Family stuff

[lisa]

I think my question is this. When is the turmoil in my family because of my leaving the church going to end. Or at least calm down. My father has been verry good to give unconditional love and acceptance. My sisters however are as unloving, and judgemental as I have ever seen. To the point of even being abusive towards me. They are trying to sway my children against me. I just want to live my life, and be the strong, and powerful woman I always knew I could be. Their actions are destroying the relationship I had with my kids, and destroying any relationship we may have had.

Thanks for listening....Lisa

[Unregistered]

I think my question is this. When is the turmoil in my family because of my leaving the church going to end. Or at least calm down.

Lisa, unfortunatey, many of us have found that this does not end. However, this is not true for all. Like you, I have a father that is very good about showing unconditional love, and although my mother does in fact love me unconditionally, she makes it very hard to see at times. I think that the difference between how individual Mormon family members react to us once we leave the church is not a question of unconditional vs conditional love, but more a question of acceptance.

I know that both my parents love me unconditionally, but I know that only one of them accepts the life I've chosen. Having already been in their shoes, and thought as they do, we are blessed with the ability to realize that they will, more likely than not, never agree with our decisions. And because of this realization, we must use the Golden Rule as we wish them to. We must continue to show our love for them by accepting the lives they have chosen.

The life that they have chosen and the things they choose to believe tell them that we are in trouble. It tells them that we are sinners. And most importantly it tells them that, indirectly, we are affecting THEIR future heaven with our defiant actions. We must accept this, for this is how they will always see us.

At first, our attitudes and theirs can be extremely similar. We have seen a light, we have seen truth, and we yearn for them to accept this as we do. But at the same time, they feel the exact same way. This is how the family conflict enter the picture. It's very ironic how often sad stories are shared about a convert to the church being shut out by their non-mormon family, but rarely the other way around.

Sadly however, many times separation is an unavoidable occurance. You must try to find a happy medium with your family members; a truce of acceptance if you will. And if that doesn't work, and their actions become so severe that it actually hurts you and your children, distance yourself from them. Distance yourself physically, but try to think of it as a positive move. A move to positively affect your life, instead of a negative effect of your life.

[nancyp]

One book that I found helpful was called the'Art of Verbal Self-Defense'. There are several methods suggested on how to respond without creating an argument.

Any action you take is going to stir up emotions in your siblings. Especially with something so emotional and heavily laden with guilt as church. In rejecting the church, are you rejecting them, their lives, their roles, etc. Especially if they see Daddy saying it's ok. It will stir up a lot of old stuff; some of which you may not even be aware of. It is there stuff and keep it their stuff. (not easy).

As far as children, you may have to take a very direct approach. NOt having been in that situation, I imagine it is difficult. Something like a divorce situation. You don't want to use your children as go betweens.

I try to stay true to yourself, be honest with your kids. Open up your kids to new positive experience that have nothing to do with the church. Read stories that reinforce creativity, imagination, joy, kindness - and avoid obedience and judgments. be as authenic as you can.

Blessings to you,

Nancy


I think my question is this. When is the turmoil in my family because of my leaving the church going to end. Or at least calm down. My father has been verry good to give unconditional love and acceptance. My sisters however are as unloving, and judgemental as I have ever seen. To the point of even being abusive towards me. They are trying to sway my children against me. I just want to live my life, and be the strong, and powerful woman I always knew I could be. Their actions are destroying the relationship I had with my kids, and destroying any relationship we may have had.

Thanks for listening....Lisa