ANYONE GRIEVING FOR THE "LOST" YEARS?

[silverfox]

The most difficult result of becoming Post Mo for me has been grieving for the "lost" years.

So many of my decisions during my TBM years were based on what I was SUPPOSED to or EXPECTED to do rather than what was in my heart. This includes the spouses I chose, the number of children I had, and how I raised those children. Major decisions. (don't get me wrong...I LOVE my hubby and kids and kids have all turned out great)

And for some of the not so major decisions - people whom I welcomed into my life (where the hell are they all now???) and whom I/ve let slide out of it. Major opportunities lost.

A lot of regrets and resentment have followed me out of Mormonism.

I may not feel so bad had I only devoted 5 years, maybe 10 but when you are my age and look back at the nearly 30 years of regret and resentment, well, it just pisses me off!

Please don't imagine that my current life is miserable and unhappy and filled with pain. On contrary, life is GREAT - better than ever! I just feel resentment toward "losing" those years. I want them back! And it's impossible.

It's not all in vain....I grasp every opportunity I can to make up for it. I have a great appeciation for everything around me.

I know the best way to defeat the resentment and regret is to make the best of the years I have left.

[peter_mary]

There are times when I regret all the weekends I wasted that I could have been out camping with my kids, but instead I spent engaged in Church activity. When I was growing up, I spent a lot of weekends out in the sticks doing SOMETHING, but in those days, my weekends consisted of Friday night, all day Saturday, and ALL DAY SUNDAY. Once I became a "Mormon Father", Friday night was date night, Saturday was spent cleaning the house, washing the car, going to the store, and Sunday was spent doing Church stuff, and NOT doing stuff that was deemed "inappropriate." I regret all that.

But on the other hand, I think I "get it" now. I get that I'm happier and more fulfilled for the simple reason that I have something to compare it to. That's part of the problem with being in the Church...you don't have the "out of the Church" experience to compare to! So I think in a very real sense it's the fact that I did all of that then that I can really enjoy and appreciate all I have now. I'm not sure I ever would have gotten here had I never "wasted" so much before.

Does that make sense, or am I babbling? :Crazy:

Peter_Mary

[stuckasamo]

I look back on my Mormon childhood and realize all the unnecessary guilt I felt for doing normal things that were supposedly "bad". But what's even worse is that I am still not out yet - I'm a closet apostate going to Mormon school, and that's much more difficult than thinking about the years I missed out on - because I'm still watching life pass me by as I waste my time pretending to be something I'm not. Three years and counting.....

[silverfox]

I look back on my Mormon childhood and realize all the unnecessary guilt I felt for doing normal things that were supposedly "bad". But what's even worse is that I am still not out yet - I'm a closet apostate going to Mormon school, and that's much more difficult than thinking about the years I missed out on - because I'm still watching life pass me by as I waste my time pretending to be something I'm not. Three years and counting.....

How do you do it? Once I knew I just couldn't pretend. It may have made things easier for my hubby and TBM daughter if I could have but I just couldn't.

Are you in a position where you HAVE to attend church, etc? I really feel for those who have to "pretend" to hold families together.

I believe I would slowly go nuts.

[Born Free]

Grief over the many losses is, I suspect, an element of the anger that persists for me.

I made many important decisions under very distorting influences. I wasted days in Church meetings rehashing the same drivel 50 times over, and learnt little of value, and lots othat was downright unhelpful. I have said since that I believe studying philosophy and watching and rewatching various Monthy Python films woud have been much better use of the time.

LoB offers a far more meaningful model of "God, the Universe and the Meaning of Life".

The music is much peppier! :p

The treatment of sex, much healthier.

Deicsions about when to marry, how many children and many more, were influenced by what I now see as very unhealthy thinking. Many years of marriage problems were prolonged by Moism's active promotion of projection and poor boundaries.

Yes, Silverfox "They were the (largely) wasted years"

Daryl

PS: Which MP film had the song about the Protestants who can put caps on their 'thingy', not like those Catholics (who breed like rabbits)?

I'd love to do a Mo parody of that!

[free thinker]

Silverfox

I have some regret. Like you, at times, I can become angry. But, I feel the same as Peter Mary, in that I do not think I would appreciate what I have now as much, without the mo experience!! The contrast is stark!!

I hope to live out my life expectancy, so as to live fully, without so much guilt.

Free Thinker

[david]

I consider myself very, very lucky that I got out in my early twenties. (Alas, now over 20 years ago :) ).

But: I regret to say that I served a mission, and the utter loss of these two precious years, in the prime of my life, left me bitter and angry for many, many years. It was without a doubt the #1 mental issue for me for a long time.

Yet time heals most wounds, and today I do not feel anger. I even manage a smile over some things. As I've stated elsewhere, I came to realize that my mission experience led directly to my leaving, and thus a 2-year sacrifice saved me many years of struggle and unhappiness. So, I'm largely cool with it.

[free thinker]

As I've stated elsewhere, I came to realize that my mission experience led directly to my leaving, and thus a 2-year sacrifice saved me many years of struggle and unhappiness. So, I'm largely cool with it.


My gut told me all those years back in the mission field, that something was wrong with mormonism!! It took me twenty five more years to leave. :duh You are lucky!!

Free Thinker

[ifitmakesuhappy]

The most difficult result of becoming Post Mo for me has been grieving for the "lost" years.

So many of my decisions during my TBM years were based on what I was SUPPOSED to or EXPECTED to do rather than what was in my heart. This includes the spouses I chose, the number of children I had, and how I raised those children. Major decisions. (don't get me wrong...I LOVE my hubby and kids and kids have all turned out great)

And for some of the not so major decisions - people whom I welcomed into my life (where the hell are they all now???) and whom I/ve let slide out of it. Major opportunities lost.

A lot of regrets and resentment have followed me out of Mormonism.

I may not feel so bad had I only devoted 5 years, maybe 10 but when you are my age and look back at the nearly 30 years of regret and resentment, well, it just pisses me off!

Please don't imagine that my current life is miserable and unhappy and filled with pain. On contrary, life is GREAT - better than ever! I just feel resentment toward "losing" those years. I want them back! And it's impossible.

It's not all in vain....I grasp every opportunity I can to make up for it. I have a great appeciation for everything around me.

I know the best way to defeat the resentment and regret is to make the best of the years I have left.

I'm 28, TBM my whole life and in the process of leaving atm. I'm the kind of person who doesnt usually have regrets about anything...well ive never done anythin really BAD so i always thought theres no point having regrets when every situation has a lesson to teach you. But the past couple of weeks ive been thinking a lot about my 'wasted years' and how different my life would have been had i not been raised Mo. Don't get me wrong, I was always happy and grateful for my upbringing, but there's so much i feel like i missed out on...
Growing up, whenever there was some club goin on at the community centre or anywhere they were generally on a Sunday, so of course i didn't get to go to them, so i missed out on things like soccer classes, self defense, Red Cross, trips to the fairground or friends birthday parties. No big deal, but a part of life i could have been experiencing and enjoying, but instead i was sitting in primary or young womens classes.
As a teenager and young adult i was very much Molly Mormon and never compromised my standards in any way...these are the years i really look back on with regret. I was never popular outside of my group of mormon friends because i wouldnt do the things the other kids were doin...i dont mean bad stuff, i mean normal stuff. The years i missed out on when i really should have been partying and dating. Saturday night for me was usually sitting at home preparing the next days primary lesson, or sharing time. I feel my youth was wasted. I might have realised my sexuality earlier had i not been so naive, but i should never regret my marriage as it was that that gave me my beautiful little girl. Still...i feel it was wasted years that i couldnt afford to lose...I feel frustrated by this but somehow cant feel any anger towards the church. I think its because i still have so many TBM friends and i would feel like my anger was with them, which of course it isnt. Anyway ive yakked on for too long someone take this keyboard from me...