helemon
5th January 2006, 05:47 PM
Funny Wikipedia spoof site talking about Mormonism.
http://www.encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Mormon
Being saved in Mormonism is easy. First, you have to get baptized, then you have to stop drinking coffee and tea, stop smoking and injecting heroin and other illegal drugs into your system, give 10% of your income to Jesus' church, stop having sex with people you aren't married to (including your right hand), stop looking at porn, stop drinking alcohol, stop reading websites with subversive content, give up your love for sex with small children, wear magic underwear every day and at all times for the rest of your life, marry a Mormon or convert your spouse to Mormonism, have as many children as you or your wife can possibly conceive, and dedicate practically all of your free time to the building up of Jesus' commercial empire on earth. That's it, keep this up until you are dead and then you can go to the Celestial Kingdom and live with elves and faires and ride rainbows and catch leprechauns all day long.
While on earth we do a bunch of shit, and then we die. After we die we go to one of three kingdoms, or not:
* Celestial Kingdom - For good Mormons only, it's a really cool place where you romp around in the daisy field with your whole family and enjoy the bliss of the afterlife. If you take night class, you can also learn to be a God yourself and start banging the shit out of YOUR spirit-wife (you can only stay with her if you get that Temple Marriage!) and create millions of spirit-crotch-droppings and make a planet or two for them to populate, as well.
* Terrestial Kingdom - If you're a good guy but just can't handle the Jesus, you go here. This is reserved for Southern Baptists, Hindus, and good Scientologists. It's a pretty nice place where everyone has a pet unicorn, but you can't be married or go to the Friday Potluck.
* Telestial Kingdom - Whores, thieves, liars, Nazis, Brian Peppers, and other undesirables go here. It's a pretty nice place, but you get an SUV instead of a unicorn, and the only sport allowed is Beach Volleyball.
* Outer Darkness - If you really piss off God, usually by being Satan's buddy after God told you how much he loves and respects you after you drive him home after that one night at the bar, and you go ahead and join Satan's gang anyway. You will spend eternity in a cheap motel room right next to the ice machine with a television that only plays reruns of Stanford and Son.
http://www.encyclopediaofstupid.com/stupid/index.php/Mormon
Being saved in Mormonism is easy. First, you have to get baptized, then you have to stop drinking coffee and tea, stop smoking and injecting heroin and other illegal drugs into your system, give 10% of your income to Jesus' church, stop having sex with people you aren't married to (including your right hand), stop looking at porn, stop drinking alcohol, stop reading websites with subversive content, give up your love for sex with small children, wear magic underwear every day and at all times for the rest of your life, marry a Mormon or convert your spouse to Mormonism, have as many children as you or your wife can possibly conceive, and dedicate practically all of your free time to the building up of Jesus' commercial empire on earth. That's it, keep this up until you are dead and then you can go to the Celestial Kingdom and live with elves and faires and ride rainbows and catch leprechauns all day long.
While on earth we do a bunch of shit, and then we die. After we die we go to one of three kingdoms, or not:
* Celestial Kingdom - For good Mormons only, it's a really cool place where you romp around in the daisy field with your whole family and enjoy the bliss of the afterlife. If you take night class, you can also learn to be a God yourself and start banging the shit out of YOUR spirit-wife (you can only stay with her if you get that Temple Marriage!) and create millions of spirit-crotch-droppings and make a planet or two for them to populate, as well.
* Terrestial Kingdom - If you're a good guy but just can't handle the Jesus, you go here. This is reserved for Southern Baptists, Hindus, and good Scientologists. It's a pretty nice place where everyone has a pet unicorn, but you can't be married or go to the Friday Potluck.
* Telestial Kingdom - Whores, thieves, liars, Nazis, Brian Peppers, and other undesirables go here. It's a pretty nice place, but you get an SUV instead of a unicorn, and the only sport allowed is Beach Volleyball.
* Outer Darkness - If you really piss off God, usually by being Satan's buddy after God told you how much he loves and respects you after you drive him home after that one night at the bar, and you go ahead and join Satan's gang anyway. You will spend eternity in a cheap motel room right next to the ice machine with a television that only plays reruns of Stanford and Son.