What Made Us Think as Unbelievers We Were Alone?

[silverfox]

I've read it over and over in this forum how so many of us felt we were so alone in our non beliefs. We didn't dare talk about it, admit it, etc, etc, etc. We clung on to what little bit of the "truth" that we could to survive in a world of whom we thought were TBMs.

Stumbling upon all the exMo sites really opened my eyes. I had no idea there was a whole community of members who were JUST LIKE ME!

How is it that so many of us felt so all alone during our first baby steps out of the church? It's in that lonely stage that my world felt as though it was falling apart. Once I found others like me, I felt reborn.

What is it in the church's teachings that encourage those lonely feelings? The threat of eternal damnation? The threat of being bannished? The feelings of not being worthy, something is wrong with us because we no longer believe?

Had I not found the boards I've found I would have never had the guts to send in my resignation letter. So IF (big if, IMO) there is a hell or punishment for me doing so, at least I know I won't be alone. I will be with people just like me.

I find this so very interesting - how so many of us have shared the same emotions and experiences on our way out.

Now when I run into Mos or end up in a church for whatever reason, I always wonder who really are the TBMs and who aren't. I know there are members just like me going through emotions I did. You just never know.

[miss taken]

I've read it over and over in this forum how so many of us felt we were so alone in our non beliefs. We didn't dare talk about it, admit it, etc, etc, etc. We clung on to what little bit of the "truth" that we could to survive in a world of whom we thought were TBMs.

Stumbling upon all the exMo sites really opened my eyes. I had no idea there was a whole community of members who were JUST LIKE ME!

How is it that so many of us felt so all alone during our first baby steps out of the church? It's in that lonely stage that my world felt as though it was falling apart. Once I found others like me, I felt reborn.

What is it in the church's teachings that encourage those lonely feelings? The threat of eternal damnation? The threat of being bannished? The feelings of not being worthy, something is wrong with us because we no longer believe?

Had I not found the boards I've found I would have never had the guts to send in my resignation letter. So IF (big if, IMO) there is a hell or punishment for me doing so, at least I know I won't be alone. I will be with people just like me.

I find this so very interesting - how so many of us have shared the same emotions and experiences on our way out.

Now when I run into Mos or end up in a church for whatever reason, I always wonder who really are the TBMs and who aren't. I know there are members just like me going through emotions I did. You just never know.

I remember the first time that I publically mentioned my doubts about Joseph Smith to a guy who I had dated, he kind of looked at me and then said... 'that's satanic'

I think all my friends (mostly) were in the church, and the ones I had out of it, I just kept quiet about the whole thing, they knew I was LDS, because I never ever made a secret of it, but they thought it was a bit wierd, though someone did say that people that join cults tended to be thinkers, searching for answers, said in a respectful way.

I found, that you just don't talk about your doubts and questions, because you are encouraged not to, and frowned upon for doing so, so you just bottle it all up.
Mary

[silverfox]

I remember the first time that I publically mentioned my doubts about Joseph Smith to a guy who I had dated, he kind of looked at me and then said... 'that's satanic'

I think all my friends (mostly) were in the church, and the ones I had out of it, I just kept quiet about the whole thing, they knew I was LDS, because I never ever made a secret of it, but they thought it was a bit wierd, though someone did say that people that join cults tended to be thinkers, searching for answers, said in a respectful way.

I found, that you just don't talk about your doubts and questions, because you are encouraged not to, and frowned upon for doing so, so you just bottle it all up.
Mary

I've noticed that I have MAJOR trust issues now. I've always had trust issues but always trusted, regardless. I took the chance. Many times with undesirable results. But I am amazed at how much I question the sincerity of anyone. I have a hard time distinguishing what is sincere and what isn't. I don't like it.

I think this is a result of "losing" all my Mo friends or being treated differently by them now.

[dogzilla]

Actually, my experience has been quite the opposite. It was because I was swimming in a sea of non-mormons that I had the courage to let it all go. Because I realized I wasn't alone and there were hundreds of people all around me who weren't being struck by lightning or anything, I was able to decide I didn't need to believe in all the BS anymore.

I didn't go to a mormon school, I didn't live in a heavily-mo area... I was the only one I knew where I went to school. Well, actually there was another girl my age (whose parents were profs at my school) and she took off for Utah shortly after I arrived at school. My transition away from the church was very easy because I had a much larger non-mo support system and practically zero mormon peer pressure to stay.

[tjohnson]

Here's a very simple yet complete answer to some of those questions... (this is from Rethinking Mormonism at http://www.i4m.com/think/):

Why is “recovery from Mormonism” is such a difficult, lengthy process for many people? In the early days of my leaving the church I had a simplified view of recovery – stop attending all Mormon church functions, find some non-Mormon friends, figure out some fun activities to do on Sunday, and generally just start living like a typical non-Mormon.

But I see now that this is an over-simplification. Over a period of months, I have been attempting to get in touch with the real nature of “recovery from Mormonism”. This has led me to a new theory of recovery, which I describe below.

Life is a process of growing and maturing from an intellectual and emotional perspective. We go through many stages of growth. Pre-teen children must find their place in the family and with their friends and schoolmates. They struggle to learn about the world and learn how to interact socially with their peers. Through the teenage years, the process of socialization is paramount. People struggle to find their own identity, to become comfortable with their own sexuality, and they work on making the transition from childhood to adulthood. Education and learning are emphasized, as teenagers try to determine what career or job area they will take up. The world with all its political and social problems, becomes an area of interest and concern for teenagers.

As people reach adulthood (say age twenty-one) many are still struggling with and working on issues that became known to them in the mid- to late-teen years. The decade of one’s twenties is normally a period of major growth. Very few people are stable, mature adults at age twenty-one. People usually make major decisions such as marriage, family, and career during their twenties. Such decisions are fraught with problems and anxiety, and life often does not go smoothly. So people have to learn to handle problems and disappointment, and they must develop and refine their coping skills.

The growth and maturing of people continues through their thirties and forties, and even afterward. Hopefully a person is reasonably stable and squared-away in life by age thirty, but not necessarily. They should have learned to think and analyze, and should have good coping and survival skills. Problems of raising a family and job-related issues often come to the forefront during the thirties and early forties. As people grow, issues of marriage and relationships frequently arise. People who fell in love as teen-agers and married in their early twenties often discover that the fires of love have cooled and they need to find real world reasons to be happy and content with their spouse. Differences in viewpoints on politics, religion, and lifestyle must be faced and resolved.

Now, let me relate all this to Mormonism. The Mormon Church tries very hard to be the end-all answer to all its members. It is much more than just a set of religious beliefs. It tells you both what to believe and how best to live your life. It is a social organization, to which members turn for all their social needs. Mormons meet and date members of the opposite sex, and usually marry within the church. The young men often go on a mission, which usually serves to solidify their beliefs and participation in the church. Women are groomed to become mothers and rise the next generation of Mormons. The church preaches a lifestyle which is outwardly simple – live a righteous life, trust in God, be humble and prayerful, follow the teachings of the church, and then your life will be on track. If problems arise, it is just the Lord “testing you”, and He will help you to get through the problems.

In all of this the Mormon Church is a self-contained approach to life. The members obtain all their religious opinions from the church and they have all their social needs fulfilled there. Independent thinking is discouraged, as the church emphasizes obedience and unquestioning faith. This creates a life for members that is, in many ways, effectively cut off from the rest of the world. It is a form of social and intellectual inbreeding. There is no need to look further than the general authorities and the stake and ward leaders for truth, wisdom, and enlightenment.

The problem that Mormonism creates for its members is that it greatly interferes with the normal, healthy maturation and growth process that I described earlier. By providing a complete life for its members, by answering all of life’s questions, the Mormon Church stunts the intellectual and emotional growth of its members. By spoon feeding them all the answers, the church keeps the members in a dependent, child-like state. Instead of becoming healthy, independent adult thinkers, Mormons learn to look to the brethren for all the answers.

Most Mormons manage to find a reasonably stable life for themselves within the confines of the church, although it is not without its challenges. Many (probably a majority) of believing Mormons experience mental health problems because the answers provided by the church are frequently inadequate to deal with real world problems and challenges. The philosophy of “grin and bear it because the Lord is testing you” does not always work.

But when an adult Mormon decides, for a variety of reasons, that the Mormon Church is not “true” and is not the great answer to life that is claims to be, then that person faces a major challenge. In leaving the Mormon Church, the person needs to learn to think, analyze, and deal with the world and its challenges. No longer are all the answers handed to the person on a silver platter. That person needs to go through the growth and maturation process that was stunted for so long by Mormonism. Not all people are the same – some find the transition to ex-Mormon relatively easy, while others have a very difficult time.

So here we have the essence of the challenge of recovery from Mormonism – to learn to become a confident, self-reliant, independent thinking person who has the knowledge and self-assurance to trust in his/her own judgment. No longer is there an outside source (the Mormon Church) which provides all the answers. The person must learn to see oneself as he/she really is, to learn to see the world as it really is, and learn to successfully deal with and thrive in that real world.

The person who is leaving Mormonism must make up for all the years that were lost while being spoon-fed the answers to life by Mormonism. That is why recovery from Mormonism is often such a difficult, protracted process.

[nate]

Here's a very simple yet complete answer to some of those questions... (this is from Rethinking Mormonism at http://www.i4m.com/think/):

Why is “recovery from Mormonism” is such a difficult, lengthy process for many people? In the early days of my leaving the church I had a simplified view of recovery – stop attending all Mormon church functions, find some non-Mormon friends, figure out some fun activities to do on Sunday, and generally just start living like a typical non-Mormon.


Thanks for posting that!

[silverfox]

The person who is leaving Mormonism must make up for all the years that were lost while being spoon-fed the answers to life by Mormonism. That is why recovery from Mormonism is often such a difficult, protracted process.

Yes, thanks for sharing! That was very informative.

I often am curious why for some their recovery period is shorter than for others. In my experience I had to be very careful to not let my disappointment and anger become an obsession.

I feel I am at a point now that I am very comfortable with my Post mo'ism. I still become frustrated - living in Utard, Mo'ism is very much in your face so I am exposed to it on a regular basis. Most of all I still feel I have lost a lot of years to Mo'ism. And I regret that I can't "make up for that". All I know to do is to embrace life, celebrate it, and enjoy it. If I remain bitter then Mo'ism has won, IMO. They still have control.

The most difficult challenge, for me, was to let go of the anger and resentment. IMO, it's more difficult to let go of it when you feel alone.

[Born Free]

Yes, thanks for sharing! That was very informative.

I often am curious why for some their recovery period is shorter than for others. In my experience I had to be very careful to not let my disappointment and anger become an obsession.

I feel I am at a point now that I am very comfortable with my Post mo'ism. I still become frustrated - living in Utard, Mo'ism is very much in your face so I am exposed to it on a regular basis. Most of all I still feel I have lost a lot of years to Mo'ism. And I regret that I can't "make up for that". All I know to do is to embrace life, celebrate it, and enjoy it. If I remain bitter then Mo'ism has won, IMO. They still have control.

The most difficult challenge, for me, was to let go of the anger and resentment. IMO, it's more difficult to let go of it when you feel alone.

As I have stated on the "Agendas" thread, making sense of and moving beyond teh anger is my biggest challenge.

And I think it is significantly at myself for trusting someone who not only did not deserve to be trusted, but was cumulatively abusive.

I am not a stupid person, so my mind regularly called incongruences or low level logic on the Church's behalf to my attention, but I now appreciate the extent of the MASSIVE system orchestrating fear, social pressures, family pressures, misinformation, etc., etc. to have me ignore and distrust my own knowing.

So it all comes down to being "F#*%$d over in the name of Faith" for me; true spiritual rape. Sort of coming to see that "Trust me, I represent the Lord", was really "Give me your trust and I will screw you over like you wouldn't believe!"

Daryl

[smallone]

I felt so alone because the previous 11 years were spent rallying only the most TBM people I could find around me. When the wall came tumbling down there was no one to turn to who would understand me (except for my DH), or so I thought. As I have talked to a few of my friends-and when I say a few, I mean only a few- I find that in some way they doubt, but would never dream of leaving. That is the seperating point, where it turns very lonely. I believe that a lot of that has to do with the way the church makes apaostates feel and also the way the TBMs treat them. Like we are wicked and evil. That we must be doing something terribly wrong in our lives. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends the way I used to, if I tell them about our problems we have had lately-they automatically assume it is our punishment from god for leaving. Or we hear comments like- maybe your luck will change if you go back. This makes it even harder. I wonder how much easier it would be to live outside of Utah? However, I am truly grateful to Jeff and all the other members of our Cache Valley Group- they make it bearable!! Thanks guys & gals!!! So do boards like this one!!! Thanks everyone!!! :D

[miss taken]

I felt so alone because the previous 11 years were spent rallying only the most TBM people I could find around me. When the wall came tumbling down there was no one to turn to who would understand me (except for my DH), or so I thought. As I have talked to a few of my friends-and when I say a few, I mean only a few- I find that in some way they doubt, but would never dream of leaving. That is the seperating point, where it turns very lonely. I believe that a lot of that has to do with the way the church makes apaostates feel and also the way the TBMs treat them. Like we are wicked and evil. That we must be doing something terribly wrong in our lives. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends the way I used to, if I tell them about our problems we have had lately-they automatically assume it is our punishment from god for leaving. Or we hear comments like- maybe your luck will change if you go back. This makes it even harder. I wonder how much easier it would be to live outside of Utah? However, I am truly grateful to Jeff and all the other members of our Cache Valley Group- they make it bearable!! Thanks guys!!! So do boards like this one!!! Thanks everyone!!! :D

Smallone dont you DARE define yourself in the way the church wants to define you. I have done that myself and still do on occassion and it is WRONG. You are an honest seeker of truth, you are to be admired for your bravery, and I think underneath all the brainwashing and hype, a lot of the LDS members will be thinking that too.

And despite all this twaddle about leaving the church being an easy road, no, no, no that it aint. It's hard, it takes courage, fortitude, and bravery, but my bet is that someone will come out a more balanced, healthy person as long as they know themselves and are true to themselves (and how many times did I hear that in the church).
Mary