causing problems with dh

[mushbelly]

First - let me introduce myself briefly. I am 28 - BIC, married 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 yo dd and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. Now for the good stuff....

After a lot of research, thought and prayer over the last few months, I have basically come to the conclusion that I do not believe that the church is true. DH has known about my research and has not really said much...until last night. We got into a huge fight about it all. He feels betrayed by me....he feels like I am destroying our family. He wants me to STOP coming here - stop reading anything "anti-mormon" and to go back to how I use to be. When we first met I was very passionate about the church, but dh was barely active then. I basically "re-activated him" (stupid me) Honestly I am a little suprised by dh's reaction. We were both BIC - both from very strong LDS families...but I have never heard him say once that he "Knows" the church is true. The closest I've heard him come was once he said "I have a lot of assurances that the church is true" We usually only go to sacrament meeting - but we go pretty much every week. He doesn't mind breaking the sabath, watching R rated movies - he encouraged me to get my nose peirced about a year ago, and when I started feeling guilty about it he chewed me out saying that I should't care what everyone at church thinks - if I like it - I should keep it. Anyway - so he's not totally TB - but aparently the church is more important to him than I realized. Ultimately my relationship with him and our marriage is the most important thing to me in the world. I am not willing to sacrifice that. So what do I do? Try to put all of this out of my mind and pretend that I still believe just for the sake of my family and my marriage? He is not willing to listen to anything I have learned. He thinks it is absolutely rediculous that 11 million people could have been duped by the mormon church. He thinks I am being brainwashed by the things I am reading.

I haven't worn my garments for a couple of weeks - but after our fight I put them on this morning and I guess I am just going to try to do what he wants - but I really don't know if it's possible at this point. Sacrament meeting practically had me running to the bathroom puking today.

I know most of you have probably already gone through this - so I'm wondering how you got through it.

Mushbelly

[pokatator]

First - let me introduce myself briefly. I am 28 - BIC, married 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 yo dd and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. Now for the good stuff....

After a lot of research, thought and prayer over the last few months, I have basically come to the conclusion that I do not believe that the church is true. DH has known about my research and has not really said much...until last night. We got into a huge fight about it all. He feels betrayed by me....he feels like I am destroying our family. He wants me to STOP coming here - stop reading anything "anti-mormon" and to go back to how I use to be. When we first met I was very passionate about the church, but dh was barely active then. I basically "re-activated him" (stupid me) Honestly I am a little suprised by dh's reaction. We were both BIC - both from very strong LDS families...but I have never heard him say once that he "Knows" the church is true. The closest I've heard him come was once he said "I have a lot of assurances that the church is true" We usually only go to sacrament meeting - but we go pretty much every week. He doesn't mind breaking the sabath, watching R rated movies - he encouraged me to get my nose peirced about a year ago, and when I started feeling guilty about it he chewed me out saying that I should't care what everyone at church thinks - if I like it - I should keep it. Anyway - so he's not totally TB - but aparently the church is more important to him than I realized. Ultimately my relationship with him and our marriage is the most important thing to me in the world. I am not willing to sacrifice that. So what do I do? Try to put all of this out of my mind and pretend that I still believe just for the sake of my family and my marriage? He is not willing to listen to anything I have learned. He thinks it is absolutely rediculous that 11 million people could have been duped by the mormon church. He thinks I am being brainwashed by the things I am reading.

I haven't worn my garments for a couple of weeks - but after our fight I put them on this morning and I guess I am just going to try to do what he wants - but I really don't know if it's possible at this point. Sacrament meeting practically had me running to the bathroom puking today.

I know most of you have probably already gone through this - so I'm wondering how you got through it.

Mushbelly
Hi Mushbelly

I left about 18 years ago. My ex-wife couldn't handle any opposition, she got 2 bishops and a stake president to continue to interview or re-brainwash me. She has never had a doubt ever that I know of.

My point is the brainwashing goes real deep, even in the in-actives and in the ones who flat out reject it yet alone the ones who are convinced. I know dozens of people that have totally rejected the church for themselves and have never lived a drop of it, defend the church as true.

We also see some of the recent prominate scholars who are picking at the church on DNA or history or some other angle and yet they still believe. It puzzles me, but it always has, that seemingly intelligent people can buy the Mormon story. I did too for too many years, so I hesitate to be too critical in my own defense.

Your hubby is in a state of denial. I tried everything to save my marriage but I could not battle the programming and I had to abandon my family to be able to stop living a lie. I pray that your situation does not end that way. I am still trying to win 3 adult kids back from them. It is difficult.

Randy

[silverfox]

First - let me introduce myself briefly. I am 28 - BIC, married 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 yo dd and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. Now for the good stuff....

After a lot of research, thought and prayer over the last few months, I have basically come to the conclusion that I do not believe that the church is true. DH has known about my research and has not really said much...until last night. We got into a huge fight about it all. He feels betrayed by me....he feels like I am destroying our family. He wants me to STOP coming here - stop reading anything "anti-mormon" and to go back to how I use to be. When we first met I was very passionate about the church, but dh was barely active then. I basically "re-activated him" (stupid me) Honestly I am a little suprised by dh's reaction. We were both BIC - both from very strong LDS families...but I have never heard him say once that he "Knows" the church is true. The closest I've heard him come was once he said "I have a lot of assurances that the church is true" We usually only go to sacrament meeting - but we go pretty much every week. He doesn't mind breaking the sabath, watching R rated movies - he encouraged me to get my nose peirced about a year ago, and when I started feeling guilty about it he chewed me out saying that I should't care what everyone at church thinks - if I like it - I should keep it. Anyway - so he's not totally TB - but aparently the church is more important to him than I realized. Ultimately my relationship with him and our marriage is the most important thing to me in the world. I am not willing to sacrifice that. So what do I do? Try to put all of this out of my mind and pretend that I still believe just for the sake of my family and my marriage? He is not willing to listen to anything I have learned. He thinks it is absolutely rediculous that 11 million people could have been duped by the mormon church. He thinks I am being brainwashed by the things I am reading.

I haven't worn my garments for a couple of weeks - but after our fight I put them on this morning and I guess I am just going to try to do what he wants - but I really don't know if it's possible at this point. Sacrament meeting practically had me running to the bathroom puking today.

I know most of you have probably already gone through this - so I'm wondering how you got through it.

Mushbelly

Your story sounds oh so very familiar to my own. Hubby has never been Mr. TBM (he encouraged me to get the tattoo I always wanted) but as soon as I stumbled on some questioning history and other research by accident he went nuts! It's all too foreign to them. Like Pokatator said, the conditioning is deep even in inactive and even some of us "apostates" still deal with the conditioning.

What made my hubby at least agree to listen to me is that he saw how very upset I was over learning the church is fraud. I cried for days. I felt betrayed. Nearly 30 years of bullchit. I'd made life changing decisions based on the church's teaching and doctrine. Only to find it was all lies. I have to say I was shocked I felt so betrayed. I was looking to prove some questionable statements wrong (dna, etc) only to find the opposite.

I know that for me I could not pretend. I would never be able to play Sister TBM knowing it's hogwash. Some can do it for the sake of the marriage. But what I am seeing time and time again is a lack of respect for the "inactive" spouse's feelings and beliefs. To me this unacceptable and I was the one giving hubby and ultimatum. Either you accept me for who I am or that's it. If our marriage is based solely on religion then I am outta here. I now I deserve better.

Give your hubby time to get over the shock. Give him time to recognize you are still a wonderful person although you no longer believe. You are a great mom, wife, friend, etc. There is so much more to a marriage and family than religion. But to some TBMs or TBM wannabes, they can't get beyond the religion to see it.

Best wishes. I know you are not alone in your struggles.

[jmkm]

Your husband sounds like he is at the point my husband and I both have been at several different periods in our marriage. He isn't really a "true" believer, he just wants it to be true. If you stand firm with your beliefs, without berating him for his inability to walk away from it "right now" I think he will come around.

From what you have said, he doesn't sound totally convinced. He just needs you to be calm and rational. Don't wear your garments unless YOU want to. Eventually he will respect you for your decision. Just let the church work against itself. When he sees how happy you are and confidant in your beliefs he really will come around. Go to church with him or not...support him in his beliefs. Be respectful, but don't pretend to agree with him or with something you think is wrong.

Last year my husband went to church with me while I went back to wearing g's, and tried to really give it "one last chance". He never argued with me, he just went several times, and when the EQ leader asked him to be a home teacher, he said that he wasn't interested. You should have seen the look on that guys face! My husband eventually just told me "Look, I don't care if you go, and I don't care if you take our children. I am not going to go, because I think it's a crock of sh, but if it's important to you, then I'm happy for you."

You can't believe how retarded I feel now...I bought all those garments and had to throw them away AGAIN! It's just as fun the second time around.

Good Luck!

[peter_mary]

After a lot of research, thought and prayer over the last few months, I have basically come to the conclusion that I do not believe that the church is true. DH has known about my research and has not really said much...until last night. We got into a huge fight about it all. He feels betrayed by me....he feels like I am destroying our family. He wants me to STOP coming here - stop reading anything "anti-mormon" and to go back to how I use to be.

Mushbelly

Dear Mushbelly,

I don't need to tell you that this is a very serious time in your marriage, and personally, I don't think it's a good time to get into a power struggle. I DO think it's a good time to look around for a marriage counselor you can trust, someone who does NOT have the agenda that you just need to see the light and "git yerself on back to church." Instead, you need someone who can facilitate the process of talking through the issues that are right now too emotionally volatile to deal with very effectively (for instance, it spawned a "fight" last night).

If you see your husband "react," then you need to know where that comes from...it comes from fear and insecurity. You need to be in a situation where you can hear and understand what his fears are about, so you can address them. (And it helps clear the air so YOU can address the things that are hurting you!) Think about it from a Mormon's perspective. "If my wife takes off her garments, she is asking me for an "eternal" divorce. Now she only wants me for time, and I'm on my own through the eternities." (Well, technically he can have a raft of othe wives in the eternities, too, but I'll not go there... :Puking )

I'm not a marriage counselor, but I have to assume that anytime one partner changes the rules of the relationship so radically, it must affect the other partner in significant ways. It wouldn't surprise me if your husband isn't afraid that maybe the people on this forum are encouraging you to leave your marriage...that would certainly be threatening!

I would also expect that in many cases, possibly yours, there are outside pressures to which your husband is responding fearfully. What will the ward think? What will we tell our families? How will this affect my relationships with the guys in EQ? Will they still fish with me? How will we raise our kids? If you live in the Mormon Corridor somewhere, then there are political fears, too.

One way to help assuage those fears is to move quietly and slowly, and assure him you're not looking for fireworks and a grand exit. It is possible to slowly disappear (I know--we've done it), and though the end result is the same, it gives people time to grow into the changes rather than just get smacked in the face with 'em.

You have got to find "safe space" to really explore the things in this marriage that are scary to both of you, and really be able to talk them through. I DO believe that in many, many situations, as soon as the believing spouse realizes that the non-believing spouse is not also leaving the marriage, that in fact they remain fully committed, then it provides an opportunity to start to explore some of the other benefits...such as a 10% raise and the periodic trip to Victoria's Secret...

Above all, don't ignore this, and don't believe for a second the counsel that you would receive from your Bishop. "Pray together, have family home evening, and come to Church, and all will be well." Nope. Doesn't work. You need real help, and to take this real seriously, and I believe it can have a real positive outcome.

Paul

[mindbender]

First - let me introduce myself briefly. I am 28 - BIC, married 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 yo dd and I am 12 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. Now for the good stuff....

After a lot of research, thought and prayer over the last few months, I have basically come to the conclusion that I do not believe that the church is true. DH has known about my research and has not really said much...until last night. We got into a huge fight about it all. He feels betrayed by me....he feels like I am destroying our family. He wants me to STOP coming here - stop reading anything "anti-mormon" and to go back to how I use to be. When we first met I was very passionate about the church, but dh was barely active then. I basically "re-activated him" (stupid me) Honestly I am a little suprised by dh's reaction. We were both BIC - both from very strong LDS families...but I have never heard him say once that he "Knows" the church is true. The closest I've heard him come was once he said "I have a lot of assurances that the church is true" We usually only go to sacrament meeting - but we go pretty much every week. He doesn't mind breaking the sabath, watching R rated movies - he encouraged me to get my nose peirced about a year ago, and when I started feeling guilty about it he chewed me out saying that I should't care what everyone at church thinks - if I like it - I should keep it. Anyway - so he's not totally TB - but aparently the church is more important to him than I realized. Ultimately my relationship with him and our marriage is the most important thing to me in the world. I am not willing to sacrifice that. So what do I do? Try to put all of this out of my mind and pretend that I still believe just for the sake of my family and my marriage? He is not willing to listen to anything I have learned. He thinks it is absolutely rediculous that 11 million people could have been duped by the mormon church. He thinks I am being brainwashed by the things I am reading.

I haven't worn my garments for a couple of weeks - but after our fight I put them on this morning and I guess I am just going to try to do what he wants - but I really don't know if it's possible at this point. Sacrament meeting practically had me running to the bathroom puking today.

I know most of you have probably already gone through this - so I'm wondering how you got through it.

MushbellyI believe religeon can break up a marriage faster than anything else when it goes wrong , you need to spend a lot of time eating macdonalds together by the river until you both realize that God is about people ,not religeons , Henz

[Alicia]

Dear Mushbelly,



You have got to find "safe space" to really explore the things in this marriage that are scary to both of you, and really be able to talk them through. I DO believe that in many, many situations, as soon as the believing spouse realizes that the non-believing spouse is not also leaving the marriage, that in fact they remain fully committed, then it provides an opportunity to start to explore some of the other benefits...such as a 10% raise and the periodic trip to Victoria's Secret...

Paul

Mushbelly,
I don’t have any advice because I am not far enough away from my own experience to see things completely clear but I can say when my husband left the church a year and a half ago I was so afraid that he would leave me too. If he could change something that had been so much a part of his life then what would he do next? Would he decide that he had also made a mistake when he married me? Last year was really hard for us. We needed to communicate a lot. Even though I accepted his decision it hurt me deeply that he left the church. I needed a lot of space. I told my husband to back off when he wanted to debate church things many many times. Eventually I was able to look at the church on my own terms and study things through, but it took time. I hope that helps some.

I also enjoyed the %10 raise.

Alicia

[miss taken]

I believe religeon can break up a marriage faster than anything else when it goes wrong , you need to spend a lot of time eating macdonalds together by the river until you both realize that God is about people ,not religeons , Henz

I'm with you there Henz. All the way.
Hi Mushbelly. I can't really offer any words of advice on this one. I have no family in the church, and I married someone with similar values, though we don't share all the same beliefs.

I think people join or stay active in the church for lots of different reasons, some because they are just plain comfortable, or to please someone else, or because they have grown up with it. Lots of reasons. When I left I wrote down in my journal a list of reasons why I should stay and reasons why I should go, I tried to be as dispassionate as possible. The list of reasons to go, so outnumbered the list of reasons to stay that, that is really what made up my mind. But I wasn't disappointing any close family member by doing so. You are in a much trickier position.

Thoughts are with you.
Mary