How did you deal?

[Free-soil]

I'm sure each of you deal everyday, in different ways, with your former membership in the church. My closest friend is beginning to question her beliefs, manily because I left. Her family, a former second family to me, has become viscious, hurtful and pointed in their attacks on me. My friend's mother copied me on this email.


"...but nothing could change my mind concerning the fact that she convinced you, shammed you, and make you believe that this is okay, in the world, and with God, and that the church is wrong. I have come to these conclusions from the things that you have told me about her, and mainly, from the things that she has told me about herself - in her emails, and in person. Reflecting back on the year that we knew her-this should not have come as a surprise to me. "

How do I handle this? What can I say to this woman who thought I was an incredible friend to her daughter a year ago? Should I ignore her? I am hurt mainly but also confused at the intolerance of members to those who did not receive the right answer from "Moroni's Promise".

[silverfox]

I'm sure each of you deal everyday, in different ways, with your former membership in the church. My closest friend is beginning to question her beliefs, manily because I left. Her family, a former second family to me, has become viscious, hurtful and pointed in their attacks on me. My friend's mother copied me on this email.


"...but nothing could change my mind concerning the fact that she convinced you, shammed you, and make you believe that this is okay, in the world, and with God, and that the church is wrong. I have come to these conclusions from the things that you have told me about her, and mainly, from the things that she has told me about herself - in her emails, and in person. Reflecting back on the year that we knew her-this should not have come as a surprise to me. "

How do I handle this? What can I say to this woman who thought I was an incredible friend to her daughter a year ago? Should I ignore her? I am hurt mainly but also confused at the intolerance of members to those who did not receive the right answer from "Moroni's Promise".

That is a typical response from some TBMs. The mom is angry because her DD is thinking for herself. TBM parents tend to rate themselves on successfull parenting on how "worthy" their kids are. They take a child's apostacy very personal. My hubby is dealing with this with his family. The mom will continue to blame you because she can't admit that her daughter may be making this decision for herself. She will then have to wonder where did she go wrong? Did she not pray enough? Fast enough? Was she not good enough?

In dealing with hubby's family and TBM friends who don't understand I share with them the turmoil I experienced when finding that the church was not true. It was quite the emotional betrayal.

Many TBMs imagine Post Mos or Ex mos or apostates waiting in the wings lurking waiting to steal their testimonies.

Like I told my hubby's family, my "testimony" was TAKEN from me by the REAL truth. I didn't LOSE it.

As for advice all I can say is that I would try to leave the "argument" between your friend and her mom. Her mom is making a point to let you know she is not happy with you and is blaming you. Don't sink to her level, don't validate her anger. Let your friend know that you she has your support and that you will be there for her. And that you are sorry she has to deal with her family's anger.

This is one of the things most Post mos have to deal with....the TBM families. I am stumped. It's all so conditional. Like they are incapable of taking the church out of the equation and appreciating what they have and who their family is.

Best wishes. I am sorry you have to deal with this. How is your friend holding up?

[nate]

I'm sure each of you deal everyday, in different ways, with your former membership in the church. My closest friend is beginning to question her beliefs, manily because I left. Her family, a former second family to me, has become viscious, hurtful and pointed in their attacks on me.

How do I handle this? What can I say to this woman who thought I was an incredible friend to her daughter a year ago? Should I ignore her? I am hurt mainly but also confused at the intolerance of members to those who did not receive the right answer from "Moroni's Promise".

What can you say to her?
Sorry to be blunt, but pretty much nothing. Well, nothing that will make any difference in her mind, anyway. This is all too common, and it does hurt; alot.

When I was living with my parents, I had friends that were the kindest, most geniune people and they were not allowed inside our house because they had earrings. However, some of the sleaziest, least honorable people, including a known pedophile, were allowed in whenever they wished; simply because they were "faithful" or "good members". It made my stomach turn, and it hurt, every single time. How do you tell a friend that you love and trust with your life that they are not welcome at your house?

Sorry to go off an a tangent, but yes, I really believe that your best option is to ignore her. And I know exactly what you mean about Moroni's "promise". It's like teaching a kid about bouyancy. If you throw this in the water and it floats, that means everything floats!! So the kid throws in a piece of wood, "Yeah, you're right!!" and walks away believing without ever throwing in a rock. But if another kid throws in a rock and it sinks, the only possible explanation is "you must've thrown it wrong. Keep trying, and until it floats you're a failure!"

So, how do you deal? Well, everytime something like this happens (and if you have Mormon friends or family it WILL continue to happen) it hurts. However, so does exercising, so why do we continue to do it? Because of the benefits. You have to find whatever works best for you to let things like this roll off your shoulders; you can't keep it there. You have to recognize where they are coming from. Realize that they truly believe this, and until they are ready, nothing you can say will change how they feel. You have to count your blessings (ew..did I just say that!?!?). Really though, you have to put things like this behind you and focus on the positive things in your life; like your new-found freedom. Keep your chin up! Her mom might not believe in you anymore, but despite that, it sounds like your friend still does, and so do we!

[Free-soil]

What can you say to her?
Sorry to be blunt, but pretty much nothing. Well, nothing that will make any difference in her mind, anyway. This is all too common, and it does hurt; alot.

When I was living with my parents, I had friends that were the kindest, most geniune people and they were not allowed inside our house because they had earrings. However, some of the sleaziest, least honorable people, including a known pedophile, were allowed in whenever they wished; simply because they were "faithful" or "good members". It made my stomach turn, and it hurt, every single time. How do you tell a friend that you love and trust with your life that they are not welcome at your house?

Sorry to go off an a tangent, but yes, I really believe that your best option is to ignore her. And I know exactly what you mean about Moroni's "promise". It's like teaching a kid about bouyancy. If you throw this in the water and it floats, that means everything floats!! So the kid throws in a piece of wood, "Yeah, you're right!!" and walks away believing without ever throwing in a rock. But if another kid throws in a rock and it sinks, the only possible explanation is "you must've thrown it wrong. Keep trying, and until it floats you're a failure!"

So, how do you deal? Well, everytime something like this happens (and if you have Mormon friends or family it WILL continue to happen) it hurts. However, so does exercising, so why do we continue to do it? Because of the benefits. You have to find whatever works best for you to let things like this roll off your shoulders; you can't keep it there. You have to recognize where they are coming from. Realize that they truly believe this, and until they are ready, nothing you can say will change how they feel. You have to count your blessings (ew..did I just say that!?!?). Really though, you have to put things like this behind you and focus on the positive things in your life; like your new-found freedom. Keep your chin up! Her mom might not believe in you anymore, but despite that, it sounds like your friend still does, and so do we!

You guys are right. I appreciate the responses. I knew immediately upon reading her words I shouldn't send her a response. Though I wanted to; I was livid! I was angered more at the woman's mindset and not at her personally. I often find it difficult to realize that I used to think like this. I think that is why this is so hard. I hope that I never made anyone feel as she has made me feel. How shallow and short sided... It is now a matter of principle to me. I am young and idealistic (as my dad likes to point out frequently :) ) Because of that, I guess I expect everyone to see the light, just because I did...I'll keep dreaming ;)

My friend is holding up remarkably well. She just lets her mom rant as needed. Some things really set her a blaze (just as the email did me). I think she is really trying to find an honest answer. I'm proud of her. We all know it is difficult.

Thank you for your support and advice. I think I'm going to like it here.

[noodle]

I think many of us in this forum "feel your pain," as Bill Clinton would say (I still like him :) ).

I haven't gone to church for 9 or 10 years, and I still get a few digs every now and then from my mother-in-law. Luckily, they have diminished with time. I usually smile and refuse to respond to her comments. It's interesting that it was her son who "revolted" first, and quit going. Once, she told our un-baptized son who was 9 at the time that he couldn't be with his family in heaven. Holy $#@*! Where did that come from? Of course, she wouldn't have said that to him in front of us. He approached me several days after she said that to him and asked me what she meant. I was livid at first, and spent days preparing what I would say to her. Eventually, I just ignored it. I spent my energy talking to my son. With some folks, you just can't talk religion. They will never "get it."

Mamajama