abused physically, emotionally, and sexualy, until we adopted them. They all have serious emotional and physical issues because of it. One of them to the extent that she has cerebral palsy and weighs a grand total of 40 lbs. I congratulate you on not only helping your little brother out of that but being able to talk about it with your sister. I know my older sister refuses to acknowledge that anything happened. One way or another though, I wish you the best of luck in getting custody of your little brother and that he will be okay.

helemon
8th October 2005, 07:18 PM
It is good that your siblings have gotten out of there. Given how your mom behaves I am not suprised that the men in her life didn't stick around.

Do you or your siblings have any contact with your fathers or are they all deadbeat dads?

It sounds like your mother tried to take out all her anger over the stupid mistakes she made in her life on you kids.

darkslider
8th October 2005, 07:24 PM
Do you or your siblings have any contact with your fathers or are they all deadbeat dads?

Dead-beat. In fact, the only thing I know about my father is that he is out east somewhere and "might be in jail."

Camilla and Ben know even less about their fathers.

helemon
8th October 2005, 07:30 PM
Dead-beat. In fact, the only thing I know about my father is that he is out east somewhere and "might be in jail."

Camilla and Ben know even less about their fathers.

I am glad that you have found a good woman who loves you and who you love back so that the cycle of abuse will end with your mother. :)

hamar
8th October 2005, 08:05 PM
Dead-beat. In fact, the only thing I know about my father is that he is out east somewhere and "might be in jail."

Camilla and Ben know even less about their fathers.

I hope that you will be able to bring both of your siblings into the loving environment they deserve. You and they certainly deserve it and you will be able to talk with one another and help one another heal.

I know we all have much to be thankful for, but right at this moment I'm counting my blessings for not ever having had to experience what you've been through.

I salute your strength and courage to not only drive through that abusive life and forge a new life for yourself that will break the cycle of abuse that you've been subject to over the years, but to reach out to your siblings so they can experience a loving and nurturing environment as well. It sure speaks loudly to the kind of person you are, expecially after what you've been through.

why me
9th October 2005, 01:26 AM
I didn't quite get the story of the bishop. Do you mean to say that he was actually helping your siblings when you thought he wasn't. That actually he did care? I can't quite figure it out because in the beginning you were implying that he did nothing.

Also your mother sounds like a real 'winner'. She needs to be commited to some institution or put in jail. I can only imagine what she said to the ward that paid you a visit recently. I am glad that you were able to get away from her and progress with your life. Take care dark!

darkslider
9th October 2005, 05:00 AM
I didn't quite get the story of the bishop. Do you mean to say that he was actually helping your siblings when you thought he wasn't. That actually he did care? I can't quite figure it out because he the beginning you were implying that he did nothing.

That is it exactly. For years, based on my perception of events, he did nothing. . . didn't care, couldn't care, whatever.

Reality, though, is that he was looking out for my siblings and not just myself. You know, the "bigger" picture.

And, honestly, I shouldn't have faulted him for acting in the manner he did. The situation was so far outside the bounds of anything he could have possibly imagined. . . he was, in all likelyhood, doing the best he could.

Also your mother sounds like a real 'winner'. She needs to be commited to some institution or put in jail. I can only imagine what she said to the ward that paid you a visit recently. I am glad that you were able to get away from her and progress with your life. Take care dark!

Funny enough, I am looking at having her placed in the mental hospital or jail. It is going to take a while. . . but my sister has already agreed to testify in court, and my lawyer says that the 30-odd calls that have been placed to Child Protective Services are going to be serious evidence against her. Ben doesn't even have to be involved in the process, although his testimony would be the icing on the proverbial cake.

free thinker
9th October 2005, 05:27 AM
The fact that you can express how you feel about this stuff leads me to beleive that you are dealing with this horrific situation as best you can.

You have a lot of courage.

free thinker

lunaverse
9th October 2005, 10:31 AM
DS, mental hospital would be better than jail. In nearly every case, abusers were once victims themselves. There's very little chance that at this point she can recover, but she's more likely to do it with professional help than by being further punished in jail. She's living in her own hell right now, a crazy cycle of shame, guilt, depression, anger, dissociation, and self-loathing. I can only think of myself during my most insane times, and magnify it to the point where I'd actually hurt people physically, and I can understand how miserable she is.

So if possible, see if you can't dish her out some help instead of revenge. Either way, she's someplace where she can't hurt anyone.

Luna

peter_mary
9th October 2005, 04:25 PM
Dark-dude,

When I read what you say, and as I review the perception I have of you that lives in my head (I promise, that's a pretty safe, if slightly odd place to live...), it amazes me to understand the world you lived in for all those years. It is a testament to the power of the human spirit, and to you personally.

I'm certain that you have years and years ahead of you to heal the hurts, and from the sound of it, there are new hurts looming on the horizon, but I can't help but imagine that the things you're doing, including reaching out for personal support, will in the end create a place of peace for you, your sibs, and the children who will probably never understand fully how fortunate they will be that their dad is likely to break this cycle.

My thoughts are with you, man. Consider yourself hugged.

Peter_Mary

darkslider
9th October 2005, 09:32 PM
*Receives hugs*

This has been a rather emotionally draining week, all around.

I want to thank you all for your kind comments and support. This online community is unparalleled in anything I have experienced.

Thank you all.

silverfox
10th October 2005, 06:39 AM
I PM'd this info to DS but for others lurking and who may be in the same situation......a book called "Toxic Parents" may be helpful. It sure helped me find a starting point to address the emotional $hit plus validate my experiences and feelings that resulted from such a situation.

lunaverse
10th October 2005, 06:14 PM
I PM'd this info to DS but for others lurking and who may be in the same situation......a book called "Toxic Parents" may be helpful. It sure helped me find a starting point to address the emotional $hit plus validate my experiences and feelings that resulted from such a situation.

Is it good for people with only vaugely tainted parents, too? or just if your parents are all out poisonous?

Luna

silverfox
11th October 2005, 06:23 AM
Is it good for people with only vaugely tainted parents, too? or just if your parents are all out poisonous?

Luna

There were some extreme scenarios in the book that did not apply to my situation but the theraputic advice was extremely helpful. But I did experience other extreme scenarios that were not in the book but again the advice was very helpful.