Questions For Single Post Mormons

[silverfox]

I am curious what it is like to be single and be a Post Mo. Especially after a TBM marriage that has resulted in divorce. Anyone willing to enlighten me? What do you look for in a potential date or mate? How has it changed?

My first temple marriage ended in divorce. I know what it's like being a single TBM mom with kids (TOTALLY SUCKED-everyone thinks you are just looking for a daddy, good grief!).

I remarried in the temple. I am now an ex member. Hubby could go either way but he is staying away from church for the moment.

I have no desire to be single again ever but can't help be curious what it would be like as a Post Mo.

[dogzilla]

Having never been married, all I can address is "how has it changed?"

I'd say being post-mormon, the emphasis on NEEDing a partner has diminished considerably. Sure, nobody wants to die alone, and I'd like to find a nice life partner as much as anyone else. But can I feel fulfilled as a single person, without a partner? Do I feel like a valuable, contributing member of my community. A hearty, heck yeah, to both questions.

So my emphasis has shifted, from one wherein there was pressure to be pair-bonded (to borrow a psych term) or else you don't feel like a whole person, to one wherein I merely attempt to be kind to everyone and the need to be pair-bonded is just not there. This took years of soul-searching and redefining, many times, what I believe consitutes value as a person. (What I mean by that is: so many women I know seem to think they are worthless unless they are connected to a man. The church really pounds this idea in our heads. It takes a long time to figure out that a) You are worthy as an individual. b) You can be exalted as a single person. c) You don't have to be married to have value as a person.

Oddly, I look for exactly the same things in a mate as I did as a mormon, only now I'm more mature and better able to articulate the wish list: Someone who treats me with respect and trust. Someone who is in tune with their emotional self and has the ability to communicate on all levels, intellectually, emotionally, and otherwise. Someone who understands the fluid give-and-take that all relationships require, and therefore, would make a good partner for my life, balancing my strengths and weaknesses with his own.

The only thing that is different is that I will not date devoutly religious Christians. I just don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Funny anecdote in that vein: I was dating a guy who was not particularly religious, but was raised southern baptist. These people have some funny ideas, but no funnier than the mormons. Here in the Bible Belt, religion ALWAYS comes up; it is never a taboo subject. So this guy was asking me what I believed. He was appalled to learn that I consider myself more athiest than anything else. Very seriously, he looked deep into my eyes and said, "Doesn't it bother you that you're going to hell?" :rolleyes:

And I looked back, with equal seriousness, and said, "And now that you've attempted to Save me, am I supposed to put out? Because even Baptists don't believe in fornication before marriage."

And the answer was, yes, I was supposed to put out and his sexual desires had NOTHING to do with my salvation, or lack thereof, as a heathen. :D Evidently, we were supposed to rut like bunnies and I guess I was supposed to reconcile the hypocrisy of that on my own....

I still think that's funny. But that's why I don't date Christians anymore.

[silverfox]

Having never been married, all I can address is "how has it changed?"

I'd say being post-mormon, the emphasis on NEEDing a partner has diminished considerably. Sure, nobody wants to die alone, and I'd like to find a nice life partner as much as anyone else. But can I feel fulfilled as a single person, without a partner? Do I feel like a valuable, contributing member of my community. A hearty, heck yeah, to both questions.

So my emphasis has shifted, from one wherein there was pressure to be pair-bonded (to borrow a psych term) or else you don't feel like a whole person, to one wherein I merely attempt to be kind to everyone and the need to be pair-bonded is just not there. This took years of soul-searching and redefining, many times, what I believe consitutes value as a person. (What I mean by that is: so many women I know seem to think they are worthless unless they are connected to a man. The church really pounds this idea in our heads. It takes a long time to figure out that a) You are worthy as an individual. b) You can be exalted as a single person. c) You don't have to be married to have value as a person.

Oddly, I look for exactly the same things in a mate as I did as a mormon, only now I'm more mature and better able to articulate the wish list: Someone who treats me with respect and trust. Someone who is in tune with their emotional self and has the ability to communicate on all levels, intellectually, emotionally, and otherwise. Someone who understands the fluid give-and-take that all relationships require, and therefore, would make a good partner for my life, balancing my strengths and weaknesses with his own.

The only thing that is different is that I will not date devoutly religious Christians. I just don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Funny anecdote in that vein: I was dating a guy who was not particularly religious, but was raised southern baptist. These people have some funny ideas, but no funnier than the mormons. Here in the Bible Belt, religion ALWAYS comes up; it is never a taboo subject. So this guy was asking me what I believed. He was appalled to learn that I consider myself more athiest than anything else. Very seriously, he looked deep into my eyes and said, "Doesn't it bother you that you're going to hell?" :rolleyes:

And I looked back, with equal seriousness, and said, "And now that you've attempted to Save me, am I supposed to put out? Because even Baptists don't believe in fornication before marriage."

And the answer was, yes, I was supposed to put out and his sexual desires had NOTHING to do with my salvation, or lack thereof, as a heathen. :D Evidently, we were supposed to rut like bunnies and I guess I was supposed to reconcile the hypocrisy of that on my own....

I still think that's funny. But that's why I don't date Christians anymore.

Heeeeee how funny the last part of your post is..... :D

I often wonder what kind of choices I would make as a single Post Mo. I feel I would probably choose to remain single. I would want to date and socialize but I agree with you that the 'NEED' to have a spouse has probably diminished. Not that I don't love and need my hubby. I just think going into another relationship as a Post Mo would be so completely different than what I have experienced in the past. So much has changed. Life looks very different to me now. I also feel many members marry for worthiness and not love because the emphasis in teachings is on worthiness and not love.

Now I am recalling a talk regarding this very thing.....that love will come later. It was a talk given to young single men. I hope I have that bookmark, too. I found it quite appalling that young men were being taught to think love would come later after the fact. argh!

[dogzilla]

Now I am recalling a talk regarding this very thing.....that love will come later. It was a talk given to young single men. I hope I have that bookmark, too. I found it quite appalling that young men were being taught to think love would come later after the fact. argh!

Eyew. How medieval. That's a throwback straight to the days when women were married off as property transactions, way before the Enlightenment... I believe that is truly a Dark Ages concept. My understanding is that the concept of romantic love didn't really occur commonly until something like the 1400s.

[peter_mary]

Another one you hear quite frequently is that as long as you are both worthy of the covenants you made in the temple, the love will be there. So the solution to any domestic problem is simply go to the temple more often and actually stay awake while you're there.

I guess the thinking is, that way you are sitting on oposite sides of the room for a couple hours, and so you can't reach each other to punch, kick or scratch. And if you do end up in the prayer circle together and start fighting, there's lots of temple workers to break it up. So maybe they're right...as long as you can spend all your waking hours at the temple or hometeaching... :Crazy:

Yarg...

Peter_mary

[Jeff_Ricks]

I am curious what it is like to be single and be a Post Mo. Especially after a TBM marriage that has resulted in divorce. Anyone willing to enlighten me? What do you look for in a potential date or mate? How has it changed?

My first temple marriage ended in divorce. I know what it's like being a single TBM mom with kids (TOTALLY SUCKED-everyone thinks you are just looking for a daddy, good grief!).

I remarried in the temple. I am now an ex member. Hubby could go either way but he is staying away from church for the moment.

I have no desire to be single again ever but can't help be curious what it would be like as a Post Mo.


My po-Mo singles story began about 5 years ago when I divorced and the kids came with me. It was tough being dad and mom and working full time and trying to find time to date again. Boy the dating scene is different today! Then to heap on top of that going from a Mormon dating environment to a non-Mormon dating environment it was like starting from scratch learning through trial and error what this dating thing is all about. I did a lot of trial an error for three years then decided to take a break for a year. No more trying, just take it as it comes. During the trial and error phase I learned that I don’t relate well to never-mo’s, and I wasn’t the least bit interested in hooking up with a Mormon again, so that severely limited my options living in Logan, Utah.

Once during the trial and error period I met a woman at a non-LDS singles get together and noticed she was drinking an alcoholic drink so I figured she wasn’t a Mormon. She was attractive to me (I mean personality attractive too) so I asked her out. On our third date she said someday she plans to get married in the temple. Funny how about that time I lost all interest in asking her out again.

Bringing it up to date, my one year of taking a break has now become two years and I’m getting to like being single. There’s no more urgency to get hooked up again. My dating life has at present settled into going out with a wonderful woman from time to time who is a former Mormon and was married to a direct descendant of Brother Brigham. She’s a doctor and an outspoken woman’s advocate. Very intelligent and fun to talk with. So in summary, five years (and three relationships) after my divorce singles life has become, like Goldielocks, not too hot, not too cold but juuuuust right. :cool:

Jeff

[free thinker]

Silverfox is up to her old tricks! Asking great questions!! :cool:

I am single and never married. The pressure to marry as a man in the church is intense. You know, the whole menace to society thing etc. I hung out in the mo single scene for many years. It was kinda funny to watch people cycle through every few years!!! :D

Now that I am post-mo, and just ended my first post-mo relationship, I can say that I have learned a lot!! Whewww!!! As he wipes sweat off his brow!! :o

But seriously folks!! I enjoy single life. I also think women are the most incredible, and intrigueing beings on the planet!! Really!!

By the way! I enjoy all your posts!

Free Thinker

[dogzilla]

But seriously folks!! I enjoy single life. I also think women are the most incredible, and intrigueing beings on the planet!! Really!!
Free Thinker

C'mon, I bet you say that to all the girls.

You're just trying to get into our pants, admit it. :p

[silverfox]

Bringing it up to date, my one year of taking a break has now become two years and I’m getting to like being single. There’s no more urgency to get hooked up again.

Jeff

So, Jeff, am I correct to say that those old feelings of urgency to hook up with a mate linger Post Mormon?

And if yes, I can see, though, how beneficial that is because like you experienced, you learn through trial and error and can then sit back, look at the whole picture and come into a comfort zone. Very valuable. Thanks for sharing.

[free thinker]

C'mon, I bet you say that to all the girls.

You're just trying to get into our pants, admit it.


Dogzilla

How very cynical of you!! ;) Flattery will get me nowhere!!

Hmmm well, ok, maybe I am!! But I still meant what I said!! :cool:

Free Thinker/ Womanizer

[nursekristen]

It's nice to no longer have that feeling of urgency to be married. It's nice to finally get to know yourself for who you REALLY are and not who the church molded you to be and think, "maybe marriage isn't for me anyways! Maybe I DON'T want kids! Maybe that was all what the church made me believe I wanted"! I think it's sad that I am 27 years old and just now finally getting to know who I really am and what I really believe in and value. I do feel like I am years behind most of my peers when it comes to knowing what I want out of life and knowing who I really am. *sigh*

[silverfox]

It's nice to no longer have that feeling of urgency to be married. It's nice to finally get to know yourself for who you REALLY are and not who the church molded you to be and think, "maybe marriage isn't for me anyways! Maybe I DON'T want kids! Maybe that was all what the church made me believe I wanted"! I think it's sad that I am 27 years old and just now finally getting to know who I really am and what I really believe in and value. I do feel like I am years behind most of my peers when it comes to knowing what I want out of life and knowing who I really am. *sigh*

Welcome, Nurse - you may think it's sad you are 27 and just finally getting to know who you are but many of us have been much older. I am so glad you are figuring it out much earlier than I did. Best wishes!

[free thinker]

It's nice to no longer have that feeling of urgency to be married. It's nice to finally get to know yourself for who you REALLY are and not who the church molded you to be and think, "maybe marriage isn't for me anyways! Maybe I DON'T want kids! Maybe that was all what the church made me believe I wanted"! I think it's sad that I am 27 years old and just now finally getting to know who I really am and what I really believe in and value. I do feel like I am years behind most of my peers when it comes to knowing what I want out of life and knowing who I really am. *sigh*

I know exactly how you feel!!!! I am just now figuring those same questions out for myself. I am 46. I now know that I do not want children. The only reason I would have had them would have been to fit the mold of mormonism. These realizations have absolutely changed my life for the better!! Beyond words to describe how much better I feel now, as I learn who I really am!!

How ridiculous to assume that there is one pattern,one way to live out ones life, based on a set of doctrines! It is absolutely, patently, absurd!!!!

Free Thinker

[cactus_jack]

Hmmm. I figured that bigamy is having one wife too many and monogamy is the same.

Before I got married, I went to a singles ward a few times and I found it was a group of the rudest and most intrusive snobs imaginable. It was more like a meat market. The kids there don't care how spiritual you are, they don't care if you're a good man or woman, all the care about is how much money you make and if you went on a mission.

Now that I'm single again, dating isn't easy. Women have this idea that if you ask them out for lunch, it's sexual. If you ask them out for dinner, it's sexual. If you in any way compliment them, it's sexual. If you so much as look at them, it's sexual. Yet they think that men are always looking for sex?

Sure would be nice to find some dateable women, but I ain't into the sex gig anymore. And it seems they are.

My last GF was LDS. A TBM on top of that. I can deal with her being mormon. But her LDS friends and family couldn't deal with me being an exmo. So you pretty much have an idea where our relationship went.

Besides, as I heard once somewhere, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have loved and gone on Jerry Springer and find out your wife used to be a guy." :eek: :duh

[Jeff_Ricks]

Hmmm. I figured that bigamy is having one wife too many and monogamy is the same.

Before I got married, I went to a singles ward a few times and I found it was a group of the rudest and most intrusive snobs imaginable. It was more like a meat market. The kids there don't care how spiritual you are, they don't care if you're a good man or woman, all the care about is how much money you make and if you went on a mission.

Five years ago I found it necessary to divorce my wife in order to rescue my kids from an abusive mom -- the kids now live with me. My attorney is LDS but at one of the last meetings I had with him just before the divorce was final he advised me to stay away from LDS singles. He said they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling. Several moinths later I went to one LDS singles dance when some non-LDS friends talked me into it and that cured me. I decided that they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling.

Jeff

[silverfox]

Five years ago I found it necessary to divorce my wife in order to rescue my kids from an abusive mom -- the kids now live with me. My attorney is LDS but at one of the last meetings I had with him just before the divorce was final he advised me to stay away from LDS singles. He said they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling. Several moinths later I went to one LDS singles dance when some non-LDS friends talked me into it and that cured me. I decided that they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling.

Jeff

I've got ya beat! I survived TWO single LDS dances after my divorce. Ahhhhhhhh!

[kreleia]

Five years ago I found it necessary to divorce my wife in order to rescue my kids from an abusive mom -- the kids now live with me. My attorney is LDS but at one of the last meetings I had with him just before the divorce was final he advised me to stay away from LDS singles. He said they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling. Several moinths later I went to one LDS singles dance when some non-LDS friends talked me into it and that cured me. I decided that they're a bunch of fruit cakes :Crazy: who are generally in need of counseling.

Jeff

Y'know, it was interesting. About 4 months AFTER I got married, and we had invited the bishop of the singles ward that I (occassionally) went to, some random girls showed up at my parents house saying they were my visiting teachers - FROM THE SINGLES WARD! My sister answered the door, looked at them funny and said "Um... she's married."

They got all confused and flustered, and finally one of them asked, "Oh, when was this? Just recently?"

And my sister answered, "In June, actually."

Funny. Prior to that, I'd only had visiting teachers from the ward show up ONCE. :D And my records were in that ward for a little over two years.

Yes. The LDS singles scene is... well... pathetic.

[cactus jack]

Where do exmos go for singles functions?

I thought about going to an LDS function, but I'm sure they wouldn't want me there!

[free thinker]

Several moinths later I went to one LDS singles dance when some non-LDS friends talked me into it and that cured me. I decided that they're a bunch of fruit cakes who are generally in need of counseling


They have to be some of the most wacky people in the world!!


Free Thinker

[dogzilla]

Where do exmos go for singles functions?

I thought about going to an LDS function, but I'm sure they wouldn't want me there!

Many of us develop interests outside of religion and then participate in activities not related to any given church. Join a club, take a class... try it!

Personally, I'm trying to find kayak lessons in my area. I also go on nature walks for the purpose of finding and identifying flora and fauna in its natural habitat. I've taken Spanish lessons, joined professional organizations, attended special events in the arts community (gallery openings, festivals, exhibits, performances, etc.) and even thrown parties where I asked my friends to bring someone I didn't know -- so we could all have a chance to meet someone new.

There are dozens of ways to meet people without a) some church driving what you can or can't do with and with whom, and b) going to a bar and getting drunk. While you can probably meet people in a bar, my experience tells me that most people do not go to bars to meet their soulmates.

[miss taken]

Can I post on this, even though I am married now???

I was a single LDS mormon for most of my time in the church.

My hubbie and I just read through a ton of my journals and had such a good laugh.

In my mid 20's I am pretty balanced, pretty happy, as late 20's come along my entries become more ...um...wierd!! I was losing it, and along with 'losing my sense of balance' I was also losing the ability to make wise choices, and got serious about a few guys that were TOTALLY unsuitable, just because I thought that was it. (LDS girls in the UK outnumbered guys by about 10 to 1, I think statistically) Basically I was becoming lonely and desperate and frightened of being left on the shelf in a totally marriage dominated religion.

When I came out I immediately got my sense of balance back. I no longer saw it as a failure to be single. Life had just begun. I had 6 fantastically enriching years of singledom before finally settling down with a soul mate and brilliant friend.

For me being a single post mormon was a lot better than being a single mormon.. No comparison.

(I took my husband, when we were engaged, to a singles dance, and he felt very uncomfortable. He said he felt like it was a marriage market!!!)
Mary

[miss taken]

It's nice to no longer have that feeling of urgency to be married. It's nice to finally get to know yourself for who you REALLY are and not who the church molded you to be and think, "maybe marriage isn't for me anyways! Maybe I DON'T want kids! Maybe that was all what the church made me believe I wanted"! I think it's sad that I am 27 years old and just now finally getting to know who I really am and what I really believe in and value. I do feel like I am years behind most of my peers when it comes to knowing what I want out of life and knowing who I really am. *sigh*

Hi Kristen. AAAAARgh deja vous........ THis was me. I could have written this word for word. Hope you find peace, happiness and contentment. I know that mine came almost immediately. A complete change of focus and perspective. For me, it was wonderful. I was about 30 when I finally made the break. I should have made it earlier. (No regrets though)

Mary