New Editorial by Arza Evans!!

[Jeff_Ricks]

Today a new editorial by Arza Evans was published in our Post-Mormon magazine. Arza is author of an excellent book, Keystone of Mormonism (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0972881301/qid=1109619729/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-2633887-9949522).

(For any guests or newbies, click on the magazine tab above and look for his article under Editorials)

Jeff

[peter_mary]

I love all the new stuff in the magazine!

I have to comment on my experience with Arza's thesis, namely that the Church uses the power of the family as a means for control and coercion.

When I joined the Church at 19, I was the only Mormon in my family. I had been raised attending the Methodist Church roughly 5-6 times a year, never baptized, and hardly schooled in anything but the doctrine of "love one another."

I was fortunate in that I wasn't married in the temple...though that was the original plan (ahem :o ). To this day I remain grateful beyond comprehension that my parents siblings and grandparents were not relegated to the temple grounds while my wife's family were all afforded the privilege of watching us get married...though that is exactly what happened one year later when we were sealed. My mother, bless her heart, waited outside with our 2 month old daughter, who would be sealed to us after we were sealed together. She was still there, tears of rejection in her eyes when we came out, standing resolutely with the devotion only a mother can muster. My father wasn't there. And I don't blame him.

But a strange thing happened after we were "an eternal family." Though very close to my family while growing up, I found a growing chasm between us as I moved into the daily ebb and flow of Mormon life--a life which didn't include my non-Mormon family.

Now in fairness, this was not due to some insidious policy of the Church. I did this. I own it. Nevertheless, the seperateness and specialness I felt as a member of the one true Church was enough to shape my thinking in a way that my own family no longer "made sense to me." I was gravitating to my wife's family, who were TBM all the way back to the Martin Handcart company. In time, I found I had no relationship with my non-Mormon family. We had nothing in common, we spoke a different language, we valued and believed different things, and subsequently, engaging with my family became increasingnly difficult to the point of prefering not to.

The tragedy here is I'm talking about salt-of-the-earth people. These were educated, thoughtful, intelligent and NICE people, to whom I couldn't relate because they failed to see the truthfullness of the gospel as I had.

Now 20 years later, I am trying to re-build bridges, but I'm afraid some of them will never be more than superficial rope bridges--not capable of bearing much of a load. While the Church did not sit me down and tell me I had to abandon my family, they did do two things that contributed to that end result:

1) The culture of the Church consumes you, wraps you tightly in its folds, and keeps you so busy and focussed that you only have Church things in your mind. You eat, sleep, breath, drink and ultimately die Church, and so you have no means whereby you can truly identify with people who don't share those values. That's not to say it is impossible for Mormons to have non-Mormon associations...but it is hard, uncommon, and OFTEN very superficial. True Believing Mormons do not know how to relate to any but other True Believing Mormons. This works great if your family is slaving away beside you on the Church merry-go-round. It sucks if they aren't.

2) The guilt you feel for not converting your own family is crushing. I was certain I would be held accountable for my failure to bring my family to the Church, yet because I knew my family, I knew it wasn't possible to do that. They weren't coming! That guilt created a barrier, and pushed them out of my life. I couldn't face the guilt and shame, and it was replete in every encounter I had with my family. So it was better to cut them off in self-rightous piety than to deal with the guilt over and over again.

Not only did I lose my family when I went in, but we lost the possibility of an authentic relationship with my in-laws when we came out. So here we find ourselves, a little island seperated by a gulf from both families, and all due to the wacky psychology of Church-think.

Yay. Families are forever. Or Families are Whatever. :( Arza is right. Families are the most powerful manipulative force the Church holds in its grasp.

Paul

[noodle]

I couldn't agree more with Paul. Ditto my own personal experience, and he is absolutely right. I OWN this experience. For me, I got where I couldn't relax around my family, and felt awkward with their alcohol and coffee consumption. :eek:
What an amazing waste...I have the coolest family who continued to be so kind to me when I was distancing myself from them, both physically and emotionally.

mamajama

[Born Free]

Yay. Families are forever. Or Families are Whatever. :( Arza is right. Families are the most powerful manipulative force the Church holds in its grasp.

Paul

Paul,

I always enjoy your perceptiveness and capacity to tell your story skillfully and compassionately.

One of the identifiers of a cult is its skill at driving wedges between members and their non-member family members. I believe that any effort to illuminate Moism for what it is should highlight it true colours on family.

Your story of your Mum waiting outside crying hit hard. That is a haunting picture, and in a few words tells Mormonism how it is. Forget the glitzy "families are together" schmaltz; this is what they promote, unless you all join the throng.

I had a look at the review. It sounds like a hard hitting book that might he hard ot rebuff.

Daryl

[miss taken]

I thought his article was extremely perceptive, and would thoroughly recommend it. My parents nearly divorced when they joined the church back in the 70's. A very perceptive LDS man told my mother that she ought to put her family before the church, which is what she did, thank God.

I lived for many years with the thought that my parents would be damned because they were inactive, I just didn't understand because they were both such good people, they just didn't believe in the church (they went inactive very quickly - dad before mum), and dad immediately saw it as a mens corporation.

For me, leaving the church, meant that I could again become a full part of my family, without judgement and condemnation.

My heart goes out to family members caught in this web of distructive attitudes.

Mary

[Alicia]

My mother cried when I left her in the foyer of the Salt Lake Temple to marry my husband. I almost balled through my whole wedding. (My mother in-law was very worried, I think. :o ) My mother is very excited that I have left the church. I feel more relaxed around people because I don’t feel like I have to reactivate or convert any one. It’s nice.
Alicia

[dogzilla]

Actually, this topic might be one of the reasons I left the church when I left home for college.

I knew, should I meet a great guy and want to get married, that I'd have two choices. Do it the secular way, like everyone else and involve my mom and my sister and everyone who loved me. Do it the mormon way and cut out everyone but my dad and step mom. And I also couldn't square up my choices with "Families are Forever."

[Born Free]

Actually, this topic might be one of the reasons I left the church when I left home for college.

I knew, should I meet a great guy and want to get married, that I'd have two choices. Do it the secular way, like everyone else and involve my mom and my sister and everyone who loved me. Do it the mormon way and cut out everyone but my dad and step mom. And I also couldn't square up my choices with "Families are Forever."

I can see a great opportunity for someone to make a short movie that tells of the pain of families ripped asunder by this Mo Temple Marriage process.

Could be very powerful.

[miss taken]

I can see a great opportunity for someone to make a short movie that tells of the pain of families ripped asunder by this Mo Temple Marriage process.

Could be very powerful.

Shows how legalities and culture can have such a big emotional impact on people in the case of marriages.

Over here in the UK, the law DOES NOT recognise the legality of a temple marriage, and so we HAVE to get married civilly first. That usually keeps everyone happy, because everyone gets to see the civil wedding as normal, and the 'mormon' bit is an add on when all the festivities have finished...!! So no big family ramifications over here as far as I know..