I need a little help

[Anonymus]

I'm not a Mormon myself, but my best friend is. He's always been a member of the Church and he has a lot of strong pressure on him to stay involved in it. His family has basically told him that they are fine with everything he does, and will support him always, so long as he stays a member of the church (but they leave the question open, as to whether they would support him at all where he to express dissent). They want him to go to BYU.

He recently confided in me that he doesn't believe in God, and indeed with most of the Mormon teachings. Obviously this clashes with Mormon beliefs. What should he do? How can he live his own life, without making his family unhappy?

Any help, which I could relate to him, would be appreciated. :-)

[Jeff_Ricks]

His family has basically told him that they are fine with everything he does, and will support him always, so long as he stays a member of the church (but they leave the question open, as to whether they would support him at all where he to express dissent).

My experience has been that when you’re a member of a devout Mormon family and choose to leave Mormonism it won’t be easy. Maybe those who choose to remain faithful to dogma (FTD) will be reasonably tolerant but in my opinion those who choose to be faithful to self (FTS) should be prepared for the worst. At the least the FTD’s will feel uncomfortable when around the FTS, meaning relationships will never be the same. In spite of what the fundamentals of the dogma teaches, such as "judge not that you be not judged" and treat others as you would have them treat you, and "let them worship how, where and what they may" the FTD’s will more often than not treat the FTS in quite the opposite manner and somehow justify it to themselves.

I walked away from Mormonism in 1993 and voluntarily had my name removed from the records in 2002. I live in Logan Utah nestled in Cache Valley where the local newspaper once stated that better than 85% of the populace are Mormon. It hasn’t been easy living here. Last summer two of my FTD siblings that live elsewhere in Utah said they wouldn’t come to a family reunion if I was going to be there, in essence because I have chosen to be faithful to my own ability to reason and make choices over prostituting my heart, mind and my Self to a religious dogma.

Leaving Mormonism in many ways hasn’t been easy for me and it won’t be easy for your friend, but if I had it to do over again would I? Absolutely! There is nothing like living life being true to self. Reaching the point when I accepted things as they are, not as I was taught to believe they are, is when I feel like I became free.

Jeff

[Nate]

Leaving Mormonism in many ways hasn’t been easy for me and it won’t be easy for your friend, but if I had it to do over again would I? Absolutely! There is nothing like living life being true to self. Reaching the point when I accepted things as they are, not as I was taught to believe they are, is when I feel like I became free.

Jeff

Well said Jeff.

Anonymous, your friend is in for some serious "soul searching" in the months and years ahead. He has a big, and very important decision to make; one that will affect his whole life. Unfortunately, there is some misery involved no matter what choice he makes.

If what he says is true, and he does not believe, the fear of being turned away by his family may be strong enough to cause him to hide these feelings, lie to himself, and stay in the church. If he does, he will be setting future appointments with Depression, spread throughout his remaining years. However, he will be awarded with love and acceptance from his family. Love and acceptance that deap down he will know he lied to get. This decision, I strongly believe, is why there are so many seemingly devout Mormons that serve LDS Missions, but upon returning, quickly fade away from the church. Often the family pressure is the only thing keeping doubting mormons from leaving the church and refusing to fulfill their "duties to God".

If he decides to leave the church, the reactions of his family members will most likely vary; from silent dissaproval all the way to complete shunning, as Jeff and myself have both witnessed. The first few years after leaving the church, some of my relationships with siblings almost ceased to exist. Only after almost ten years have we been able to spend much time together, forcing ourselves to ignore the akwardness.

Relationships with my parents and some siblings have been changed forever. My love for them, and desire to continue relations, keeps certain conversations taboo. Many times I find myself literally biting my tongue to keep myself from speaking my mind. Instead I shut up and leave the room, because I know that if I were to speak my heart, the relationships that we do have would instantly start to wither.

I literally cannot get through a single conversation with family members without being figuratively slapped in the face. Why do I choose to live this way? At least once a year I am told by a family member that I choose to live this way because it is Easier. Being mocked, shunned, and held in low esteem with/by my family is easier than going to church. Right. The reason that I choose to live this way, is because I am being true to my heart, my mind, and yes, my spirit.

That is my reward. I know that I am true to myself. The ironic thing is, most of my principles that keep me away from the church are principles that were taught to me by the church:

"Be honest with yourself and others"
"Listen to the still, small voice"
"Treat everyone with kindness and dignity"
"Be humble, like a child"

The problem is, these principles of the church directly conflict with the culture of the church. When one recognizes this, he comes to the point your friend is at. Do you abandon the culture and follow the principles, or do you abandon the principles and follow the culture?