What am I doing? I'm going too far!

[mushbelly]

I have been slowly drifting away from the church for about 6 months now. Slowly learning new things and slowly realizing that the church is not true. Problem is - in the beginning it was all just an interesting thing to think about and to ponder - now I realize that I've come way too far and learned way too much to ever go back, even if I wanted to....which I don't - but I havn't really talked to anyone about my feelings besides my dh (who is absolutely NOT supportive) and my two close friends who have already left the church. What happens when my family discovers what I've been doing...what happens when my dh says "enough" and no longer sits quietly by while I throw our "eternal marriage" away? (surely this is exactly what he feels I am doing by rejecting the gosple) Will I still not want to come back - or will I buckle under the pressure and just want to get "plugged back in" and forget all that I've learned? I'm not even sure I am willing to leave the church entirely- not sure I am willing to take that risk with my marriage or my relationships with my family. I don't know if I could break my mother's heart like that. But the farther I come the harder it is going to be to go back. After knowing all that I know - am I stupid for even entertaining the thought of going back? I am confused and starting to panick a little. This is something that I have probably been taking too lightly - the damage I could do could be huge.

Sorry - I'm rambling. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here.....maybe just reassurance or advice. Has anyone been where I am? Can anyone relate?

Michelle

[Born Free]

I have been slowly drifting away from the church for about 6 months now. Slowly learning new things and slowly realizing that the church is not true. Problem is - in the beginning it was all just an interesting thing to think about and to ponder - now I realize that I've come way too far and learned way too much to ever go back, even if I wanted to....which I don't - but I havn't really talked to anyone about my feelings besides my dh (who is absolutely NOT supportive) and my two close friends who have already left the church. What happens when my family discovers what I've been doing...what happens when my dh says "enough" and no longer sits quietly by while I throw our "eternal marriage" away? (surely this is exactly what he feels I am doing by rejecting the gosple) Will I still not want to come back - or will I buckle under the pressure and just want to get "plugged back in" and forget all that I've learned? I'm not even sure I am willing to leave the church entirely- not sure I am willing to take that risk with my marriage or my relationships with my family. I don't know if I could break my mother's heart like that. But the farther I come the harder it is going to be to go back. After knowing all that I know - am I stupid for even entertaining the thought of going back? I am confused and starting to panick a little. This is something that I have probably been taking too lightly - the damage I could do could be huge.

Sorry - I'm rambling. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here.....maybe just reassurance or advice. Has anyone been where I am? Can anyone relate?

Michelle

See if the process a few of us developed over on this thread talks to you:

http://www.postmormon.org/forum_vb/showthread.php?t=288

I found Ed's texts around horizontal and vertical growth particularly helpful.

Daryl

[lsands]

I began leaving the church when I was 39, in tandem with my divorce. So I have not experienced the tension and difficulties that come from questioning while married to a believing spouse. My heart goes out to you; I have watched others go through this, and it can be heart-wrenching, depending on the people involved.

It took me three years to completely disengage myself from Mo'ism (defined by me when I stopped wearing garments.) That was a painful three years, filled with fear and anxiety about abandoning my entire belief system and community. I do not know which was more painful---leaving my marriage of 20 years (including the effect on my 4 children), or the process of leaving the church. This is not a journey for the faint of heart. Leaving has affected many of my relationships, although not as severely as some. This has included standing outside the temple as my two older children went in to be married.

That said, both of these decisions have turned out to be absolutely the right choices for me. I have gained authority over myself and my own life that I never had before. The freedom I have now from fear and self-doubt are worth it all, for me. I had to leave to honor myself and my own thoughts and experiences.

If I may give you some advice: take your time, and go about this process in your own way and time. There is no RIGHT way to do this, only the way that is right for you. I found my relationship with God to be of great comfort and help to me during this time, and this continues to this day. This seems like a paradox, according to Mormon doctrine; nevertheless, this has been my experience. I have ALWAYS felt from God encouragement to honor myself, and support in doing so.

Blessings to you---and keep coming here when you need support and encouragement.

Laraine

[silverfox]

I have been slowly drifting away from the church for about 6 months now. Slowly learning new things and slowly realizing that the church is not true. Problem is - in the beginning it was all just an interesting thing to think about and to ponder - now I realize that I've come way too far and learned way too much to ever go back, even if I wanted to....which I don't - but I havn't really talked to anyone about my feelings besides my dh (who is absolutely NOT supportive) and my two close friends who have already left the church. What happens when my family discovers what I've been doing...what happens when my dh says "enough" and no longer sits quietly by while I throw our "eternal marriage" away? (surely this is exactly what he feels I am doing by rejecting the gosple) Will I still not want to come back - or will I buckle under the pressure and just want to get "plugged back in" and forget all that I've learned? I'm not even sure I am willing to leave the church entirely- not sure I am willing to take that risk with my marriage or my relationships with my family. I don't know if I could break my mother's heart like that. But the farther I come the harder it is going to be to go back. After knowing all that I know - am I stupid for even entertaining the thought of going back? I am confused and starting to panick a little. This is something that I have probably been taking too lightly - the damage I could do could be huge.

Sorry - I'm rambling. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here.....maybe just reassurance or advice. Has anyone been where I am? Can anyone relate?

Michelle

You are not alone. I've seen people in your position go back and make the best of it because the loss of their families, children, spouses were too great. For most of them things are fine and managable. They have learned to go with the flow. They don't believe but they play the role. Many can do that with no problem.

Many of us have been where you are. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I was there and I thought I would go insane at the thought of losing my spouse, breaking up my family. I don't have any family who are members but hubby's family is TBM. I became physically ill dealing with the stress. I was dealing with the betrayal of realizing the church is hogwash, plus the stress it put on my marriage, my friendships, etc. It was a lonely place to be.

After much thought, pondering, consideration I realized I DID know too much to go back and would not be able to. That's just the way I work...doesn't mean it's right or wrong...it was right for ME. I took the risk. It was tough. It nearly destroyed my family but I was able to "turn" it on hubby. What do you love more - me or the church? Did you marry me? Or did you marry the church? It's a long story and all is calm and well and happy now. But it was an emotional draining journey. That's why I appreciate my official letter that I got today saying I am no longer Mormon. There is blood, sweat and tears in that letter. I earned it.

I wish I had some wonderful thought out advice to give you. But each situation is so unique.

I know you will get lots of direction here, though. We've had so many in your position. Sadly, some don't post anymore. It was causing angst with their families.

[bigeddy]

Michelle,

I read your post with some of the same feelings others have expressed; sadness, reminiscence, admiration. I wish we had some way to make it easy.

My experience is that growing will usually bring pain and joy. Each step of growth means leaving someone behind. Those who do not grow beyond something stay mired in it. Often there is great resentment at the growth you embody. I have wondered at times if this is not because those who are most angry at your growth did not feel the same "niggling suspicions" (see the post Daryl referred you to) and they fearfully backed off. I believe this is true for many. They see the growth they were afraid to attain and hate you for having the courage they did not.

Alternatively, there are those who may be just plain afraid and they run from you because you are now a symbol of all they fear.

Either way, it is hard on you. Please know that you have support. Regardless of what you do with this you will have that support from me. If you choose to return full-hearted into the Mormon mainstream--you have my support. If you choose to continue to wonder (and wander) you have that same support. As Laraine said, there is no right way to do this. My whole goal in posting and etc. is to offer the support I wish I could have had when I was going through the same process you are.

Ed

[peter_mary]

Michelle,


Either way, it is hard on you. Please know that you have support. Regardless of what you do with this you will have that support from me. If you choose to return full-hearted into the Mormon mainstream--you have my support. If you choose to continue to wonder (and wander) you have that same support. As Laraine said, there is no right way to do this. My whole goal in posting and etc. is to offer the support I wish I could have had when I was going through the same process you are.

Ed

Know that most of us share Ed's words of support...certainly I do. You are in that wacky place right now of feeling torn apart by two competing, equally important values, your marriage and family, and your own personal growth and development. Both are worthy, and both seem incompatible.

My hope is that they turn out not to be so, but it takes time to sort out HOW that compatibility can work in your unique situation. I echo what Laraine said...please go slowly. Give the process time, so that you can see where the pitfalls are before you find yourself at the bottom of one of them!

It is my hope that you and your husband are able, with time and possibly professional help, to negotiate a new relationship 'contract' in which you both are able to get what you need from this marriage, including whatever the Church offers your husband, and the journey out offers to you.

Our arms are open to you both as you struggle in one of life's many challenges.

Paul

[miss taken]

I have been slowly drifting away from the church for about 6 months now. Slowly learning new things and slowly realizing that the church is not true. Problem is - in the beginning it was all just an interesting thing to think about and to ponder - now I realize that I've come way too far and learned way too much to ever go back, even if I wanted to....which I don't - but I havn't really talked to anyone about my feelings besides my dh (who is absolutely NOT supportive) and my two close friends who have already left the church. What happens when my family discovers what I've been doing...what happens when my dh says "enough" and no longer sits quietly by while I throw our "eternal marriage" away? (surely this is exactly what he feels I am doing by rejecting the gosple) Will I still not want to come back - or will I buckle under the pressure and just want to get "plugged back in" and forget all that I've learned? I'm not even sure I am willing to leave the church entirely- not sure I am willing to take that risk with my marriage or my relationships with my family. I don't know if I could break my mother's heart like that. But the farther I come the harder it is going to be to go back. After knowing all that I know - am I stupid for even entertaining the thought of going back? I am confused and starting to panick a little. This is something that I have probably been taking too lightly - the damage I could do could be huge.

Sorry - I'm rambling. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here.....maybe just reassurance or advice. Has anyone been where I am? Can anyone relate?

Michelle

Okay this may not be kosher but all I want to do is give you a big hug. (((((hug))))))

[noodle]

Mushbelly - I think that we all want to support you in what you decide to do. These things are never black or white, nor are they easy. Perhaps the process will be slow, as it should be - sortof like one step forward and two back. Little by little, you will find your way. I promise. It may be hard, but you will ultimately grow from the experience. I remember reading "Leaving the Fold," by James Ure. I would pull it out periodically when I felt as though I needed "companionship" and support for what I was feeling. Luckily, there are now places to go like postmormon.org to assist you in whatever direction you head.

mamajama