Advice Please

[mushbelly]

I haven't posted here for a long long time. So, let me first introduce myself. I am a 29 year old mother of two. Both dh and I are BIC. I no longer believe, dh does, but he doesn't really go to church. (has gone twice in the last 7 months or so) Yesterday for some reason he decided he wanted to go to church and take our 3 year old with him. I welcomed the break and let them go. Lucy, my 3 year old, came home from church EXTATIC! She LOVED primary. (this was the first time she had ever been to primary) She made new friends, she sang songs, she got a treat, she colored. She spent the rest of the day talking about Jesus and singing primary songs. It is really creeping me out. I'm not even sure I believe in Jesus - and here my 3 year old is singing about him and talking about how we need to be like him. My dh wants to take her to primary every week because he thinks its good for her. I think the opposite - but don't really know how to argue with my dh about it, since he wants her to learn those things. He knows where I stand with my disbelief in the church, but its not something we talk about. WHAT DO I DO? Is it possible for my child to go to primary and not be totally indoctorinated? Can I counteract what is happening at church by presenting a different, more balanced view at home?

Im sure some of you have had to deal with this.....what do I do?

Michelle

[peter_mary]

I haven't posted here for a long long time. So, let me first introduce myself. I am a 29 year old mother of two. Both dh and I are BIC. I no longer believe, dh does, but he doesn't really go to church. (has gone twice in the last 7 months or so) Yesterday for some reason he decided he wanted to go to church and take our 3 year old with him. I welcomed the break and let them go. Lucy, my 3 year old, came home from church EXTATIC! She LOVED primary. (this was the first time she had ever been to primary) She made new friends, she sang songs, she got a treat, she colored. She spent the rest of the day talking about Jesus and singing primary songs. It is really creeping me out. I'm not even sure I believe in Jesus - and here my 3 year old is singing about him and talking about how we need to be like him. My dh wants to take her to primary every week because he thinks its good for her. I think the opposite - but don't really know how to argue with my dh about it, since he wants her to learn those things. He knows where I stand with my disbelief in the church, but its not something we talk about. WHAT DO I DO? Is it possible for my child to go to primary and not be totally indoctorinated? Can I counteract what is happening at church by presenting a different, more balanced view at home?

Im sure some of you have had to deal with this.....what do I do?

Michelle
Welcome back, mushbelly! We've missed you...

Primary is the best program in the Church, because kids LOVE it. It's the one place where the developmental age of the members and the church align :duck:

I wouldn't catastrophize too much, if I were you. Little kids function at a pretty concrete level, and they'll believe anything, including the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. But they aren't necessarily traumitized (or even impacted) by that belief later in life. By the time they reach Junior High, they're starting to think critically, explore what they really believe in, what makes sense to them. And THAT's when you really have the chance to debrief.

Now, obviously we'd all prefer it if our kids never went at all, never got the indoctrination, never learned those songs that they'll never expunge from their gray-matter. But since we share our children with our spouses, we have to accept the reality that our kids are going to learn cultural things from both parents. In your case, that might include church stuff.

My personal experience has been that many, many kids, when they get older and have choices, are quick to abandon their Church roots. Not all, as some members of this forum can attest, but still, very many.

But right now? She's singing songs about Santa Claus. You'll have the chance to really influence her in this area in another 10 years.

I guess, if it were me, I wouldn't lose much sleep over it. Just know that, your husband gets his chance now, while she's developmentally at the same level as the doctrines of the church, and you'll have your chance when she begins to outgrow it. And she will...

Besides...you're her mother!!! Who's she going to look to as her model? You're on safe and solid ground.

Best of luck, mushbelly...we'll be thinking of you!

[free thinker]

I know nothing about raising children. I just want to let you know I read your post and am hoping the best for you.


ft

[jamech]

But since we share our children with our spouses, we have to accept the reality that our kids are going to learn cultural things from both parents.
My husband and I were just talking about this last night. Although we have a huge influence on our kids, they will be exposed to all kinds of cultural stuff both good and bad throughout life. We could raise our kids with reason, logic and open-mindedness and when they are old enough they may choose to align themself with some fundamentalist religion. On the other hand, some kids, completely indoctrinated in Mormonism, will feel stirrings later in life and walk the rocky road out of the church. Ultimately children are individuals and will make their own choices. We guide and direct, but we really can't protect them from all sorts of paradigms that they'll be exposed to throughout life. They are individuals and will eventually choose their own way. I think the best thing we can do for them is love and support them in whatever paths they choose.

Now, that said, mushbelly. I think your children are really lucky. You do share your kids with your husband and it may be that they will have exposure to doctrines in the church that you feel are wrong, but at the same time they will see your example of reason and logic and believe me, you will definitely influence them. The thing that is really cool about your particular situation is your kids will actually have a choice. A lot of us didn't have that (unless you consider the choice between baptism and hell a real choice for an 8-year-old). They'll see one thing in the church and another very different, but wonderful way to live at home (hmmm....not really the hell they hear about at church). As long as the situation is handled gently and with great love, I think it could be a nice opportunity for them to really learn to understand different types of thinking and how to distinguish between their own thoughts and feelings and those that have been thrust on them by others. I think, potentially, it could make them stronger people with broad minds and big hearts. They will also have an opportunity to develop the tolerance and love for ALL people that the church taught, but never really practiced. :)

[peter_mary]

Now, that said, mushbelly. I think your children are really lucky. You do share your kids with your husband and it may be that they will have exposure to doctrines in the church that you feel are wrong, but at the same time they will see your example of reason and logic and believe me, you will definitely influence them. The thing that is really cool about your particular situation is your kids will actually have a choice. A lot of us didn't have that (unless you consider the choice between baptism and hell a real choice for an 8-year-old). They'll see one thing in the church and another very different, but wonderful way to live at home (hmmm....not really the hell they hear about at church). As long as the situation is handled gently and with great love, I think it could be a nice opportunity for them to really learn to understand different types of thinking and how to distinguish between their own thoughts and feelings and those that have been thrust on them by others. I think, potentially, it could make them stronger people with broad minds and big hearts. They will also have an opportunity to develop the tolerance and love for ALL people that the church taught, but never really practiced. :)
There is one other potential benefit, beyond what Jamech has indicated, and that is that your daughter might have the opportunity grow up "bilingual", which could prove invaluable to her if she is growing up in the Mormon Corridor. (I can't remember...do you live in "Zion" or in the "Mission Field?") Our kids, as well as my wife and I, have found great benefit in knowing how to talk with Mormons AND everybody else. The more you know about more people, cultures and paradigms, the greater your opportunities to navigate the world in which you live.

Still...that doesn't make it EASY to listen to your daughter if she's ever marching around the house, chanting, "Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet, he knows the way-ay..." :p

[elder_nomo]

I haven't posted here for a long long time. So, let me first introduce myself. I am a 29 year old mother of two. Both dh and I are BIC. I no longer believe, dh does, but he doesn't really go to church. (has gone twice in the last 7 months or so) Yesterday for some reason he decided he wanted to go to church and take our 3 year old with him. I welcomed the break and let them go. Lucy, my 3 year old, came home from church EXTATIC! She LOVED primary. (this was the first time she had ever been to primary) She made new friends, she sang songs, she got a treat, she colored. She spent the rest of the day talking about Jesus and singing primary songs. It is really creeping me out. I'm not even sure I believe in Jesus - and here my 3 year old is singing about him and talking about how we need to be like him. My dh wants to take her to primary every week because he thinks its good for her. I think the opposite - but don't really know how to argue with my dh about it, since he wants her to learn those things. He knows where I stand with my disbelief in the church, but its not something we talk about. WHAT DO I DO? Is it possible for my child to go to primary and not be totally indoctorinated? Can I counteract what is happening at church by presenting a different, more balanced view at home?

Im sure some of you have had to deal with this.....what do I do?

Michelle
I don't have kids and am totally unqualified to give advice on this, so please take anything I say with a HUGE grain of salt. But I just can't let this go without someone expressing a different point of view.

You said....
She spent the rest of the day talking about Jesus and singing primary songs. It is really creeping me out.
And.....
My dh wants to take her to primary every week because he thinks its good for her. I think the opposite

You obviously are less than thrilled with this idea. Why does DH get to have his way and you have to swallow this whole? Aren't your ideas for raising your child just as important as his? Can't there be a compromise?

I'm sure Dear Daughter had a great time at primary, making new friends, singing songs, enjoying treats, coloring. But primary isn't the only place she can do these things. Maybe check with your local library or rec center for kids programs?

Even if she continues going to primary, how about finding alternative fun activities that are not church-related *anyway*, so DD can see that the church is not the only source of fun and learning.

And yes, I think it's a great idea to be aware of presenting a more balanced view at home. You can instill in her a sense of curiosity and inquisitiveness that the church will be trying to quash.

Best wishes.

[megawatts]

I have been struggling with some of these same concerns too. I have three kids 8, 6 and 3. My mother loves to take the kids to church and they LOVE going with her. They come home singing all the songs and telling me all about Jesus and how he was killed on a cross and all the other stories that are not appropriate for my kids. My husband (who is a nevermo) and I really struggle with all of this. I left the church soon after my oldest turned 4 so she didn't really get the whole primary experience from us. I decided not to let my kids go to primary and only to sacrament with my mom. I figure they are young enough that they won't really listen and just enjoy chowing bread and drinking water. (this only happens three times a year and I am hoping that the thrill will end soon or I will have to help it end)

I couldn't do the primary thing because the lessons they teach in the classes are so against my personal beliefs and I didn't feel comfortable letting her sit through lessons I was unable to sit in on too. We live in Logan Utah and it has been a huge struggle because my kids get a lot of religious crap from friends and their parents. I have been disgusted with some of the things they come home with.

I like everyones thoughts on the subject. I guess I want to spare my kids the years of guilt and unhappiness the church has given me. I still struggle through the ingrained sense of guilt and really would rather not pass that on to my kids. We discuss religion a lot in our house and make sure they recognize there are a lot of other religions out there and that you don't even have to believe in God or Jesus.

[mushbelly]

Elder nomo - I do basically get my way. Like I said, this was my dd's first time in primary. We typically don't go to church. Dh wants her to go occasionally. Even he doesn't want her to go evey week - mostly because he doesn't want to ge every week himself.

Thank you all for your advice. I will probably let dh take her every few months when he decides he wants to. hopefully he won't start wanting to take her more than that.

mushbelly