lunaverse
14th May 2006, 09:18 PM
My parents have figured out where I live. And they came to my house just now.
Sorry for spamming, but this is really emotional, and this is probably the only community who would really "get it".
A few years ago, I had decided to send my son to live with his dad for another year. My parents then sued for custody. After a year, a few appearance in court, and a really rough ride, the thing just sort of fizzled out. However, I more or less "divorced" my parents, cutting off contact as much as I possibly could. This came shortly after a few creepy stalker-esque incidents that made it clear to me they had no concept of boundries.
At that time, I told them they were never to come onto my property again without my invitation. I resolved to myself I would call the police and even get a restraining order if that's what it took.
I told them that the only contact they could have with my son would be twice a year, summer and Christmas, at family gatherings.
Since then, I have moved twice, once when buying this house. I have changed my first name legally, mainly because I wanted a different first name (I had gone by my middle name since childhood, and "Luna" as a nickname with friends for the last few years). I have intentionally not given them my address, or told them about the name change.
Recently, I've been making small steps to mend the relationship via email, by discussing whatever topics I feel comfortable with... usually covering mildly religious debate, since that's "safe" ground for me... Talking about personal events in my life... well, too much of my personal life was laid out like a discected frog on the court room floor for me to feel comfortable exposing my actual life to them.
I had told my mother I didn't like talking to her on the phone, because, while I have learned to stand up to everyone else in the world, when she's on the phone, my mind freezes. I can't say "no" to her, and I can't think straight, because she's the one that raised me and created all the buttons, so all those passivity buttons get pushed when I talk to her.
And the last time I spoke to my dad on the phone, prior to today, he YELLED at me when I told him the reason I didn't want to meet them in person was because I didn't trust them.... And the spent 15 minutes interupting and yelling at me until he hung up.
So my mom calls me on Thursday. I answer, because it says "unknown caller", and my son and housemate had been gone a little too long, and I thought it might be them.
As usual, I freeze up on the phone. She asked if they could see me this weekend, and instead of saying "no" (remember, I can't tell her no?), I say my usual "maybe". Now, my mom should have learned 10 years ago that my "maybe" almost always means no. It's my default "no" in lue of an actual "no", to avoid saying that forbidden word to my mother.
I had a work party planned on Saturday, where a bunch of friends were scheduled to come over and dig a big hole in my yard, after which I would feed them and we'd all have some fun hanging out. And being an introvert, I knew I'd need Sunday to recover from the social event, the heavy labor, and the general stress in my life right now. And the last thing I want is a repeat of the LAST time I sat in a resturant with them... it involved some tears, slightly too-loud voices, and my son and I leaving without having finished eating.
So the answer really was... No.
A more emotionally healthy me would have just said it, right there. My "maybe" was followed with a request by my mother to call her back and let her know before Saturday morning. I couldn't say no, right? So I said Yes.
But of course I didn't call her back.
So Saturday, my mom calls and leaves 4 voice messages. She had sent two emails (which I didn't see until today). The emails included some talk about how my dad is going into surgery soon, and wouldn't I feel terrible if he died without him getting to see his grandson again, and that I should get over my hate and rebellion and show some compassion for once.
My dad called this morning, and again I accidentally answered it because it came from a local area code. (My parents live on the other side of the state.) We actually had a fairly decent conversation for about 30 minutes, during which I didn't feel too uncomfortable. For some reason, saying "no" to my dad is just a little easier. I was able to tell him flat out that we would not be going to dinner tonight.
Nevertheless, a few hours later, I got a knock at my door... and there stood my dad, holding out a plastic toy bug container with a bow. "Happy Mother's Day" he said, handed it to me, and turned to leave.
"How did you know where I live?" I asked.
"It isn't that hard to find out," he answered.
"What about privacy rights?" I asked.
"Oh, it's not illegal, in fact..." and he started into some reference to something political he knew about. I stopped him.
"I don't mean legal privacy rights. I know it's easy, and perfectly legal to research this sort of thing. I'm talking about choosing to respect a person's desire to be left alone."
He didn't seem to understand. I explained that most people would assume that if an address wasn't given to them by the person who lived there, that the person didn't WANT them to have their address.
He said something about "How else are we supposed to give you a Mother's Day present?" and left.
I had wondered how my mother knew I had bamboo growing here when she asked me for shoots in an email last month. I figured I must have mentioned it to some family member at Christmas, but I had tried to be as non-specific about my personal life as possible there. Now I know. It's because they've BEEN to my house before today.
Am I wrong in feeling stalked? Stalked by my PARENTS? Does that even happen?
Now I don't know what to do... Just when I thought we were getting somewhere... Sure it was slow, but we had some common ground started, as scant as it was.
My parents are getting old. Their health is failing. I can understand that. But what they can't understand is why I don't trust them, why I keep them at a distance. And I don't know how to make them understand. It's like I'm speaking English, and they're speaking English, but somehow they're aliens and their minds can't possibly comprehend what I have to say.
It's twice as frustrating, because I used to have an alien mind just like theirs... I used to know the language. If I was still an alien like them, we'd all get along swimmingly... me silently resenting something I couldn't quite name, and them manipulating me and my son, and all of us happily going to the Celestial Kingdom together forever.
Tonight a new emotion has entered the mix, and that's pity. I'm sorry for them that they don't understand, know enough, to do the things they need to do to heal the relationship and get what they want. That their actions tonight have added a renewed desire for distance. Because if they can't understand the BIG obvious boundries, how are they going to handle the subtle boundries that come with more frequent interaction?
I mean, they're my parents. It would be nice to have them at least in my life a little bit. Even though we no longer have the Church in common any more (which is actually a really big thing) we still have a few other things in common. It is a tragedy that they are missing out on my son's growing up, on my life news, and that they are getting older and who knows how much longer they will be here.
But I also can't have people in my life who treat me like a child, who still think they are in authority over me enough to use the phrase "rebellion against my parents", who ignore boundries, who can't leave me alone. Not to mention my son, who has been very hurt and confused by this whole process.
So that's it, that's my rant. That's my happy mother's day present, to have my relaxing, restful Sunday turned into creep-out, saddness, and confusion.
Luna
Sorry for spamming, but this is really emotional, and this is probably the only community who would really "get it".
A few years ago, I had decided to send my son to live with his dad for another year. My parents then sued for custody. After a year, a few appearance in court, and a really rough ride, the thing just sort of fizzled out. However, I more or less "divorced" my parents, cutting off contact as much as I possibly could. This came shortly after a few creepy stalker-esque incidents that made it clear to me they had no concept of boundries.
At that time, I told them they were never to come onto my property again without my invitation. I resolved to myself I would call the police and even get a restraining order if that's what it took.
I told them that the only contact they could have with my son would be twice a year, summer and Christmas, at family gatherings.
Since then, I have moved twice, once when buying this house. I have changed my first name legally, mainly because I wanted a different first name (I had gone by my middle name since childhood, and "Luna" as a nickname with friends for the last few years). I have intentionally not given them my address, or told them about the name change.
Recently, I've been making small steps to mend the relationship via email, by discussing whatever topics I feel comfortable with... usually covering mildly religious debate, since that's "safe" ground for me... Talking about personal events in my life... well, too much of my personal life was laid out like a discected frog on the court room floor for me to feel comfortable exposing my actual life to them.
I had told my mother I didn't like talking to her on the phone, because, while I have learned to stand up to everyone else in the world, when she's on the phone, my mind freezes. I can't say "no" to her, and I can't think straight, because she's the one that raised me and created all the buttons, so all those passivity buttons get pushed when I talk to her.
And the last time I spoke to my dad on the phone, prior to today, he YELLED at me when I told him the reason I didn't want to meet them in person was because I didn't trust them.... And the spent 15 minutes interupting and yelling at me until he hung up.
So my mom calls me on Thursday. I answer, because it says "unknown caller", and my son and housemate had been gone a little too long, and I thought it might be them.
As usual, I freeze up on the phone. She asked if they could see me this weekend, and instead of saying "no" (remember, I can't tell her no?), I say my usual "maybe". Now, my mom should have learned 10 years ago that my "maybe" almost always means no. It's my default "no" in lue of an actual "no", to avoid saying that forbidden word to my mother.
I had a work party planned on Saturday, where a bunch of friends were scheduled to come over and dig a big hole in my yard, after which I would feed them and we'd all have some fun hanging out. And being an introvert, I knew I'd need Sunday to recover from the social event, the heavy labor, and the general stress in my life right now. And the last thing I want is a repeat of the LAST time I sat in a resturant with them... it involved some tears, slightly too-loud voices, and my son and I leaving without having finished eating.
So the answer really was... No.
A more emotionally healthy me would have just said it, right there. My "maybe" was followed with a request by my mother to call her back and let her know before Saturday morning. I couldn't say no, right? So I said Yes.
But of course I didn't call her back.
So Saturday, my mom calls and leaves 4 voice messages. She had sent two emails (which I didn't see until today). The emails included some talk about how my dad is going into surgery soon, and wouldn't I feel terrible if he died without him getting to see his grandson again, and that I should get over my hate and rebellion and show some compassion for once.
My dad called this morning, and again I accidentally answered it because it came from a local area code. (My parents live on the other side of the state.) We actually had a fairly decent conversation for about 30 minutes, during which I didn't feel too uncomfortable. For some reason, saying "no" to my dad is just a little easier. I was able to tell him flat out that we would not be going to dinner tonight.
Nevertheless, a few hours later, I got a knock at my door... and there stood my dad, holding out a plastic toy bug container with a bow. "Happy Mother's Day" he said, handed it to me, and turned to leave.
"How did you know where I live?" I asked.
"It isn't that hard to find out," he answered.
"What about privacy rights?" I asked.
"Oh, it's not illegal, in fact..." and he started into some reference to something political he knew about. I stopped him.
"I don't mean legal privacy rights. I know it's easy, and perfectly legal to research this sort of thing. I'm talking about choosing to respect a person's desire to be left alone."
He didn't seem to understand. I explained that most people would assume that if an address wasn't given to them by the person who lived there, that the person didn't WANT them to have their address.
He said something about "How else are we supposed to give you a Mother's Day present?" and left.
I had wondered how my mother knew I had bamboo growing here when she asked me for shoots in an email last month. I figured I must have mentioned it to some family member at Christmas, but I had tried to be as non-specific about my personal life as possible there. Now I know. It's because they've BEEN to my house before today.
Am I wrong in feeling stalked? Stalked by my PARENTS? Does that even happen?
Now I don't know what to do... Just when I thought we were getting somewhere... Sure it was slow, but we had some common ground started, as scant as it was.
My parents are getting old. Their health is failing. I can understand that. But what they can't understand is why I don't trust them, why I keep them at a distance. And I don't know how to make them understand. It's like I'm speaking English, and they're speaking English, but somehow they're aliens and their minds can't possibly comprehend what I have to say.
It's twice as frustrating, because I used to have an alien mind just like theirs... I used to know the language. If I was still an alien like them, we'd all get along swimmingly... me silently resenting something I couldn't quite name, and them manipulating me and my son, and all of us happily going to the Celestial Kingdom together forever.
Tonight a new emotion has entered the mix, and that's pity. I'm sorry for them that they don't understand, know enough, to do the things they need to do to heal the relationship and get what they want. That their actions tonight have added a renewed desire for distance. Because if they can't understand the BIG obvious boundries, how are they going to handle the subtle boundries that come with more frequent interaction?
I mean, they're my parents. It would be nice to have them at least in my life a little bit. Even though we no longer have the Church in common any more (which is actually a really big thing) we still have a few other things in common. It is a tragedy that they are missing out on my son's growing up, on my life news, and that they are getting older and who knows how much longer they will be here.
But I also can't have people in my life who treat me like a child, who still think they are in authority over me enough to use the phrase "rebellion against my parents", who ignore boundries, who can't leave me alone. Not to mention my son, who has been very hurt and confused by this whole process.
So that's it, that's my rant. That's my happy mother's day present, to have my relaxing, restful Sunday turned into creep-out, saddness, and confusion.
Luna