Happy Freakin' Birthday Relief Society

[silverfox]

My TBM daughter asked me to help her decorate the cultural hall for the Relief Society Birthday party her ward was having. She was in charge of the decorations. I told her I'd be happy to help. No big deal. Whatever.

So as we were shopping for decorations she said I should just stay for the dinner with her so she'd have someone to sit with. She tried to entice me with the food, etc. (what???? NO GREEN JELLO????)

I declined. She kept bugging me so I tried to make a deal with her. Okay, I'll go as long as you promise to go to my Unbaptism Party with some ex-mormons.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oooookay. I guess. I don't want to say anything, though. Why would you have to say anything, I asked?

After about 20 minutes she stated that it was okay if I didn't go. She didn't want to go to my Unbaptism Party.
(darn it!!!!!)

[Born Free]

My TBM daughter asked me to help her decorate the cultural hall for the Relief Society Birthday party her ward was having. She was in charge of the decorations. I told her I'd be happy to help. No big deal. Whatever.

So as we were shopping for decorations she said I should just stay for the dinner with her so she'd have someone to sit with. She tried to entice me with the food, etc. (what???? NO GREEN JELLO????)

I declined. She kept bugging me so I tried to make a deal with her. Okay, I'll go as long as you promise to go to my Unbaptism Party with some ex-mormons.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oooookay. I guess. I don't want to say anything, though. Why would you have to say anything, I asked?

After about 20 minutes she stated that it was okay if I didn't go. She didn't want to go to my Unbaptism Party.
(darn it!!!!!)

Take along a good bottle of champers and propose a toast to one of few women's organisations that has become more tokenistic and gone backwards across 180 odd years.

In its early days the women had some power. Now they are just puppets playing on the periphery! What a feat!

Daryl

[nancyp]

This is my pet peeve about exmormons. You can tell me it is none of my business and butt out. BUT

What is more important to be right or to have a relationship. (I take it this is an adult daughter). I'll take the relationship. This works whether my adult child is a practicing catholic or a 30 year old beach bum.

What do we gain when we are sarcastic with our member relatives. What does civility cost us. I personally believe that my civility in such situations actually demonstrates that Mormons are not the only kind, considerate, people in the world. That my continuing to be pleasant to old members demonstrates that goodness is a universal human trait. I guess I also think I will be damned if I am going to get into some petty squabble or play word games.

Maybe I'm just being a softie. Or since I am married to a kind TBM, I just not going to prove a point any more.

I try to follow these words from Mary Oliver

As Mary Oliver says
“I give them –one, two, three, four – the kiss of courtesy, of sweet thanks, of anger, of good luck… But I will not give them the kiss of complicity. I will not give them the responsibility for my life.
The kiss of courtesy, I am courteous and respectful of my former community. Living and laughing well is the best revenge.
The kiss of sweet thanks - I do give the church sweet thanks for the hours of experience in teaching, leading, and organizing. I give them thanks for communities I have been part of. And I give them thanks for structure and order during chaos.
I give them the kiss of anger
That kiss is directed towards two things – the years lost when my pain was considered equivalent to sin or lack of spirituality. It took professional help to get that straighten out. And the other is my anger towards “Kind intolerance; hate the sin but love the sinner intolerance”. That makes me angry. Dividing the world into black and white, in and out, gay and straight. The table is set and there isn’t room at it for people who are different.
The kiss of good luck.
And I wish them good luck, although they seem to be doing quite well enough on their own.
“I give them –one, two, three, four – the kiss of courtesy, of sweet thanks, of anger, of good luck… But I will not give them the kiss of complicity. I will not give them the responsibility for my life.
A lifetime isn’t long enough for the beauty of this world. Scatter your flowers over the graves, and walk away. Be good natured and untidy in your exuberance.
I have scattered my flowers, I have walked away, I am hopefully good-natured, and untidy in my exuberance. My life is not tidily tied up. I do not have everything logically laid out, and some pieces of my life do not fit together. In fact sometimes my life is a mess, but it is my exuberant mess.


Nancy




My TBM daughter asked me to help her decorate the cultural hall for the Relief Society Birthday party her ward was having. She was in charge of the decorations. I told her I'd be happy to help. No big deal. Whatever.

So as we were shopping for decorations she said I should just stay for the dinner with her so she'd have someone to sit with. She tried to entice me with the food, etc. (what???? NO GREEN JELLO????)

I declined. She kept bugging me so I tried to make a deal with her. Okay, I'll go as long as you promise to go to my Unbaptism Party with some ex-mormons.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oooookay. I guess. I don't want to say anything, though. Why would you have to say anything, I asked?

After about 20 minutes she stated that it was okay if I didn't go. She didn't want to go to my Unbaptism Party.
(darn it!!!!!)

[lsands]

Dear Nancy,
I really enjoyed the Mary Oliver quote that you posted; it's a good thing to keep in mind. BTW, I think that by agreeing to help her daughter decorate, Silverfox IS being respectful and supportive of her daughter; she just drew the line at attending the event itself and the pressure her daughter put on her. By inviting her daughter to her un-baptism, she helped her daughter see what inviting her to attend the party really meant to her.

Thanks for posting.

Laraine

[silverfox]

This is my pet peeve about exmormons. You can tell me it is none of my business and butt out. BUT

What is more important to be right or to have a relationship. (I take it this is an adult daughter). I'll take the relationship. This works whether my adult child is a practicing catholic or a 30 year old beach bum.

What do we gain when we are sarcastic with our member relatives. What does civility cost us. I personally believe that my civility in such situations actually demonstrates that Mormons are not the only kind, considerate, people in the world. That my continuing to be pleasant to old members demonstrates that goodness is a universal human trait. I guess I also think I will be damned if I am going to get into some petty squabble or play word games.

Maybe I'm just being a softie. Or since I am married to a kind TBM, I just not going to prove a point any more.


Nancy

How ironic, I find one of my pet peeves about Mormons is that many feel it is more important to be right than focus on the relationship. I am still amazed at how many marriages fall apart when one spouse no longer believes.

I find it interesting that you found our exchange sarcastic and disrespectful. We are the closest buddies and have a very unique understanding of each other. Because she lives only a few blocks away we get to see other daily. She is my bestest buddy. (I smile just thinking of her)

ME going to the RS party has nothing to do with our relationship. Nor does HER going to my Unbaptism party. Our relationship is NOT based on such trivial things. Luckily my family has accpeted my decision to leave the church and our relationship has never been better. It's amazing!

Is it disrespectful to continually NAG someone to join in an activity they don't care for? IMO, yes, it is and I won't do that. Ever. With any activity I feel anyone is uncomfortable with. And I expect the same respect and consideration. My inviting her to my Unbaptism Party which I know she will be uncomfortable with because she feels I should not leave the church, was to help her understand how uncomfortable it is for me to do something I don't agree with. It worked. Again, trivial stuff. Unimportant.

Religion plays a very very small role in my relationship with my family, my kids, ANYONE. There is so much more that we cherish and love about each other. Life is good. No, I take that back. Life is GREAT.

I want to mention I had a blast helping her decorate. We always have fun.

[pokatator]

The kiss of courtesy, I am courteous and respectful of my former community. Living and laughing well is the best revenge. Nancy
When I have an event to go back to, a blessing,funeral, etc., I try to go out of my way to "kill them with kindness". It kills them to see someone happy and free. It's not an act or a put on, I am happy being outed. They can feel it. I have nothing to gain being anything other than myself.

Randy

[silverfox]

When I have an event to go back to, a blessing,funeral, etc., I try to go out of my way to "kill them with kindness". It kills them to see someone happy and free. It's not an act or a put on, I am happy being outed. They can feel it. I have nothing to gain being anything other than myself.

Randy

What is interesting about this for me is, I've always considered myself a kind person. None of that has changed just because I am ex mo. If anything I feel I am more kind and gracious and accepting.

So when I attend any kind of church activity (like my granddaughter's baby blessing) I am no different than I ever was personality wise. I don't go out of my way to be kind......I am just ME.

It was nice meeting some of the ladies my daughter associates with and we all worked together setting up the tables, decorating, getting the food out, etc. No one would know by how I acted that I was an Ex Mo.

I helped with the babies that the mommies had to bring while they did what they needed to do. This has nothing to do with being Mo. It's just my nature.

Okay - but this is funny. When daughter and I got to the church the lady who was supposed to meet us to open the doors was about 10 minutes late. Daughter was becoming anxious but I reminded her......(please don't take offense -this is how my daughter and I have fun)

Let's see, this is a Mormon. So 1) at the last minute the baby pooped (I didn't even know if she had a baby) and she had to change the diaper or 2) she decided to write out that tithing check so she can drop it off while she is in the church or 3) she was on the phone setting up her visiting teacher appointments and got caught up in a conversation or 4) the green jello hasn't set up yet.

We giggled and laughed. After a few minutes the lady pulled up, got out of the car, apologized. "Sorry, the baby SMELLED really bad as I was walking out the door and I had to change him!"

Daughter and I just looked at each other and burst out giggling. (and I was only kidding when making out that check list!)

[nancyp]

Thanks for explaining - sounds like you have a great relationship - and if you can joke about it - and it goes both ways - then great.

I think I'm a kinder person as an ex. Better all the way around because when no one is telling you what you have to do, have to be, should say or shouldn't say, you have the opportunity to grow towards integrity in a real way. It is a lot easier to be compassionate when you don't have any little red judge flags going off.

You become part of the human race, sipping coffee, doing the best you can.

Nancy



What is interesting about this for me is, I've always considered myself a kind person. None of that has changed just because I am ex mo. If anything I feel I am more kind and gracious and accepting.

So when I attend any kind of church activity (like my granddaughter's baby blessing) I am no different than I ever was personality wise. I don't go out of my way to be kind......I am just ME.

It was nice meeting some of the ladies my daughter associates with and we all worked together setting up the tables, decorating, getting the food out, etc. No one would know by how I acted that I was an Ex Mo.

I helped with the babies that the mommies had to bring while they did what they needed to do. This has nothing to do with being Mo. It's just my nature.

Okay - but this is funny. When daughter and I got to the church the lady who was supposed to meet us to open the doors was about 10 minutes late. Daughter was becoming anxious but I reminded her......(please don't take offense -this is how my daughter and I have fun)

Let's see, this is a Mormon. So 1) at the last minute the baby pooped (I didn't even know if she had a baby) and she had to change the diaper or 2) she decided to write out that tithing check so she can drop it off while she is in the church or 3) she was on the phone setting up her visiting teacher appointments and got caught up in a conversation or 4) the green jello hasn't set up yet.

We giggled and laughed. After a few minutes the lady pulled up, got out of the car, apologized. "Sorry, the baby SMELLED really bad as I was walking out the door and I had to change him!"

Daughter and I just looked at each other and burst out giggling. (and I was only kidding when making out that check list!)

[lsands]

[QUOTE=nancyp
You become part of the human race, sipping coffee, doing the best you can.

Nancy[/QUOTE]

I agree completely! And now when we're kind it's because we CHOOSE to as an expression of our desires and nature, rather than because we're afraid of eternal damnation.

[silverfox]

Thanks for explaining - sounds like you have a great relationship - and if you can joke about it - and it goes both ways - then great.

I think I'm a kinder person as an ex. Better all the way around because when no one is telling you what you have to do, have to be, should say or shouldn't say, you have the opportunity to grow towards integrity in a real way. It is a lot easier to be compassionate when you don't have any little red judge flags going off.

You become part of the human race, sipping coffee, doing the best you can.

Nancy

"You have the opportunity ot grow towards integrity in a real way" YES! It's all about CHOICE and making good sound decisions because you WANT to. And being able to feel good about it because YOU are responsible for that choice.

Yes, things go both ways with my daughter. She teases that if I ever piss her off she will have temple work done for me after I am dead. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!