Dealing with overzealous RM's

[Free-soil]

A year and half ago my best friend left on a mission to Boston, MA. She will be returning home in a few weeks. In the mail is a letter to her about my decision to leave the church and a copy of the letter I mailed to Church Membership resigning from the church.
In the letter to her I did not address specifics and told her we could have the long talk when she returned. Needless to say, I'm a bit anxious about her return. She will not understand (as most TBM's don't). I want to be respectful of her lifestyle and I hope she will be of mine. Do you guys have any advice?

My first thoughts were to avoid the conflict and act like it was no big deal. However, on fire for the gospel and straight off a mission girl is not likely to be complacent. We were in the RSP together before her mission, so I doubt she will understand.

I open to any thoughts, experiences, or advice.

[mutleydog]

A year and half ago my best friend left on a mission to Boston, MA. She will be returning home in a few weeks. In the mail is a letter to her about my decision to leave the church and a copy of the letter I mailed to Church Membership resigning from the church.
In the letter to her I did not address specifics and told her we could have the long talk when she returned. Needless to say, I'm a bit anxious about her return. She will not understand (as most TBM's don't). I want to be respectful of her lifestyle and I hope she will be of mine. Do you guys have any advice?

My first thoughts were to avoid the conflict and act like it was no big deal. However, on fire for the gospel and straight off a mission girl is not likely to be complacent. We were in the RSP together before her mission, so I doubt she will understand.

I open to any thoughts, experiences, or advice.

From my own experience, you may be pleasantly surprised with her reaction. I had two friends serving a mission when I decided to quit the church - not only did I tell them what i was doing, I also told them why i.e. that I was gay. I even had the opportunity to see one of them in the middle of their mission - it was like nothing had changed at all and we still had our laughs etc. She even met my partner (though we weren't together at the time).....Neither of them once attempted to 'preach' to me. Infact, they were both very supportive and just wanted the best for me and wanted me to be happy. I have learnt if nothing else to be as honest as I can be - that demands respect in itself. However, other responses haven't been so positive. I tend to have the view that generally, missionaries can be much more open about 'life' and peoples beliefs etc. because they have to deal with the 'real world' everyday of their mission, albeit from a church point of view. All I can say, is be as honest as you can - respect she will have a 'strong testimony' but also look after yourself and be straight in telling her the way you feel, but not with resentment etc., just with respect and a strength so she realises you haven't taken the decision lightly........ ;)

[jmkm]

Some of the most HYPER religious people I know, have been the MOST understanding. I think the people who have been the meanest are people who are unsure of their faith themselves.

[dogzilla]

Oh, just like the most vociferous homophobes usually turn out to be gay people?

[peter_mary]

I would guess that honesty and acceptance would be the key to successfully navigating this homecoming. If you are honest and upfront about what you now believe, but are fully accepting of her and her beliefs, then it's really not very threatening. What is threatening to people is when they believe that you now stand in judgement (I know, the irony in that is NOT lost on me! :rolleyes: ). I have quality relationships with members who know where I am (some...not all!), and as long as I am working hard to demonstrate to them that the difference in our beliefs in no way diminishes my love and respect for them as a human being, then we find that we still have grounds upon which to build a relationship. Your friend will probably be pretty open to you as long as she doesn't feel like you are trying to convert her...missionary work only goes one way in Mormonism! She's pretty accustomed right now to speaking with people who reject the Church!

Paul

[jmkm]

Oh, just like the most vociferous homophobes usually turn out to be gay people?

No, I don't believe that...I just don't think that all VERY religious people are judgemental as$h*les. Some are, some aren't. I guess I just meant...if your friend really is your friend, and a good person...It won't matter what you or they believe. If your friendship was based on Mormonism and nothing else, then you'll probably get an earfull.

[Free-soil]

Thanks for you advice everyone. It is very encouraging to hear some of your stories. I hope it will all go well. She is a dear friend and I would like to see that friendship continue. I appreciate the honesty and the candor with which you all speak. I find it very helpful! :)

[Born Free]

A year and half ago my best friend left on a mission to Boston, MA. She will be returning home in a few weeks. In the mail is a letter to her about my decision to leave the church and a copy of the letter I mailed to Church Membership resigning from the church.
In the letter to her I did not address specifics and told her we could have the long talk when she returned. Needless to say, I'm a bit anxious about her return. She will not understand (as most TBM's don't). I want to be respectful of her lifestyle and I hope she will be of mine. Do you guys have any advice?

My first thoughts were to avoid the conflict and act like it was no big deal. However, on fire for the gospel and straight off a mission girl is not likely to be complacent. We were in the RSP together before her mission, so I doubt she will understand.

I open to any thoughts, experiences, or advice.

Free-soil,

You seem to have made the assumption before hand that your friend will return all gung-ho. You overlook the high rate of exMissionaries who fall inactive and leave.

I suggest do not prejudge teh situation and sit with your own integrity. You have nothing to defend. The choices here are not attack or defend - how about some assertiveness?

I have to declare my hand here and declare some old trauma. As a young Mo adult I became infatuated with an older woman (like 2 years older, I was 18, she 20) which was inpart reciprocated. At one point down the road we became quite passionate and thing were moving towards becoming sexual, when she applied the brakes really hard and withdrew emotionally.

It screwed with my head badly, and was one of those bad, yet unexplained experiences I had filed away. One can't let those failures play on the mind too much, which they are prone to do, if you can't get a reason!!

Years later she went on a mission, and still years later again I discovered she had left the Church and was a practicing (well possibly beyond practicing by then), lesbian. When we caught up she shared that she had been involved with a married woman whilst on her mission, and that whilst sitting in the Temple had decided that it was all a crock.

So that episode did a few things! 1. It let me out of prison in terms of the unexplained handbrake stop and 2. Made me appreciate just how complex the head space of missionaries can get.

Daryl

[miss taken]

One of the things I quickly learned when making my very quiet and unassuming exit from the church, is that you really do learn who your friends are. I still count some of my very best friends as True Blue Mormons, they accept me for who I am. I also have a number of inactive friends who I can be more free with when talking over philosophical and religious issues.

I try not to bring up the subject of the church with my member friends, because it just brings up lots of tricky issues, about how they feel about me marrying a non-mormon, etc etc. I have found that if I want to keep my friends in the church, I have to just agree to disagree, and appreciate that there should be some mutual respect there..