lsands
9th February 2005, 10:48 AM
I wrote this a few years ago, and it has been helpful to some people. Thought I'd share it with you. I wrote a second essay on the same idea a few months ago; I'm including it here too.
Why I am a Better Mother (Now That I’m Not a Mormon) December 2002
1. I can accept and value my children for who they really are, not who I want or need them to be. They can live their lives according to what they want---not according to someone else’s one-size-fits-all “divine plan.”
2. I can teach my children to have confidence in themselves and their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and ideas---that they are inherently good and they can trust themselves.
3. I can encourage my children to follow their own inner voice and do what is right for them.
4.I can really listen to them without trying to convince them that my ideas---or any other “authority’s”---are right, and I can offer them guidance because I have listened.
5. I can model for my children the thoughtful development of my own understanding of God and a moral code, and encourage them to do the same.
6. I can allow them to make their own choices and decisions---and also allow them to take the responsibility for them.
7. I can allow them to make mistakes without shaming them for them. I can discuss the choices they have made, their results, and the reasons they may want to make a different choice in the future.
8. I don’t have to feel shame about the mistakes my children make---or worry about what others’ will think of me.
9. I can openly discuss sexuality with my children and talk about how to responsibly and joyfully express this essential element of their humanity—with emphasis on the joy.
10. I can spend more relaxed time with my children doing things we all enjoy because I’m not rushing off to meetings, stressed out over my church calling, or trying to force them to go to church.
11. I can teach my children to value the inherit dignity and worth of every human being, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or choice of partner.
12. I can give my children an example of a strong, independent, woman who owns her personal authority and is learning to express her individuality, and who supports them in doing the same.
13. I can enjoy my children for the unique, marvelous human beings they are, with reverence and gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother.
Why I Am a Happier Mother (Now That I Am Not a Mormon) June 2004
When I wrote “Why I Am a Better Mother (Now That I Am Not a Mormon), my emphasis was on how life was better for my children since I had left the church. Recently I have been thinking about why life is not only better for them, but for me as well. Here is the result of that thinking.
1. Being a mother no longer solely defines who I am. I am a complex person with many talents, abilities, and roles. Mother is part of who I am, but not all of it.
2. I have a more realistic concept of what a “good mother” is. I accept myself as human, and I can acknowledge that I have made mistakes as a mother without being consumed with guilt. I can admit my mistakes to my children without (so much) defensiveness.
3. I can allow myself to sometimes feel overwhelmed and impatient with the responsibilities of motherhood, without feeling ashamed.
4. I make myself a priority. I take care of myself and value my own needs and feelings.
5. I know that I am responsible for finding my own joy and fulfillment in life, and I no longer expect being a parent to be the only way to make my life meaningful.
6. I take responsibility for my choice to have my children, with all of the work and responsibility that went with that choice. My children don’t “owe me” anything.
7. I take pleasure in seeing my children become adults, and I can learn a new way of relating to them. I no longer take responsibility for their choices or actions, or feel that their lives are a reflection on me (unless they win an Academy Award or the Nobel Prize.)
8. I can choose what kind of grandmother I want to be. As I move into the next stage of my life, I will cherish and adore my grandchildren while pursuing the adventures I postponed to raise my children.
Why I am a Better Mother (Now That I’m Not a Mormon) December 2002
1. I can accept and value my children for who they really are, not who I want or need them to be. They can live their lives according to what they want---not according to someone else’s one-size-fits-all “divine plan.”
2. I can teach my children to have confidence in themselves and their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and ideas---that they are inherently good and they can trust themselves.
3. I can encourage my children to follow their own inner voice and do what is right for them.
4.I can really listen to them without trying to convince them that my ideas---or any other “authority’s”---are right, and I can offer them guidance because I have listened.
5. I can model for my children the thoughtful development of my own understanding of God and a moral code, and encourage them to do the same.
6. I can allow them to make their own choices and decisions---and also allow them to take the responsibility for them.
7. I can allow them to make mistakes without shaming them for them. I can discuss the choices they have made, their results, and the reasons they may want to make a different choice in the future.
8. I don’t have to feel shame about the mistakes my children make---or worry about what others’ will think of me.
9. I can openly discuss sexuality with my children and talk about how to responsibly and joyfully express this essential element of their humanity—with emphasis on the joy.
10. I can spend more relaxed time with my children doing things we all enjoy because I’m not rushing off to meetings, stressed out over my church calling, or trying to force them to go to church.
11. I can teach my children to value the inherit dignity and worth of every human being, regardless of their race, religion, gender, or choice of partner.
12. I can give my children an example of a strong, independent, woman who owns her personal authority and is learning to express her individuality, and who supports them in doing the same.
13. I can enjoy my children for the unique, marvelous human beings they are, with reverence and gratitude for the opportunity to be their mother.
Why I Am a Happier Mother (Now That I Am Not a Mormon) June 2004
When I wrote “Why I Am a Better Mother (Now That I Am Not a Mormon), my emphasis was on how life was better for my children since I had left the church. Recently I have been thinking about why life is not only better for them, but for me as well. Here is the result of that thinking.
1. Being a mother no longer solely defines who I am. I am a complex person with many talents, abilities, and roles. Mother is part of who I am, but not all of it.
2. I have a more realistic concept of what a “good mother” is. I accept myself as human, and I can acknowledge that I have made mistakes as a mother without being consumed with guilt. I can admit my mistakes to my children without (so much) defensiveness.
3. I can allow myself to sometimes feel overwhelmed and impatient with the responsibilities of motherhood, without feeling ashamed.
4. I make myself a priority. I take care of myself and value my own needs and feelings.
5. I know that I am responsible for finding my own joy and fulfillment in life, and I no longer expect being a parent to be the only way to make my life meaningful.
6. I take responsibility for my choice to have my children, with all of the work and responsibility that went with that choice. My children don’t “owe me” anything.
7. I take pleasure in seeing my children become adults, and I can learn a new way of relating to them. I no longer take responsibility for their choices or actions, or feel that their lives are a reflection on me (unless they win an Academy Award or the Nobel Prize.)
8. I can choose what kind of grandmother I want to be. As I move into the next stage of my life, I will cherish and adore my grandchildren while pursuing the adventures I postponed to raise my children.