new here also

[moonboy]

I just wanted to introduce myself to this forum. Although, I have not had more than minimal contact with the mormon church for over 38 years, I was realized that there are undertones in my attitudes and view of the world that are still influenced by my years of exposure to mormonism.

My parents originated from utah and idaho and we have genealogy that goes back to almost the beginnings of this religion. One of my great great ... grandfathers was Brigham Young, another was Captain Elsworth of the handcart company.

I left the church when I was about 19. This was during the days of the hippies and I became one of them. It was quite a change to go from a non smoking, etc environment to a pot smoking, drinking one. I was pretty wild. This caused a large rift between me and my family for many years which to this day is not healed. It was hard for everyone.

While, at some point I did calm down and live a more conventional lifestyle, meaning an official marriage rather than living with girl friends and a normal job, I have never been accepted by my family and I have to say this hurts. It is hard for my wife also. While my mother is okay with her and even says that she likes here there is an undertone of how tragic it is that we don't fit with the rest of them (which is a very large family!).

As I mentioned above, after all of these years I am still dealing with attitudes and feelings that stem from the faith of my childhood. An example of this is a feeling of undeserved guilt, or the feeling that I am not good enough. I have been reading posts from here and other forums for the past few weeks and have read comments from others about these very topics.

One thing that I never did was to officially resign so I have just mailed my letter to member records. I think that it might help to sever one unnecessary tie to the church. Another is to research what others have to say about the church such as you here.

This post is longer than I intended. I am not ususally so long winded. Anyway thank you for being here.

Moonboy

[silverfox]

I just wanted to introduce myself to this forum. Although, I have not had more than minimal contact with the mormon church for over 38 years, I was realized that there are undertones in my attitudes and view of the world that are still influenced by my years of exposure to mormonism.

My parents originated from utah and idaho and we have genealogy that goes back to almost the beginnings of this religion. One of my great great ... grandfathers was Brigham Young, another was Captain Elsworth of the handcart company.

I left the church when I was about 19. This was during the days of the hippies and I became one of them. It was quite a change to go from a non smoking, etc environment to a pot smoking, drinking one. I was pretty wild. This caused a large rift between me and my family for many years which to this day is not healed. It was hard for everyone.

While, at some point I did calm down and live a more conventional lifestyle, meaning an official marriage rather than living with girl friends and a normal job, I have never been accepted by my family and I have to say this hurts. It is hard for my wife also. While my mother is okay with her and even says that she likes here there is an undertone of how tragic it is that we don't fit with the rest of them (which is a very large family!).

As I mentioned above, after all of these years I am still dealing with attitudes and feelings that stem from the faith of my childhood. An example of this is a feeling of undeserved guilt, or the feeling that I am not good enough. I have been reading posts from here and other forums for the past few weeks and have read comments from others about these very topics.

One thing that I never did was to officially resign so I have just mailed my letter to member records. I think that it might help to sever one unnecessary tie to the church. Another is to research what others have to say about the church such as you here.

This post is longer than I intended. I am not ususally so long winded. Anyway thank you for being here.

Moonboy

Welcome, Moonchild. I was thinking last night about how family ties seem so superficial within the Mormon culture. I did not grow up in a Mormon family but hubby did. It's amazing how little they know about each other in his family. There is no real closeness. Family events are filled with superficial talk. It's as though speaking with neighbors or acquaintances. No real closeness. It seems this is very common. If you are an apostate you can't really be "yourself". If you are TBM you can't really be "yourself" either. Everyone seems to be comparing notes, making sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to.

I have noticed that my TBM FIL and BIL can sit for hours in a corner talking about LDS books they've read, comparing notes, etc, etc. But if it's not church related, there is no depth to any conversation.

I have also found it interesting how when we have challenges in our life and let them know about it, they are very indifferent to any emotional suffering. We talked in another thread about how members seem to accept that we are supposed to suffer.

It's so WEIRD.

I hope resigning will help you heal. It has helped me. I can't explain how but I believe it has left me feeling more empowered. Sounds silly but it's true.

Hope you feel at home here.

[moonboy]

Yah, when ever I have a phone conversation with my mother she never fails to bring up something about the church. The other day it was the easter pagent in AZ and how fantastic it was. She must know by now that I don't care about that.

For christmas presents we get genealogy videos, or something from the mormom t choir - gag gag. My wife has been very gracious about this. However she has threaten to send some material about our beliefs in retaliation.

She thinks there should be a forum for spouses of exmos who have to deal with large mormon families!

Moonboy

[silverfox]

Yah, when ever I have a phone conversation with my mother she never fails to bring up something about the church. The other day it was the easter pagent in AZ and how fantastic it was. She must know by now that I don't care about that.

For christmas presents we get genealogy videos, or something from the mormom t choir - gag gag. My wife has been very gracious about this. However she has threaten to send some material about our beliefs in retaliation.

She thinks there should be a forum for spouses of exmos who have to deal with large mormon families!

Moonboy

Ewwwwwww - the Mo presents. I had forgotten about those. :Puking

Your wife is right....there should be a forum for spouses in her position.

What is very sad to me is that these parents are missing out on WHO their children really are. I have adult kids and I can't imagine having a superficial church related relationship with them. Hell, I can get that from my TBM neighbors. Each child is so individual and unique with their own personalities and ideas. I find it fascinating. But with TBM families it appears they often want them all to fit the same mold.

They have NO IDEA what they are missing out on. Tragic. Absolutely tragic.

I think a lot of it goes back to Mo parents measuring their success on how TBM their children turn out. Which is why they take a child's apostacy do damned personal. Makes me puke :Puking thinking I used to be that way. (yes, I have begged my children for forgiveness...luckily I raised them to be tolerant)

[formermormon]

Wow! Silverfox - thanks. I swear, I had never put this together. I have always felt strangely unattached to my extended family. We had gatherings for holidays and family reunions and weddings, etc., but I never felt like those people really knew me or me them - never felt that emotional connection that you are supposed to with relatives. I had always blamed it on the family culture - stuff passed down from earlier generations, personalities, etc. But DAMN - I had never really tied it into being about the church itself. But you are right - the church creates a strong judgement mentality - policing the "correct" behavior of others. You can't be fallible or genuine lest you be harshly judged - and that is pretty much diametrically opposed to intimacy.

Thanks - that's a breakthrough.

[nate]

Yah, when ever I have a phone conversation with my mother she never fails to bring up something about the church. The other day it was the easter pagent in AZ and how fantastic it was. She must know by now that I don't care about that.

For christmas presents we get genealogy videos, or something from the mormom t choir - gag gag. My wife has been very gracious about this. However she has threaten to send some material about our beliefs in retaliation.

She thinks there should be a forum for spouses of exmos who have to deal with large mormon families!

Moonboy

Yeah...I'm right in the same boat! And yes....I know that my wife would probably love something like that. I really hate to see how frustrated she gets with my family. Having once been TBM, I can understand where my family is coming from, and take it with a grain of salt. However, my wife cannot. She gets completely dumbfounded, as she simply cannot understand why they act in the way that they do. I know it's hard for her, and would be great if she could speak with other wives that know how SHE feels in that situation.

[silverfox]

Can we start a thread here for spouses? Would they be interested? It would be a learning experience for us to see how they view the whole situation as well.

I can't imagine being a non member and being married to a Mo and having to deal with this $hit second hand.

I try to imagine what hubby feels regarding my resignation, etc. He is inactive but could easily fall back into the church crap. I often wonder what he is really thinking.

I think it would be great if your spouses joined and started a thread sharing THEIR experiences with us. I could stick it at the top so it's always in view for newcomers.

[free thinker]

Can we start a thread here for spouses? Would they be interested? It would be a learning experience for us to see how they view the whole situation as well.

I can't imagine being a non member and being married to a Mo and having to deal with this $hit second hand.

I try to imagine what hubby feels regarding my resignation, etc. He is inactive but could easily fall back into the church crap. I often wonder what he is really thinking.

I think it would be great if your spouses joined and started a thread sharing THEIR experiences with us. I could stick it at the top so it's always in view for newcomers.

Silver Fox I hope you do this. I think it would be very interesting!

I recently broke up with my first post-mo girlfriend, and I am sure some of the fallout from leaving mormonism hastened our dissafection!!

Free Thinker